As seen at the Kennedy Center!

Welcome back, ladies and germs. It's 2026, and the time is nigh for a new fuckin season of Fantastical Football!

Hopefully everyone has done their proper preparatory work and prayed to whatever deity or substation they needed to prior to the draft because y'all are fucked once I truly hit my stride this season.

How could that be possible? How am I so confident? Well, first off I have the ol' baby power bump from Madeline being born in March. Sure, that was like 3 or 4 (or 5) months ago so while the power may be diluted by that asshole Father time, it's still going to be a karmic force to be reckoned with. She's still barely more than a sentient doorstop who spends most of her time smiling and then her off time pooping, I've doubled my dad strength - which I'm like, 99% sure translates directly into online fantasy football.

And I'm not done: Not only have I gained a new daughter, my grandmother and dad both died this year!

Now, if you think that was a powerfully awkward statement, then you better buckle the fuck in for a wild ride of fantasy columns.

On a more serious note, my dad lived a wild life and I'm truly happy that he's finally at peace. Strokes are fuckin brutal, and so is vascular dementia - take care of yourselves folks, I want to know all of you for as long as possible.

Here, scope out his obit (I wrote like 85% of it and Lulu helped edit it for me), it's quite a ride and frankly undersells what he accomplished: GRE

The 2026 season has begun

Have to admit, I ain't going to have much shit to drop about week one. I was so excited for the return of the NFL season, I made sure to catch the first game - which was an all-time bazooka blast to the fuckin balls - and then watch a combined 25 minutes of the rest of the games because of a planned trip to Chicago!

I've only ever visited the Windy City like 33 years ago when the family drove through and got stuck in traffic.

This was the very first time I had actually set foot on the ground, and I have to say the city is pretty fucking awesome. The weather was fantastic. The food was incredible - I had my first pizza pot pie, and that shit was delicious. The River Walk is one of the coolest god damn things out there. There's a vibrant local brew scene with the haziest of IPAs (where I'm from we call them New England IPAs). It's frankly tough to find any issues.

Which is why we decided to bring some with us: our children.

Don't get me wrong. I love those two little monsters more than anything on this Earth but holy shit - we bit off waaaay more than we could chew. The toddler brought a wild stowaway we didn't expect: sickness. So as the trip went on, she slowly infected us through her generosity .. and inability to just cover her mouth when coughing.

Dinner plans at a remotely nice restaurant? Those used to not be that bad as long as we had a couple activities and food for the kids. NOT ANYMORE. The food I made, froze, and brought with us is worthless compared to the wonderful table bread available.

At least all the research and money spent looking for toys and activities to keep them busy were tossed by the wayside in favor of a stack of napkins to wipe up water I would flick all over the table. Admittedly, that was actually a positive thing even if it was the result of more luck than brains.

Anyway, enough about the whee ones. I have plenty opportunity to bring up those monsters this season.

SO. WEEK ONE. I'm definitely not going to go over each individual game, but I do have some strong opinions about some of these stupid fucking matchups. Most significantly is the god damn fucking Patriots throwing away a game they should have won over Drew fucking Lock. And then god damn Maye just THROWS AWAY THE GAME??? What the fuck was that dick-in-ass-shit-bag throw??

Whatever. Fuck this. Let's just get to the recapss

Recappin time

Time to do what I do best.

Any Day Now [L]
The Super Wicked Problems [W]

Welp, I guess through Josh Allen all things are possible.

Then on the other end of the spectrum: Saquon and ETN kinda stunk it the fuck up, and it looks like I may have found the only roster in the league that actually depends on a Miami offensive player - but it didn't matter because the Sun God and Josh dragged The Super Wicked Problems to a solid win.

Oh. Shut my mouth - I forgot about Achane. Shit, I feel bad for him being stuck on an absolute dumpster fire of a team.

Well. Not that bad because as a Patriots fan, my feeling will always be: fuck dolphins because just like in real life, they'll fuck you right in the asshole if you're not careful.

Good luck to Any Day Now. Sure, you have Trevor "The hot chick" Lawrence, but he's still a Jagoff. Stafford has to be the more sure-fire choice for fantasy, but unfortunately the time dilation that Rams team experienced from their 24 hours spent in Australialand is going to be fucking them for a long time.

