Tim Wakefield

The Man

I know not everyone is a Red Sox fan. I'm sure plenty of you out there actually kinda sorta hate the Red Sox as an organization and team.

Understandable. A lot of us die-hard fans hated them too. Shit, Tom Yawkee was a racist pile of garbage whose obstruction cost the Red Sox decades of contention.

However, I'm fairly confident in assuming that no one really has any sort of ill-will towards retired player, Tim Wakefield. Some guys are just super likable. Even if they're on a rival team or one you don't really give two shits about, you still smile when they do well. Again, I'm fairly fuckin confident Tim Wakefield was that guy for the Red Sox for the 15+ years he played for that plucky squadron.

He meant the World to his teammates and fans.

Both as a player, and as a humanitarian:

The man was nominated by the Red Sox eight times, and in 2010 finally won the prestigious Robert Clemente Award.

Since 2004, Wakefield has been actively involved with the nonprofit "Pitching in for Kids," which provides grants to improve the lives of children across the New England region and encourages kids to participate in special events to learn important life skills and the spirit of helping others in a community. Fundraisers co-hosted by Wakefield have helped raise nearly $1 million.

The Player

Only two Red Sox players in Major League Baseball history have more wins in a Red Sox uniform than Tim Wakefield:

• Cy Young
• Roger Clemens

One of which died before Major League Baseball integrated, and the other would readily be excommunicated from the team's history if put up to a fan vote.

He may not have had the greatest numbers (200 wins, 180 losses, 4.41 ERA) but he was a true Boston Red Sox player (not like those stupid fake scotsmen).

A dirt dog.

Like I mentioned before, he was adored by teammates,

He was adored by those who watched him,

Tim and his knuckleball are exactly what people reference when they ask, "how can you not be romantic about baseball?"

To watch him pitch was like watching an astronomical event. It was never the same each time, but it was always awe-inspiring. Sure, sometimes a stray meteor would take out part of the Eastern Seaboard and Wake would give up six home runs, tying a 64-year old MLB record - but because Baseball is so fucking stupid sometimes, he would still get the win.

The Knuckleball

"What is a knuckleball??" You ignorantly ask like some idiot?

It's a pitch that has no rotation, so it just catches little gusts here and there causing some of the fucking wildest paths a ball can take from the pitching mound to home plate, 60 feet and 6 inches away.

Hitters were left mystified.

Catchers would have to work overtime chasing down wild knucklers that would escape their gloves

And Tim's was so devastating when it was dancing, he could rely on a fuckin fastball that was just 70 miles per hour and traveled in the straightest fucking line you ever did see.

Highlights and more

So before I get to a couple youtube videos, I just wanted to share how happy that guy made me feel while watching him play as a Red Sox player. The dude was untouchable - and not just when he was on the mound, he was genuinely a player that no one ever criticized. Sox fans could find reasons to shit on literally anyone and everyone who had ever put on a uniform. Yaz, Papi, Pedro, Manny, anyone.

But everyone kept Tim's name out they fuckin mouth. The man was selfless and always held himself accountable.

It's a god damn shame his final days had to be dominated by a complete shitstain of a human, so I just hope that Tim, his family, and his friends were able to all share his final moments together with love and as much happiness as they could muster.

Anyway, enough of that, feel free to scope out some of these neato videos:

Damn Kids

Back in my day, you treasured what you got. Did you go out and come up with a new meme to suit whatever whims you wake up with? No, you took the memes your parents enjoyed and had to stomach that bullshit until you were able to bend them to your will. Being 18-39 used to fuckin mean something, it was a rite of marketing passage. Now, you have a meme live for six months before it's considered old and tired.

And what about drugs, huh!? Kids nowadays can just go up to whatever dispensary and walk out with the finest god damn buds this side of the Mississippi without breaking a sweat. And not only buds (which they call "flower" now), but you can get THC oils, edibles, something they fuckin call shatter - it's all insane. When I was a teenager, we had to make our own god damn edibles - and it required us to actually fucking learn how to bake brownies overselves.

