Read this, Bozo

Stay off the WEEEEEEEEEEE-duh

I'm sick and fucking tired of this ridiculous capitalization of weed.

No, I'm not talking about the 18 flavors of weed seltzer that I can buy that somehow take only 15 minutes to kick in, last exactly 298 minutes, and then it's out of my system 2 minutes later.

I love the fact that I can start my day with a little tincture of THC. A little after lunch, I can take a vape hit or two to just keep myself bright and clear .. and lazy and toasted. Then in preparation of quittin' time, I slam an edible and pack some flower into a bong. Once things get a little slowed down towards the end of the evening, I might take a full dose from the tincture and lay my lazy head to sleep.

Obviously, I've tried some other methods: smokin hash, takin some shatter to my brain matter, doin a dab or eight (and then coughing for roughly 125 minutes), butt bonging, smokin vape juice, vaping flower, joint caulking, waterfall shotguns, gas masks, you name it, I've sucked smoke through it 😏

I don't really have a problem with all the different methods if toking. I think a little THC can help a lot of people in a variety of ways, but grinding up some flower, throwing it in a glass bowl, and rippin a fat green hit still isn't all that normalized for a significant portion of the population. I love that I can walk Sophie while drinking a can of weed seltzer, or munch a couple [too many oh my god oh no] edibles at the dinner table.

So you too, can get baked at home in almost an uncountable amount of ways.

Where I draw the line are these new ways people describe their weed or highs. There are some words that should frankly be god damn illegal to use when selling your THC products:

• Energy/Energetic*
• Focus
• Concentrate

*I can get down with those if they are implying you have less energy, or are less energetic.

Anyone that says they get "energized" after getting high is probably getting themselves too high when they toke and in reality, what they're experiencing is a god damn panic attack. Their anxiety is through the roof. That's why your heart is racing and you think you can't breathe, ya jamoke. You didn't get some burst of energy from that fuckin NY Sour Diesel. In fact, you just wasted 35 minutes making sure the batteries in the TV remote were rotated perfectly.

And don't fuckin tell me that the aforementioned example is a perfect definition of increased focus. Weed is fuckin antithetical to concentration or focus or whatever you want to say, unless the subject happens to be a a fucking Where's Waldo or some shit.

I legit had some asshole on the internet tell me that they can separate the right shit out so you can get high and focus on something like homework.

Most stupidest fuckin shit I ever did heard.

These people will buy some fucking Indica flower that's 43% THC, smoke it out of a multi-chamber, nitrogen-cooled, reverse osmosis, anti-gravity bong. Get off the ceiling, sit down to start their Organic Chemistry problem sets, then wake up 19 hours later in the same chair but 4' to their left.

Yeah. Fuckin laser focused there.

Run run, Rudolph

So last weekend I took part in the Cambridge 5K Winter Race. It was my second official race and while I didn't train too hard for it, I feel like I run enough that shooting for maybe a sub 26 minute 5k would be attainable.

Anyway, having this be my second ever race, I'm still am in awe when I'm there. I've attended races, large and small, Boston Marathon, lesser marathons, a friend's race, etc... But that feeling when you realize that you're gonna be in the center with people watching you (well, not really, but kinda) is kinda fuckin awesome.

That feeling of being vying for the attention of people watching was not really something I can get via pickup games or Rocket League tournaments. And I assume I wouldn't get it from crowds that watched those basketball games I could never make because I was constantly brokened in NYC (at least I paid my dues), either.

My back is too busted, my knees too torn up, my everything too muched to really deal with any high-intensity impact sports.

But running? I can't believe it took me ~36 years on this Earth to actually understand the ins-and-outs of running:

• Having the right shoes.
• Knowing the right posture.
• Don't fuckin lean forward, loser.
• Keep a consistent pace, even if it feels slow.
• Podcasts are just as good as a good playlist.
• Runners drink like masons.

It's fun! Whenever I tried running in my teens/20s/early-to-mid-30s it would lead to incredible amounts of physical pain: in my back, my shoulders, my ankles, my knees, fucking everything.

But then I learned the right shit and can whip out a 5k in less than 30 minutes. Shit feels good man.

One thing tho .. that final point: Runners drink like masons. What the fuck is up with that shit? When I ran that Cambridge Winter 5K, I almost puked a few times from pushing myself to probably the highest limit I've had while running. The last thing I wanted was to drink up an IPA or some shit. Jesus holy fuck I'm kinda pukin' in my mouth thinking about crossing the finish line, walking to the team tent, and popping open an 18 ounce Sour Double IPA.

There's no way I could just abuse my body like that. I just want a nice shower, stretch, a decent meal, some THC ingested in at least 3 methods, strong painkillers, multiple masterbation sessions, possibly some crack, and then finally relaxing to a day of NFL Football.

Maybe if I were in my 20s I'd be down, but that's not for me no more. In a way, I salute all of those who do. Maybe if the weather wasn't fucking freezing, I wouldn't mind standing around in sweaty running gear, but it was just a little too much for this pussy ass bitch.

So that was my report of my first non-Christmas-Sweater-related Official Race.

Oh, Dear God.

I just realized this entire section is like those god damn stories that're included with recipes online nowadays.

Sure, I did find the story about how this chicken wing rub was inspired after your mother spent a night in a holding cell for public intoxication and disturbing the peace. Well .. actually I would love more stories like those before recipes.

But the gimmicky ones that are an excuse to flex the recipe creator's writing abilities and seek so much attention in order to validate their sad and pathetic little lives. Definitely not what I'm doing here. Absolutely no overlap whatsoever. Two separate circle venn diagram n shite.

Early Games

Buccs @ Falcs

Atlanta winning against Tom Brady is hot lava.

Giants @ Dolphins

Tu'Anon is good.
Giants are not.

Colts @ Texans

JTT: 143 yards.
Texans: 141 yards.

Texans are so fucking sad. Jesus shit.

Vikes @ Lions

Things weren't looking great towards the end of the game here .. even with that lead in the fourth, the Lions were poised to maybe at least add to it but with 8:30 left in that fourth quarter, the lions failed their 8th straight 3rd down attempt (0-8 for the game at that point) by throwing a fucking interception. Fucking Jared Goff. Are you fucking kidding me?

How the ever-loving fuck does Zimzam still have a job? They had three failed 2 point conversions ... and lost by 2. Jesus.

Eagles @ Jets

Minshew Mania vs. White Supremacy

..well, if this took place like 8 weeks ago.

I have to admit, I initially thought it was Russell, which is a bad sign for the Seahawks

I know I pile on the Jets, but credit where credit is due: what a great play on 4th down for the tiddie

But it weren't good enough, and the Eagles continue their record of literally never fucking losing to the Jets, and I know at least one Eagle fan that actually impressed Minshew instead of the other way around:

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Cardinals @ Bears

Perhaps it is time to Crown Their Asses (RIP Denny)

And of course, the obligatory:

Charge @ Benguys

Another week of games. Another week of not knowing whether either of these teams are any good.

At least the game was pretty solid until Joe Mixon fucked up. But yeah, the Chargers blew out the Bengals by 24 points to start .. and after Cincy caught up San Diego went ahead and just blew them back the fuck out again.

What a stupid game.

Late Games

Jags @ Chargers Rams (I hate their logo)

Trevah has one solitary tossing tiddie in 5 games. [Laughs in McCorkle]

This Jaguars team is fucking trash. They make the Texans look functional. Even the Lions could fuck up this Jacksonville team. This is just fucking sad.

Football Team @ Raiders

Welp. This Football Team seems pretty fuckin fun to follow and I absolutely hate it because fuck Dan Snyder with a rusty pitchfork.

And now this god damn team actually defeated the Coin. They KILLED THE COIN.

Ravens @ Steelers

As crazy as this fucking game ended up being, I feel like it's just par for the course for that god damn insane division of weirdos: AFC North.

Just completely and absolutely crazy. Every one of those teams have been beating the fuck out of each other in some really disturbing display of circle-jerkery the likes of which I simply can not recall.

Can't really blame Llama too much given that TJ was about to absolutely obliterate him into a fine mist.

Fuck. Stupid NFL blocking the video of the end of the game. It's kind of important to the context of this review .. plus it's just fucking insanity that Harbaugh decided to do that. Completely unexpected. I wonder if he just thought his defense couldn't handle another Steeler drive or some shit. Fucking wild ending and Andrews almost actually caught it.

Blah blah AFC North big hits, concussions, blood, monster hits, toradol.

9ers @ Seahawks

Death.
Taxes.
Seahawks>9ers.
9ers>Rams.
Rams>Seahawks.
Cardinals somewhere: WILDCARD BITCHES

PRIIIIME TIIIIEM

Broncos @ Chefs

Welp. Looks like Teddy Throwsevelt just ain't that guy. Just can't seem to do much of anything well or with any fuckin emotion. Dude just doesn't fuckin care. Shows up. Clocks in. Cashes checks.

HE FUCKING CHECKED DOWN A FREE PLAY. A FREE FUCKING PLAY.

Just watch Teddy 2Gloves during this shitty interception he throws,

Greatriots @ Bill's

I can't even begin to describe the hilarity behind this game. So let me try to do it with words and memes:

When you rebuild your team in a solitary year.

But for reals, the fact that with all the god damn swirlingly trash weather predicted for Monday Night, it seems like Belichick took a look at his rookie quarterback, realized he can't possibly put something like this bullshit on his shoulders, and just decided,

So fucking simple. Even if it fails, all the pressure would be on Bill to explain why he didn't let Mac throw the ball even with the wind at his back. Fuckin, what a guy.

