sharia law now mandatory, finally

Recaps

Well. So this week was kind of a clusterfuck of shittery that left me reeling like an asshole who can't manage their schedule. So in lieu of just not post anything, I'll do my best to include some bullshit that will give the appearance of effort but in reality may be the most batshit insane things I can muster up.

Roll Tide vs. McBride of Frankenstein

I knew I shouldn't have gotten Llamar Jackson these balloons when I heard he was nearing the end of recovering from that ankle injury from earlier in the season,

That said, he did put up more of a fight on Sunday than Ken Paxton did against Talafreako

Any Day Now vs. Newman's Owned

You know, after Tuesday I was really hoping we were going to go from Any Day Now to The Day is Today, but looks like we still will have to deal with the Dementia Don for the time being. And in the meantime we'll have to take the losses and lumps as they come.

Congrats to the artist formerly known as Newman's Owned, and now known as Fodera Hit Squad. God damn man, you want mother fuckin Frank comin after us?? We got away with not having to move any furniture out of our place because god damn out-maneuvered him with his own rental contract, but I just know he's been plotting his revenge.

It'll be as swift and brutal like a Puka Nacua chomp to the back of a shoulder.

The Super Wicked Problems vs. I'm Thinkin' RBs

Now, if I had a picture to help relate kind of what I think of when I see this boxscore,

So anyway, this shit didn't seem like it was ever really that close. Josh "if you think about it, I'm the real victim here" Jacobs got I'm Thinkin' RBs out to an early lead after Thursday Night Football, and that fucking team never even remotely gave that shit up.

PS. What the fuck is wrong with Mark Andrews? He was good at some point right? He's absolute fucking dog water this season.

You Got A Purdy Mouth vs. Australian Heath Ledgers

So uhh, what kind of fuckin analysis do I even have for this shit. Uhmm. Australian Heath Ledgers got fuckin bamboozled by his best players:

• Kenneth Walker Texas Ranger sucked.
• George Picks sucked.
• well fuck, this list is stupid as hell

That's it. That's the whole fucking recap god damn it. I truly have nothing worth mentioning.

You know who else has nothing worth mentioning? The products and services that sponsor this column!

extra chroMahomes vs. Hits the Picardest

Now I don't want to seem like a bitter asshole, but what the fuck was this god damn pathetic showing by Bijan al-Gaib?? COME ON MAN. These mediocre sub-10 point games are fucking killing me. I hate fucking being in the god damn basement in this fucking league filled with handsome and really cool guys whomst I wish well (in that I don't wish any specific harm).

Sure, I could blame the fact that I CAN'T SEEM TO GOD DAN DROP ANY OF THE DEAD WEIGHT ON MY FUCKING BENCH. Every week I look at Jacory Croskey-Merritt and De'Zhaun Stribling and wonder, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE.

I don't care that Christian Watson had (FUCK YOU, WORLD WILDLIFE FOUNDATION) a moment only Vince McMahon could script, SCORE ME MORE POINTS YOU FUCK.

Fin

First off, my bad on being a day late on a column that I consider routinely published too late in the week. I hope everyone was able to survive their work week and with any luck, this will serve as a great shitter read or something over this weekend.

Second, I truly do hope folks had themselves a fun Halloween - it was Penelope's first and I have to admit it's fucking rad going to a house with your kid to ask for candy. The excitement and utter bewilderment that she had where for whatever reason, some dipshit phrase like "Trick or Treat" means that you can then just grab a bunch of colored packages of who the fuck knows (she's still just 2 and change so mom and dad plundered everything she got).

And when they're as small and adorable as she is, people will just let her go fuckin hog wild on their candy bowls. Sure, we ended up with some Milk Duds (why are they still legal to make) but she did grab a lot of Reese's among other super solid choices.

Thirdly, good luck to all you assholes tomorrow. I don't necessarily want to wish everyone good luck because I'm desperate for both a winning record as well as a solid playoff spot. But even if everyone happens to somehow lose, I sure do hope everyone has a super fun time if/when they do.

Take care you fuckers. Stay safe, stay warm, make sure 'to give those lineups a good once-over by Sunday! Much love, my dudes.

I uhh, hope this shit all made sense. Literally falling asleep typing the last of this up. folks! So in case it doesn't, my bad on that one.