TWO OH TWO FOUR

I dunno about you fuckers, but I spent this New Year's Eve at home:

Playing some Splendor. Drinking local brews (love me some Juice Bag). Eating home made pizza.

And that's how I likes it.

Not to say that I'm going to negatively judge anyone going out. I've had so much fuckin fun partying on NYE with my good friends of days past. Shit, some of you assholes are part of those ye olde shenanigans. However, it's kinda nice to stay in, load up on ridiculous New Year tradition malarkey (jumping at midnight so you land in 2024 with good luck, eating grapes/round fruits, wearing red underwear, going around the block/house with an empty suitcase, all of the above...), and laughing at the overproduced entertainment running with a fuckin ~45 second delay.

But mostly realizing that I don't have a god damn clue who 75% of the celebrities and bands are that they keep showing on TV.

"Oh no. Green Day is how old??"

Oh my god the season is almost over

All right. With the pleasantries done with, let's jump into some week 17 funnery!

Jest @ BOROWNS

Now. I don't want to just lay into the Jest franchise and pile on because frankly, their trials and tribulations at Quarterback have me realizing that us Greatriot fans will never, ever experience happiness again outside of the occasional week 8 Super Bowl. Especially once Belichick is sent off by Robert Kraft in exchange for two weeks of handies, five happy endings, and seven with eye contact.

Anyway, I think I now have an answer to the question: What would you do if you had a time machine?

No, I wouldn't kill baby Hitler. I wouldn't go back and tell past-me to buy Apple stock. I would grab a grand of bitcoin either.

I'd go back to ~2013 and tell a Browns fan that they would be chanting Flacco's name on the way to a playoff berth in 2023, just to see someone's head explode a la Total Recall.

Lions VS Refs

So I hear some absolutely fuckin bullshit happened this game, and as a neutral third party to this game, I couldn't have been more entertained during and after this game.

Some would say the greatest rivalries in sports would be,

• Sox vs. Yanks
• Celtics vs. Lakers
• Confederate states vs. literacy
• Michigan vs. Ohio St.
• Englishman vs. Scots
• Welshmen vs. Scots
• Japanese vs. Scots
• Scots vs Scots

But we all know the true top-tier rivalry are the Lions vs. the Refs

The wild thing is, apparently Dan Campbell knowing full-well of this storied history did his best to inform the referees about the potential for a deceptively confusing play,

But I get it. The refs had no possible ability to even see #68 declaring himself eligible. And unfortunately, there is zero media available to truly confirm/disprove this,

Of course, I'm sure the NFL will take the appropriate course of action and hold these referees accountable,

But you know, it's all quite relatable. Who hasn't been in a such a high-stress situation and completely fucking forgot what was just told to you? I mean, it's never happened to me, but I'm sure it's happened to other people out there - not just at their jobs, but I'm sure in their own personal lives.

Greatriots @ Bill's

Let's just take a look at the first play of the game and nothing else.

Failcons @ Brrrs

Meh. Pass.

LA/Oak/LV Raiders @ Lolts

Pass.

Rams @ Geeeeee Men

Rams.. are in the playoffs??

STL Cards @ Iggles

I'm sorry, Philly fans. But you know I had to do it to 'em

Aints @ Buccos

I dunno man. I feel like this is the classic Baker Mayfield. Build up so much fucking hope. Play out of your mind. Such a god damn gamer.

And then you fucking lose a game you really kinda sorta needed to win.

9ers @ Commies

A whole lot of people made it to the finals on the back of McCaffrey, and possibly fucking lost because Shanahan drove that motherfucker into the ground, leading to his worst performance all season.

Of course, none of those people are me. Out of the four leagues I participate in, I made a total of zero playoffs.

Tepper is a bitch @ God hates Jags

Fraudphins @ Baldimore

Seems like the Ravens have the number one seed all wrapped up. They can rest players in week 18. They have a first round bye.

What could go wrong?

...

Tittans @ Tejans

Bitchburg @ Rainy City Bitch Pigeons

..at least the Huskies won, right?

LAClippers @ Broncos

Ahhh the Broncos playoff chances,,

Bungles @ Chefs

Pack @ Vikes

FINALS

I am sad to say it:

The 2023 Fantasy Football Season has come to an end.

Of all the fantasy seasons we've had, this was absolutely one of them.

With great sadness, I will now pour over the final boxscore of the season and try to disseminate it into multiple sentences that follow one or more cohesive points and maybe even sneak a joke in there or two.

