2023

The Armies of the Unfit

Joe

07 Sep 2023 — 10 min read

Season Preview

And by season preview, I'm going to dish out some of the scalding-hot takes that I've ~~come up with~~ stolen from the stupidest places of the internet.

Jimmy G throws for 40 touchdowns - in Madden when he gets benched for Aidan O'Connell by week 4. Raiders miss playoffs.
Baker Mayfield wins SEE POY
Messi signs as a kicker week six for a desperate team
Jets have to bench Rodgers in week 13, ride Zach Wilson like a milf to postseason
This will be Belichick's next-to-last year with:
** Steve taking over Defensive Coordinator
** BO'B moving on after next season
** Jerod Mayo as the next Head Coach

Draft Recap

JonathanMarjorieTaylorNoGreen

First, let's lead off with one of our glorious co-commissioners. The one who apparently will be stress testing the character limits of the Team Name input fields.

And I uhhh, well,, fuck man. I have no fucking clue how to recap an auction draft. I guess I could call the roster top-heavy? A small handful of highly-paid studs and a shitload of $ingles sprinkled underneath.. but god damn, I'm going to be saying that about a lot of teams. Oh well, I'll let this be the first.

Actually .. the more I look at these draft results, it kinda blows my fuckin mind to see the cavernous gaps between the big money picks and the subsequent cheap-tier picks.

After shelling out $176 for,

Ekeler (worth)
Deebo (worth)
Devanate Adams (worth)
Rhamondrehedron Steviewonderson (...worth?)

Your ass sat through 53 players before you grabbed David Montgomery. Then you sat through another 49 before grabbing Rashaad Penny at $2.

Thankfully, we had ourselves a grand ol' time in chat. One of the more active draft chats in a while.

Draft Grade: Graded.

Note: Kyler might end up being quite the fuckin steal at $1.

The Super Wicked Problems

Started off pretty fuckin Chubby with $70 for jolly ol' Saint Nick, god damn threw down for Jalen Hurts ($35 - third highest QB price), then demanded Garrett Wilson at $48.

Shit calmed down quite a bit but the man remained pretty active not taking any sort of extended break outside of waiting 27 picks between DJ Moore (42nd) and Diontae Johnson (69th - nice).

You definitely peppered in some quality grabs:

Dalvin "James" Cook ($7)
Khalil Herbert ($4)
GEEEENOOOOOO ($1)

And of course, at least one player I've never fuckin heard of but enjoy the name: Marvin Mims Jr. Just makes me giggle thinking about it.

...Christ, that was the worst draft recap summary. All I did was take the results, remove information, add a bunch of words, and make one minor "69" reference.

I gotta step up my game or this shit is only going to get worse

Draft Recap Grade: pretty bad, sorry

San Diego Loud-N-Stroud

Ahh yes, looks like you took home the official, 2023 OH FUCK HE'S ALREADY HURT award in Cooper Kupp and a nagging hamstring injury. Not fuckin ideal. But I'm sure there's some crazy powerful NFL-tier drug that Cooper can take to at least get some fantasy production.

But don't worry, it's still early and hamstring injuries rarely ever linger.

And god damn, you just might sweep the draft awards as the current front-runer for 2023 Your Roster Is More Top Heavy Than A 90s Pornstar. Christ. Look at all those singles. It's like a Settlers of Catan tournament.

Although you might just win the 2023 Most Steals of the Draft if any of your god damn dozen dollar picks produces for just a couple weeks.

Draft Grade:

The Bryce Is Right

So. It looks like we have a second Joe in the league. Here's a brief look into how each was introduced during the draft:

Things started off well .. no direct competition for any players. H*ck, this Joe was rooting all the way for The Bryce is Right to grab JJ, Kenneth Walker III, Jahmyr, Herbert, and Waller.

I wasn't even jealous that Herbert was got for less money than Trevor (Sunshine) Lawrence. I was happy for a fellow Joe.

But .. a wedge was driven between the budding Joeship with the nomination of Jahan Dotson. What was once mutual Joespect, was now bitter jealousy. Sprinkled with bitterness and regret.

Now all eyes will be on Week 9's matchup. The Battle of the Joes. The ultimate decider as to .. who gets a win in week 9 of the regular season.

Official Mascot of completely meaningless victories.

Drama aside, good luck depending on a Charger offensive player - especially one as vital as Herbert. The Chargers are such shitheads to every single entity that depends on them.

Draft Grade: Joe.

The Helen Keller Exorcisms

God damn it I wanted Justin Fields pretty badly. But at $21 I just couldn't really justify the price - especially in a league that seemingly nerfs the fuck out of the passing game. Personally, I really enjoy it in contrast with another league that has the Superduper Flex, which has completely caused the QB market to flip on its head. In conclusion: not worth that price. To me.

Am I disparaging the Justin Fields pick? Me? No! Never! It's a very good, average sized pick. Nothing wrong with a pick like that. Lots of teams think that pick is at least average. A pick that anyone would feel when inserted .. into their roster.

Really well-rounded draft, actually. The most expensive player on the roster was She-Ra St. Brown at $36. So much money distributed to so many other positions, I kinda love this draft by one of the league dads.

