Trying is the first step towards failure

Hey hey party people!

So this week, fuck going over all the games - I ain't got that kind of time, so instead I'm going to just free-flow a bunch of garbage and still end up with some behemoth 1,500+ word shitshow of a column.

If you're all ready, let's just into some ridiculous shit that happened over the last week - and as usual - just ignore the fact that week 6 already fucking started because fuck Thursday night football.

We had a chance to politically strangle that monster in its infancy when in 2007 the NFL Network had exclusive rights to broadcast the final regular season game between the Patriots and Giants. People lost their fucking minds to the point where John Fucking Kerry stepped in to pressure the NFL to god damn fucking figure it out and allow everyone to watch that fucking game.

Ultimately the NFL caved and they simulcasted the game nationally on both NBC and CBS, but the damage was done. The absolute fucking power the NFL had realized was never going to go away. Shit man, there was a time when we'd only have a small handful of Thursday Night NFL games per season. What wonderful times were those.

The league struggled to get people interested with stupid fucking gimmicks like Color Rush, and the annual Jaguars vs. Titans dumpster fire game.

Then you had the historical matchup to bring awareness to colorblindness by absolutely saying "fuck off" to color blind people with the legendary Jets vs. Bills showing,

God damn stubbornness of the NFL eventually forced it to be on every week starting in 2012.

Why am I complaining this much about it? Well, the Thursday Night game has always been a thorn in my side because it serves as the line of delineation between one week of football and another - and god damn it, I couldn't always get this column out by Wednesday or even Thursday sometimes. And to release this column recapping a previous week when the next week is already in progress brings great shame to my family name.

Oh. And player safety or some shit. Yeah, it's definitely the player safety.

Fuck you Goodell. I will always fucking hate Thursday Night Football. Unless it's Thanksgiving. That shit rules.

Dirty Sanchez

So like,, what the fuck was that shit??

The timeline of that whole debacle was a fucking wild ride. I get a text message update about some news regarding about Mark Sanchez in critical condition after getting stabbed a bunch of times.

What the fuck? Dude kinda seems likable, that's wild shit! What on Earth could have even led to this shit??

Turns out that may have been a direct quote from the incident

So like any terminally online asshole, I hop on over to the very niche Mark Sanchez subreddit at reddit.com/r/dirtysanchez to get any updates.

Turns out this news was originally leaked by some dude on a Colts subreddit, so I follow that trail and the same guy actually said that Police expected to fucking arrest the motherfucker soon.

AND THEN HE DONE GOT HIMSELF ARRESTED AND CHARGED FOR SOME FUCKIN FELONY FOR BEATING A DOORDASHER HALF TO DEATH.

The man notorious for sneaking hotdogs on the sideline like a Polak secretly rippin darts in an airport bathroom, and World reknown for an event simply named, "The Butt Fumble" has gone ahead and fumbled yet again.

But this time, he's fumbled a bag so big that he's going to probably get prison time and will need to fade into deep obscurity all because he just couldn't be satisfied with some alleyway wind sprints, he had to pretend to be a traffic cop.

Dumb fuck. Just become a real cop, and then you could literally beat people to death and easily get away with it. Stupid stupid stupid.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Jankees lose!

The World Celebrates!

Haaah ahahahaha. It's a few days passed, but I simply will never tire from the joy of watching the Yankees go another fucking season with no World Series. The mystique is all but fucking dead and gone. They are currently in their second longest World Series drought. Aaron fucking Boone is now the manager that has gone the longest without winning a World Series. Fuck that franchise to the ends of the Earth.

That Cam Shittler thought he was a hot motherfucker striking out 12 and eliminating the Red Sox. Grew up in Walpole or some shit and was quoted saying he's happy the Sox were gone. Well guess what fucker, YOU'RE THE LOSER OF RECORD FOR THE YANKS GETTING ELIMINATED.

NOW GET IN YOUR FUCKIN TEAM BUS AND GET THE FUCK OUT

Greatriots @ Bluecows

I may not go over all the games, but I sure as hell am gonna go over the official return of the GREATRIOTS.

THANKS BILLS. IT'S ALWAYS A GREAT TIME TO FEEL VALIDATED BY BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR TEAM.

It was probably the most excitement I've felt as a Patriots fan in like, 3 fuckin years - and yeah yeah yeah, I know, we frankly do not deserve to complain about futility for maybe another one or two decades, but to have our team as a whole play really well and secure a win against the cream of the crop of the NFL is unbelievably satisfying.

I mean shit, look at how happy some of our fans were,

Anyway, you thought us dickhead Patriots fans were insufferable from 2001-2020, just wait for the second coming. Our belligerence shall rise from the Mayo ashes like the Phoenix.

Loose change

I got a bunch of other memes, so I figure I should share those.

49IRs

That fuckin team has zero rushing touchdowns. Can you fucking believe that?? They're fucking 4-1.

