Yeezy come, Yeezy go

It's October Luckswing Time!

I hear that the month of October is supposedly the most important month of the year for Major League Baseball.

Until November, at least.

Why am I bringing up America's Pasttime in a column dedicated to Fantastical Football?

Well. Because it's my fucking column and I wanted to bring up a horribly curated list of baseball player & fan interactions after someone came and hugged Altuve.

I want an interaction with an Angel.

Pagan.

And if you think I can't connect this shit with the NFL, we _just had_ a situation a couple weeks ago when Bobby Wagner truck-sticks some flare-smokin dipshit (not a fan).

So what other fun ones are there? Well, there's probably dozens and dozens, and I'm *definitely* not going to put in the legwork to get them all. However, I'm a little bored, pretty baked, and I just cracked open a New England IPA, so I might as well work off the top-of-the-dome for some video searches.

Malace at the Palace

Patriots fans are the GOAT

You know what ...

[JOE: You know, I completely lost interest in this section because:]

DAAAA JANKEES LOSE!

HANG THE BANNER!

FUUUUUCK YOOOOUUUUUU YANKEES.

Give Judge his pinstripes for breaking the team homerun record. Then take them the fuck back because he had a single fucking hit in the entire ALCS. What a god damn loosah.

Also, I'm sure you've all heard about it, but let's all join together and laugh at the Yankees' complete failure.

Yoooo, what the fuck? The Yankees organization is officially god damn fucking *broken*. The Yankees are a fucking Institution. It doesn't matter if none of the active players on that roster have zero connection to that 2004 squad. They're the fucking same *organization*. Whether you were a Yankee from the 20s, 30s, 40s, etc.. all the way to present day, you had a fucking ring to connect you across that entire franchise's history (exception is Mattingly, who I guess won as a coach eventually).

It's fucking wild to me that people believe that Aaron Judge earned his pinstripes because of his homerun record. Sure, it's fucking cool to see it bested .. by one .. But it's still not what Yankees earn their pinstripes for. You gotta god damn bring it during the postseason. Even this bitter, salty, shithead of a Red Sox fan can appreciate and respect that growing up, after the hilarious and kinda campy and/or raunchy sports movies of the 80s and 90s, you had all those mother fucking Yankee movies from "back in the day" available.

And fuck you, of course I watched some of them. Who hasn't seen the Pride of the Yankees?

Jesus. Look at what that fucking franchise has made me do. I actually feel pity for the fucking Yankees. They've gotten spanked by the Astros so many fucking times - although I don't see what the issue is, in 2018 it wasn't that tough to put Houston down - so many fucking times that I feel like NYY fans just don't actually know how to process this type of futility. It's something they have no comprehension of.

MORE LOSER MEMERY

        Yankees 🤝 Mariners    
Getting swept by the Astros in 36 innings

Record breaking achievement: Yankees are now the only team in MLB history to lose five straight LCS appearances.

All right. That felt good.

Politricks Corner

Source

Big PP Energy

To continue flexing my ability to write about multiple sports in a single column, let's talk NBA.

And no, not any *active* NBA players (what, why would I? The season doesn't even start until something like Christmas, anyway).

Instead, I bring you The Truth.

When you look up, "living your best life" in the phrase-o-pedia, that above tweet better fucking be what's shown.

Girl Talk

I got no jokes, only praise.

source

Here's the replay. Good for Brockton, good for the team, good for the parents, and most definitely: good for her. That's fucking awesome to see.

I fuckin hate how confident this dude is

What the fuck do you even mean, Russell? Like, I get it. Wolverine has regenerative properties that ultimately make him fucking immortal in the Marvel comic and cinematic universes. It's really fucking cool, it makes for some insane debates and potential 1on1s, but like .. when you say shit like,

AND THEN DON'T FUCKING START THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST DRINK YOUR DUMB-AS-FUCK RECOVERY WATER.

And actually: what the fuck kind of name even _is_ that - like, anything you drink to hydrate yourself after strenuous activity is "recovery" liquid. I guess you could say I'm drinkin some recovery beers after all the chores I did Sunday morning,

What an asshole, jesus fucking christ. Dude shot his way out of Seattle, got exactly what he wanted in a landing spot with Denver, and now he's fucking cowering away while blaming a god damn hamstring. RUSSELL WILSON DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING RUN ANYMORE, HOW THE FUCK IS HE AGGRAVATING A PART OF HIS BODY THAT HE HASN'T ENGAGED SINCE THE 2015 SEASON???

