There's nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend
Sandy pigeons
Let's start the season halfway point down in Sunny Mee-ah-mee where the Dolphins are doing their best impression of big fat honkin' boobahs in that they are made to absolutely suck. Tua Isuckallovah is back in rare extremely common form, playing like absolute trash.
I'm so god damn psyched for the three remaining Miami Dolphin primetime games we have.
The Baldimore Ravens appear to finally be back in their absolutely horrifying form to close out the second half of the regular season before they turn back into some sort of pumpkin and choke away another playoff loss.
Flacceux Can't Deux It All
Let's travel on up to the new Factory of Sadness in Cincinatti where those home fans were able to witness two of the most gut-punch losses anyone in the entire history of the NFL had the privilege of experiencing.
Zac "The Fool Man" Taylor is one sad sack of shit after going from a Super Bowl appearance to whatever you would want to call this atrocity of a high school defense. All that miserable fuckin Bengals team had to do was tackle. They managed to scrape together one miracle in an onsides kick recovery, only to piss it completely away after Caleb Williams the sack of shit bears tried to do so themselves.
McCarthyism is alive and well
I swear I caught some of this game.. And it was a good one? Lions fought hard, but the Vikings .. the Vikings uhh. Oh who fucking cares. Blah blah blah, Gibbs and Montgomery sucked.
...
You know what, this week ain't it.
Real life decided it was time for the v-tek to kick in and now I'm absolutely jacked to all hell with work to keep my ass blasted when I'd usually be trying to steal some time to write.
Then of course there's this whole family thing I have going on, that now includes a second bun in the oven (girl #2) that also demands attention.
No, I'm not quitting midseason like Antonio Brown, you don't have to worry about any attempted murder charges and having to extradite me from a country that actually has no extradition treaty with the USA, they simply just got tired of his shit. I just have way too many fuckin things in the oven right now and need to make this week a little more brief.
[writes 1500 more words because this is an addiction]
Only six fucking innings??
Anyway, best I can do this week is rant and rave about how despite the amazing World Series that we just saw, the Dodgers fucking winning means that the owners have what they need to demand a salary cap - something that that most powerful union on Earth will oppose. And so we may just get a fucking player's strike, which means we ain't getting 162 games next season.
Shit man, we might get another no-World-Series. That fucking sucked in '94, and it's going to be an absolute disaster now given how exciting baseball just got for so many sideline fans. Incredible playoff runs, awesome storylines, dipshit teams rising from the ashes to make deep postseason runs, and of course, the incredible Shohei.
Actually. I need to talk about this Shohei guy. Yes, what he's doing is incredible. He's probably the greatest Baseball player any of us will ever see, and possibly, the greatest to ever play at this point. What he's done as a pitcher and hitter is legitimately unbelievable. His 50 steal, 50 homerun season was fucking bonkers.
But I need to talk about that NLCS clinching game where he pitched 6 innings, struck out 10, gave up only 2 hits as well as slapped 2 dongs and 2 doubles.
I think all those numbers are fucking incredible, and if a pitcher just did the pitching portion and a hitter did the hitting portion, we'd be talking about the performance for a long time...
But like,,, 6 innings? Why the fuck is this considered a laudible number? I fucking hate how 6 innings is now something that's praised and loved. It's fine. It's serviceable. It gets you through 2/3rds of the game and hopefully the relievers can get through the three remaining innings and give that starter the win.
But fuck man. It's frankly the minimum.
You want to impress me as the starting pitcher? Go at least 7 innings. You go 7, and maybe you have a killer closer that takes 6 outs, and bing bang boom, that shit will tickle my balls and impress me. Otherwise, leave that 6-innings out of the fucking headline.
Frankly, I feel like I've been scarred by a certain pitcher the Red Sox had that put up statistically an incredible season all those years ago:
Dice K.
In 2008:
- he went 18-3
- 2.90 ERA
- 5.4 WAR
- 4th in Cy Young
But the motherfucker had zero complete games. And on average, 5.76 innings per start. That fuckin guy constantly would go at most 6 innings and change before getting his ass pulled. That shit drove me nuts. In my eyes, it makes that 18-3 and sub-3 ERA so much less impressive because he would barely have to go through the batting lineup more than 3 times, if that.
I enjoyed his tenure, and was psyched he captured a ring the year previous in 2007 - but I was always so fucking frustrated at that paper tiger. Frankly, I thought he was kind of a fuckin fraud because of how early he kept getting pulled.
Just to get an idea:
- 6.2 innings (3 times: 4/1, 4/8, 5/17)
- 7.0 innings (3 times: 4/30, 5/10, 8/13)
- 7.1 innings (2 times: 7/7, 7/22)
- 8.0 innings (1 time: 8/29 - data is truncated but available elsewhere)
Motherfucker went over 6 innings nine times (31%). And only hit that golden number of 7+ six (21%) times.
