Proper Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performance

That other football

I guess it's getting underway.

Oh hell yeah, I'm super excited to continue feeding a monstrously evil capitalist grift of galactic proportions. Wait what is that? They just banned cheering with both hands while in stadiums? OK, as long as I can celebrate with good ol' rightie on my own time, that's more than fi-..

Oh. That's banned too? Yikes.

I for one could never have foreseen such a quick degradation of promises. I mean, this is Qatar we're talking about! Sure, there is some controversy about how to pronounce the name, but their ruling class is nothing but rational, empathetic human beings. Why, look at how the welcome people:

Yeah. I'll skip this one.

I personally prefer my World Cup infrastructure built with chattel slavery

Revealed: 6,500 migrant workers have died in Qatar since World Cup awarded

Guardian analysis indicates shocking figure over the past decade likely to be an underestimate

The GuardianPete Pattisson

All that said: are we fuckin PUMPED to root for our country of choice?

The NFL is rough

The NFL is violent. Each play is like simulating a multi-car pileup at 30-45mph. Thats fucking football right there. None of that pansy ass dick tugging smile for the camera bullshit. Men puke, men poop on the field, men deliver their new born baby on the side lines. Fucking hard core dick in the ass butterball foosball fuck it chuck it game time shit. Take it to the showers. Dicks get shoved in places you don’t even remember. We win together we celebrate together.

And sometimes, those men run for public office in order to talk about .. the movies they watched?

Yo. What the fuck are you god damn talking about Herschel? Is your brain seriously nothing but porridge, Georgia references, and fake badges!??

Twitter

So like .. I guess I'm happy that despite the recent shenanigans pulled by quite possibly the greatest example of managing buffoonery in ever, Twitter is still going strong. Really goes to show you how resilient of a platform they built, despite Phony Stark going around and wreckin up the place,

Twitter is still up and holding strong! Shit, they've even had some peak usage days in there as well!

I'm excited for the day that some catastrophic failure occurs, because when you get systems that size, you only invite a larger and more powerful Chaos Monkey to just fuck up your shit.

And when that Chaos Monkey starts blocking the events queue, throwing stinky piles of exceptions, and hiding among the glut of running instances, I can't wait to see tweets demanding to talk to the Manager of Twitter.

Hate to break it to you buddy, you are the manager of twitter.

Although I'd say he's more of an illusionist. It's not easy to make $44 billion just disappear.

No wait. It's actually super easy. Isn't that right, FTX guy?

Now. In case any of y'all are betting folks (IF YOU ARE COME ON DOWN TO SPORTSBOOK DOT DRAFTKINGS DOT COM FOR ALL YOUR SPORTS BETTING NEEDS), you best take the under for Twitter existing in 2023:

Happy 10th Anniversary Everyone!

That's right, it's everyone's favorite ESPN Not Top 10 moment:

The Butt Fumble

And instead of my rambling on with some incoherent rant, featuring examples of sentence structure that would make a middle school english teacher literally peel their own flesh off, imma just post this:

Incredible, legacy-defining moment.

NFL GAMES WEEK 11

Ten I see @ Green Bae

PEACE OUT A-A-RON.

Also. Like. Fuck if I'm going to get used to all of this announcer musical chairs. I don't even remember who calls at what time on what day anymore. Shit is driving me nuts because it's all just too much change for my old ass.

Da Bears @ Falcons

All these haters are probably laughing at the Bears right now will have to watch them finish 3-14, then completely reload in the off-season and go 2-15 next year.

PS. How the fuck did the Patriots lose to this god damn team??

Panthers @ Ravens

I can't really get any sort of read on this game.

Because of this fact, imma just move on.

Detroit Browns @ Detroit Bills

Looks like the Bills went back on home to their second rust belt city home: Detroit.

This really was the ideal result for the Browns, in my opinion: Jacoby had himself a fuckin day, and the Sexual Assault Trader-for'ers lost.

WFT @ Texas

What an absolutely dreadful performance for the Texans. I feel awful for whatever poor fan is still watching that horseshit quality team. Like, they must be the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. Absolutely fucking dreadful.

Fuckin Washington. Man, can Snyder please sell the team so I can enjoy whatever the fuck that squad is?

No? ok.

Iggles @ Lolts

Holy fuck. Jeff Saturdaddy is the real deal.

Right?? RIGHT??

Only conclusion I can really come to is that Frank Reich must have fuckin sucked giant dickity dong. And I'm nothing but some dipshit with a blog thing that might not exist after November 28th, so you should snort a line of salt every couple of paragraphs. Like any sane person should.

Jest @ Greatriots

Man. This game was such a defensive shrugfest.

But holy shit what an ending.

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A post shared by New England Patriots (@patriots)

What else do I got?

Chargers Rams @ Sain'ts

Why the fuck do I always see the Rams logo as the Chargers logo? The fuck is wrong with my brain?

Anyway, did you know:

Saints are,

• 4-0 when Taysom has 40 or more yards from scrimmage
• 0-7 when Taysom has fewer than 40 yards from scrimmage

(source: some guy on reddit)

Loins @ GEEEEEE MENNNN

Lions are the only team out there challenging the NFC East, splitting the division with .. well, the division, 2-2.

Daaa Raidehs @ Boncors

Hahaha. Broncos got swept by Josh fuckin Daniels.

Broncos are something like 11-25 against the division since their Super Bowl in 2016.

Boys @ Vikes

What in the wide wide world of sports happened here!!??

Bengals @ Steeeers

If I didn't realize those were alternates for the Bengals, I'd assume the team was called the Zebras or some shit. They look pretty damn nice, but it's still fucking weird.

And no. I ain't got shit for photography.

2-0 in the unis, tho.

Chefs @ Charge

What can I get you?

