Welcome Guys, Gals, and Non-Binary Pals!

Writing this from work ain't so bad - but it gets harder and harder to convince managers walking by that the memery on my computer is absolutely essential to keeping casino dot draftkings dot com up and running smoothly.

Something like that.

Why am I writing this from work? Because I'm on-call for the casino web product at the company I work for, and we gotta make sure shit is in tip-top shape! It's pretty fuckin fun, to be frank. It's fucking exhausting, especially Sunday's marathon from 10am to after midnight. But hey, they take pretty good care of us, we got some sweet swag, we got fed, and we had all sorts of fucking rad dashboards to watch.

Hah, that's actually my setup - on the top right is my actual notebook where I tried jotting shit down about each game.

I'm fairly sure that's about all I can say before I start to require NDAs to be signed. So yeah, hope everyone who plays, enjoys their online gambling. And for people who don't use my company, I hope when you're building your next LEGO set, and you get to the part where you have to put a sticker on a block, you miss-align it just enough that you have to try picking the sticker back off, but it was too stuck on so you kinda ruin the stickiness of that sticker, and you totally don't end up putting it on straight anyway. So now you have a misaligned sticker where a corner will start unpeeling any day now.

Be thankful that I am a merciful God.

Getting back to whatever I should be talking about, thankfully, I've given myself absolutely zero fucking preseason reps so if my spelling and/or grammar is a complete fuckin dumpster fire, it's not my fault. All fingers may be pointed directly at the front office.

Speaking of offseason, I just wanted to brag about a couple of acquisitions over the summer: I am a proud owner of a house and a wife. I couldn't be prouder of myself for finding a human woman capable of tolerating me for extended periods of time. From standing my farts to holding me when I cry from that fucking miracle performance on Monday Night football last season, I truly am blessed (major 🔑).

I definitely am very interested in this whole originalist concept of land owners are the only ones who can vote. I find this actually quite useful in that it serves as a very important motivating tool: you come to terms with the fact that we're like .. all fucked, man.

[sobs loudly and wetly]

So yeah. House! Wife! Hooray! \o/

Gems

Load up everyone,

NOW LET'S GO

Bills @ Rams

First game of the season, and it was such a sloppy pile of wet baby shit.

Sure, the Bills looked like World beaters, but the fuck does that mean after week one? Congrats, you have at least one win for the 2022 regular season.

But at least they ain't the Rams. Holy shite, what a dumpster fire during your ring ceremony game.

I should have more for this one. But I don't.

Oh wait!

Hah.

Pats @ Miami

I watched like 4 cumulative minutes of this game since I was at work, and I feel like I got the gist of just how fucking terrible the Patriots were.

The only way the Patriots did anything was via tactical barrel roll. Unfortunately, due to laziness and complete digital control, highlights of stuff is fucking impossible to find.

Fuckin Tuanon truthers are out in force for their QB today. Or wait, yesterday. No wait, day before yesterday.

Hopefully I released this on Tuesday.

[Edit: He did not.]

Saints @ Falcons

Just go look at some previous Falcons matchup recap. The fuckers squandered away yet another sure-fire win. Incredible shit.

I went ahead and made the following:

There's no reason for me to believe we have any Falcons fans in the league, but I think we all understand completely just how absolutely historic the Atlanta Falcons are at squandering sure-fire wins. For grasping a loss from the jaws of victory.

Browns @ Pound Kitties

Browns got away with fuckin robbery. I guess it pays to have an aggressive and violent sexual predator quarterbacking your team (run Jacoby, you're too pure for this fuckfaced franchise).

Item 3. Stopping Clock. A player under center is permitted to stop the game clock legally to save time if, immediately upon receiving the snap, he begins a continuous throwing motion and throws the ball directly into the ground.

Item 4. Delayed Spike. A passer, after delaying his passing action for strategic purposes, is prohibited from throwing the ball to the ground in front of him, even though he is under no pressure from defensive rusher(s).

source: https://operations.nfl.com/the-rules/nfl-video-rulebook/intentional-grounding

9ers @ Brrs

What a sloppy, wet, and wild field this was played on. And to think, they'll have 7 .. no wait, 8? Fuck, in a 17 game season, how the fuck does everyone play the same amount of home games? That's fucked.