The Princess McBride (hah, nice) [W]
Duke Monte Kiffin's Son [L]

Let's scope out Mr Princess,

Llamar Jackson: still good
Jonathan Taylor "Thomas": still good
Javonte Williams: still good?
Tony Pollard: He ded.
Rams: trapped somewhere between this moment in time

While Dookie man,

Run CMC: Brought passport, left abilities behind
Ja'Marr Chase: Went to Florida, shit bed like so many of its elderly
Kyle Pitts Sr.: Disappointment in the form of a Tight End

yadda yadda yadda oh my god whatever, congrats on the win, McBride

NOTE: I simply can not stop typing McBridge instead of McBride and it's driving my sleep-deprived brain something something.

Optimum Retention Dept [L]
Anyone Got a Tebow Title? [W]

So I guess maybe Justin Herbert isn't that good, is he? God damn he is nearing Kyle Pitts Sr. levels of disappointingness. That bitch is in his late-mid-20s and hasn't even won a god damn playoff game. We seriously fucking doing this shit again?? Good luck with that guy, Optimum Retention Dept. Maybe you'll get more out of him than that absolute Smoke Show of a wife he has can get out of him on the field.

And by smoke show, I'm obviously talking about Mike McDaniel,

Oh, and Puka like, might be a zombie or some shit. What the fuck was up with that bite strength??

Anyone Got a Tebow Title? is quite the team name, how about, Team All I Do Is Win

You'll go far kid with motherfuckers like Axction Jaxson, I Dream of Jeanty, and Mr. Swifty leading your attack. Those fuckers alone would defeat half of this league.

Australian Heath Ledgers [W]
I'm Thinkin' RBs [L]

How the fuck does a team score 150+ fucking points in this league? I know I've mentioned this a million times before, but I love this league so much because it is so god damn nerfed in regards to scoring that it changes the dynamic of how to put a team together so fucking much. We get 90 to 93 point barn burners. Wide receivers can score 11 points a week and be considered fucking elite.

But then this god damn Aussie Psychopath fucks around and tops 150.

Here, you have won the week 1 prize:

I seriously want to laude him for the output .. but I'm a bitter piece of shit Patriots fan so seeing Defensive Player of the Year Jaxon Smith-Nijigba pisses me off because like, WHY THE FUCK COULD SOMEONE NOT HAVE COVERED OR TACKLED THAT ASSHOLE, HUH?? WHAT THE FUCK. MAYBE SPEND LESS TIME MONITORING THE INTERNET FOR MEAN TWEETS ABOUT ISRAEL AND SPEND MORE TIME ON OUR DEFENSE.

Tough week I'm Thinkin' RBs, but as usual, the season is a marathon that drags on for days and days and weeks and weeks until you just wish Flanders was dead. That said, having some of the most productive players possible is going to definitely help you in the long run.

Unless Dak fuckin sucks. Not really sure what the fuck was wrong with him against the Giants. That offense is supposed to be god damn great this year, and instead they're going to just ruin the prime of Jerruh's life.

Roll Tide [W]
extra chroMahomes [L]

Outstanding game, Roll Tide. I ain't got shit to say. Sometimes you just have to applaud the opponent and call them your daddy, because I got fuckin spanked. Really the only negative part of this week for that Crimson Crew is the potential that Zay Flowers may be more hurt than we expect.

That would be bad because a bunch of those receivers on the bench (and in your FLEX) just ain't it. But you know what is it?

For example, I had no idea Donkey Kong Metcalf was even still in the league. Good for him, I guess. Good luck with that shit.

Me? Well. I'll have to take my dead deceased receivers and rebuild from there. Thankfully, I might have a decent shot with Mr. Watson and .. well .. I don't fucking know. Mazda Marv sucks. Waddle sucks. Xavier "is not" Worthy. Whatever, we'll see what happens - all I have to do is survive 4-8 weeks and then I'll have the rest of the league right where I want them.

Now. Where the fuck can I get myself a new wide retriever???

Fin

Welp. Of all the columns I've written, that was certainly one of them. Just remember, this it's week one for shitposters like myself as well.

I'm just happy I was able to sneak in enough time to get this shit out by the end of the week - maybe just pretend week 2 hasn't already started (I'll let you know when you can stop pretending).

So have a solid end of the middle of September, everyone. I know I say this every year around this time, but this is just the fucking best time of the year. Take care of yourselves, be smart, stay healthy, and eat a couple [dozen] apple cider donuts thinking of me.

See you assholes next week.

Try to take it easy until then.

(You can stop pretending now)