Lost is the art of having a god damn dealer that was as unreliable as that old Indiglo Ironman watch that you went swimming with one too many times. When I wanted a bag of weed, I had to spend hours connecting with my dude, go over to his place, and then just sit around the apartment for what felt like eternity, playing games, making strained small-talk, and watching Half Baked for the 48,103rd time, while waiting for a fucking phone call.

You ever have to wait two fucking hours in a parking lot of a closed Market Basket grocery store to get 5 sugar cubes of LSD? NO. You just head on over to Salem to grab some legal fucking psychedelic mushrooms. Or you contact your delivery person and they come on over with whatever drug of the day they have.

Then when we'd actually get our weed it would smell like fucking hay or some shit, and have a bunch of orange hairs which I learned has nothing to do with potency.

AND WE'D BE RIGHT BACK THERE THE NEXT WEEKEND GOD DAMN IT.

Fuck off, Andy

So now these damned kids (and their music) have gotten their grubby, sticky, snotty hands all over our National Football League!

First it was the Nickelodeon game - which I have to admit, was kinda neat - and now it's this mother fucking Toy Story Sunday Funday game!?!?

What the fuck was that shit!?

It's fucking Sunday, I'm old and have lower back problems so I wake up hungover as fuck after drinking to drown my pain the night before, Rachel helps remove my sleeping mask,

I go to the fridge and dig out my pre-prepared breakfast,

And all I want is a nice early dose of Football played across the god damn pond.

BUT I CAN'T FIND THE FUCKING GAME. It's 930am god damn it, the day is wasting away, WHERE IS THE GAME?

Then it hits me like the 8% Double IPAs I was chugging down the night before: It's on Disney+

What the fuck? Did I misread? What the fuck? It's being played in Andy's Room!?!? What the fuck does that mean? Where is that!?

Once I put out my breakfast, I grab the remote and get that shit on the TV because like most assholes, I'm subscribed to every fucking streaming service from Netflix to VH1+, and I'm being bombarded with the dumbest fucking shit I've seen on TV since Episode 1 of Season 2 of Special Forces (although Tara Reid attempting to smuggle in 4 packs of cigarettes was fucking outstanding).

Yeah .. cute. But the glitches that started the game were pretty fucking brutal

They'd keep showing the god damn broadcasters with dead air while the game would be going on behind them. I knew something was probably wrong when Rachel even started yelling at the TV "TO SHOW THE FUCKING GAME" (I'm so proud of her).

Could you imagine betting $500 on the Jags and this was the only stream you could watch. I DEFINITELY COULD. FUcK.

Redemption

OK OK OK, I don't need to be so mean. It's a fucking cool idea and great technology. And it did make for some pretty amazing fucking clips,

Yeah. It improved itself throughout the game, and it's frankly kind of fucking incredible what they were able to do. I can't even imagine what kind of ridiculous skins we'll be able to swap in and out of in the future. Can you imagine a Smash Brothers edition where all 22-players were different Smash Characters?

I'm sure the NFL is lickin' their chops thinking about how they can sell this product and force us to have to buy individual player skins if we don't want to watch games with the same player model? ...oh wait, fuck, that'd suck so much.

..but throughout it all.. I couldn't help but wonder what Sid would do if he were there,,

NFL

Oh shit that's right, I should get to this week's games!

Lions @ Pack

As someone going against David Montgomery in multiple leagues:

And good god, there were audible "Let's go Lions" chants at Lambeau. Curley, Vince, Bart, and Favre have got to be rolling in their god damn graves.

Failcons @ Jaggin' off

So. Uhh. Can they just start Bijan at quarterback?

I already showed clips earlier, so I'm just going to reiterate:

The Falcons have picked three very good if not outstanding offensive weapons in the last three drafts. Get that team a fucking quarterback who doesn't just eat their own boogers.

Lolphins @ Bill's

I believe due to the results of this game, Buffalo has also been credited a bonus win against the Broncos.

What a complete stomping by the Bill's. That fucking team has wins of,

• 38-10
• 37-3
• 48-20

And one loss to Aaron Rodgers.

Donkeys @ Brrs

CONGRATS BEARS: YOU JUST LOST TO THE 2023 BRONCOS!

Chicago fans are something else. They were probably the only ones who saw the Broncos show up and have the utmost confidence that Denver was not going to out-tank them.