FUCK.

QUICK MATHS

MATHS OVER.

Black Friday

What the fuck.

This is fucking horseshit.

First of all, the Thursday Night Game shouldn't fucking exist outside of god damn fucking Thanksgiving, The NFL Season Opener, and maybe one or two Thursday night games to show off the NFL's viewer influence.

But the fact that we have to fucking deal with fucking TNF games in perpetuity without the fucking NFL even trying to alleviate the issues that cause insanely poor quality matchups, pisses me the fuck off that a day about celebrating near unconsciousness after binging and gorging the day before now has a fucking football game involved.

I don't know about you guys, but that Friday was always the day I would build up my karma reserves with my (or Rachel's) family. Spending time with them. Maybe fuck around with some activities. Perhaps go for a hike, have a lunch out, take advantage of any unseasonably warm temperature, shit there was one year I took my sister shootin guns,,, there's so much familiy-oriented activity for the day to have it replaced with what will be the worst fucking quality matchup that November will see?

Fuck you jeff bezos. Fuckin smooth domed, smooth brained, mouth breathing, designer HGH taking, evil villain wannabe.

Get fucked. It's fucking embarrassing for you to flex your wallet when in reality, you're just another non-NFL-owner bitch.

NFL TIME

All right, enough of me blabbering on about what I assume pop culture is

Thursday Night Football Game

Yo. I do not have any recollection of who played.

Saints?

aaaaaand ... shit.

Thank god I don't get paid to do this.

Oh wait, it had this guy right?

BOROWNS @ Ravens

Things were lookin .. good? for the Browns to start. I had started a prestigous member of the Wolfpack in Briskett so I kinda had high hopes for a high scoring game that the BOROWNS would eventually lose (no free wins for Deshaun the Sexual Assaulter), but shit didn't really go that way. Don't get me wrong, Jacoby was nice and accurate with no turnovers but jesus fucks, them BOROWNS seemed like they just wanted to give this fucking game _away_.

Buccs @ Panthers

What the fuck? Tom came back, for this?? If you're getting a divorce, at least make sure you get the refs, Tawmmy.

I was so angry that this was the only other game available via broadcast, but it ended up being that dumpster fire of a car wreck that you just couldn't turn away from. Actually, that would be an insult to dumpster fire car wrecks, which surprisingly can retain a lot of value.

This game was more of a complete undressing of a squad filled with professionals.

And no, I'm not talking about Dancing Bear.

Like .. the Panthers don't have CMC anymore. Did Todd Bowels possibly forget about that minor detail?

If the Buccs own a panic button, I think now's the time to smash that motherfucker like it's the god damn antidote.

Falcons @ Bungles

Falcons potentially have,

Outstanding young receiving corps

• Potentially one of the better overall tight ends in the league

In the last four games, they've combined for 17 receptions.

And Sunday was National Tight End day.

For shame.

Compare that with the Bengals, who are fucking squeezing every last bit of ability from Mr. Burrow,

Joe Burrow is the youngest player in NFL history (25 years, 317 days) to have multiple games with at least 480 passing yards and 3 TDs. Previous record: Ben Roethlisberger (32 years, 238 days).

Man. What an absolutely, incredibly, talented, first name.

Loins @ Cowboys

Good fucking Lord, Detroit. Holy fucking shit. I just do not understand the psyche of a Lions fan. There is a coworker I have, he's a great guy, really smart, so many positives .. but he's a Lions fan.

Detroit absolutely fucked themselves over so badly. Just incrediballs. I guess most discussion about them will start to involve who they're taking with the first overall pick.

Since I don't really give enough shits to talk about Dallas, I'll share a personal favorite Lions meme,

Did you know: JFK has only missed one Detroit Lions playoff win?

NY Football Giants @ Duvall

I'm absolutely terrified of the second coming of Eli Manning. The one who will deliver and fulfill the 3LI prophecies.

What an absolutely batshit win by the Giants. They're 6-1, with a rookie coach, danny boy, and of course the quadfather.. oh wait, having a dominant running back makes sense. What an awful joke I attempted.

Lolts @ Titans

Titans grabs a fifth straight win over the Colts. And like,, this game was a shitshow. Congrats to the Titans. Kings of Shit Mountain.

