Gambling and shit

So some horseshit news came across the wire involving the fake Adarn Schefter and some Kraft mac jones n cheese guy joined up with another horseshit gambling platform.

Now. Don't get me wrong - a rising tide lifts all ships - I like competition in any market, even if it's the one I'm in. But this shit pisses me off because of the obvious catastrophic optics as well as the magnified possiblity of fucking conspiracy theories by way too many dipshit twitter users who think that because some proprietary Stat platform's API goes down, that's why they keep losing their moneyline bets on the fuckin Jags.

Like .. gambling platforms have so many fucking safe-guards to not just protect themselves against regulators, but also from dipshits out there that constantly whine that their bad skill is actually us picking on them because like so many of us citizens, American Exceptionalism has completely deluded too many people into thinking they matter to anyone outside of their pets.

So yeah, while sure - Adam could hold onto some juicy tidbit about Cam Newton possibly being signed, instead make a bet or two or possibly let a buddy know, and then post the news brief to twitter just 60 seconds later. But I personally don't think that,

1. He's fucking stupid enough to destroy his reputation as quite possibly the GOAT Founding Father Insider (don't even talk to be about that PaRappa the Rapoport amateur shit-sipper)
2. If he did, there's a little known law that penalize people who violate the Gambling Code of Ethics by catapult. What? I mean, have you even seen Tim Donaghy since that book? Check. Mate.

But it doesn't fucking matter.

We have to be so fucking careful with anything and everything new that we do - whether it's coming into a new state or unveil a new feature. Regulators want fucking blood and gambling platforms are such easy targets. We've gotten fucked before and just bad PR could thunderfuck our anus into a hoola-hoop.

What's my fucking point?

Well, I'm working on it - I think by week 5 or 6 I'll have it nailed down, but right now I fucking hate this move because any fucking gambling-related news that gets seen by people is bad for us because stigma and shit.

[JOE: I work for DraftKings. I probably should have mentioned that.]

Early Games

Panthahs vs. Ex-Oilers

Oooooh shit, that's right - this took place on Thursday.

..

Fuck that. I'm moving on.

Lolts at Tittans

oh. Christ. An AFC South rivalry game? Fucking get me out of here. A pox on that Colts franchise. Their QB is quite possibly the only other human on Earth that might give me a good challenge for EARTH'S STUPIDEST SHIT MAGNET (I mean, two sprained ankles? what the fuck???) and their owner is the only other human on Earth that might give me a good challenge for EARTH'S STUPIDEST DRUG CONSUMER.

Although, there is one thing Jim will always have over everybody,

Reporting whether the dome is open or closed.

Wow. Incredible.

Colts lost by the way.

Failcons n Gints

Jesus. ANOTHER dumpster fire? What the fuck is wrong with Week 3? Falcons? Giants? These are fucking trash teams right now, and it looks like we have our official,

How does Judge, Garrett and Gettlemen still have jobs? Especially Gettlemen, good fuckin lord.

Judge still has a GOAT first name, so he could stay like 3-4 .. more years.

Chargers vs. Chefs

This matchup's got me like: Whoa.

It had everything - and I saw none of it. But hey, that's never stopped me from any sort of critical analysis.

Speaking of no-look,

Dumbass.

You know. It's funny. I have a certain memory that manifests every time I hear a certain phrase .. and thankfully, it hasn't really happened for what feels like years and years.

Until that play, and people talking about Asante Samuel making a nice interception. I'm sorry friends, but it reminds me of that 2008 game with the Patriots and Giants. And how this dude's pappy just couldn't HOLD ONTO THE FUCKING INTERCEPTION THAT WOULD CAP A PERFECT SEASON.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH. AND HE HAD 19-0 WRITTEN ON HIS FUCKING FINGERS

POOP. HECK. FRICK. DARN. BUM.

Sigh.

Fuck I'm exhausted. At least the Pats are tied with the Chiefs at 1-2.

And the Falcons.

oh no

Bengals vs. SteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexE12

I should care about a classic AFC North rivalry, but I don't.

That Big Benedict Wafflesburger diet paying dividends, I see.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Brs at Brownies

I am a fantasy owner that started Justin Fields in one of their leagues.

Ask me anything!

I thought that he'd have a decent time for his homecoming, but apparently it turns out that Nagy is such a dipshit he seemingly coaches so Fields sucks dick to make the Dalton signing appear like a better move in retrospect.

Yeah yeah, memery aside, fuck Nagy and I can't believe Fields had like 3 yards passing or some stupid shit.

Ravens n Loins

Tell me you lost by a field goal without telling me you lost by a field goal.

Simps vs. Greatriots

This is exactly the shit-pumping that Patriots needed.

..

A blocked fuckin punt? For real?

Oh God. No. No. What the fuck?

What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with Josh? Why is he calling the plays that he is calling? Why? WHYYY?

blah blah fuck that

Cards n Jags

hahahah,

hah

PS. TLaw has like 38 interceptions already, what the fuck, get him out of there

WFT vs. Bills

What a couple of franchises.

One was a fuckin slur that eventually ended after their trademark was nulled out. And now they're some kind of parody of themselves with,

What the fuck? FUCKING NAME YOURSELVES, YOU COWARDS.

The other is named after their owner:

Bills won n shit.

Late games

Just end the suffering vs. fuckin Donkeys

Fuckin Borncos get another win and remain amongst the undefeateds,

Just horseshit, really. I don't fucking care what you tell me, the Broncos are barely a top-15 team. Records don't mean shit when none of your opponents even have a god damn win yet. So yeah, go eat Bluecifer's asshole, Broncos.

