Tebow bow, chicka chicka-chickahhhh

[Extremely Karl Urban in The Boys voice] Weww, weww, weww, lookit you cheeky cunts.

I told you all. Every. Single. One of you.

This new taunting rule will absolutely ruin this league.

Now, don't get me wrong, outside of hating this old piece of shit I have always, and most likely will always, hate the Giants. From the obvious 2011 and 2007, to thinking they have some sort of ownership over Belichick, to their gaht damn ancient media market claim of New England creating a whole shitload of fuckin Giants fans that passed their fandom to more New Englanders.

That's right, before the Patriots could pull any sort of weight media-wise, the Giants were the fuckin team of the Northeast. That's why that fucker running Giant Glass is a die hard Red Sox and Giants fan. That's why so many old fuckers all over this great New England Nation.

...Think they can fuckin "son" us Patriots fans.

Oh shit, wait, what was I talking about?

OH RIGHT:

FUCKING JOHN MARA

Who asked for this? The answer is Giants owner John Mara, a member of the NFL’s competition committee who said in August that he’s “sick and tired” of taunting and that “nobody wants to see a player taunting another player.” I can confirm this is not true. I want to see players taunt other players. I want to watch a channel called NFL TauntZone with no football—just defensive backs letting receivers know they’re trash and defensive linemen doing provocative sack dances.
(sauce)

Why doesn't he just go back to fucking defending his domestic abuser kicker, and barely punishing Ray Rice

He's already earned his Dumpster Fire of Wet Shit award by absolutely botching the investigation of the NFL Ray Rice case. The guy is probably the only person on Earth that thinks the NFL and Goodell did a fine job handling the Ray Rice case.

And he obviously learned a lot since he was 'comfortable' with keeping kicker accused of domestic violence.

Oh wait, did I just imply that maybe Mara was just showing support for someone being accused of a heinous act?

Because what I mean to say was,

Mara told WFAN’s Mike Francesa on Thursday that Brown had admitted to him that he had abused his wife, yet the Giants still retained him after he signed a two-year, $4 million free agent deal in April.
(source)

So yeah. Fuck this dude with a rusty, czech hedgehog.

OK. Now that I got that shit over with, let's get into some awesome shit n stuff

Shit n stuff

Some Pain. No Gain.

Tyrod: down.
Baker: down.
Tua: down.

Makes you think, really.

[hits bong]

I mean look:

Tyrod. Baker. Tua.
Tyrod.  Baker. Tua.
TBT.

And it's Week Two.

If you utilize the very popular hashtag #throwbackThursday and modify it just slightly to better fit our memery we get,

ThrowbackToTwo

Or what I can only assume is a throwback to week 2 - so there is a time in a previous season when we lost three quarterbacks in week 2.

Unfortunately I can't find any season that had all three in Tyrod Taylor, Baker Mayfield and Tua Tugalottalova start in week 2.

I gotta get myself a subscription to Stats Inc., to see whether I can extend the time window a decade or two, I'll get a week 2 with the above conditions.

If anyone out there has access to some stats api platform, let me know!

PS. I know non-qbs got hurt too, so chill the fuck out.

The Circle

The greatest reality series of all-time has a new season and I can't fucking wait for the next dump of episodes on Wednesday. I strongly recommend you all watch if you are a fan and didn't fucking even realize they were out.

If you ain't a fan, then first of all: how dare you?

Second of all, start watching season 2 (professors will be teaching about it soon enough) and don't stop until .. well, I dunno, you watch it all.

Because that's what we do to content. We binge the ever-loving fuck out of it.

Early games

Patriots / Jets

Came back midway through the ... second? quarter. Spent some days out in Wdshl.

What? That's how it's pronounced. It's spelled Woods Hole, but I swear everyone leaves off all the god damn vowels and pauses. I can't tell if it's,

Woods Hole.
Woods Hull.
Winds Hell.
Wosell.
Woodsull.

I think you get the idea. No idea why they didn't just do what most of the the cape does: possibly use a Native American word, and then end it with esset, met, or quet.

(speaking of the Cape: shoutout to Brewster! Only visited once for a High School Senior Skip Day Party - first time I had ever gotten a hangover while still actively drinking - and knew a dog with the same name. He was a fuckin awesome dog)

Oh right. A football game was also played or something. I dunno. What can I say about it ... Patriots defense looked pretty good. Zach Wilson looks like a pre-pubescent child.

Welp. That was a terrible recap.

Donkeys / Jagoffs

TLaw vs. Whatever dipshit Elway started

I'm sure it was a real great game

Panthers

The_Darnold is truly experiencing the greatest rennessain.. rennesance.. A Revival.

It's something that reminds me of perhaps my favorite nature documentary:

I hope you all enjoy following along ... from a distance.

Browns/Texans

Tyrod hurt his hammy and went out.
Baker hurt his shoulder and went out.

Eagles/9ers

I had no idea this was a game this week and only discovered it on Monday afternoon. And as you can see,

Raiders n Steeeeeeers

I should care more since daaaaaa Rrrrraaaiiidduuuhhhssss have two dominating wins behind outstanding quarterback play. Two wins against the Ravens and Steelers is pretty neato.

Looks like this new diet that Benedict Wafflesburger is trying out sucks at replacing home cooking. Fuckers win in Buffalo and lose in Pittsburgh? Something tells me that's because he actually only dieted at home and fucked his face with buffalo wings before that Bills game.

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS FUCKER:

Miami / Bills

What the fuck was this game? 35 to 0?

I'm sure a lot of it had to do with Tua goin down, but like ... the fuck? Everything I'm reading from Bills fans makes it seem like it was the least dominating 35 point shutout in NFL history.

But in reality, they made the Dolphins line look like,

Late Games

Buccos/Atlanta

Meh. It's the fuckin Falcons. Who cares?

Even my boy Brady ain't helping me give a shit.

Boys n Chargers

You know. I don't mind the Cowboys. I also don't mind the Chargers. I like Herbert. I think the Chargers have one of the most aesthetically pleasing color schemes in the NFL (with Dallas not really being any sort of slouch either).

But jesus tittyfucking christ .. I don't want anything to do with watching this fucking game whatsoever.

...until I saw the graphic: Jerry Jones was born in LA.

The fuck!?

Mr. Good ol' Boy
Mr. Glory Hole
Mr. Oil hyuck yee haw
Mr. Common Clay of the New West (you know, a moron)

Nothing but lies. Beautifully crafted lies behind an Arkansas accent.

How dare he?

Titties n Seachickens

My significant takeaway from this matchup is that Tanneyhill is back to being 2 years away from being 2 years away from elite QBship. Shame, but them's the breaks.

So like .. I wrote the above at halftime when all the fuckin stats were talking about those 52,000 wins in a row at home when the Seapigeons have a lead. Before Tractorcito fucked around and crushed the Rainy City Bitch Pigeons' and so many fantasy owners' hearts.

Chefs n Blackbirds

Wow. I don't even know what to say. Obviously I caught a lot of the Emmys for some reason. They had a pretty neato open with a tribute to Biz Markie:

Then there were some neato wins n shit. I don't really remember anything else other than Conan doin some funny shit:

However, probably the least known fact of Emmy night was that there was an outstanding National NFL Football League Monday Night MNF Game of Football going on.

It was fuckin awesome and really I don't know how to describe it. I just hope you all seen it. That is, I hope you saw it. All the fucking way till the Oweh forced fumble.

Really, the only thing that gives this game justice is to say that Lamar is carrying that city to some crazy wins.

Misc.

Pure. Pain.

Why. Why couldn't Asante just held on? Why couldn't the refs just fucking blow the play dead? Why couldn't we have just gotten one for Moss?

Why do I have to think about this stupid Super Bowl loss on average, 52 times a year? LET ME FUCKING LIVE.