That's why we practice this shit.

I don't care if you have to click through to youtube.com because the shit is sweet.

Bill is having a blast out there and it shows. That motherfucker ran a QB sneak on 3rd and 5 .. and the crazy son of a bitch almost converted when Mac gained 4 yards n change. Bill starts passing in garbage time. He's just completely unhinged, and as a Patriots fan I'm fucking here for it.

RECAP THIS

W - 96.5 (8-5) New Baby Daddy

L - 95.32 (6-7) San Diego Super Marios

OOOOOOH SHEEEEIT. I wrote an entire fucking recap that made sense and was kind of funny. Then I realized I got the teams crossed up.

So just for redundancy's sake,

Winner: Certified Sex Haver
Loser: Possible Virgin

Unfortunately, now I'm super depressed because I was always able to hang my hat on the fact that despite me never making the fucking playoffs ever, at least it's because I've had the sex. That's right. I've had sex. What? What's so unappealing about the writer of a fucking Fantasy Football Recap Column talking about sex??

Hello?

L - 93.12 (6-7) It's a Tide Ad

W - 113.2 (7-6) The Super Wicked Problems

Damn. The league's first playoff matchup just took place with The Super Wicked Problems gettin in with the win. I don't want to sound like a complete shitbag but, damn talk about the disrespect to send out a lineup that has literally no Quarterback and a D/ST on their god damn *BYE*.

The balls on this guy. Maybe they're just so gigantic, they are a Super Wicked Problem. I'm sure it'd be fun to bounce around on your nutsack to get around, but in reality can you imagine catching a game at Fenway?

How the fuck am I supposed to grab the J at Canal Street if my ballsack literally can not go through the turnstile .. actually .. can you imagine getting your nuts stuck in a turnstyle?? GOD DAMN JESUS FUCKING HELL. I can't spell turnstiel. Was that right? Balls.

L - 85.8 (7-6) I'm Thinkin' RBs

W - 105.82 (5-8) The Koi Pond

The Koi Pond trying to play the spoiler, but you can't just defeat I'm Thinkin' RBs in a matchup and assume you're going to win.

I'm Thinkin' RBs is postseason bound! Gotta watch out for that team because despite how horse-shit Josh Allen and DK have been as of late, they have the ability to just diarrhea points. And I mean pee out the asshole kind of fury.

Koi Pond. You put in a good showing, ended the season with a W, and taught me about the existence of Van Jefferson. All in all, I'd say this was a very wholesome and spiritual season for The Koi Pond. I hope you enjoy your offseason with your two new kittens.

W - 90.4 (12-1) Australian SteveIrwins

L - 83.08 (7-6) That's a Paddlin'

The haves just keep having. And the have-nots, keep nutting notting.

Oh what the fuck, you pulled this off without a starting Quarterback?

Well, at least the disrespectful display didn't result in That's a Paddlin' losing out on a playoff spot. If my calculations are correct, him being in 6th place means he's in.

But I've been wrong [literally thousands of times] before.

W - 140.82 (4-9) Essential Twerkers

L - 48.32 (0-13) Team Effective Like Ivermectin

Holy fuck.

48.32 points from a full starting lineup. Nine players. 48.32 points. Woof.

Essential Twerkers played for nothing but pride, and it appears as though this motherfucker is built of nothing but his god damn pride. 140+ points with a quad-showing of 20+ point production. Fucking shit dude, this lineup is god damn beefy.

In lieu of actually doing more recapping of this,

W - 82.06 (10-3) Everywhere Roll Tide

L - 75.34 (6-7) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Man. Fuck. I know I had no chance of makin the postseason even with a 7-6 record since my POINTS FOR is so unbelievably shitty (9th out of 12 teams), but it does fuckin boil my potato thinking about what could have been. It's been how long since we started this league? Seriously 12 years? And I think I've made the playoffs once. Maybe.

Everywhere Roll Tide, you've emerged as the second seed, somewhat stumbling right after the mid-point of the season and falling behind Australian SteveIrwins by a couple losses only to right your fuckin ship and finish two fuckin' games ahead of third place, and ending the season with a nice two game win streak and winning three out of four.

I wish you best of luck in the postseason. Perhaps I'm finding some Alabamafandom due to Belichick's friendship with Saban. Could be because a couple Bama Brothers in Damien Harris and Mac Jones are unbelievably adorable as teammates. Whatever it is, I'd rather not think about it since it'd require me to understand all the shenanigans going on in CFB right now with head coaches, the dissolving of the B1G or something, the formation of a Super Premiere League (..wrong football I think) and possibly wanting to remove targeting. I don't know.

Fin.

Oh shit. We done here? Is the season over? Am I free from this shit?

No?

OK.

In all seriousness: take care everyone, have a wonderful week 14, enjoy the Patriots bye week, stay safe, stay healthy. Much love to you all.