Vote or Die

Snyder selling team?

I hope you read about this elsewhere because I ain't got shit for you all this week as far as extra bullshit.

Which might be a godsend for some, a sad state for others.

Rage Against the Machine

I found these bootleg videos that I can't stop fuckin watching. Since I have a much larger opportunity to spread awareness to the random bullshit that I specifically enjoy, I'm going to jump at the chance to share:

All of them are just outstanding performances. They just pour out energy and I love it all so very, very much. Couldn't be more proud to say that I got the opportunity to see them perform twice.

NFL

Well slap my nuts and call me a bad word, YouTube TV has RedZone available for free today! Oh me, oh my what a glorious little option to have. I want to thank the Patriots for absolutely bitch slapping the Colts (as always) around so I could turn away

Philly @ Houston

The worst World Series game featuring these two cities was significantly more entertaining than this TNF snoozefest.

Since this is tangentially related to Baseball, I'll just remind everyone about:

• Momentum in baseball lasts until the next starting pitcher
• How can you not be romantic about baseball?

I don't care if the Astrisks won it all. It was a really fuckin fun World Series that made me feel like I was being shaken violently .. and I ended up walking away with an erection, discovering something new and exciting about myself.

Peace out baseball. Time for the seamheads to eat some ass and hibernate.

LAClippers @ ATLIENS

Herbert was not going to let the Chargers lose.

And unsurprisingly, the Falcons wouldn't either.

The Falcons week-to-week performances remind me of the movie documentary classic, The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down (or Speed, for all you snobs):

If they ever go too far above or below .500 then the ghost of General Sherman will return to burn down the entire state of Georgia, and then give the Falcons stadium a Coca-Cola enema through it's decepticon butthole roof.

M.I.A. @ Chitown

Easily the best Bears victory in years.

This fucking Justin Fields guy. Looks like the Bears finally got that guy that's got that dawg in 'em. Absolutely wild that there really wasn't much for "bursts of greatness" by Fields in each game. The highlights really seemed super few and far apart from one another.

And then Mr. Fields was baptized by the greatest to ever walk the sidelines.

After surviving the hellfire. After looking into the face of Palpatine's and Satan's lovechild, William Belichick and return alive.

Justin Fields got that dawg in 'em.

Pound Kitties @ Who Dey

It's Who Dey, right? I'm pretty fuckin sure that Who Dat are the Saints. So yeah, I'm trying to be clever and may have fucked it up. Oh no, why am I typing this? No no, football now

Joe Mixon.

Shooter McPherson still looks shaky tho.

PACKPACKPACK @ Loins

They called it a "get right game". Turned out to be a get right fucked game.

Rodgers just kinda shatted all over hisself.

The Lions seriously suck ass. Sure they started out hot and fun like a drunken gropefest. But eventually the Spin Reaper comes and someone pukes in the mouth of the other, you all know how it goes.

What I'm trying to get at is that the Lions just aren't that good - so for them to pick of Rodgers like three times in the god damn red zone is fuckin nutso. Enjoy your early Christmas, Lions fan(s).

Probably should have held onto Adams.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrraiders @ Duval

McDaniels fuckin suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

Lolts @ Greatriots

Defense + kicker = win.

Colts are so fuckin bad. The Pats offensive line is a bunch of sticks, pillows, and peanut butter all duct taped together, and somehow they kept shit together well enough for it all work out just enough.

Ehlinger fuckin blows though. God damn that was fun to watch. Nine god damn sacks.

But Mac Jones may actually have something wrong with him.

And that something is named Matt Patricia. Sure he's some sort of rocket engineer or some bullshit, but who the fuck cares? He's an NFL coordinator. The fuck he gonna build rockets for? How about you devise a fucking offensive playcall that takes advantage of the few things Mac can do well. It's like he cobbles some bullshit together and then copies half of the Raiders' previous gameplan.

C'mon Bill (under his eye). Fix this shit.

Bill's @ Jest

There is a new coin of destiny:

Vikings @ Football Team

A really fun matchup between the Tinfoil Griller, Mr. "You like that?" himself: Kirkelodeon leading one team, and Taylor "the love child of Heineken and Meineke" Heinicke.

I have to give both teams credit, they proved the doubters wrong and actually played a game worth putting on Red Zone today - with the following absolutely ridiculous reception in traffic:

Some would blame the ref, but that just meant it was a 2.25 on 1 coverage situation. As in: that motherfucker Samuel shoudln't have come away with that fucking ball.

Speaking of gameplay, how about them WFT Unis?? Holy fucking sex, they are absolutely beautiful. Give me more quality aesthetics, please.

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Now that's what I'm talkin about!

Rainy City Bitch Pigeons @ Cards

Ditch Russell Wilson and proceed to kick some fuckin NFC West ass. "Let" Geno Smith is 6-3. What a way to rebuild.

We truly are experiencing the Genaissance. Pete Carroll is displaying some incredibly Genovative game planning and play calling to have this fuckin Seadonkey team leading their division.

Have I mentioned they traded their franchise Quarterback before the season?

Ramses @ Tampa Brady

Tom Brady press conference talking about the game:

Oh. No wait. Let me get the actual press conference:

Tom better enjoy this win as much as he can because he's gotta travel over to Germany a game against the Seahawks in motherfuckin' Munich. Despite the record, we all know that Tom could use his current adversity to come out swinging haymakers in Germanland. Should be a great game.

Titties @ Chefs

Malik Willis: 5/16 for 80 yards.
Patrick Mahomes: 43/68 for 446 yards.

How the fuck was this ultimately a 3 point game? Seems mildly insane.