On the bright side

Fuckin sexy.

Life Pro-Tip

Getting annoyed at constantly forgetting song lyrics? Do you listen to music while driving? Do you look out your rear-view window a lot?

Just put the lyrics of your favorite tongue-twisting songs on your rear window!

For example, here's someone who pasted the lyrics to REM's "It's The End Of The World" on his rear window to help him learn:

It's a great trick!

Recaps

L - 114.66 (1-1) San Diego Super Marios

W - 115.68 (1-1) New Baby Daddy

Holy fuckin close game. 1.02 point difference??

I'm sure The Super Marios went into Monday Night football with a slightly tight butthole. Not so-tight-coal-turns-to-diamond, but a solid tight trapdoor. Some relaxation should be in place because ultimately, Lamar Jackson fucking rocked shit and nice lead. Slap a decent handcuff in Davante Adams in there and what the fuck could possiblie go wrong?

Fucking Aaron Jones.

As an Eskimo Brother in Misery (against him in another league WHERE THE GUY STARTED FITZY IN THE SUPERFLEX POSITION FUCKING AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), I have nothing but comfort and,

W - 115.62 (1-1) The Super Wicked Problems

L - 45.48 (1-1) Bryan's Team

OH COME ON. 45.5 points? HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED???

Oh my God. You have fuckin solid players - and instead of doing anything, they completely united in shitting the bed.

Bryan's Team, is there some sort of rift between ownership and this, fantastical locker room? Did you just happen to hit some of the worst fuckin luck in our scoring rules?

The more I look, it does seem like you got hit with the worst case of Shit happens I've seen in a long time, especially with so many fuckin points left on the bench. Fucking ouch.

Case closed. Whatever. Seems like every fucking person is 1-1 anyway.

[JOE: welp i guess this is worse than that other luck .. i'm too lazy to come up with another]

W - 108.3 (1-1) The Koi Pond

L - 92.86 (0-2) I'm Thinkin' Arbys

Josh Allen's total is a little demonic for my Christian tastes. I always thought this was a good, God-fearing, bible-thumping, vagina-soaking group of fellas brought together by their united belief that Tebow something something yadda yadda.

Solid team effort, Koi Pond. It's a great strategy you employ,

L - 64.52 (1-1) That's a Paddlin'

W - 106.0 (2-0) Australian SteveIrwins

Score a negative point total?
That's a paddlin'

End up scoring zero points?
That's a paddlin'

Actually score exactly what you were projected to score?
You better believe that's a paddlin'

L - 59.74 (0-2) Drops and Robinsons

W - 90.54 (1-1) Essential Twerkers

Sometimes there's good luck. Sometimes there's bad luck.

And sometimes there's just nothing but oops-I-just-got-a-flesh-eating-bacteria luck.

That's when you score less than 60 points. Still, I salute your #teamNameGame.

Essential Twerkers are now owed what all essential workers in this great nation get: an attaboy.

Attaboy! First win of the season!

L - 104.52 (1-1) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

W - 129.72 (2-0) Everywhere Roll Tide

Holy fuckin' shit dude. I got absolutely ass-blasted by Tractorcito.

If that particular body part isn't to your suiting, you could say he also dragged his nuts over my roster for 41.7 motherfucking points.

Congrats on being one of the few 2-0 teams, you jerk.

Fin.

Good fuckin week everybody.

Well .. most everybody.

Enjoy the start of mother fuckin Fall. Soon we'll be at that magical time of year (for those of us normies that live in the Northeast - although Colorado has some weird fucking voodoo magic weather where this is probably applicable most of the year) when you can literally wear anything:

tshirt n shorts
tshirt n pants
sweater n shorts (personal favorite)
sweater n pants
jacket n shorts (fucking psychopaths)
snowpants n v-neck

Anything

Take care folks, stay safe, stay healthy, don't be a fuckface and see you all next week or some shit.