How much more obvious could it be when Eberflus puts in 110% to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory when he doesn't fucking go for that field goal. That shit was wild.

Baldimore @ Borowns

I don't know how else to describe it, so I'll just demonstrate via the only form of communication I understand:

DTR was a fuckin clown show at QB, holy shit.

The kid's got spirit, I'll give him that. And he's 10000x the athlete I could ever dream of being..

But holy shit balls,,

WHO WAS HE THROWING TO!?

Bungles @ Tittans

Holy fuckin shit. I swear to God, those poor Cincy fans have to be pretty shook right now,

Thankfully they have plenty of grizzled Bungle vets to guide them through these difficult times,

However, on the bright side it looks like WE GOT TRACTORCITO SEASON IN FULL SWING!!

Rams @ Lolts

I guess this puka guy is for realsies, huh?

Not sure it you've heard about it in between all the TayTay talk - WHICH WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE JESUS CHRIST THEY WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS FUCKING KID GOOD LORD.

PS. Richardson is really fuckin fun to watch.

Buccos @ NO

And let Jameis free! LET THAT MAN COOK

immediately throws interception

Football team @ ELGSES

And fuck man, I swear if I hear someone talk about the god damn mother fucking "Tush Push" play and wanting to make it illegal one more time, I'm going to make sure you and everyone you care about gets sent to this fucking east bumfuck village,

Vikes @ Pound Kitties

29 had a personal vendetta against Kirk

Check out this stat for all you live-betters:

The Panthers are 0-54 in the last 54 games where we’ve trailed at any point in the 4th quarter

And no. I have not confirmed that shit. What the fuck, I'm not some nerd.

Stillers @ Texans

Stroud Boys: Stand down and stand by.

How the fuck could a young Quarterback be this good already? And for the fuckin Texans of all teams??

I'm mainly including this because whatever that shade of red (Battle Red) happens to be, is so fucking aeshetically pleasing it brings a tear to my fucking eye.

Vegas @ LAClippers

Just a couple of slapdick head coaches doing their best to out dipshit each other.

It's like watching two dogs competing to answer a handful of math questions. Completely outmatched by a third party entity, and in the case of Staley and McDaniels that would be the game of football.

Perhaps the only person stupider was Jerry Tillery for this late-as-fuck hit on Herbert,

How stupid do you have to be to pull this sort of shit literally right in front of the entire opposing team? There should absolutely be a rule that if you end up in the white of your opponent's sideline area, they can grab you and keep you from re-entering the game.

Pastriots @ How bout dem Cowboys

Welp.

That was fucking terrible.

Like holy shit, Belichick got outsmarted on a special teams play by fuckin giant human thumb Mike McCarthy.

This is fucking trash. Absolutely fucking garbage bullshit. Mac Jones sucked complete fuckin shit jesus christ. I'M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND WATCHING THIS TEAM COMPLETELY SHIT ITSELF EVERY WEEK.

Oh well, at least there's always ol' faithful,

STL Cards @ 9ers

And any of you wanting any of CMC's four touchdowns, fuck off. I got my ass absolutely fucking destroyed because I faced him in too many leagues this week. That handsome asshole can fuck himself.

Chefs @ Jest

WELCOME TO SWIFTFEST 2!

Yet another game where we got to see a showcase of America's celebrity cream of the crop! With our Queen, Tay Tay showing off her latest project to the rest of the country,

And like any good girlfriend, she even advocates for him when things just aren't going his way!

Always nice to see the men of the game recognizing the women they care about,

It's kind of wild, despite Aaron not being there under center, this fucking game still drew 27 million god damn watchers. The highest number since the Super Bowl. Fucking insane shit.

AND THAT'S WITH COMPLETE FUCKING BULLSHIT REFEREEING! LIKE HOLY SHIT, THE END OF THE GAME WAS COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT!

God damn. These Jets have had to deal with enough.

FUCK. A LOSS.

Here's your fucking recaps you fucks.

L - 94.08 (1-3) The Bryce is Right

W - 104.34 (2-2) I'm Thinkin' RBs

So RBs goes 1-1 against the Joes; an average outcome.