Way to stay disciplined and save your money for the great value players while letting all us dipshits beat each other up in a money fight early on,

Draft Grade: patient

Everywhere Roll Tide

Nice mix of high-end running backs in Derrick Henry and Najee Harris, a god-tier QB in Mahomes, performant receivers with Jeudy, Hodgkins, Aiyuk, and .. the Bills defense? They're good right?

Shit. You also grabbed The Bryce is Right's namesake - so I think legally speaking, you may own their soul?

In conclusion, this draft is a roster of contrasts. Last season was a bit lackluster, there's no reason you can't recapture the magic that we all experienced during the Covid: Extended Edition (2021) and make a run for the championship.

Draft Grade: Crimson

It's A Tide Ad

Speakin' of tides!

..Oh god, I'm running out of gas here, and I was running on fumes from the start. Hmm. Let me put on my ol' thinking cap here,,,

I had DK on my "To Draft" list but fuck if I was gonna reach that deep into my pockets. Pretty remarkable that a dude as old as Donkey Kong can be a number one receiver.

Then you picked up another number one in Diggs alongside the dude chuckin' them balls at him.

Those top three picks are gonna score you so many fucking points.

But holy h*ck are you thin at RB. $32 combined spent and one of them ain't starting until October.

Draft grade: am I still doing these?

I'm Thinkin' RBs

This motherfucker fulfills his team name and starts off the draft by grabbing four straight running backs:

Llamar Jackson
Tony Pollahd
Josh Jacobs
Dameon Pierce (aka. the wildcard)

And didn't really have to cripple themselves too badly for the rest of the draft. Although I'd say some risk was taken by picking up Mike Evans. Dude always seems to be teetering on the edge of retirement, and yet he's there every fucking draft, ready to be picked up and given an opportunity to produce.

For some reason I have in my notes that Freiermuth was probably most brutal $3 battle our auction draft has ever seen. Whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.

Anyway, solid draft. Jaxon Smith-Njigba might end up being a steal at $3,, and it'd piss me the fuck off as a Tyler Lockett owner.

So it's probably gonna happen.

Me having to bench Tyler Lockett by week 3.

Draft Grade: The meats.

The Koi Pond

This is the draft of a man who needed to either look after an infant child or steal some sleep. By pick 14 the dude had spent $182 of their $200 budget, including 77 fuckin bucks for Travis "ow my knee" Kelce.

Frankly, this isn't really the worst draft I've seen this season. In another league, someone autodrafted and was left with $130+ so at least The Koi Pond went mother fucking HAM on players they wanted. If they reach their potential, the three-headed monster of CMC, Kelce, and Compact Disc Lamb could carry quite the load.

Some of you might be asking, "Joe, what's the point of this story?"

Well, I just like stories.

And shit, what a pickup with Pitts. You're gonna need his ass now that Kelce proved to be softer than wet baby shit - which you can relate to all too well nowadays (congrats on the sex, by the way).

Your lone QB is Anthony Richardson. Jesus Christ.

Is he even the best of the rookie QBs this season?

Draft grade: ..zzz..

Australian Heath Ledgers

Crikey. 67 dollaree-doos for Tyreek. Kinda worth it when the shover-of-pregnant-wives-down-stairs can score 220+ fucking points.

Man. What the fuck, and that was with a braindamaged Tua for maybe 60% of the season under center.

Oh well, moving on, what else do we .. oh.

Australian Heath Ledgers are toeing the edge of moral ambiguity with also picking up Deshaun Watson!

Now, I said it during the draft and I'll reiterate it:

This is fantasy football, not a morality contest.

Fantasy football always puts difficult decisions on your plate, it's best to ignore the ethical ramifications and just go with whoever the fuck is gonna bring home that sweet, sweet cash.

Typical fantasy football decision making.

Draft grade: vegemite

Sunstroke Serenaders

Holy fuck. This draft result list is wild.

You started off by taking Justin Tucker at $4 with the 16th pick. And then you sprinkle a shitload of mid picks, peaking with AJ Brown at $40 with the 38th pick. And yes, I just did that thing again where I turned concise information into not that.

This team is kinda fuckin stacked despite ~~paying~~ throwing away $14 for Jonathan Taylor Tiddie.

DeVonta Smith
Chris Olive
Raheem Mustard
Waddle Waddle Waddle
Kittle
Burrow

Even has themselves a ticket into the Who The Fuck Will Be The Chiefs Stud RB sweepstakes with Pacheco for the low-low price of $9!

Draft grade: I'm kinda scared.

Neon Dion DeSantis

Oh fuck yeah. This guy. The man who's destined for greatness. Who has remade himself with a potentially problematic photoshop of a failed Presidential Candidate and a successful college football coach.

Who will be riding the high powered Atlanta and Jacksonville offenses to the promised land. To avenge the early playoff exit after dominating the regular season.

He'll do it through hopefully picking the right Falcons running back week to week because Atlanta mind-bogglingly drafted an absolute stud after having a great performance from Allgeier last season.

AND he'll do it because Joe "I am not a crook" Mixon was cleared of his .. aggrevated menacing?

He just better keep his fuckin nose clean god damn it. Although this team is absolutely ready to replace him at a moment's notice with a decent stable: