Here.

We.

Fuckin.

Oh shit, Ekeler already scored? Oh fuckin' hell I didn't even have games on ye-. Jimmy GQ just fumbled on the snap?? AHH FUCK STOP. SLOW DOWN. I HAVEN'T PROPERLY STRETCHED BEFORE WATCHING. I'M SO BEHIND.

OH FUCKIN HELL.

Thursday Game

Receiver party!

No Evans allowed.

Tom Brady is Omegakaren

So what's up with our boy Brady?

I feel like we're seeing some signs of .. some sort of transformation. A transformation that I'm frankly terrified of.

Yeah, sure, it's fun to joke around when he's being self-deprecating during the jersey number "drama" but it's more than that. There will become a point when,

is not parody anymore. And I'm worried that we won't realize it until it's simply too late.

Early Games

Vikes/Bengals

Go Bama.
#RollTide.
Fuck Cousins.

Which is why I'm rooting for Cincy.

Turns out Ja'Marr Chase can see an NFL football. 50-yard fuckin bomb for his second touchdown.

I gotta get a highlight of that somewhere.

Man. Those Bengals black stripes on a solid white uni is fucking clean. I love that shit, looks beautiful ... until you see those orange fuckin helmets like someone stuck a clown nose on a birch tree.

Titties & Cards

Outside of watching Chandler Jones (why can't we get players like that???), I don't give two shits about this matchup. I've ranted about it before but I fucking can't stand the Arizona Cardinal home aesthetic. It's like the Pacers. It's about as exciting as peeling a carrot.

Don't fucking offend me, my sensibilities, and my very personal concept of not gouging my own eyes out with sporks by broadcasting Cardinal home games. Fuck you.

..see you again next week for this same complaint!

Houston n Jagoffs

That first drive looked pretty great. Converted on three third downs and scored a touchy.

Or maybe it's just that the Jags are complete, and utter, trash. They are fucking terrible. TLaw tosses a cross-body pick like some dipshit.

I'll still give credit where it's due, they seem to have a decent starter in Tyrod.

Bills/Steeeers

Not featured whatsoever on redzone since there's been nothing but a measely field goal in the first quarter. And the first gameplay I ended up seeing was Cove[id] Beasley dropping a wide open pass like some fucking loser.

Speaking of fuckin losers. God damn it, Steelers. How the fuck did Wafflesburger pull that win out of his second-half hat??

See?? That shit is a miracle!

Ben has no right winning a game like that one.

Seahawks/Colts

I feel like I had something to say about this game. Maybe that I'm happy Wilson got a passing tiddy. Or maybe this stupid Fox 4K camera thing that they exclusively use in the end zone is .. boring as hell already.

Show me some actual in-game action with the 4K-downscaled-to-production-van-then-output-upscaled-then-downscaled-for-my-4:3-composite-driven-television.

Something to keep me interested.

Anyway.

Nice.

Panthers/Jets

Please don't make me comment about this one. There's nothing good about what this game wanted to be.

Well, it does provide the ability to shit on Adam Gase, but we have the freedom to do that every single other day of the year. Having to sit and watch the Darnold-led Panthers is not worth being able to do it for 365 days straight.

WFT and ... hmm

WFT Organization's "Shitting on Fans" in mid-season form.

I also would have accepted such captions as, "SHE CALLED THE SHIT, POOP"

That franchise doesn't deserve a player like McLaurin - which reminds me, I need to find a highlight of that insane sideline reception. Dude didn't stop adjusting until the fuckin ball slapped him in the hands.

Simply incredible.

Really hope we didn't just lose Fitzy for the year.

Late games

Patriots/Dolphins

Welp. I ain't fuckin document anything about nothing with this game on.

And even then, all I'm really focusing on is what a god damn gut-punch of an ending. Mac Jones lookin pretty .. great all game long. Takin hits, making throws, moving the chains. And then Damien Harris has to go and just fumble the game away.

Of course as a Patriots fan, with regards to Damien: I'm still a well-wisher, as in I don't wish any specific harm. I understand that the team as a whole loses. That sure the fumble was very obvious, but they could have converted earlier on and not needed that score to win the game.