Stillers @ Bungles

From what I've read, this was basically a Steelers/Bengals game from the 2010s but on prozac. It was just as intense, but with zero sexual energy whatsoever.

Iggles @ Lions

Fuck. Wanted Lions to win.

Lolts @ Texans

Colts won, but everyone lost because Wentz still has a starting job.

Ravens @ Jets

Llamar is good.

Jets are not.

Jags @ Commies

No wait, Wentz is on Washington, rigth? Fuck, I probably should have studied for this NFL season.

Oh right,

Gints @ Titles

oh my god, there's more games to go over?

Yeah, I gotta be honest, I ain't got shit for this.

Zona vs Chefs at Zona?

Please, stop. I can't do this. I'm f ucking exhausted.

Raiders @ Charge

Fuckin Chargers.

no wait, fuckin Raiders.

Oh. It's both.

Pack @ Vike

Kirk has a winning record against Rodgers. I think. I'm pretty sure it's not just against Green Bay, but against Rodgers.

Ahhh. Who fucking cares.

Buccos @ Boyos

Mr. Plastic didn't do too badly quarterbacking Tampa Bay, and really he barely had to do anything given how absolutely horrific the cowboys played.

Land donkeys vs. Seadonkeys

Genius Smith doing his best out there actually has .. the Seahawks fucking winning going into the fourth quarter? The fuck is happening?

This is great! Broncos can't help but embarrass themselves and I'm here for it - all the way to the very end. What the fuck was that? A 64-yard attempt?? Does Rhule not Rhemember they have Rhussel Wilson??

Week One Matchup

L - 69.66 (0-1) Alamo Placita Buckeyes

W - 100.46 (1-0) The Super Wicked Problems ???

Welp. Unless there are some drastic rule changes soon, we still don't get any fantasy points (handicapped or otherwise) for having totally fuckin rad Team Names. So while I love the Alamo Placita Buckeyes moniker, you gotta score at least 70 (nice + 1) points to legitimately have a chance at winnering.

So yeah. Gonna need to majorly bump those numbers up. Follow the well-paid Christian Kirk's example of outscoring the projection!

Speaking of Kirk, I find it interesting that The Super Wicked Problems has two of the same fuckin quarterback on the team.

Who wore mediocrity better?

Sucks to lose your Dak, but Kirk and his tinfoil-grilling ass will step up just fine.

W - 106.66 (1-0) Australian SteveIrwins

L - 88.32 (0-1) I'm Thinkin' RBs

Well shit.

Michael Thomas status: BACK

A couple different roster moves and them fuckin' RBs would be feasting over those SteveIrwins.

But instead, that Aussie just marches on following his hot-as-fuck winning pace from last season. Hold onto your subaru outbacks, with the highest-scoring team for the week despite him not using the most optimal lineup, this dude's gonna kanga some roos. Cunt.

Why yes, I have been practicing my Australian. Thank you!

PS. Kareem Hunt is pretty good n shit

L - 79.22 (0-1) Deep Tissue Illuminati

W - 83.9 (1-0) That's a Paddlin'

Cam Akers fucked over so many fucking teams this week one. Obviously, this is nothing personal, I'm sure he's still a much better running back than myself. Howevah, did anyone expect the complete goose-egg this guy laid? 0.0 fuckin points when some shitbag like Devin Singletary could have put the illuminade in the win column.

Wait,

put the illuminade in the win column

What the fuck is the column that I'm referencing here? Do I even have this phrase correct? Aren't I adding +1 to whatever happens to be in the win column? Like .. the total tally is occupying any room in the win column.

Isn't what dictates which team name is in which column the home/away nature?? Like, the right column is always the home team, regardless of whether they win or lose.

Man. What the fuck is this stupid language? Shit makes no sense, and yeah sure we don't have to worry about masculine vs. feminine shit, but the amount of exceptions there exists as to what a phrase might mean, or how you communicate it with written word is fucking mind blowing.

Take me for example. I'm just some dipshit engineer who barely is able to muster up a point in 280 characters. Most of the time I start on one topic, possibly move to a second, but ultimately am constantly distracted by some teeny tiny fucking detail. I continue on and anyone who wanted to have any semblance of an informative journey through my writing ends up getting their face smeared with word diahrrea.

In conclusion, I think that any multipack of food should only ever be sold in odd amounts.

