The Power of Friendship

WE GOING IN DRY FOLKS, NO FOREPLAY THIS COLUMN,

Broncos @ Jets

OK. How are these games not starting an international incident? I'm so fucking happy I don't a shit about the London game at all whatsoever. Like, who the fuck gets up for this shit?

I've hated these god damn games ever since I lived in SF and had to struggle to wake up for a 6fucking30am game.

And for what??

Absolute fucking criminal bullshit, trying to shoehorn a god damn football game so early in the fucking morning on a Sunday. I'm sure when I was a wee college lad, I wouldn't have minded crawling from bed to my couch, blasting my brains with several dozen bong hits, and ordering a delicious breakfast sandwich from Ball Square's finest spot, Soundbites.

But I ain't no 20-year-old anymore. Fuck this fucking noise. I have fucking chores to take care of Sunday morning that I've been putting off for the previous 6 days. Fuck outta here with these garbage pail quality games.

Cards @ Colts

Indiana Jones and the Redemption Arc

Sadly for Colts fans, I think we all know how this will end,

Charge @ Dolphin

Holy shit the AFC LEast is on a historic run. Thanks to the absolutely fucking wild adaptation of 11-year-old children's pants into the closets of NFL head coaches, capri pants-wearing HC's have a blistering losing pace.

These fuckin dipshits are 1-11 right now. I mean, sure, rock that shit if you regularly attend leg day. Show off those thicc ham hocks. But these two? What the fuck, they got some twig assed slenderman lower legs.

..and yet, not the worst part of the Dolphins right now. They are a complete dumpster fire, and I'm so fucking excited to watch it happen.

Greatriots @ Saints

AWW YEAH KID. WE AHH SO FAHKEN BACK YOU HAVE NO FAHKEN IDEAR.

Snrub @ Steelers

Holy shit the Browns fuckin suck. It seriously does not matter who they have at Quarterback, it's the same god damn sad result that's produced. They truly are the Factory of Sadness.

Cowboys @ Kitties

Hell yeah, Rico Dowdle! Fuck those Cowboys.

Seahawks @ Jaggin off

I really don't care

Rams @ Pigeons

Ravens. What the fuck?

Watching this team makes me god damn nauseous. Or it's just Pooper Rush's play

Titans @ Raiders

Congrats Titans fans,

Now that your coaching search has begun, might I suggest someone who has very intimate knowledge of the ins-and-outs of your butthole division??

Bungles @ Pack

Who fucking cares.

49IRs @ Buccs

I got an inside source to let me know about a potential mid-season logo change,

Lions @ Chefs

Oof. Fuck off, Chefs. No one wants you anymore.

Bluecows @ Falcons

AHHHH HAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHH FUCKIN BILLS HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

SUPER BOWL WINDOW?? HAAAAHAHHAHAHA

Brrs @ Commies

Holy fuckin shit, what a fucking game. For the last two years this matchup has ended up with a completely wild ending where one team snatches a loss from the jaws of defeat like a billionaire snatching wealth from the labor of the 99%.

Let's get to some recaps, you filthy animals

I told myself I wasn't going to go too wild with this shit. If Major League Baseball can implement a pitch clock to help shorten games, then why couldn't I work some discipline into my planning and not get carried away and vomit out 2,000+ word digital diarrhea?

Fun fact: that 15-inning game was like, 4 hours long, which was the standard length of a simple 9-inning Sox/Yanks game.

W (3-3) Benihana Beach Mest
L (5-1) I'm Thinkin' RBs

What the fuck was this shit.

Seriously. What the fuck.

67.52 to 64.34 ???

How the fuck does this happen so god damn often where teams play up or down to their opponents? I'm honestly impressed by the absolute defensive masterclass Benihana Beach Mest demonstrated this week. I'm Thinkin' RBs has been fucking flying high at 5-0, some would call him unstoppable, and yet he came across the immovable object and scored what was easily the least amount of points all season.

If I could point to a single reason why:

1a. True Charbonnet is Seattle #1, anything else is called Kenneth Walker III
1b. Dalton Kincaid is poopoo
1c. Garrett Wilson just hates life right now
1d. Poopa Nacaca
1e. Javonte Williams

As far as Benihana Beach Mest ... well ... he just sucked less.

L (3-3) It's a Tide Ad
W (2-4) Bad Team That Should be Ashamed

Wait a minute. How can a Bad Team That Should be Ashamed actually pull off a win?? SOMETHING FUCKY IS GOING ON HERE.

Frankly, the only shame should be placed at missing out on the opportunity to start Cam Skettebo for a complete unknown in Derrick "Bob Dylan" Henry. Tractorcito has sucked shit for weeks, playing on a team you hate, and despite him doing .. OK this week, you chose him instead of the great white hype in Skattebo? SHAME.

Speaking of shame, rough showing for It's a Tide Ad. Sure, CMC and the Raiders defense showed up, but holy shit everyone else kinda just quit on the week. Xavier "not" Worthy? Matthew Statpadford? RJ "Steve" Harvey? Hassan "the dog shocker" Haskins? Jakobi Meyers "Weiner"?

All bums. And I would hope you made them run suicides right after the game, like a good, very high-quality head coach would do.

