Baker Buccos @ Bill's

All I got for this one is that Baker Mayfield throws a fucking beautiful hail mary. Just a crying shame Godwin couldn't come down with it,

If I could describe this game using words, I would use the words:

The game was close and not close at the same time.

Ramses @ Dem Boys

The Cowboys annhilated the Rams in a way that 99% of all Texans think they'd destroy them California Libtard elites.

Off the field, they'd probably die of poverty and no electrical grid - but thankfully Football is played on a field. Although I don't know if you could describe what the LA Rams played this week as football.

Scorigami: Happened.

Vikes @ Pack

The end of Kirktober has arrived. From the Vikings being the spookiest of teams to now being without its fearless albeit bland as mayo and white bread leader, is just another example of how god damn brutal the NFL is.

We now have a second QB tearing his achilles, and it begs the question,

Failcons @ Fake Oilers

And fucking Arthur "i'm from a family of billionaires" Smith, you stupid fucking moron. You have spent first round picks on a wide receiver, a stud rb, a transcendant tight end, and instead you have your third string tight end throw a pass to your second string tight end. Or vice versa, but who the fuck cares.

STOP FUCKING MIS-USING YOUR INCERDIBLE TALENT YOU DUMB FUCK.

NOOOOOO @ Lolts

We are living in the age of high-powered players named T. Hill .. and one guy named Rashid Shaheed. What a fucking monster.

Also, I think I've maybe figured out how to solve the Colts' QB issues:

Leastriots @ M.I.A.

Welp. Going into this game and shit, even after the Pats got that first score, I have to admit:

So obviously, I did what any asshole would do - I hopped onto my favorite AI Image Generator and treated it like some Magic 8-Ball

But then all those positive vibes were completely and utterly god damn destroyed, and the Pats reminded me of who they truly were,

Stupid fucking hope. At least the Panthers and Broncos won, so now the Pats have moved up and currently sit at pick number 4!

Jest @ Gints

Oh. I was totally sick with a completely real sickness for this game,

There's no way I would be caught dead watching any of the 28 punts that took place at the Meadowlands that day. Holy fuck.

Jaggins @ Steeeers

Iggles @ Commies

You know, the Tush Push gets a lot of ire but I think it's because it doesn't have the kind of name that lends itself to the mythical theme of the NFL. Gladiators of the gridiron. The frozen tundra of Lambeau field. That's some fuckin verbiage.

Maybe they should call it something like, the Bottom Bludgeon or Rear Admiral.

Just spitballin' here.

Tejans @ Kittehs

Clevelosers @ Rainy City Bitch Pigeons

Another missed start by Groper Cleveland, and yet the Browns almost pulled off the win in Seattle.

But they didn't, and now the god damn Seahawks are in first place in the NFC West just like everyone fucking predicted.

Chefs @ Donkeys

Have you heard about Kelce and his girlfriend, Taylor Swift?

Raves @ Stl Cardinals

Ravens almost gave this fuckin game away, but instead of going into more detail, here's a picture proving that Wemby is an actual alien from the planet Baskethoop:

Bungles @ Fraudy 9ers

In an alternate and just universe, this would be a reality

Chitown @ Charge

Holy shit. The Bears fucking stink. The band of footbaLLLLLL they play is so fucking bad. I can't believe this was the Sunday Night game. What a torturous game to display to the nation.

Even with Justin Herbert moonlighting acting as that asshole CEO guy from that new fuckin Bill Burr anti-Millennial movie on Netflix instead of practicing,

The Chargers completely fucking curb-stomped the Bears, and it wasn't all that exciting to watch. It was frankly fucking painful.

How painful?

As painful as watching another garbage fucking movie/special that's cashing in on shitting on us Millennials. Seriously: fuck right off you shitbirds. The same dickbags that raised us are now capitalizing on putting us the fuck down just because we have the gaul to push back on a bunch of fuckery that's led to use having to rent for longer than we'e wanted, and actively preventing so many from affording luxuries and lifestyles we were promised as long as we worked for it.

Thankfully, as the MTV Generation, we've been able to develop some defensive mechanisms,

Raiders @ Lions

Holy fuck. Yet another garbage-tier primetime game to watch. I guess this one ultimately decided the fate of Mr. McDaniels but instead of being happy for Raiders fans, I'm pissed that one of my more consistent targets of ire is gone from the head coaching ranks.

I'm kinda excited to see the Raiders resurrect their Commitment to Exellence mantra that guided them through decades of pretty fucking high quality play.

But I know they got quite a bit of dumbassery to work out - at this point that standard was so god damn low an ant would trip over it.

Their Team Anthem could have been the fucking Benny Hill music.

The replay of him trying to hit a wide open Davante Adams is incredible,

RETICULATING RECAPS

October is done. November is here. Let's get this shit on for we haven't much time: Winter is coming.

For realsies, too. It fuckin snowed in Massachusetts.

And while we're at it, I hope someone learns something about themselves, their season, or the world around them,

L (2-6) The Helen Keller Exorcists

W (5-3) It's a Tide Ad

Good fuckin lord. I swear to god we need a wellness check on the Helen Keller Exorcists or some shit. Kim Jong Un was able to execute his own fucking Uncle, and yet this fantasy team owner can't get himself to bench Justin fuckin Fields despite him being clearly injured.

But enough of me piling on, It's a Tide Ad had to beat this team, and beat them like Tyreek would his pregnant girlfriend he did. Beaten badly, I would say.

As far as analytics, I'd have to offer:

I learned that Chubba Hubbard's first name is pronounced: Choobah. That's fuckin wild.

W (7-1) Australian Heath Ledgers

L (2-6) Everywhere Roll Tide

Oh hell yeah, 101.1 points. The radio call numbers of an old radio station I grew up listening to that was pretty fuckin great. I wish I could remember the letters but for the life of me I just can't. I remember WBCN, WAAF, WFNX, WJMN (JAMMIN' 94.5) but fuck man. What the fuck was 101.1? Had some fuckin great alternative rock and shit when you got different music based on the region you were listening from.

Not the same god damn music wherever you happen to be in the fuckin World. It's depressing nowadays. I remember when it was a fuckin big deal to be somewhere where you could listen to KROQ.

Holy fuckin shit I'm old.

On the bright side, I'm sure most of you all are as well. You god damn grew-up-without-power-windows-and-locks used-to-be-with-it-once motherfuckers.

Which reminds me of a time when we used to buy CDs with our music on them. Give me 12 CDs for a penny, we'd say. Then put all those CDs into sleeves, as sleeves were the best way to travel with and protect our music.

L (5-3) Sunstroke Serenaders

W (6-2) The Koi Pond

The fuck. I can't even start writing this god damn recap because it's still so fucking close. Yeah sure, you'd think Jared Goff would outscore the Lions D/ST but nooooooo, they ain't doin nothin but handing off to Gibbs and the Raiders .. well .. the Raiders fuckin suck shit.

YOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK

Am I reading this right!?? Koi Pond won by only .32 points??? HOLY SHIT.

This is absolutely fuckin insane. I'm sure Sunstroke Serenaders is going to second guess so many positions moving forward given how many fuckin poins he left on the bench - but that shit is what it is, and it is fucking stupid.

W (4-4) Bryce Dallas Cowboys Condundrum

L (2-6) The Bryce is Right

Well well well, lookie at who's got themselves a nice little win-streak.

Mr. Commish was able to withstand a raging trio of Herbert, Godwin, and LaPortapotty all thanks to shockingly legendary performances from Dak and the Gussell Bus.

Things got pretty unnecessarily tense because one would think that Davante Adams would keep things completely and utterly untouchable. But again, as I've mentioned before: Josh McDaniels the offensive genius is a fuckin moron head coach.

And now look at him, he's dead.

..

Dead serious about finding another job!

L (5-3) The Super Wicked Problems

W (6-2) I'm Thinkin' RBs

What was lookin like a big ol' fat-assed Loss for Mr. RBs turned into a giant sweaty fuckin WIN thanks to: you guessed it - mutha. fahkin. RUNNING BACKS. Specifically big Josh Jacobs climbing the ladder to dominating heights against the Lions (although Detroit beat the Raiders so fucking badly their head coach was fired).

Llamar continues his obnoxiously inconsistent pace of scoring and then not scoring. Just like some bitch. Get your shit together, asshole.

Speaking of shit, what the hell happened with Pollard? I literally forgot about the existence of that guy.

W (3-5) Neon Dion DeSantis

L (1-6) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

MAKE EM SAY UUNNNHHH

UNHHHH

NAH-NAH

NAH-NAH

MOTHER FUCKIN WIN NUMBAH THREEEEE. I AM FUCKIN INVINCIBLE.

LET'S FUCKIN GOOOOOO ... and maybe get Kirk Cousins a new achilles? Holy shit, I went big for TLaw but Cousins has been a god damn beast this season. I feel like he's such an underrated quarterback for both fantasy and real life. I kinda sorta feel bad for that mayo-on-white-toast, grills-meat-on-tinfoil, shops-at-kohls, spicy-like-water guy.

Fin.

Oh shit. We're like,, halfway through the fuckin season aren't we?? Where does the motherfuckin' time go? Before we know it, the playoffs will hit us like a mack truck and 2024 will be right around the corner. Shit man, time just kinda keeps plodding on making fools of us all, doesn't it?

Doesn't mean we can't fuckin roll the windows down, stick our asses out the window and just enjoy the cool air on a bare behind while we ride on through to the other side.

Hope everyone's Halloween was spooktacular, wholesome, and filled with sugar and beer.

Now it's time to grip it and rip it, because Thanksgiving is staring us down with its cold dead eyes, offering delicious stuffing as a lure in order to trap and claim our lives. We must'nt (what the fuck was that contraction?) let it win, we must persevere.