But as someone who can't process much thought outside the incoherent and expletive-filled rants: the fuck is wrong with this kid? Wanted to show up his old Alabama teammate? Does Harris actually hate Mac Jones? I'm starting to think so. Why else sabotage what was assuredly, his first win?

For shame.

Brownses

Remember how I said I didn't pay attention to anything else?

Well.

I lied.

Just wanted to give a shout-out to all the Odell owners in the league:

What the fuck? Get you fucking ass on the god damn fucking field and play you god damn bum. I paid $18 in one league and fucking KEPT you for $44 in another! You're making me look like a god damn dipshit of an owner! And I don't need any of your help to do that myself.

...

Oh. And like. The punter totally fucked up:

.

Whatever other late afternoon game

Let me think about it...

I got nothing.

Oh wait, there was the Saints vs. Packers game!

And let's move on.

Other shite

Urban and the Failed Career

News came out about what's his face down in Jacksonville? Keith Urban? Oscar Meyer?

Anyway, apparently he's still treating grown fuckin adult millionaires like college atheletes that recycle every 3-4 years. Somewhere I'm sure "Quick" Rick Pitino is dying to provide more advice to Urban about transitioning to the pros.

☐ Still has to fire a beloved patriarch.
☐ Still has to trade away good assets in frustration.
☐ Still has to call the fanbase, "The Fellowship of the Miserable"

You have precious little time, Keith Urban "Oscar" Meyer. Weiner.

Streaming is Life

It's official: I'm old and too slow.

Can't get access when and where I need it. Feels bad man.

However, the story doesn't have to end! Come lads, take a seat and let me tell you a tale. One that includes a lost love, intrigue and lots of expletives lobbed at a poor computer.

It all started with myp2pforums and sopcasts. Third-party video clients in an attempt to stream baseball games back in the year 2009 AD. This led to forays into using Justin.tv (the pappy of Twitch.tv) and the discovery of vipsports and and watchsports.

My housemates and I would have to download the literal 1.0 version of firefox since it allowed for certain vulnerabilities in order to watch blacked out games.

Then the normalization began: streaming sites popping up like heads on a hydra. Higher and higher quality being made available. At this point, the real challenge is finding the mobile-friendly sports streaming sites.

Which brought upon the revolution and finding out about people's custom streams. Pasta. Aclee. So many others. All in full HD, on youtube, mobile and chromecast friendly. And to an extent, easy to find.

Some would treat their stream like their own personal DJ set. During commercials they'd play youtube videos or straight up hardcore pornography. During non-tv timeouts, they'd play songs or trivia. The community would get involved and all of a sudden the streamer would become a quasi-celebrity.

For a while, it was fun to be on top. Following the right twitter users. Having access to the chat and having the url ready to send to any questioning buddy.

But this year was different. The seasonal migration lost me. The usual suspects were gone and I was left alone like so many other casuals @sking mods for the discord invite link. I felt like a lone caribou in some old 1080p Planet Earth documentary you'd watch on a physical dvd.

What a sad state of affairs we have become.

..to be continued..

Norm.

Yeah. I was all ready to send this shit out in the morning then I realized:

I forgot Norm.

So I'm going to do my best to share a couple jokes/routines you've all probably seen before but fondly remember. Norm was a dude that showed up in Adam Sandler movies and that one time in Dirty Work, had an immortal quote (in my 12-year-old brain's opinion) with, "I wanted to start smoking because I thought I'd look cool, and I did!"

And eventually carved out a space as arguably the GOAT interview guest.

Then there's his run on SNL .. which I'll just link this 30+ minute video I frankly haven't watched all of quite yet,

Can't forget about Frank Stallone either - I know I completely fuckin did:

I dunno, I miss the guy as he would live-tweet golf tournaments from behind some sort of delay that doesn't actually exist.

And little did we know, that through the last 9 years this man had been battling Cancer, ultimately to a draw.

Anyway, I'll end this segment with probably the most thoughtful comments on the passing (so far):

View post on imgur.com

We'll miss you, Norm. You had the uncanny ability to walk into a room filled with the greatest comedians on Earth and still be the funniest guy there.

