Post title

Sorry for bein so late with the column. Stupid god damn Amazon goes down and it keeps me from being able to do fucking do anything.

I couldn't drink water,

I couldn't watch any god damn TV,

I couldn't cook anything on my grill,

I couldn't accept the terms of service on my oven and prepare food there either,

I couldn't even get to sleep because my bed was cooking me alive,

Thankfully, I could rely on just sleeping on the floor to get me through the chaos since I've left it disconnected from the internet.

NFL shit

Enjoy a little soundtrack while we get this shit started,

HE. COULD. GO. ALL. THE. WAY.
RUMBLIN' BUMBLIN' STUMBLIN'
CURTIS "MY FAVORITE" MARTIN

Ok. I'm warmed up. Let's go,

TNF

We begin our week 7 from heaven with the mighty Immunized Stillers of Yinzerland visiting the seemingly Bungle-filled city of Cincy.

But wait, it looks like the modern day Joe Cool has arrived in the form of Mr. ELITE:

The Pittsburgh defense stood no chance against the spry-looking ageless wonder - no I'm not talking about "you done fucked up" A-A-Ron Rodgers.

Joe threw the game of his young 40-year-old life, and carried the Bengals to an incredible win in the Holy-fuck-we-are-all-so-fucking-old Bowl.

Sunday Morning bullshit

To London-town we go next where we thought we'd finally get a decent game with only the third such matchup between two teams over .500 across the pond that those Great Britain crumpet-munchin teabaggers have ever seen.

And instead of something good, this piece of shit game was over in the first fucking quarter.

Matthew Statpadford showed off that even in his old age, he can toss around some great natural tiddies. And in a move straight out of Total Recall, Davante Adams grabbed 3 of them.

Aint's @ Brrss

As we travel back to the not-so-United States as of late, we land in Midway where Italian Beef reigned supreme over poboys for the day.

Sure, I may not have watched a single moment of this game, but from looking at the statline, it would appear that Caleb is an absolutely maddening specimen of talent and painted fingernails. Every Sunday the Superfans of Chicago consider themselves Swifties, but not of the skinny partnerless variety.

(please don't come at me taylor swifties, I'm scared of you)

Dolphins @ Browns

We travel just a hop-skip-and-a-jump to the Factory of Sadness where the horrors of Tua Sucksallova and "Bob" Dillon Gabriel make me want to kill myself with a tamborine, man.

This has to be the end of Michael McDanny. His head coaching career just has to have reached the limits like his capri pants trying to strain across his chicken-leg shins.

Greatriots @ Tittans

We move south of the Mason-Dixon line to the only Ten-I-see or care about: Drake Maye.

I know this may sound like a broken record, but the mother fucking Greatriots are back. No I don't care that they have literally played against teams that would otherwise be relegated if this were a Premier League - and I will continue to not care until we hit the playoffs and I have deluded myself into thinking we can win the whole god damn thing.

Let's go B's I mean P's!

The more things change they more they stay the same: can't wait to see the Colts and Pats in the AFC Championship game.

Oakland Rrrrrrrrrraiders @ Chefs

Let's travel on to the Midwest kingdom of Benign Brisket and Barbeque Rubs that Jesus would die for.

While it would look like the Superbowl window for the Buffalo Bluecows has slammed itself shut, there are a collective few who refuse to pass the torch to the newer generation of competitors: and those few are the motherfucking Chiefs.

Geno "football terrorist" Smith continues his self-imposed internal jihad against any sort of justification that he is worth the salary he is being paid. Every week the Seattle Seahawks look like the Oracle from Minority Report by cutting the man loose before he brought upon this intifada.

Holy shit, the Raiders fucking suck. How did the Patriots lose to this team??

Panthers @ Jest

Iggles @ Vikes

In a move that anyone could have predicted, Jalen Hurts had an incredible game this week since my wife finally decided to bench his ass in favor of Big Dak Energy. AJ Brown has finally put his twitter fingers to good use and fondled up a couple of clutch tiddies - which must have felt like the big bags of sand Saquon must have strapped to his legs because holy shit, why the fuck can this dude not get the same production this year??

The Vikings are struggling mightily - for each of the six red zone trips, they would get lost and end up trapped in Wentzylvania.