Unfortunately, I CAN'T FUCKING FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE CURRENT BOXSCORE BEING SHOWN TO ME

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? BARELY ANY OF THOSE PLAYERS ARE ACTUAL QUARTERBACKS. I CAN'T FUCKING TELL WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS GOING ON.

L - Sunstroke Serenaders

W - The Koi Pond 🏆

What started with the most eyebrow-raisingest move of the draft: Travis Kelce going for something insane like $77 bucks, ended up obscuring perhaps the best pickup of that same draft in Christian McCaffrey. We all thought The Koi Pond was maybe delirious from a lack of sleep and an overabundance of baby poop, however with those two madmen accounting for ... well .. just 10.7 points combined in week 17 .. hmm. Wait.

Oh well, who fucking cares, because all the other players The Koi Pond had helped send him over-the-top and capture the 2023 Fantasy Football Championship over Sunstroke Serenaders.

Notably: CompactDisc Lamb! Yeah, he maybe started off pretty shittily this season with 3 of the first 5 weeks scoring fewer than 10, and then went absolutely fucking crazy for the next 11 weeks averaging 18.35 points.

Oh. It's still Christian McCaffrey.

As much as I would love to give the Fantasy MVP to Ceedeez nuts, Run CMC put up an absolutely fucking wild average of 20.27 points, with his only single-digit performance in this week 17 game.

Shit. If you averaged Run CMC over the entire 17 weeks that included a bye, he put up an ungodly 19.08 per week.

Travis, on the other hand, sucked some fuckin asshole over the last half of the season. What the fuck could have possibly been such a negative influence in his game?

Anyway, slenderwoman aside, I have to applaud the attempt by Sunstroke Serenaders to put up a fight. Week 16 was fairly close, but even with a better showing in week 17 there just wasn't much he could do to overcome the absolute fucking onslaught by The Koi Pond. The motherfucker put up 110+ points. What a dick.

Now, The Koi Pond's season wasn't without stumbles - shit man, the psychopath started two tight ends this week. That Flex position was probably the largest bane of The Koi Pond's existence in 2023.

Some notables include,

• ..holy shit, he had Trey McBride for like 3 weeks??
• Roschon Johnson
• Jaleel McLaughlin
• Wait - he rode with Travis and Trey for fucking 6 weeks??
• Lmao, that one week with D'Onta Foreman suckin shit because he had Free Agent Darrell Henderson Jr. literally scoring nothing
• and so on and so forth

That all said, when one takes a look alllll the way back at the draft recap,

Who the fuck would have guessed this moderately psychopathic draft would capture the championship? I guess with hindsight we should have all seen it coming, but it really was thanks to the consistency of Lamb and McCaffrey. Definitely not the million dollar man, Kelce.

Imagine if Achane and Richardson hadn't been injured. The Koi Pond could have .. well, he did win the championship, but he'd be even more Championer of a Champion.

OK, this shit is getting ridiculous and if I keep this going I'm going to start making this about my roster, and what the fuck Trevor Lawrence was such a god damn disappointment. And jesus christ I had the absolute lock down on running backs. The fuck did I go wrong with Bijan, Mixon, Swift, Mattison, Ford...??? Fuck me god damn it. I blame all of this on Arthur Smith refusing to use his absolute god-tier stud running back consistently enough to get me those couple of wins - that fucking no-neck having bitch.

Oops, there I go.

Congratulations, The Koi Pond!

https://i.imgur.com/OlvTQ0K.png

I fucking dare you do it again.

You won't.

Fin.

Well shit. It's over. It's done. Another Fantasy Football season is dead and gone.

I don't know about all of you folks, but I had a blast. Sure, my record may not indicate the best of times and instead, the blurst of times, but it's always a joy to check my roster by Sunday evening, curse some sort of higher-power, watch the primetime games and then run it all back the following week.

It's also an absolute joy when I get inspired to include some sort of fuckin weird intro to this column that may not have anything to do with Football. Whether it's my annual gripe about Cheese or Timezones. Maybe it's another food ranking or another story that serves to demonstrate how far we've strayed from God's light. Whatever it ends up being, it's a joy to write and I hope it helps bring a smile to your fuckin faces for those of you who choose to follow along.

So good luck in 2024, everyone. I hope it's everyone's best god damn year, and I look forward to running all of this shit back in August.

But let's not rush there for the love of God. Time passes way too fucking fast nowadays. I hope we all get a chance to savor some of it.

That's right. FOUR.