Dolphins/Vegas

Let's go Brisskett!

I gotta say that I fuckin hate that I root for the Dolphins sometimes. I'm a huge Jacoby fan. I'm a huge Brian Flores fan. They got folks like Elandon Roberts, JMac, .. more.

Yeehawks n Vikes

Vikes get their first dub of the season and are yet another piece of evidence against this very strong argument against a Mr. Pete Carrol,

uh oh.

Rams vs. Buccos

It's funny .. I want to care more about this game but I kinda sorta didn't? I dunno why, it's got two of my favorite QBs (and obviously, my superdupermegaultra favorite in Tom Terrrrrrrrrific) and it seemingly lived up to the hype.

Did I mention that I was working? WELL I WAS SO I COULDN'T REALLY PAY ATTENTION FUCKING BALLS.

Really the only thing I wanted to share was the incredible stick that some Rams defender put on Gronk. I mean, I love the big guy but geeeeeeeeeee-zusss, it was such a perfect tackle. Dude went through him like a hot knife through butter.

Ahh well.

Tom lost.

Packpackpackpackpackpackpack vs. 9ers

All i got are memes

Eegles vs. dem boys

It was a blow out
I had on but but did not
watch any of it

RECAPS

L - 100.48 (1-2) San Diego Super Marios

W - 123.90 (2-1) The Super Wicked Problems

Hmmmm.

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

This mother fucker won by 20+ despite the fuckin fact that he also has Christian McCaffrey.

I also want to give a special shoutout to the incredible WFT D/ST score,

-8 points. good lord.

W - 122.34 (2-1) New Baby Daddy

L - 75.64 (1-2) The Koi Pond

A win for the Verified Sex Haver, New Baby Daddy! In dominating fashion, no less. Not much the koi pond could do about that shit when Kyler Murray pitches a dud of a performance.

..and that Baby Daddy Boxscore shows that all but one of his players scored in doublé digits.

Oh. Before I move on - and I almost missed this little detail: but it would appear that every fuckin Cardinals offensive player is spoken for across these two teams:

New Baby Daddy:
AJ Green (totally fuckin forgot that dude's a Cardinal)

The Koi Pond:
Kyler Murray
DeAnfernee Hodgkins
Rondale fucking Moore ..?
Matt Prater
Christian Kirk

That Cardinals???

L - 83.72 (1-2) Bryan's Team

W - 97.94 (2-1) That's a Paddlin'

Oof. Looks like we got one of them Down Scoring Weeks™ since I'm seeing multiple winners with fewer than 100 points.

We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

I mean look at these losers. Yeah, that's right, I said they're both losers for scoring below the century mark. As far as I'm concerned this is my,

Shout-out to Juwan Johnson, you fuckin waste of a Tight End spot.

And I guess to Justin Herbert - I might be a little early, but I'm very excited to see how he absolutely buries any semblance of a legacy for Dan Fouts. Yes, he was great at QB within the Air Coryell system. A system that I think a few people think deserves a lot more recognition and respect.

I don't mind if people remember him for that or being the best Chargers QB (sorry, Felipe Rios) but please god get him away from announcing games. I just can't stand the dude for whatever reason.

So it will bring me great pleasure as Justin Herbert becomes such a great Chargers QB it'll magnify the recency bias that will also lift up Pip ol' River ol' Chap to the #2 spot.

Ipso facto, Dan Fouts becomes a shell of a man. A completely irrelevant husk of a human. He fades into the shadows.

W - 96.44 (3-0) Australian SteveIrwins

L - 77.72 (0-3) Fields Trip

Welp.

This matchup reminds me of a story about the time I saw Jason Long at a Whole Foods grocery store!

I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

L - 79.98 (1-2) Essential Twerkers

W - 91.10 (3-0) Everywhere Roll Tide

Hot diggity damn we got two undefeateds?? I gotta check the schedule to see if those Handsome Devils play each other anytime soon. Because that would be quite the forced media frenzy!

Speaking of the media, isn't he a really funny and clever guy?  I also agree!

Another week, another comment about Tom Brady seemingly isn't just stopping at Florida Man - he's truly transforming into some male Karen .. which has a name that I simply can not remember.

I can't believe he chose that photo.

But yeah, the matchup.

Good win,

It's always satisfying to eat that dub when you have core skill positions providing little more than squishy dog shit for production.

W - 110.62 (1-2) I'm Thinking' RBs

L - 61.02 (1-2) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Oh look. It's this matchup.

You know where I'd rather be and what I'd rather be doing than analyze this shit?

That's right,

But instead, here we are. I thank you for making it this far - don't worry, it's almost over.

Just like my season's chances. C'MON GUYS, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ALL HAVE TO GET INJURED?

AND WHY. JUST WHY DO I EXPECT ANYONE TO RESPECT MY FANTASY FOOTBALL PROWESS IF I HAVE THREE FUCKING PATRIOTS RUNNING BACKS ON MY ROSTER??.

Come on, Joe. Of all the teams to carry their three RBs.

And against this team??

Fin.

Great weekend fellas. Loved the hustle out there, I can tell everyone left it all out on the field. So I want everyone to come in, take a knee, remember some over-the-top sports metaphor that somebody far more important in your life than myself told you, and let's fucking rock this Week 4.

Take care everyone. Stay safe n shit, stay healthy n shit, and remember: don't trust anyone who doesn't wash their feet.