Shut up, Wesley.

Welp. It was a pretty fuckin nice week off! Almost too nice. In case all of you were wondering, Vermont was pretty god damn spectacular. Yeah sure, we missed the peak season, but we did beat stick season and was able to enjoy leaves of every shade of gold.

Now, before I move on with all of you assuming that it was fun I need to make things clear: any sort of "vacation" with children under a certain age (in our case, a little over 27-months and 7-months) there is no such fucking thing as an outright fun vacation. It was a trip, and it had us questioning whether it was ultimately a fun time.

Of course, it's always worth it because it's nice to break up the monotony of home life - I don't need to fuckin cook shit, we get to enjoy a pretty nice AirBnb spot (note: fuck AirBnb, so happy that so many dipshit hosts are all sorts of pissed off from the new rules), calories simply do not apply, and where there's any extra time available, we can fill it in with drinking booze cocktails and beers.

But holy shit, it's still a god damn exhausting experience. There is no such thing as a significant chunk of time where Rachel and I can talk about anything other than "did we bring enough milk", "where is the afternoon snack?", "we only have one more diaper", "oh my god there's no spare pants?", "oh dear god the whole car seat is covered", "she grabbed what off of that stranger's plate??", and so on.

Sure, there's the time in the evening when both kids are finally asleep - but that time is reserved for me to fall asleep and Rachel to look through the day's photos while we rewatch Ozark, occasionally commenting about how much we love Ruth's character, how Marty is kind of a badass, how Wendy keeps going between bad bitch and outright bitch, and how outright terrifying Darlene is.

At this point, you may be wondering: "what the fuck is the point of all of this?" Well, it's that you all serve as my own personal therapist as I complain about the cycle of insanity that takes place where,

1. a trip is taken
2. we go fuckin insane
3. say "that was exhausting" < We are here
4. time passes
5. another trip is taken

All that said, I'd do it again. Challenges like these are always worth it for the memories they make. Plus the beer was pretty fucking good - even at Alchemist (which I accidentally called Trillium like a fucking idiot). I learned that apparently they invented the concept of a New England IPA, which they communicated to us in the most fucking obnoxious way possible.

Don't get too all high a mighty guys, your New England IPAs aren't actually even the best ones we tasted on the trip, so calm your hops. Fuckin bitches.

Recaps

All right, enough with the pleasantries, let's get to the good shit.

Hi We've Met vs Bye bye bye

I don't even know who the fuck is who anymore, everyone's god damn team name keeps changing every fucking week.

So uhh, I think this is who I think it is, if that makes any god damn sense.

And what the fuck, I've bitched and moaned about how teams are scoring a shitload of points now for like, so many god damn weeks, I can't keep squeezing juice from the same fucking fruit because that shit is drier than a Trophy Wife at Mar-a-Lago.

So I'll have to go with uhm, something newer and more unique: for example, have I ever told you how much I hate the Denver Broncos?

Well shit man, how about how fucking awful Jordan Mason is? The fuck even is that Vikings running back situation?

That's all I got, so bye bye bye.

I'm Thinkin' RBs vs. Roll Tide

I want to talk shit about I'm Thinkin' RBs starting Josh Jacobs and try to pretend I have some sort of moral supremacy - but this shit is fantasy football, not a morality contest. So now I'm sad that I don't have that fuckin dipshit of an asshole human on my team, because he fucking won and I fucking lost.

And what the fuck happened to Tractorcito, huh? The weather has started getting colder and the big fucker completely shit the bed against a division rival. The fuck is that pathetic display of horseshittery? What a fuckin dipshit.

What the fuck happened to Justin Jefferson, too? I thought he was supposed to be fucking good. I don't care that he has a god damn Oompa Loompa throwing him the ball, he's got two hands and incredible athletic ability - fucking make a god damn play you scrub.

The Fat Orange, The vs. Any Day Now

These 1-2 combo fantasy team names are really boiling my potato.

Sure, a part of me loves the shenanigans y'all are pulling, but for the love of god, when you're so fucking behind on writing these dipshit columns it gets prettttty tough to know who the fuck is who.

That said, please for the love of god don't you fucking dare stop.

Anyway, I think The Fat Orange was the team with a bunch of slack-jawed yokels fuckin suckin asshole and losing and shit. Yeah sure, Ashton "I dream of" Jeanty, D'Andre "taylor" Swift, and Drake "is a pedophile" London all had decent showings but what the fuck is up with the double Brock suckers?? And shit, Chuba wasn't chasin anything but sadness.