I guess this means that Ballard and ~Fourth~ Frank Reich are gettin fired? Yeah, let's go with that.

Oh. And Matty Ice is done-zo.

Packers @ Commodes

Looks like Washington finally got the memo about the NFC BEast.

And damn, fuckin Packers. They lost all right. And next week they have the Bills. No amount of microdosing your farts can get you out of this, Rodgers.

J-E-T-S @ BONROCS

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT, YOU DON'T LIKE BIG TEN FOOTBALL!

Terrifying ugly win. Sure, it's always great to see the Broncos suffer a bad loss, but at what cost. Fuck. Losing Breece blows. I feel for the kid.

Oh. And they lost Alijah Vera-Tucker. Holy fucking attrition, Bat Boy.

Texans @ Daaaaa RRRRRrrrraaaaaiiiidurs

Josh Jacobs.

Sea-tl @ Charge

I think it's time to call it:

Chargers have been deemed, Most Overrated Team for the millionth fucking season in a row.

Of all the treasured traditions of the NFL, crowning the Chargers are preseason Super Bowl favorites is possibly one of the most under appreciated. The consistency in that franchise, despite them moving area codes, is truly something to draw inspiration from.

Chefs @ 49IRs

Welcome to the San Francisco, CMC! Hold that L.

This KC team is fucking terrifying. I'm so glad that Brady was able to dominate Mahomes early in Patrick's career when people had the best chacne.

Steeeeers @ Phish (not mammals)

Kind of like when you have Breakfast for dinner, it was kind of neat to get a Thursday Night Game on Sunday Night.

Big fan of Miami's gameplan. I feel like I modeled my high school career in the same way:

Consistently make horrible decisions with no consequences, and still pass.

Brrrs @ Greatriots

I can't fuckin believe that Belichick substituted Zappe in for Mac. Like, I'm in complete and utter fuckin _shock_. It seems like such an un-Bill thing to do unless Mac was legitimately playing like a complete meth-head out there.

Probably needs some more of that magic dust Brady has hidden in the locker room.

But seriously-ish: What the fuck is Bill going to do about Mac vs. Zappe. As much as I love his energy and ball placement, Zappe Hour reminds me of Minshew Mania. I really hope I'm wrong about it, but there's no way that the dude has a higher ceiling than Mac. In Belichick I Trust, but I'm a little shaky at the moment.

Weekly Recaps

L - 83.92 (4-3) Everywhere Roll Tide

W - 91.56 (4-3) It's a Tide Ad

If the current total holds - and I don't see Damien Harris getting any more fuckin points - then it'll be a god damn 0.26 point win. Holy razer thin margins.

Good Lord, you have Gibson on your bench? COME ON, MAN. YOU GOT THIS.

But yeah, what a fuckin crazy wild win. Incredible duo with Mahomes and JuJu.

Now, if a running back happened to gain a few more yards then I'd be lauding the .. uhhh .. perseverence despite Marcus Mariota.

YOOOOOOO. What the fuck happened. For some reason my ESPN Fantasy shit crapped out because at one point it was a close-as-fuck game with Everywhere Roll Tide winning, and then the next thing I see is a shite load more .. and I have no fucking clue who it came from. Impressive shit. Maybe Najee and Hill.

Yeah so, way to persevere despite Marcus Mariota.

L - 54.06 (4-3) The Koi Pond

W - 71.86 (2-5) Deep Tissue Illuminati

KOI POND. BROOO. ANOTHER LAWSS?? DEEWWWWWD MAAAHHHHNN.

What is happening over there? Goose-eggs. Just dabbles of points. That said, I can't really argue against your running back decisions. Who am I to fuckin say that one should bench CMC and fuckin Kamara.

Damn. Dude fuckin survived the bye-week after scoring 70 points. Wild shit, well fucking done Mr Illuminati.

L - 91.1 (1-6) That's a Paddlin'

W - 96.32 (4-3) Australian SteveIrwins

Yo. What the fuck. Another one of these kind of matchups? A difference of like .. nothing.

Stop doing this shit to me. I want to write this shit before MNF ends.

Ahh. OK. It's over, and SteveIrwins take the win!

Fuckin somehow. Jesus fucking hell dude, you start a tight end on his bye and you got blasted in the ass by James Conner deciding to terminate his fantasy potential.

Thankfully, That's a Paddlin' can always comfort themselves in the only way at least I know how:

So .... yeah.