Even wilder is, the only other team in NFL History that had won 4+ games in the first five weeks without scoring a rushing TD is ... the 1990 49ers. They went 5-0.

Baker Baker big ol' tiddie Maker

Now that's a fuckin Franchise QB. How the fuck does someone move on from this guy?

Cardinals

Oh wait, they're 0-3 since a certain event. Curious.

Ravens

Yo. What the fuck is even going on?

Edelman, you've done it again!

OK. Let's recap some matchups and shit

L (1-4) Mark Stabchez Doordash
W (5-0) I'm Thinkin' RBs

So much promise with the top of that roster, and just like Mark Sanchez's future career plans, completely flushed down an alleyway toilet to I'm Thinkin' RBs thanks to great outputs from the Seattle Seaha.. no wait, Jordan Mas..

OK ok ok, that's about as far as I can go with this joke. The roster is too good and I'm not nearly clever enough to keep this shit going.

I'm Thinkin' RBs is 5-0 for good reason.

W (3-2) Sunstroke Serenaders
L (2-3) Arch Panning Fraud Alert

What a matchup of deuces.

Two, 2-2 teams matched up against one another, both with two managers. What kind of managers, you might double-down and ask? Double doubles. Matthew Panning and Matthew Panning vs. Chris Lee and Chris Lee.

Ahh uhh. Umm. Oh Jesus I have no fucking clue how to keep this joke going.

W (5-0) The Super Wicked Problems
L (3-2) Roll Tide

Oh shit. We got another 5-0 team?? And this one seems to have some fucking balls on 'em.

Who the ever-loving fuck still has Joe Burrow on his team? Shit man, why even have another QB?? You have the incredible Indiana Jones. This roster is fucking loaded enough that The Super Wicked Problems can carry a god damn one-legged Burrow bum.

AND WHO IS THIS FUCKIN WOODY MARKS? In all my fantasy leagues, I've seen people bench quality fucking running backs to start this bum and Roll Tide had the fucking sense to keep that silly-first-named asshole on his bench, where those 2.4 fucking points belong! What the fuck are people doing? Who the fuck is this dipshit? Do they not forget that Nick Chubb is on that team as well? Just wait for his ass to eventually get some brutal injury first.

W (1-4) Australian Heath Ledgers
L (0-5) San Diego ICE ICE Babies

When it rains it pours, and boy does it absolute piss shit for San Diego ICE ICE Babies and he forgot an umbrella.

And uhh. Shit I don't have any more metaphors for this awful matchup of two basement dwellers. I'm sorry dudes, I don't mean it personally but sometimes the shit don't stick and every fuckin move is a disaster. That's the way the fantasy football cookie crumbles. And it crumbles for thee.

W (2-3) Neon Dion DeSantis
L (3-2) It's a Tide Ad

Neato, I fuckin won! FUCK YEAH MOTHER FUCKERS. I WILL NEVER BE SILENCED FOR I AM THE CURRENT CHAMPION OF THE LEAGUE, AND WILL BE UNTIL I'M ULTIMATELY DETHRONED IN WEEK 9 WHEN I'M TOTALLY GOING TO BE ELIMINATED FROM PLAYOFF CONTENTION BECAUSE OMARION IS DEAD, CHASE BROWN FUCKIN SUCKS ASSHOLE THROUGH A STRAW, JEROME FORD AND DAMEON PIERCE ARE TRASH, AND LAST YEAR WAS A COMPLETE ANOMALY.

Better luck next week, Mr. Advertisement. Although you're in for a disaster of a BYE week if you don't ditch some of those bench players who are scoring literally zero points. The fuck is up with that. As a side note, come on ESPN league, why aren't you at least showing who is injured/suspended. COME ON.

Fin.

Welp. Week 5 is dead and gone. Bring on week 6 and everything it brings with it!

Take care everyone, I hope you all stay happy and healthy for at least one more week, after which I'll remind you all to do so again!

And let me be your weekly reminder to not leave Halloween costume decisions to the last minute like I most likely will. If you have children or pets that need stuff, don't wait it out - and make sure to buy all the candy you need as soon as possible so you can eat most of it by like, the 24th and need to buy it all again.

Speaking of Halloween candy, anyone have any person preferences? Do you go all chocolate-based? Do you get some sour patch kids and twizzlers thrown into the mix? Do you prefer to only give out licorice and tootsie-rolls, and if so do you enjoy cleaning up all the eggs that will find their way onto the siding/windows of your home?

Personally, I'll take it all. Give me the S-tier Reese's, Snickers, Kit Kat, and Sour Patch Kids. Give me the A-tier Milky Ways, M&Ms (it's a classic, what), and Twizzlers. Give me the B-tier 3 Musketeers, Crunch bars,, ok I can't list them all - but just give them all to me.

...OK. I need to consume some sugar. Time to make me a nutella, banana, nutella, and peanut butter nutella sandwich.