Fuck, just looking at this shit again got me all worked up again.
MAYBE IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME WORKING ON YOUR DIPSHIT GYRO BALL, YOU'D HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HIT 200 INNINGS FOR THE FUCKING SEASON.
Anyway, in conclusion, ABS is going to ruin base stealing in Baseball.
Recapulations
Soooo this is gonna get awkward because I literally do not have any fucking time to get this shit done. So instead of spending too much effort, I'm going to have to turn this into some weird and abstract art piece.
L (4-5) Roll Tide
W (2-7) San Diego ICE ICE Babies
WELL SHIT. Finally, the San Diego Fed Infants finally have their day (week?) and nabbed their second fucking win. It's been such a hard road being like, the only assholes getting paid with this recent govment shutdown.
Frankly, looking at the roster and all the points that flowed like the fecal fountain my daughter displayed after she ate some (what I assume was) bad blueberries, how on Earth could this team have ever lost?
Well I'll tell you why: because Fantasy Football will fuck your hopes and dreams up like anyone's assumption of how Evan Engram would spell his fucking last name. IT'S INGRAM YOU FUCKING OBTUSE ASSHOLE.
W (5-4) Ceedeez nutz
L (7-2) The Super Wicked Problems
ANOTHER FUCKING UPSET, HOLY SHITE.
Houston, we have a Super Wicked Problem: your ass got god damn beat. Not by the three-headed KC monster, but by Action Jaxson and Run CMC... and then maybe a little bit of that three-headed monster.
In conclusion, The Super Wicked Problems shouldn't really fuckin worry unless he needs to truly start depending on whoever the fuck Elic Ayomanor is.
W (8-1) I'm Thinkin' RBs
L (4-5) Sunstroke Serenaders
The wins keep coming for that sweet, delicious, off-brand roast beef sandwich shop x NFL crossover. What a fuckin dominant win thanks to Brock "White" Bowers who reigned supreme.
Not sure where the Sunstroke Serenaders can go with losing Jayden "built like a carrot stick" Daniels and Tucker "Robert's favorite son" Kraft both now in a better place. You'd think a team with the Sun God and Justin Jefferson would be shitting out points like my daughter does blueberries (she seriously may have a problem), but both have been extremely underwhelming.
L (1-8) Australian Heath Ledgers
W (4-5) New Zealand Rhys Darbys
At first I was all like,
And then I was all like,
But ultimately, I was like,
W (6-3) Frank Fodera "Social Club"
L (4-5) Neon Dion DeSantis
Damn. This references goes fucking hard. For those not in the know, this matchup duo here used to live with one another for junior and senior year in college - BALL SQUARE, REPRESENT - and we lived on the first floor of a pretty nice place that had a landlord, Frank Fodera. Upstanding eye-talian man (gorlami) who was real nice, but had that .. look that if he asked you something, you kinda just did it.
He would hang out with his buddies every week at their hangout spot to do Italian things. Were they part of the mob? Perhaps. Did they traffic counterfeit cigarettes? Possibly. Did Frank own most every piece of property on that street? Most likely.
Anyway, we're lucky we were never asked of any favors because we probably would have had to do it given that we spent most every single waking moment in that apartment smokin' bongs, blunts, and anything wrapped in the finest OCB slims, which as one comes to realize, will leak out in the entrance of the building. That man's kids probably learned at a fairly young age what weed smoke is.
There are times I still look over my shoulder because .. well .. on our way out, we kinda just left all of our furniture in the apartment. I still remember him contacting us fairly annoyed that we did and that he'd have to charge us the security deposit to have it removed - well, Chris and I fuckin Perry Mason'd that shit and pointed out that our contract didn't actually have any language that we had to remove shit. We fuckin won that one and lived to tell the tale.
Fin.
Welp. I was hoping I wouldn't have to sacrifice levity for the sake of brevity, but it looks like I ended up the opposite: another long, rambling column that wasn't that funny.
But oh well, if you made it this far that means you fuckin read it anyway, so haw haw, fucking got you, bitch.
And in case it wasn't bad enough, we are now officially halfway through the NFL season, which means the awful games are really truly going to be absolutely dogshit to watch because teams are really going to be completely out of hope at this point, and it's only going to get worse.
But hey, at least the holidays are coming up, right!? Everyone loves dealing with worsening weather, less sunlight, seeing problematic family members, and trying to meet gifting expectations! So buckle up fuckers, shit's gonna get wild.
Unless your plans are ultimately cancelled like so many thousand other travellers this holiday season.
Either way, stay safe, stay warm (or cool depending on wherever the fuck you are), and see y'all next week on this same channel.
Much love.