W - 106.54 (5-2) I'm Thinkin' RBs

L - 83.48 (2-5) Sunstroke Serenaders

Here we go. This shit was over on fuckin Sunday. I appreciate it, RBs.

So like, Joe Burrow is pretty fucking rad. Actually, he's so rad that dudes like Corey Davis can score nothing. And Kyle Pitts can basically do his best impression of nothing.

OK, maybe throw in a 19.6 from Aaron Jones and fuckin 19.0 from the motherfucking Cowboys, and holy fuckin balls: you beatin' everyone this week [EDIT: EXCEPT MEEEEEEE].

Good shit.

If Sunstroke wants something positive: Daniel Jones is a legitimate fantastical football QB. Dude knows how to play and how to fucking STACK DEM POINTS.

W - 89.06 (4-3) San Diego Loud-N-Stroud

L - 82.48 (4-3) The Super Wicked Problems

OH SHIT. SAN DIEGO LOUD-N-STROUD COMIN IN WITH THE UPSET AND JUST ADDING TO THE SUPER WICKED PROBLEMS.

This is the kind of shit that you'll just take to your grave: DJ Moore over Pittman Jr would have won the game.

But I guess, to beee faiirrrr, Them Loud-N-Strouds could easily have started Justin Fields over Aaron. And if he did that, youlda been absolutely butt smashed in the butt.

Gaht damn. We gettin a log jam at 4-3 I think, right? Right? Can I get a stat check?

W - 107.8 (7-0) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian.

L - 77.04 (1-6) Ogdenville Outlet Mallers

Despite perhaps the greatest of all names.

But unlike the magnificient-quality items you can purchase at aforementioned outlet mall,

The name change comes with a heavy price.

Mostly a 30 point loss.

It really came down to Llamar just kinda shitting the bed, and that motherfucker Josh god damn mother fuckin Jacobs fucker who went ahead and did all of the god damn fuckin work for me.

Now, pardon my language but holy titty fuckin christ. Also, I'm super psyched about picking up that Dolphins defense. Really paid the fuck off there.

Fuckin rad to score the most points in a week.

Feels Goodman.

POWAH RANKING

Loki

1. Shelbyville Shelbyvillian (7-0)

Wandavision

2. I'm Thinking RBs (5-2)

Them RBs didn't come to play school, they came to feast.

She-Hulk

3. San Diego Loud-N-Stroud (4-3)

Three fuckin wins in a row puts you at the top of shit heap.

4. It's a Tide Ad (4-3)

Two fuckin wins in a row puts you kinda sorta near the top of shit heap.

5. Australian SteveIrwins (4-3)

One win in a row. You are one of the other nine 4-3 teams.

What If

6. Everywhere Roll Tide (4-3)

Oh my God. Another fucking 4-3 team. You may have had a loss, but your Pts For keeps you on top.

7. The Koi Pond (4-3)

The losing really has to stop. You jumped out the gates like a fucking rocket on a jetski but have since stumbled.

Moon Knight

8. The Super Wicked Problems (4-3)

Over .500 and a thoroughly entertaining Disney+ show.

Ms. Marvel

9. Deep Tissue Illuminati (2-5)

You better hope to extend that win-streak if you want meaning from your fantasy season.

10. Sunstroke Serenaders (2-5)

Sure you have a three-game losing streak, but it's only tied for second worst.

11. Ogdenville Outlet Mallers (1-6)

And this is the guy who the Serenaders is tied with: the three-game losing streak really has to end (protip).

Falcon and the Winter Soldier

12. That's a Paddlin' (1-6)

And this guy hasn't seen the light of day since the end of week one. A six-game losing streak fuckin suuuucks, bro.

Fin.

Welp. There we have it. As we make our way quickly towards Halloween, I hope everyone of you and your wee ones have all their shit together as far as costumes go. Nothing worse than last minute costume shopping because that's how you end up going as .. well .. think of that time you had to go out in slippers, a guitar hero guitar, a monocle, a bathrobe, and called yourself some fucking dipshit name or something I don't know.

Just think of that.

Outside of whatever the fuck that was, I hope anyone trying to shoehorn any fun bullshit in this final weekend of October gets to check out some cool as fuck colors of leaves. Much love and good luck with the waiver wire.

Also fuck off, I'm undefeated and really kinda want to continue.

Take care out there.