Any Day Now got at least one of his wishes fulfilled: a win.

Now let's get that second wish:

You Got a Purdy Mouth vs. The Super Wicked Problems

I gotta be frank, I ain't got shit for this matchup. It's not particularly close. There aren't any standout performances. There really aren't any upset performances. "Oh geez wow! Tyler Shough had a mediocre game? NO FUCKING WAY!"

If I had to call out two things:

Saquon Barkley is a god damn animal. That motherfucker refused to just go out of that game. I'm actually shocked he scored 13.1 points given how many times the camera showed him lying down being addressed by the medical staff on the sidelines - as a very passive viewer of the game, I had no fucking clue he was actually consistently in there when he could. What a fucking gamer.

Kyle Pitts Sr. Perhaps one of the most infuriating fantasy football players in recent history. Right up there with the likes of Trent Richardson, Mike Tolbert, and uhhhh shit I know there's more but whatever fuck those guys.

Just like, fuck Kyle Pitts Sr. who seems to only have decent performances after:

• you bench him
• you release him
• you trade him away

Yes, I understand that's kind of a paradox because you would think the implication is that at least one team owner would actually be enjoying his success, but no, no one ever enjoys a successful day by Kyle Pitts Sr.

Australian Heath Ledgers vs. so many chroMahomes

WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK I LOST THIS FUCKING GAME BECAUSE OF THE GOD DAMN STUPID FUCKING RAVENS DEFENSE. IF I ONLY HAD NOT EVEN STARTED A DEFENSE I COULD HAVE WON THIS WEEK AND CONTINUED MY CLIMB BACK TO .500 AND GIVEN MYSELF A FIGHTING CHANCE FOR THE POSTSEASON. BUT NO NOT ONLY DID I FUCK THAT UP BUT NOW I HAVE MORE PLAYERS ON THE GOD DAMN IR.

AND SPEAKING OF THE FUCKING IR WHY WOULD AJ BROWN COME OFF OF IT IF HE STILL CONTINUES TO SUCK DONKEY DICK AT PLAYING THE SPORT OF FOOTBALL. WHAT THE FUCK.

KIM JONG UN IS ABLE TO EXECUTE HIS OWN UNCLE, WHY CAN'T I FIND IT WITHIN MYSELF TO FUCKING DROP DE'ZHAUN STRIBLING. THE MAN IS A NOBODY WHO HAS BARELY PLAYED ANY FUCKING FOOTBALL THIS SEASON. ALL I'M GOING BY IS HYPE I LEARNED FROM AN EARLIER FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT - NOT EVEN ANY FUCKING RESEARCH I DID.

Congrats on 6 wins, Australian Heath Ledgers. I'm so happy for you and shit. You seem like a stand up fellow and your squad is really solid. way to capture a win despite Kenneth Walker Texas Ranger saying that you have AIDs only scoring 5.7 points.

FUCK IF I HAD STARTED THE FUCKING JETS DEFENSE LIKE YOU DID, I COULD HAVE FUCKING WON.

Fin.

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life fantasy football.

Rest in Peace to a real one.

Happy Halloween Week my fellow fantasy fuckers! I hope everyone had a wonderful week 7 and get yo' asses greased up and prepared for a spicy week 8 this weekend. And perhaps in the meantime, enjoy a spooktacular Halloween weekend!

It's kinda wild how much that holiday has transitioned for folks like myself (and most likely, exactly like yourselves). Gone are the days of scouring a neighborhood with no parents tagging along, searching for the legendary households that carry full size bars. Gone are the days when the evening would be a fun time to sneak the fuck out under the guise of trick or treating and ultimately getting high from smoking out of a plastic bottle pipe (or apple, or whatever mcguyver-esque creation you would have). Gone are the days of putting in as little energy and creativity as possible to pass as a costumed character in order to get into whatever cheap-booze-filled party is going on.

Gone are the days of forgetting to get any candy so you struggle to stumble around the household because you have to keep the lights out in order for no kids to show up, get disappointed, and then absolutely batter the side of the house with eggs.

Hello to the days of having our own little munchkin to take out and have her gather candy that ultimately, we will eat; Drinking beers while walking her around the neighborhood.

Take care my dudes, hope everyone has a wonderful final October weekend. Stay safe out there, stay warm, stay costumed (if that's your thing), and see you all next week!