W (4-2) Roll Tide
L (3-3) Sunstroke Serenaders

Holy shite. Sunstroke Serenaders almost pulled it off. This matchup of 3-2 teams did not disappoint and Roll Tide escaped with a win thinner than the promise of an early retirement! As much as I want to laude Jayden Daniels for giving it his all, as well as James Cook III to hold off the surging Serenaders .. it really kinda came down to JAYDEN DANIELS FUCKING IT ALL UP.

That motherfucker lost the matchup for not one. Not two. But actually THREE different teams where he started at QB (in another fantasy league where literally the team starting him lost by fewer than 2 points).

What a fucking wild turn that was right at the end of week 6. Fucking brutal.

PS. What the fuck, Amon-Ra?

W (6-0) The Super Wicked Problems
L (1-5) Australian Heath Ledgers

Daaaaaang. The Super Wicked Problems is just absolutely tearing through teams this season. Win number six for the team, and looking almost unstoppable. Got himself fairly poor performances from Jordan Love and Just Kidding Dobbins, as well as literally nothing from the Eagles D/ST - but that shit don't matter when you get 22+ point performances from three different players. The fuck??

Rough showing for Australian Heath "Please step away from the" Ledge ..rs. Put in a solid effort. Didn't leave any significant amount of points on the bench. Hit triple digits. And still get blown away by 25+ points.

Not much to say other than,

"Fuck you fantasy football you god damn bitch goddess - I love you."

W (1-5) San Diego ICE ICE Babies
L (2-4) Neon Dion DeSantis

Well shit. Speaking of fumbling away a win - THAT'S THIS GUY RIGHT HERE! ME!! I FUCKING DID THAT!

Sure, I could bitch and moan about not starting Drake Maye, but I sincerely thought that Josh Allen would have a legendary comeback game against a team that I'm fairly sure we all figured sucked ass (THE FALCONS LOST 30-0 TO THE FUCKING PANTHERS).

AND I COULD HAVE STILL PULLED IT OFF AND GOTTEN MY ASSHOLE BACK TO .500 IF IT WEREN'T FOR GOD DAMN JACORY CROSKEY-THE-FUCK-WHO-CARES-HE-HAS-NO-MERRITT. Absolutely brutal to have dual running backs going Monday Night where one absolutely has the game of his life in D'Andre Swift, and the other who fuckin shits his pants and tries to clean it out barehanded.

Now, I can't totally take San Diego ICE ICE Babies off the hook for this result - the dude put his players in a position to win the week. And by that I mean he had Rico "Don't" Dowdle. You god damn bastard. Congrats on the first win of the season, so happy it was at my expense.

Fin

Buckle up my friends, we're going on a feel trip.

Last weekend, an old high school friend of mine invited myself and [borat voice] my wife to a post-nuptial party in Boston. Attending were a handful of old high school friends who since we all graduated a hundred million years ago, I could count on one hand the amount of times I had seen them in person. And I have to admit, I got hit so hard by nostalgia I literally was seeing through time - it was to roughly 25 years ago, but through time nonetheless.

It was really fucking awesome. I've been privileged to meet a lot of people in my life, and many of them I consider friends, and a pretty decent number, the greatest of friends. I have so many memories spanning a lot of locations and events, none of which I would trade for anything. For whatever reason, I find it really hard to keep up with folks, and throughout the years, I feel like my connections to a lot of people I truly love and care about keep getting pulled thinner and thinner like the mozzarella from a slice of cheese pizza straight out of the oven.

One of my greatest fears is that the ever thinning connection will just break, and that will be the end of that. As I remember each cherished long-term memory, there is no one around to ensure its integrity remains intact. The more I try to remember those good old times, the more those memories corrupt and instead of being about the original event, they become influenced by what I remembered the last time they were recalled.

Well, if one thing proved true this weekend, it is that it's never too late to grab another slice of friendship and enjoy those cheesy connections again. For those 2.5 hours it almost felt like no time had passed. These dudes were just how I remembered them, and I hope I was the same to them. We shared some great memories, and were able to get caught up learning ab out each other's families and lives. Shit, I even got the honor to meet some of the really fuckin awesome friends and wives. I got to put some faces to fantasy teams, and it was all truly wonderful.

To bring this back to the reason you're all fuckin here: this fucking dipshit column - I have to admit, as bad as I am at fantasy football (well, I was until I fuckin WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP LAST YEAR HELL YEAH) and find the bitching, moaning, and vulgarity therapeutic and soothing, one of the biggest reasons I keep this thing going is because I find it one of the few ways to keep up with all of you out there.

Y'all are some of the best friends and acquaintances I've made and gotten to know; with how infrequently I get to see everyone, I'd like to think that for one fleeting moment, we're all hanging out together shooting the shit - and like old times, no one can get a word in because I just won't shut the fuck up.

I really want to thank our Glorious Commissioner for rounding all of us bastards together and starting this league .. what, 10 fucking years ago or something? It's been awesome to play alongside the rest of chums who I may not know too closely, but all share the common thread that is resiithasequel. It's an honor to write up bullshit that you guys might carve some time out to read.

So take it easy dudes, enjoy your week 7. Much love to you all, and never hesitate to send out a league message - whether it's about the next time you find yourself in central Massachusetts lost in the Nashoba valley, or a general disdain for something like the Pacific Timezone.