Truck it, don't track it

[L] Kittle Man Tate
[W] I'm Thinkin' RBs

Now. I don't 100% understand what Kittle Man Tate exactly means, and I don't know if truly want to.

I'm a God fearing man who likes to keep life's pleasures simple:

My morning espresso pulled at 9 bars of pressure for 27 seconds, using single-origin washed Yirgacheffe beans ground to 250 microns, with exactly 15 grams of microfoam oat milk poured at 140°F.

My filet mignon cooked rare, perfectly seasoned with salt and pepper, seared in a cast-iron pan and then in an oven for 4 minutes at 450 degrees.

And of course, my fantasy football team names simple yet crass like, "Oh Shough, I'm gonna Corum"

..anyway, what the fuck was I talking about?

While Kittle Man Tate was carried pretty fucking far by his kicker Spencer "Hank" Shrader, unfortunately he caught a number of Breaking bad breaks with Ashton "I dream of" Jeanty shitting himself, and Nicu Collins falling short of delivering.

I'm curious if I'm Thinkin' RBs is going to make a change at Quarterback for week 6 after the absolute fucking SLANGIN' that took place from MAH BOY, DRIZZY DRAKE MAYE "BE BACK". Holy shit, it always hurts to leave 39.46 points on the bench even in a win because that's some GOOD tie-breaker shit right there.

But who cares, my fellow Bed-stuy guy has himself a Jolly Jahmyr Gibbs on his side. In a league where every single fucking point is a slug-fest to earn, Gibbs generates points at a rate that I don't know I've ever fucking seen in a long fucking time. What a beast.

[L] You Got a Purdy Mouth
[W] Mother Knows Best

What the fuck?

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?

I SAID, THIS IS A LEAGUE WHERE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING POINT IS A SLUG-FEST TO EARN.

What the shit is god damn barn burner that I'm looking at??? 130 to 163?? If someone told me I was going to score 130 points this week, I'd have locked into a win and not even fucking worried about it. How the fuck does someone who scores that much get a loss???

Mother Knows Best simply ran what appears to be, the perfect lineup. Yeah sure, Juwan "a man" Johnson was the weakest link by far, but who cares when you're just drowning in points from every single fuckin position, even the D/ST and your kicker Will "4th" Reichard.

A loss is painful. But a loss after scoring 130 fucking points is just such a kick in the dick that I truly feel for You Got A Purdy Mouth. Sure it helps his tie-breaker down the line if one pops up, but when you only have a single win, who give a shit about tie-breakers. THE MAN NEEDS WINS.

[W] The Super Wicked Problems
[L] Roll Tide

What a clean fuckin boxscore. Ain't no decimals up in this bitch. The Super Wicked Problems may have some absolute corpses on his bench, and sadly will be adding The Hock, but at least the big man got the dub for the week. And who does he have to thank?

NOT THE FUCKING DOOBER. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ANOTHER WEAPON FOR DRAKE AND YET THAT GIANT HELMETTED DIPSHIT DOES NOTHING BUT DROP BIG PASSES.

Oh look at that, Parker Washington is pretty good.

Not too much to be happy about with the loss for Roll Tide. I guess at least there aren't any players on the bench that could have pushed them over-the-top and gotten them a win? What you see is the best possible roster that was put out there. Some would say that fuckin sucks or that's super depressing, but that's just baseball Suzyn.

[W] Australian Heath Ledgers
[L] Any Day Now

Hot diggity damn this was a close one! Less than 3 fucking points separated this one, unlike the previous matchup that had a WHOLE 3 points of scoring differential. So of course, this matchup was sphincter-tighteningly close.

Now, I'm never going to say a team didn't deserve to win because of all things in life, Fantasy Football doesn't really give a shit about s'pose-tos (however that shit's spelled). If your players score more points in real life, you die in fantasy win your matchup. That's it. There's no malarkey to worry about when it comes to officials showing favoritism or any sort of 'tism, really.

But to see TreVeyon on the winning side of a matchup is completely fucking ridiculous. Good on Australian Heath Ledgers for pulling it off despite leaving a good fucking healthy chunk of points on the bench, but jesus christ Henderson is fucking dogshit this season.

What makes matters even worse is that he outscored the other two fucking running backs that started, COMBINED. Christ almighty.

Sorry Any Day Now, I doubt this helps you from feeling lower than a ditch-digger's ass, but holy shit like my balls in a bear trap - I can not simply let that go (..or something..).

PS. Speaking of balls, CeeDeez Nuts didn't even score a point?? What the fuck?

[W] extra chromaHomes
[L] The Princess McBride

OH HELL YEAH. I'M CLAWING MY ASS BACK TO .500 WITH MY SECOND WIN OF THE SEASON WHILE MY FUCKING BENCH HAS LITERALLY ALL ZEROES (EXCEPT THE RAVENS BUT THEY DESERVE ZERO RESPECT SO IT COUNTS).

It must be the god damn end of times because even Jacory Croskey-Merritt scored over 10 fucking points. Who cares, I'm going to fucking grit my teeth and enjoy this shit because next week half my roster goes on Bye and I'm most likely F'd in the A.

The Princess McBride, tough break on doubling your losses in week 5, but keep your chin up you jerkass. Because you better watch out I'm coming for your ass.

Don't get complacent and do anything stupid because I'm ready to take your place in that vaunted 6th place spot. I swear if you get desperate and play someone like Dobbins, I'm going to not even know because I barely look at my own roster during the week - but I'll be very disappointed because as it is well documented: I fucking hate anyone and everything that is the Broncos.

In conclusion: Stay outta my booze!

Fin

Week 5 is done-zo! And with that, we are going to be hitting the 1/3rd-mark of the NFL regular season. Man, the season grows up so fast, I remember when it was just a twinkle in our collectives eyes and hope was springing eternal while we had our draft. Now we have such a plethora of disappointments, surprises, and not-shocking-at-alls filling our collective rosters.

As we move forward and grow out of the awkward stage of the season, I'm sure we'll see who has what it takes to stand above the rest and be crowned King of Shit Heap - it's always incredible to watch the symbolic breaching of the ocean of piss we all swim in to see who gets to breathe air and evolve into a playoff team.

And always remember, there's still plenty of time to both make a run for the tournament (as Bill Parcells would famously dub the postseason) as well as fall completely on your fucking face and shit yourself to death out of it.

Anyway, hope y'all enjoyed this - I'm taking next week off. Going to Vermont for a few days to enjoy the waning days of leaf season, make a scene at Trillium, and say "oh wow, what a beautiful view" like, so many fucking times - almost as many times as I ask myself, "why the fuck are we doing this with a baby and toddler?"

Take care my dudes, hope the week(s) treat you all fantastically, and see you in a few. Love you guys.

Twofer since I'm outta here for a week!