What a horse-shit of a Sunday of National Football League NFL League Games.

Like. It was so fucking terrible I can't believe it. We had six fuckin teams on bye. And then we had maybe one close matchup.

Really the only real exciting thing was ahhhh .. the Bengals? Really?

This stupid fucking 17-game schedule. That's really who we should all be upset at. Instead of just stretching the season out to 18 weeks and giving teams two byes, we get one more brutally violent game that's totally going to be reserved for international play.

And if Goodell gets his wish, I wouldn't doubt that every team will end up playing an international game every freakin' season. Of course, I have literally zero evidence of this, but I have something much more important: a website where I can publish content that intelligent, savvy, financially secure, sexy individuals like yourselves can come and read.

Best of all, if anyone wants to give me an anonymous tip that's entirely fabricated, I have no problem relaying it back to the public because everyone has a right to know. Even if it's completely and utterly fiction.

I mean, people love fiction, right?

So let's fucking do it!

Let's pre-reserve tickets to the Patriots/Texans game in Warsaw that's coming in 2031! I think if people just transfer me .. ohhh, let's say .. $1,000 I'll guarantee you a ticket to the eventual European NFL game in Poland.

Manning Night Football

AHHHHH YOU FUCKER ELI

YOU GOD DAMN CHEEKY MOTHER FUCKER.

Oh wait, there's more

Did Peyton Fucking Manning admit to god damn manipulating footballs on Manning Night Football?? The internet has seemingly been scrubbed.

I NEED THIS.

Feedin' tiem

What's cookin' for Joe for week 7?

That's right, some fuckin' lamb chops. Lamb lollypops? Whatever. They're fucking delicious.

https://www.justtherecipe.com/?url=https://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/rosemary_crusted_lamb_chops/

I ain't got much to add other than it's fuckin wonderful. And that I've gone down to 2mins30seconds on the first face and then 2mins15seconds on the second face, then maybe 2 total minutes searing the sides - then only 3 minutes in the oven.

Shit's rarer than a unicorn burger grilled on moon rocks.

Baseball

Go Barves.

Get fucked, Astros and Yankees.

THAT'S RIGHT YOU FUCKERS. YOU'RE NOTHING, ASTROS. NOTHING.

WHO THE HELL GOES 2-8 AT HOME IN THE WORLD SERIES?

SHIT, WHO EVEN LOSES WORLD SERIES GAMES THIS MILLENNIUM? GOD DAMN ASSHOLE LOSERS.

Fascinating!

TNF

Browns vs Denver

Browns only had three fully healthy starters and still whooped the Donkeys who I guess just ain't got no more winless teams to beat up on.

Sorry, not much from the Department of Memes Dept.

Early Games

KC vs. Remember the Tittans

Media: You simply can not win MVP without being a Quarterback.
Derrick Henry:

He is definitely that guy.

KC. What the fuck was that? Didn't even score a fuckin touchdown. Defense got eviscerated. Crazy. Fuckin sucks for all you Mahomes&Tyreek owners out there.

Pats vs Jets

Ahh yes, the second annual It's OK, You Can Just Watch Red Zone game of the season. It was nice when the Bills were a part of that group but you can't win 'em all I suppose.

Tough game for the Elf under center for the Jets. I think he hurt his PCL maybe? Could be out a little bit. Let's see Cam Newton get signed there.

Great shit from the Greatriots. If I'm being brutally honest: I am a fan of the Mac Jones draft pick. Yes. Some would call me a hero, but not me - I'm just here speaking words but not really because no one is listening, you're actually reading this.

Panthers vs Giants

This fucking game..

For fuck's sakes, the score was 3-5 for way too fucking long without there being some fierce Act of God® taking place on the field. It's the fucking wackiest thing that despite me watching Red Zone, I kept getting assaulted with the graphic images from that shitfest.

For shame, Red Zone. I watch you for awesome plays on offense and defense, not for any displays of shittery by the bottom of the barrel of the league.

And to be frank, with how long that score held the whole affair was ultimately ruined by the fact that it didn't end with that Baseball-esque outcome.

Late Games

WFT vs. Parkers

Holy shit. Those jerseys were straight 🔥🔥🔥

I don't care if those Packer unis were fake throwbacks, they looked really fuckin nice. Especially with the throwback Washington Football Team uniforms.

Anyway, A-A-RON really is just dad dickin' the league whenever he wants, huh?

Failcons vs. [Fuck you] Dolphin

Yo.

So like.

Is Flores good or fucking what?

Because it kinda sorta seems like the Belichick double-agent theory might finally be kickin' in for Brian down in Miami.

The final piece might be trading for DeShaun Watson because he'd:

• Ensure that Tua's self-confidence is weakened to the point of no return
• Trade away the future (it will cost at least three first-round picks)
• Have a superduper mega ultra star at QB that is suspended indefinitely
• Absolutely decimate the integrity and reputation of the Dolphins

After which point, Mr. Flores will be welcomed back to the Patriots organization with open arms.

Oh right. A game happened n shit.

Bengals vs. Ravens

Best fuckin game of the week. Sorry all you Ravens fans out there (hehe not really), but the fucking Bengals are makin a run for that AFC North crown. With the Steelers dealing with Eggs Benedict Wafflesburger and the Browns ,,, a win over the Ravens and god damn, the division - no - the fucking AFC number one seed would be controlled by Cincy.

Happier than a sale on Skyline Chili orders that come with free toilet paper.

