Now Banned from Performing at Gillette Stadium
Recaps
Hey folks, my bad on missing last week. Real life kinda got in the way as it usually does in the worst way possible. Nothing bad, just tough to juggle work, home, and the family. Kinda went to sleep Sunday evening and woke up Friday evening. Shit got real and absolutely beat the piss out of me.
But whatever - welcome back, my dudes. Not a bad showing from everyone, including those pesky NFL teams (except the greatest of them all - the Patriots).
With the abysmal failing of my personal favorite baseball team at the hands of their hated rival, all I want is to be excited by one of our hometown sports teams and .. well .. at least the Celtics should be pretty good, even though the FUCKING TRADED PERHAPS MY FAVORITE PLAYER OF THEIRS.
[L] The Super Wicked Problems
[W] Jaxson Shart
It would seem like the only Super Wicked Problem would have to be a big ol Shart taking him down a peg. Josh Allen looked mortal, Saquon Barkley apparently sucks shit, the Sun has set on Amon-Ra, and ETN is O for old.
Jaxson Shart (big ups for the correct spelling, the amount of people who spell it Jaxon is driving me insane) absolutely rocked out with both of his Brocks out while sporting quite the Chuba.
..and that's about as much innuendo as I think I can fit in there.
[L] Any Day Now
[W] I'm Thinkin' RBs
I'm Thinkin' RBs has joined the pantheon of 2-1ers with what is our second 117 to 70something score. That Gibbs guy looks to be 100% worth any and all auction money spent on him - the man is a fucking beast and just keeps showing it.
Backed up by,
- Some decent Dak energy
- Rootin Tuten
- and the:
It was more than enough to capture that dub for the week.
Any Day Now .. I don't want to kick you while you're down but holy shit, you are absolutely fucked at running back. At least you have what appears to be a glut of wide receivers given that you outscored your starters with the roster you have on the bench. But you better start fuckin trading soon because Achane is gone, Hall is D(ead), and Rhamondre is such a fuckin piece of shit I can't see straight because all he fucking does is god damn fumble the ball .. like, SO FUCKING MUCH. JUST HOLD ONTO THE FUCKING BALL YOU IDIOT.
[L] Roll Tide
[W] Optimum Retention Dept.
Like so many internet companies out there, Optimum captured the win and knocked Roll Tide from undefeatedness (what a terrible analogy). Thankfully, your bone-headed choice at Tight End didn't cost you - the amount of people starting Terrance Ferguson is truly troubling. The man is now marked as D for dead-weight, doing his best Mitch The Bitch impression,
And what the fuck is up with Omarion? In two years I think he's had one decent week. How incredibly mediocre: the quintessential Charger. He belongs in San Diego LA.
Roll Tide, the important lesson here is that while you tried and failed, at least you kept Bo Nix on your bench. Fuck him and his stupid fucking face. The Broncos are trash and by association so is he, so I couldn't be happier to see him just squirm on the bench alongside his insanely disappointing wide receiver in Courtland Sutton.
What even is a Courtland anyway? I've heard of Cortland apples, and they aren't even that fucking good anyway. They always seemed to edge closer to the tart-end of the apple spectrum like those garbage granny smiths - except they're fucking red. They have to wear a stupid fucking disguise to even get any sort of attention from people. Cortlands (and I can only assume Courtland as well) does nothing but lie about who they are. Disgusting.
Anyway, fuckin Jefferson and Hurts,
[L] Australian Heath Ledgers
[W] The Princess McBride
I honestly have not paid as close attention to a matchup as this one in years - probably 2 seasons ago when I made a run at the championship (which I won by the way, in case anyone may have forgotten). We were like, 90 seconds from the first ever fucking tie I've ever seen. I know I'm a relative newcomer to fantasy football - I only started playing in roughly 2010 or so (I avoided it in college because I was afraid of the way it was going to warp how I'd root for teams - and I didn't want to have to draft players from the Broncos, Dolphins, Jets, Ravens, Giants because I fucked hated them .. I still do, but I hated them too).
But over the last 16 years, I've seen a number of games in both this league, a league with my college buddies (that I coincidentally started playing in also in 2010), and a recent league that's only 4-5 years old that I'm playing with a bunch of high school fuckups - and in none of them have I seen anything as remotely close to a tie as this one.
I'm actually thinking of suggesting we change the rule that a defense can lose points based on the yards they give up - I mean, has no one ever heard of bend-but-don't-break? Yards don't win games, points do.
And that breakdown cost us what could have been quite possibly one of the most immortal moments in Teboq league history.
Anyway, back to the game - I want to thank Optimum Retention Dept. for morphing into the Optimum Attention Dept. and bringing this game to my attention late in the 4th quarter so I could get hyped and root for one of the fucking most rare things to happen.
When the Bears got into the red zone of the Eagles late in the 4th, I realized I had to root that they would score points and hopefully not trigger some threshold so the Eagles D/ST wouldn't lose a point. Not a sack. Not an interception. And my wish was granted.
Unfortunately, the Eagles' ensuing drive just went too fast. Fuckin sucked that they used all their mojo and ultimately turned the ball over on downs. One fucking first down later, and Philly lost a point and the game was over.
[W] extra chroMahomes
[L] Duke Monte Kinffin's Son
What the fuck man. I have Bijan Robinson who is quite possibly (and most probably) the second best back in the league just shitting out points, along with a fairly resurgent Patrick Mahomes and I just continue to get my face pounded in for a third straight week.
- Chase Brown fuckin sucks.
- Sam LaPorta blows.
- Jadarian "the" Price "is wrong, bitch"
- Jaylen Waddle "off my roster, asshole"
- AJ Brown is dead
- Stribling is dead
- Xavier "not" Worthy
- Mitsubishi Mirage Marv
- Jacory Croskey-Merritt did this shit to me last season
Yeah, I just listed my entire roster for some dipshit reason because I'm just pissed at how much it sucks. Then to top it off, for some reason I have TWO defenses. The fuck am I doing??
Solid win, Duke Monte Kinffin's Son. It wasn't even as close as the final score would read. I got boat raced and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better anytime soon.
Fin
Week 3 is dead and gone!
Now, I know I say this a lot so I might as well continue saying it over, and over, and over, and over again: I ain't got time to proof-read, so if you happened to notice any typos or grammar issues, no you didn't.
Hope anyone here that is actually still enjoying the MLB playoffs continue to do so. For me personally, that shit has been relegated to background sound while I'm cooking shit with my daughter (best sous chef out there when it comes to rinsing and drying veggies).
Don't forget: it's Spooktober season, so get them decorations up if that's some try-hard shit you enjoy doing. If you don't enjoy doing it, then fuckin don't you god damn Halloween-Grinch.
As usual, stay healthy, stay safe, take care of yourselves, fuck the yankees, and see you jerks next week. Love you guys.
