I'm a victim of circumstance
Colts vs Commies
Mariota goes down, which makes way for the Grecian Sensacian - Throwdysseus.
Patriots vs Bills
Pardon me, I need to first get this out,
Oh wait, not sure if I've fully made my point,
I can't fucking believe we pulled it off again. Although I really shouldn't be all too surprised because we've always had a man on the inside. Someone who no one in Buffalo could ever have expected:
And of course, we need to give some respect to the man who fucking finally decided to show up this season,
So,
Fuck the Bills and Fuck that Bitch-ass Stadium
Jets @ Bears
...hmmm....
Jaggin Bungles
ahhhhh,,,,,
Cards @ Giants
Oh come the fuck on, hell no
Rams @ Iggles
Ahh! Here's a game!
Packers @ Buccs
.. you know what,
Titans @ Ravens / Cowboys @ Texans / Dolphisn @ Vikes / Chefs @ Raiders / broncos @ 9ers / charge @ bitch pigeons
Lions @ Panthers
Sure. The Patriots beating the Bills makes for some good fun, but the real reason this portion of the column made it this week for the first time this season is because of this game.
And specifically, this gif I found that perfectly demonstrates the tragic existence of the current Detroit Lions and their fans,
Recapulations
Ayyyyy, welcome back. It's week 4 and it's like .. kinda the 25% of the season mark? Week 5 already has some byes, and the season is 18 weeks now so .. uhh. I dunno, the fractions I'm coming up with are kind of weird and scary to me.
Sooooo yeah, let's kick this shit off. And just remember, if you have any issues with anything I've said you can always direct those complaints straight up your own asshole!
[W] Santa Fe Boaters
[L] Duke Monte Kiffin's Son
The Santa Fe Boaters fucking demolished the league as a fucking whole. Jesus titty fucking christ, his bench outscored literally every other roster outside of mine - and he was only short by 1 point.
He didn't just open a can of whoop ass on Duke Monte Kiffin's Son, he emptied a god damn keg on him like he was a member of the Cornell 7 prepping their upcoming Saturday night special.
PS. So I guess that Jacoris or whatever dipshit on the Seahawks truly does suck shit and it's not the fault of his Oline or other supporting cast members. Emanuel Wilson lit it the fuck up - definitely going to be The Man moving forward.
[W] Big Dic Sadiq
[L] The Super Wicked Problems
First off, gotta give props where props be due: always a fan of anyone able to circumvent the profanity filter on any game or platform. For every thousand "Run CMC", "Hurts So Good", or "Show Me Your TDs" there are those out there that put in the effort to try, try, and try again.
So I salute you, Big Dic Sadiq and I'm happy you were rewarded with the W.
I don't really have much to comment on this one except holy shit, Omarion Hampton is just such a pain in the fucking asshole. I want to really drive it home that he's so frustratingly inconsistent but I really should give him a break because he's on such a broken-as-fuck Chargers team. It's depressing to realize that there is very much a non-zero chance that there exists Chargers/Clippers fans out there.
Speaking of that, I know shit wasn't that great for you Super Wicked Problems, but don't beat yourself up too badly for the loss. Sure you have Saquon gone (Sagone, if you will), but at least now you won't keep getting suckered into starting his dumb ass and getting your hopes completely fucking stomped.
And you still have incredible pieces in Josh Allen, The Sun God, and somehow Alvin Kamara (how the fuck is he still producing??).
[W] The Princess McBride
[L] Any Day Now
Of all the rosters I've looked over where Rashee Rice is starting and did fucking nothing, The Princess McBride is certainly one of them.
Rice fucking sucks so much, and when there's even the slightest bit of adversity around he just fucking bounces.
- Need him to show up for fantasy? Nope, out.
- Got himself a slight injury? Nope, out.
- Involved in a high-speed multi-vehicle street racing crash? Nope, out.
- Need to stay drug-free for probation? Nope, out.
I know athletes are fucking idiots, but come the fuck on, man.
All that said, who fucking cares? Any Day Now lost anyway, and in like 2 or 3 weeks when Rice will be back on the field again, no one will even remember this column anyway.
Which brings me to the loser of the week, I have to give you kudos for staying proactive with Jets running backs. Your stud in Breece Hall goes the fuck down, so you jumped on Braelon Allen. Unfortunately for you, you chose poorly since the kid kinda fucking blows.
[L] Roll Tide
[W] Australian Heath Ledgers
I'll always find it funny when a roster wins despite literally all of it sucking shit.
Obviously a win is a win, regardless of how few points you scored, or how many players were injured, or whatever. While it was adequate, Jordan Love didn't really have that great of a game, and Australian Heath Ledgers got his ass dragged to a win by that KC Chief shitbag and eldest boy, Kendall Walker III.
Christ, the rest of that roster is straight cheeks, even that fucking JSN fucker (at least this week).
Really it came down to the fact that Roll Tide was somehow even more cheeks. Like, unwashed butthole cheeks. The kind of cheeks that leave a toilet seat dirtier after having sat on it.
Oh god, what the fuck am I talking about. Eww. I can fucking taste whatever I'm writing about right now.
Let's just distract everyone with this stupid picture and move on,
[L] I'm Thinkin' RBs
[W] extra chromaHomes
You know, when you go winless, the desperation kinda piles on. I may have told I'm Thinkin' RBs that if we ended Sunday Night tied, I'd bench Bijan and artificially get that tie. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it, even if it would have been kinda neato - and like, we have tenths of a point in our scoring, to tie even if on purpose has to be considered kinda impressive, right?
Well. I wanted the fucking win. And I'll also say that someone who purposefully acts like a dipshit and benches one of their best players in order to rig a matchup for a tie, is a sad fucking individual (me). Sick, even. Someone who has serious trouble and should seek help (once again, it me).
This fantasy league ain't no charity, god damn it. There's no need to throw away a win for the sake of content. Shit man, I have a family to feed; they can't eat no tie and the Red Sox season is over so no more 99.
Fin.
And there we go, another one down the hatch!
It was a pretty fun week, if I do say so myself. Both from the perspective of being an NFL fan and my favorite team winning, but also because we are hitting the mother fucking stride of it being autumn. Leaves are changing all over the god damn place, the weather is cool enough that the absolutely ridiculous combo of sweater and shorts is on the table, and by some miracle apple cider donuts calories don't actually count.
Now we have a fuckin rad three day weekend coming up where I'm hoping to spend some quality time with the family, perhaps pick an apple or pumpkin or nine ... teen, and drink so many hazy IPAs I'll be gambling on farts and some sports the whole time.