(s/o to the great team name, i love inside jokes and hope to be part of one some day)

L - 71.9 (0-1) It's a Tide Ad

W - 95.78 (1-0) The Koi Pond

Yooo. Koi Pond fucked some shit up thanks to Josh n Co.

This Josh Allen guy is so fucking good. I guess I'll admit (and I confess it's very big of me to do so) that I'm starting to believe the Patriots dominance of the AFC East is most likely coming to a conclusion, and it sucks that we're going to absolutely get our shit pushed in by this Buffalo team, but if it's this dude,

He can push me in all he wants with those big daddy arms 😰💦

ok ok maybe I should take a quick break

Anyway, back to the matchup n shit.

What the fuck - how'd this Koi Pond mother fucker get Allen and McCaffrey?? I know that he got fucked up by an injury last season but that's still an extremely fuckin talented dude. Holy fuckin' shit. There's some incredible potential for wins wins and more wins.

Oh man, you better fucking Tide Ad your ass into a transaction to get yourself a Quarterback. Stat Padford is broken and - I'll try not to be too reactionary after just one game - you may have to take drastic measures and trade away your best talent to shore up a backup quarterback position because Matt Fratford may die this season.

W - 94.9 (1-0) San Diego Loud-n-Stroud

L - 91.8 (0-1) Everywhere Roll Tide

Daaaaaang. I'm in a few leagues, and I don't want to be a big, throbbing, veiny, sweaty, circumcised dick n balls but this may be the first spot where I seen Mahomes on the losing team.

Of course, we're not like the other leagues.

No. I'm totally fuckin serious. Our scoring is unbelievably unforgiving. I'm not sure if I've rambled on about this before, but I fucking love how hard it is to score over 100 points. Shit, it's fucking hard as hell to get over 90. It's nothing that severe, but when it's all combined, it makes for such a fucking slugfest.

In some weird fucking way, it helps with parity .. unless you're some dumbass dipshit like myself and can't fucking make an intelligent roster move to save your life.

But enough about me, this is about the rarity of Mahomes losing.

No wait. I should probably talk about the winner in some way:

Rodgers' attempts at building an immunization by microdosing may work for covid, but it won't for your turnover problem - you fuckin fuck.

Also, Justin Jefferson ain't no airplane

HE A FUCKING WAGON

Of course that's the only way to beat a Patrick Performance: A Justin Time.

(Another top new name - and as league rules mandate, if I don't get it at first, I assume it's Buckeye related. After a google search .. well .. you know 😎👉👉)

L - 73.32 (0-1) Sunstroke Serenaders

W - 89.42 (1-0) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Fuckin' rad.

I won! I FUCKING WON.

And boy am I fuckin psyched to have ... ahh fuck .. zero point zero fucking tight ends. Welp. I gotta figure something the fuck out.

As consolation, I got two fuckin Qubes, and a Devante Adams. And jesus fuckin hell, Eagles gave up 35 fucking points and yet they still scored 5 points. H*ck yeah.

Sunstroke Serenaders. I applaud your name. I raised both eyebrows and blew enough air out of my nose that I tilted my head back. Absolutely outstanding stuff.

Great showing by Jalen, shame it didn't Hurt. I'm really just a survivor of a matchup where the optimal lineup was busted up by the bench. Thank goodness no one is taking any sort of risk for week one of the season. I have my fullest faith in the PROJ numbers during the early part of the season because fuck if I have some sort of system or process to determine how good a player is. Jesus.

I can't win a game after October 31st .. which is coincidentally the same time I start going away from using the PROJ numbers!

🤔🤔🤔🤔
🤔
🤔    Hmmmmmm.
🤔

Fin.

All right everyone. Week one is done. I hope you all don't mind me narrating another season, it was a lot of fun last year and the fuck - with all the change in my life, it's nice to keep some consistency.

What's going on, you ask? Oh, well I don't want to bore you with the details.

You still want to know? OK, OK, if you're going to twist my arm - ahhaahah, don't tickle me like that. You're being ridiculous:

I married my girlfriend in the offseason. Fuckin proposed in the spring and married her in August. I had a handful of league members, and had the Commissioner as the Best Man - so if I don't get any favoritism this season, imma be pissed.

Anyway, have a great week two everyone. Much love, stay safe, and let's fuckin get it.