I’ll have a Chiefs win over the Chargers by 3 points.

How original.

With a game winning Travis Kelce touchdown.

Daring today, aren’t we?

(source: another guy on reddit)

PS. who the fuck seriously thought they weren't going to win after the Charge scored that go-ahead touchie? Fuckin greatness. What a bitch.

RECAP

All right everybody! Make sure to get everyone's buddies in there to put us all in the right Fantasy Football mood:

With everyone now riding the same mindset, let's get into some week 11 recaps!

W - 105.4 (4-7) Sunstroke Serenaders

L - 53.7 (3-8) Hypothermic Harkers

Hahaha, good fucking God. I guess this fun run of name changes and wins have come to a god damn brutal end.

Like .. please let Hypothermic Harkers at least get off the fucking mat.

..oh no..

While getting up, he stumbled, fell out of a window, and fell head-first onto an outhouse, and (as you all can picture) just drove their face straight into a pile of generational doodoo.

As of 9:15pm Monday night, the 9ers are kinda opening it up to close out the first half and Deebs has fuckin 2.6 points. At least the man could outscore his own D/ST (9.0).

I would have to go ahead and remark that: this is not ideal.

W - 95.7 (5-6) Australian SteveIrwins

L - 79.74 (5-6) The Super Wicked Problems

Barring four straight fumbles by James Conner, I think I can go ahead and declare them Aussie Cunts the winnah. Anything less would be of course, a bootable offense. Including any disparaging of aforementioned cunts.

Not really sure what this matchup came down to, but if it were anything it'd have to be that Rhamondrehedron Steviewonderson only churned out 8.2 points. Obviously, any significant points from him The Super Wicked Problem of the Jets D/ST. But I kinda thought that Belichick would dial up something, anything to get points on the board since Mac - who was actually pretty decent throwing the ball - just couldn't get into the endzone.

Oh well, fucking whatever.

W - 122.24 (7-4) It's a Tide Ad

L - 97.8 (6-5) I'm Thinkin' RBs

Good fuckin lord. I didn't realize that Travis Kelce went H.A.M. of this particular variety. Pair that shit with two other 20+ point outputs and any opponent is going to have a bad fuckin time. I've said it once, and I'll say it before: point scoring in this league is hard.

To hit 120+ only happens when just the right planets align, Saturn in retrograde, and Uranus is pouring gatorade.

Kind of a brutal loss. Almost topping 100 points is a guaranteed win most weeks. But not this week.

Congrats grabbing Watson, tho. That's some good shit.

W - 114.62 (6-5) Everywhere Roll Tide

L - 73.68 (2-9) That's a Paddlin'

Despite how much everyone is just absolutely shitting all over Zach Wilson's face and hair and arms and back and chest and legs and feet and head, I'm legitimately surprised to see him score 5.68 points. That's not too bad.

Speaking of face and hair and arms and back and chest and legs and feet and head shitting, when I first opened up this matchup,

I stopped reading because that was plenty enough to win, cover any spreads, hit the over, etc...

L - 78.02 (7-4) San Diego Loud-N-Stroud

W - 86.84 (7-4) The Koi Pond

Ooohhh shit. The Koi Pond holds off San Diego Loud-N-Stroud to capture a tie for second best record in the league. Welcome to the seven-win club, Koi Pond.

Not exactly the output you'd imagine when you have two rosters featuring,

Justin "weed" Fields (he done good, tho),
Dalvin "kiss the" Cook,
Nick "hold my" Chubb,
Justin "Jay" Jefferson,
Josh "Josh" Allen,
Christian "Hackenberg" McCaffrey,
Alvin "shut the fuck up and give me your" Kamara (does he even belong here anymore?),

OK, I'm done listing those players.

Anyway, so I says to myself I says, "self, what the fuck are you talking about you stupid fuc-..."

Right. The underperforming matchup.

Yeah, those are some high-flying players except for Kamara who frankly is burdened by the stark reality that his life is more or less f'd in the A.

As a completely neutral observer, I'm extremely disappointed with this showing. For shame.

L - 106.22 (5-6) Deep Tissue Illuminati

W - 103.36 (9-2) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Oh shit man. I was due a loss from negligence and this matchup was the one.

It's 9:47pm on Monday night, and I'm still up by 10 and change .. but I'm not an idiot (well, I guess I am for getting myself into this situation in the first place. FUCK), I can read the writing on the wall:

Jimmy GQ and Aiyuk can fuckin score points.
Elijah Mitchell, can not score points.

And then I left Kittle on the bench? Shit man, I'm legitimately the stupidest fuck on Earth for leaving Jacoby on the bench for Llamar.

Really just a tragic comedy of tragedy.

But it's OK. I swear I'm not done at 9.

Plus Jimmy GQ could totally have me if he wanted, so I figure this should only help me out.

[JOE: it is now 10:57 pm EST on Monday - and I just went down 106 to 103. Mother. Fucker. AND ALL BECAUSE THAT FUCKING KITTLEBITCH IS ON MY GOD DAMN BENCH. FUCK.]

Fin.

All right dudes and dudette (I think), I'll get your power rankings in mid/late week .. if at all given the circumstances.

Hope all y'all have a wonderful week 12, good luck with your waiver picks before the turkey day games (we got a quality slate this year), and much love to all you fuckers as we start hitting that thick and juicy part of the holiday season.

It's gonna get all humid with holiday and fuckin cheer, so you best prepare with your finest holiday beer. Or wine. Or spirits. Or fuckin crack. Let's party.

Post Fin.

Raymond Green Vance (he/him)
Kelly Loving (she/her)
Daniel Aston (he/him)
Derrick Rump (he/him)
Ashley Paugh (she/ her)

They deserve to be remembered.