The man is riding high on the Miami offensive train, even though the team itself got completely shellacked by the Bill's.

Bryce is Right was kept alive by Justin Herbert despite his (and his coach's) best attempts at demonstrating why you never trust the fucking Chargers, and by the seemingly immortal Justin Jefferson.

So how about that Jahmyr Gibbs guy? The fuck they draft him with a top ten pick for?? They never feed him the ball at any consequential points in any game so far. He has no point. He is irrelevant.

L - 103.9 (1-3) Everywhere Roll Tide

W - 130.16 (3-1) The Super Wicked Problems

Derrick Henry has finally showed up, and acted as a better quarterback than that Patrick Mahomes shitbag. The fuck is Patrick's deal, huh? Playin like some slapdick. What a loser.

The Super Wicked Problems don't actually seem like they have any. This fucker has points pouring out his asshole through Jalen, Khalil, Puka, DJ Moore .. wait .. DJ Moore is scoring points now?? The fuck is happening.

Oh, and look, the Cowboys defense. Fuckin asshole Patriots. Fuck, what a garbage performance. Man fuck off with this 130 points.

W - 121.7 (3-1) It's a Tide Ad

L - 99.12 (1-3) Broncos Country - Let's Be Snide

Oh cool. More 110+ point showings. Yeah sure, anyone can top the century mark when you get 65 from two fucking players. Holy shit, I had no idea Allen and Diggs fucked around and scored a million points again. At least it was against that asshole Dolphins team. Fuckin McDaniel getting too big for his britches when really, all he's made up of is a bunch of bitches. Fuckin candy-ass-uniform-having dolphins.

Whoa. Jags D/ST scored 21!? Fuck.

Oh shit, 78+ from three players would definitely give someone the false confidence of like,,, 10 men - something that only binge drinking a 12-pack could really do.

And just like that kid, they were both just moments from disaster.

L - 71.4 (2-2) The Helen Keller Exorcists

W - 83.18 (3-1) Sunstroke Serenaders

You know. Maybe The Helen Keller Exorcists is actually the exorcised form of Helen Keller given how they can't fucking see the victory right in front of their fuckin nose. Team plays with the strategic mind of an Eberflus and Staley who've been merged into a singular pile of fuckup.

Really saved Sunstroke Serenaders from being completely embarrassed for leaving AJ Brown and his 29 points on the bench. Serenaders truly snatched victory from the jaws of defeat who originally ate a W.

W - 81.64 (3-1) Australian Heath Ledgers

L - 57.32 (1-3) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

Holy mother of God. Australian Heath Ledgers just stumbled into this matchup against San Diego SaQanon Barkleys like,

W - 133.7 (2-2) The Koi Pond

L - 90.76 (2-2) Neon Dion DeSantis

Man. What the fuck. 133 fucking points? For fucking real??

I can't believe I had a fucking chance this week, and of course I'm let down by everyone but Big K,

Kirk Dipshit Cousins: sucks.
Tyler Lockett: fucking sucks.
Steelers D/ST: what the fuck, sucks.

Going against this fucking Christian McCaffrey shitbag is fucking stupid. And of course, Ravens got to go against a fucking NESCAC-quality qb in DTR. He didn't even fucking need it but Richardson came back and put up 29+.

Fuck this bullshit, I'm getting my things and getting the fuck outta here.

Fin.

And with that, week 4 is in the books along with Oktoberfest!

I hope everyone had a wonderful time this week, and enjoyed boozin' it up for the last 3 (?) weekends! May all your Steinholdings yield fruit, and your week 5 lineups be true.

While we just got done with a heatwave in the Northeast, this upcoming weekend is going to be fuckin nuts with changing colors. So any leafers out there, I highly suggest making a couple sandwiches, grabbing a 4-pack of some craft beer, maybe grabbing a bowl and some buds, and driving north to check out those colors, man.

And for all the rest of you jokers, have a wonderful weekend however you decide to spend it. I know I'm going to enjoy some leaves. Do some yard work. Gain a couple thousand calories through beer. And make some wings on Sunday.

Just like the lord above, Superman, intended.

Love you guys, take care out there!