Oh that's right

There are fuckin recaps this season, boys.

Of course, don't get too comfy with them - I gotta figure out how best to manage these shits with bullshit like work, life, uhhh, more life, Fast and the Furious marathons, Rocket League, and obviously Simpsons episodes with commentary.

(W) 111.32 - Bryan's Team

(L) 99.48 - New Baby Daddy

First off: congrats on the sex, Brandon.

Now we get to talk about the obvious: Julio.

But after the even more obviouser: Joe Mixon has a great first name.

OK. Julio Jones just kinda sucks, huh? I didn't really catch the game because every time I tuned in Chandler Jones was just wiping his balls all over Tanneyhill. But yeah, doesn't fuckin matter anyway because team julio won.

(L) 71.9 - I'm Thinkin' RBs

(W) 107.5 - San Diego Super Marios

Ouch. If there's a silver lining to that score RBs, it's that it was one of the quicker to type being as short as it is.

But yeah, you kinda got F'ed in the A by Evans. And the Buccs defense. And Mostert. Well, by a number of decisions both for week 1 and generally speaking over the last couple years.

But don't fret, it's just some early season jitters against a team that has heavyweights like Saquon and Davante Adams.

(W) 94.16 - Australian SteveIrwins

(L) 70.9 - The Super Wicked Problems

The Super Wicked Problems [with his roster] may have completely shit the bed, but to be frank it's kind of what you want when a one or more of your studs is just pushin rope on gameday. Nothing's worse than having just not enough output, so fuck it, let 'em take an off day then they'll come back with stronger moneyshots than ever before.

So. What was I talking about again?

(W) 116.58 - Everywhere Roll Tide

(L) 98.86 - NJ Pangolins

I've seen more and more of this Mahomes/Hill combo and I have to be quite forthcoming: folks, it appears like it works.

What doesn't really appear to work is JuJu or Ezekiel. What the fuck happened to those two? Did that Bengal Badman Linebacker guy destroy JuJu with that hit before or did Smith-Schuster have a couple good seasons after?

Ezekiel, I have no explanation. I thought the dude needed to eat.

Kyler looks pretty cool tho. Good for him.

(L) 68.32 - Bishop Sycamore Fantasy ...

(W) 94.38 - That's a Paddlin

Wow. Just a couple minutes into the first WFT game of the season and blammo: down goes the QB. Doesn't really look like anything got any better for Bishop Sycamore after that, either.

But before you resort to something rash and hilarious like everyone's favorite youtube streamer,

Just remember that a new week begins, and you're the commissioner so I'm pretty sure you can both change the score as well as grab whichever player you want off the waiver wire. For all I know, you routinely spend $500+ a year on the waiver wire because I don't do no counting.

Fuck them maths.

Anyway, for your lowest score of the week:

(oh and uhh, congrats on the win, team-who-also-played)

(L) 87.36 - Essential Twerkers

(W) 96.76 - Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

OH YEAH. IT'S WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE.

A matchup that was fun to follow. it got close throughout the afternoon but thankfully I was able to make the comeback win possible with Darrell Henderson Jr. pushing me over [extremely Roger Smeeth sounding voice from that old fuckin episode of South Park] Ro-bert Woo-ds 🎵

Good matchup, I noticed that Aiyuk fucked over a bunch of teams who decided to start him.

Oh. And fuck Sony. Samsung and LG for life.

Fin.

Take care duders. This was fun and hope I could get a couple toilet chuckles out of you - maybe even move some of that bowel, who knows. You're welcome for the medical assistance.

Jesus man, where the fuck did that go.

Have a good weekend and fuck off the waiver wire, that shit is mine.

Good luck this weekend, gents. Hope everyone fucks up their waiver wire, giving me a chance to clean up my absolute shit-show of a bench: extra defense, Gus, TY. Just nothing but IR and regret from starting the wrong defense.

Take care everyone. Stay safe, stay healthy, enjoy the upcoming fall, and let's fuckin rock this week 2. Hell yeah.

PS.

🤔 Curious.