The Titans were seriously one Todd "dipshit" Downing dumpster fire offensive gameplan away from actually getting a win. The fuck they running streaks for? The fuck they not getting dragged to a dub by Tractorcito?? Why was he on their bench??

Baldimore @ NO

WEEKLY RECAPULATIONS

W - 100.1 (3-6) Deep Tissue Illuminati

L - 84.1 (4-5) Australian SteveIrwins

Fairly decent reading on the Whomp-o-meter. Not too big of a win, but most definitely is not close.

I'm a little surprised at myself. Despite how god damn fucking much I find myself reading other people's rosters and shit, I kinda had noooooo fucking idea that Cordarrell Patterson wasn't even playing. FOR WEEKS.

Despite his absence, he came back like he ain't never left. Rippin out 17.3 points from the FLEX and ensuring the illuminati stay in charge (although Kyrie would beg to differ).

W - 100.66 (5-4) It's a Tide Ad

L - 80.12 (2-7) Sunstroke Serenaders

Welp. It looks like we got ourselves a matchup here that's simply too close to call.

Yeah.

Well.

I guess I don't have any sort of live journal of the action here. Instead, the game turned into a blowout thanks to Kenyan Drake just absolutely housing motherfuckers.

L - 101.64 (5-4) Everywhere Roll Tide

W - 132.58 (2-7) Well, Not everywhere

Oh my goodness.

I was wondering what this week's team name would be. Could it be something Simpsons related for a third time this season? Could it be something revolving around the topic of our very own civic duty that I hope everyone is fucking participating in? Mayhaps it's something wildly new, or even refurbished from last season.

It could even be something as low probability as a College Football reference (I'm not even sure if Rob watches CFB).

But this.

Paired with Richard Mixon's five fucking touchdowns is just ... magnifiqué.

I personally like dabbling in some trolling from time to time. But this was a once in a generation opportunity. Something we simply will not see again until next season. I hope everyone's appreciated the greatness that's been bestowed.

..because I'm not really interested in going over the matchup. Mixon got 5 tiddies (Total Recall moment). Fin.

W - 105.82 (6-3) The Koi Pond

L - 76.5 (5-4) The Super Wicked Problems

And here we go. That's a second win in a row - and it set you apart from any of the other 5-3 teams (THERE WERE FIVE TO START WEEK 9) in the league.

Hold up. Pause. Just a minute.

They brought back that Office Space manager for ads?

I'm sorry. I don't meant to completely derail this recap but we all know The Koi Pond won. Unfortunately it wasn' all that close (shit happens). And no one really stepped up and raised some eyebrows. Sure, the Patriots defense was the top performer between both squads with 26.0 points - but my statement that no one stepped up still remains true. That's an entire D/ST - just about 22 fucking players. I would hope you could squeeze something out of them shits.

Back to the matter at hand:

The fuck is going on? Have we all become that generation of Americans? We're the target market? Everything we are willing to pay money for will turn into a product for us??

I wonder what the quintessential Millennial merchandise would be? A smartphone that's forced into a 4:3 aspect ratio? Somehow bottling the innocence of a pre-9/11 World? Could AOL Instant Messenger come back as a Twitter replacement?

We're only limited by our economy, which means we're just gonna get some team-branded snap bracelets.

FINALLY.

W - 124.12 (6-3) San Diego Loud-N-Stroud

L - 90.24 (5-4) I'm Thinkin' RBs

RBs. What's goin on, my dude? We used to rock together at the top of the standings. We were family. We were Dom and Brian.

But then there was a fiery accident that led to some CGI and a beautiful ending score. After having a good cry I wiped away my tears, but you were still there: with 4 losses. And I don't know how to go on being so alone at the top.

I can't promise I'll avenge you because the same person who took you down, had taken me down as well. It's like some really, really predictable movie plot. With any luck, the heroes prevail and are able to defeat the evil villain in the playoffs or some shit.

And that's all I got for movie references. They're extremely loose, and if you try to press me on anything concrete I'll just wriggle out of that like a Police Officer being held responsible for .. well .. just about anything.

L - 56.8 (2-7) That's a Paddlin'

W - 93.52 (8-1) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Oh phew.

I feel like I've had this kind of start before: going strong and seemingly unstoppable. Experience a loss in November and then forget how to spell "WIN" despite being spotted the "W" and "I".

The BYE almost claimed me, but once we get out of this shits I think I'll finally be able to bring back Elijah Mitchell! Been fucking going crazy due to this lack of an IR slot. My stoner ass doesn't remember whatsoever, but it's always been like this, right?

I kinda like that we don't have one. In another league, some dude absolutely lost his shit because another team was stashing IR/Out players in the IR slot as if they had hacked the ESPN Fantasy League Platform or some shit. We all play with the same fucking rules. The buy-in wasn't trivial. The fuck are you complaining about? Maybe you should have fucking read the rules.

And also, if you're going to get super bent the fuck out of shape because of most anything in Fantasy Football (there are always exceptions), don't fucking play. Jesus tittyfucking Christ, this hobby is simply another attack vector for literal adult babies to show off how much they don't mind shitting their own pants in public to make some obscure point.

Fin.

That's it for now! I'll get some power rankings out later in the week - I mean I have to, I've never had a team this strong - so until then, good luck with your week 10 moves! Try not to make too many good ones, I'd like to preserve my lead.

What else is there .. I guess go and fuckin vote if you haven't already, although we all have been around long enough to realize who usually wins during the mid-terms.

On the bright side though, I'm fucking pumped with the changing weather! Bye-bye 68 degree days, helllooooooo 29 degree mornings!! Fuckin love crackin that window just enough so the fingers get maybe a little too cold so it's tough to type things out on a keyboard fast.

Love that shit.

And love you guys - hope everyone's happy and healthy, excited for what this fuckin November might bring.