Oooo, looks like we have a new update to an old classic:

Lions n Rams

Good fucking God, Lions. You're going to fucking kill your fans this season, aren't you? You're going 0-17 in the first fucking season of its existence, aren't you??

Eagles n Raiders

Carr was fuckin wild this game: 31/34 for 322 yards. 2 tiddees. Pretty great.

Tejans vs. Cardiñals

Read some bits about how much it can suck to be a player that's part of some package for a big-name player. How everyone expects you to fucking perform to feel better about losing such a beloved player.

So with this matchup of DeAnfernee Hodgkins playing against his old team, David Johnson is feeling more pressure than a Houston-area masseuse.

Brrs vs. Bccs

Welp.

It's the week of the Monkey Paw

Fuckin hell man. God fuckin damn hell man. What a fucking blowout. Poor Justin Fields is just getting slapped up and down the fucking field.

It’s easy to blame Nagy and even Pace, but ultimately the buck stops with ownership. Aaron Rodgers needs to clean house and bring in people who know how to win.

Lolts vs. 69ers (hehe)

Yeah. I'm gonna watch Succession instead.. and then completely forget that the game was on. I guess it was pretty good? Whoops.

Do I care? FUCK NO.

Saints @ Seahawks

HOT DAMN.

This came across as a close game, one filled with some action ... but yeah, I think if you had missed this game entirely, all you had to do was look at one stat comparison to understand:

Saints WRs: 4-43-0
Kamara: 10-128-1

Oh. And Geno Smith started a Prime time game.

RECAPS!!

W - 91.12 (4-3) That's a Paddlin'

L - 70.24 (6-1) Everywhere Roll Tide

GOD DAMN IT PADDLIN'

LOOK AT WHAT YOU GONE DONE AND DID. JUST LET FUCKING EVERYWHERE ROLL TIDE WIN AND WE'D GET OUR FUCKING RAD BATTLE OF THE UNBEATENS.

HAVEN'T YOU BEEN PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO ANY OF THE NEWSLETTERS??

Welp.

It had to happen eventually, and I guess it was week 7.

If I had to point my finger at anything, it'd be 14.44 points from Tyreek n Mahomes .. and my other 9 fingers at each of That's a Paddlin's starting players because they scored more points than the other team.

L - 85.54 (3-4) The Koi Pond

W - 114.54 (7-0) Australian SteveIrwins

Byre Fest 2021 is starting to rear its ugly head in our league. The Koi Pond doing his best and carrying two D/STs's, the fucking mad man.

Although Australian SteveIrwins does an honorable job at keeping it fair by entrusting a starting position to DeSean jackson. Noble. Very noble.

Ultimately, the undefeated stays .. well, undefeated.

And next week, we gettin a 7-0 vs. 6-1 and I'm fucking hard.

L - 102.04 (3-4) The Super Wicked Problems

W - 131.08 (3-4) I'm Thinkin' RBs

Well that was quite the showing by them RBs - with some of the lower outputs actually coming from those aforementioned RBs.

So what, is this a two-game win-streak for the RBs? I should remember if they won last week, and it's really fucking simple to check but I'm just gonna go with it for the sake of more words being typed.

This team's got a fuck ton of talent. Pretty fuckin impressive.

Oh, and The Super Wicked Problems, you confuse me. You use the word "wicked" but started the Jets D/ST against the Patriots.

L - 90.68 (3-4) San Diego Super Marios

W - 120.84 (4-3) Bryan's Team

Despite the +13.0 point advantage at D/ST, The San Diego Not So Super Marios didn't quite fuckin make it. 120 points is a lot, and even if somehow Statthew Padford somehow got onto the starting lineup, he's still lose.

So yeah, Bryan's Team, which should probably be Joe's Team with how many awesome players you have that share the righteous first name.

W - 92.86 (2-5) Essential Twerkers

L - 80.04 (4-3) New Baby Daddy

Well shit, congratulations on grabbing that jewel in D'Ernest. Fuck, I'm so jealous, you fucker. Literally. You have.

Speaking of which, looks like you got got by Byre Fest 2021 - fuck man, your whole bench got nothing but zeroes. Absolutely fucking brutal.

Are there any other phrases I overuse that I could fill up a third paragraph with? Fuck, I couldn't think of a third for the previous game, and this one at least has a shit load of byes, there's gotta be something.

Oh.

W - 94.2 (3-4) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

L - 80.42 (0-7) Herman Citizen Cain

Just a fucking champion of a Team Name. It breaks my heart that ESPN doesn't keep a running history of team name changes. It truly has been incredible watching this team throughout the weeks.

I can't say enough about how happy I am to be provided this type of quality roster to watch week in, and week out. To witness actual history when the first online fantasy football team gets relegated will truly be a sight to see. I doubt ESPN even has that feature built in yet, but they will have to for 2022.

Something to note: I had to depend on fuckin Odell Beckham Jr. Do people still give a shit about this guy? Why the fuck is he not good anymore? What the fuck?

Fin.

Welp. That's it for week 7.

I hope everyone has a fuckin blast for Halloween. You all have your candy, your outfits picked out, any relevant kids have their shit together, and you have some toy wagon to pull around that fits a cooler filled with maybe a 12-pack of nice beer. Enjoy getting loaded and operating a wagon while walking with your kid for Halloween.

And if you ain't doing that, have a great weekend anyway you miserable fuck.