I'm sure the team can't wait for JJ to return, excepet for the fact that he also fuckin sucks.

GEEEE Men @ Donkeys

To Mile High we go where for three quarters, the Giants enjoyed a very productive outing, scoring a touchdown in every quarter - but as if the writing was more obvious than a Goosebumps plot twist, the missed PAT and 2pt conversions just had to rear their ugly head later in the game somehow, right? RIGHT??

That they did, but in a worse way than anyone could have ever predicted possible.

After scoring an unprecedented 33 points in the fourth quarter to lead his time to a win, Bo "Kevin Malone" Nix was quoted as saying, "why score in four quarters when one do trick?"

With any fucking combination of the two missed PATs and a missed 2pt conversion that could have been the difference in this matchup, Brian "gave" Daboll and da game away with his poor coaching.

Windiana Jones and the Harbaugh of Doom

While I may have no idea where I was going with that title, I think we can finally claim the Colts are rising up the ranks of legitimacy. Their defense is great. Their offense is great. Their special teams are present. Daniel Jones is playing out of his mind and Jonathan Taylor Touchdown is playing at MVP levels.

Derspite a sweet game by Justin "Herbert's Candies" where he played like he was the lone air traffic controller at LAX the Colts made them look even stupider than they already appeared while wearing full-on dipshit yellow uniforms. Banish those atrocities to color rush.

Commanders @ Dallas

Down we go to Jerryworld where Jayden Daniels continues to regress to the mean, while Dak whipped out his CeeDeez Nutz and put on a show that would be determined illegal in 28 states. Over his last four games, Dak has 1,081 yards, 13 TDs, 0 INTs, and a 128.1 rating. Obviously he fucking sucks and the Cowboys failures are all on him.

Some would say that Romo walked so Dak could run, but we all know Romo stepped on a crack and broke is back so Dak could be under attack.

Washington now has to prepare for an absolute assblasting at the hands of the Chiefs next Monday night.

Pack @ Wolfpack

Kyler Murray inactive just two days after the Battlefield 6 release??

Well, it didn't matter because we had the ever delicious Jacoby Briskett on the menu for the Cardinals. The man played incredibly well, but unfortunately Micah "birthing" Parsons had himself the game all of Green Bay has been waiting for like it was a bowl of cheese curds and mashed brats heating on their backyard tire fire.

We've come a long way from the Wolfpack pic shared from almost 10-years ago, and I don't know about you but I hate it.

Buccos @ Loins

I've been waiting all Monday for Monday Night, and it came and delivered .. a couple of fucking terrible games. Ironic, we started with trash on Sunday morning, and we ended with trash Monday night.

With a defense of complete unknowns cobbled together in a cave with masking tape, playing cards, and streamers, the Legion of Whom played an incredible game against who many have called a front-runner for MVP in "Shake and" Baker Mayfield.

The best part of this game was the 7pm start time. Although the 10pm start for game two was a fucking war crime.

Texans @ Seattle

Well, at least one team from Seattle didn't their hearts absolutely ripped out from their asshole last night. Unfortunately, it wasn't nearly as watchable as the one that took place in the city most Americans think is the northern most MLB city who hosted the team that is actually the northern most MLB team.

Some would say this was a great memorial to the now deceased PAC-12 After Dark, but most would consider it a nightmare worth sleeping through.

RECAP TIME

I know I say this every fucking week, but you're going to have to take this with a bit of salt. This was a brutal week that included me spraining my fucking thumb while stirring up some cauliflower tots for the toddler. Getting old blows, and having more obligations like house, work, family, and a Warhammer addiction means less time for memery and learning new vulgar words.

W (4-3) Pee on your Lamb-n-Rice
L (3-4) Ceedeez nutz

I CAN'T KEEP FUCKING TRACK OF ALL THE NAME CHANGES MOTHERFUCKING BACHELOR-FROG-HAVING-AVATAR GUY. I think this is the team name you rocked this week, Pee on your Lamb-n-Rice but ultimately who the fuck cares because in a god damn shocking display you scored 144.34 points, which is absolutely insane.

And that's with Jared "not going" Goff with a pedestrian 10.34 points.

Did we change the scoring rules or something? Holy fuck what the shit:

• Jahmyr Gibbs 33.8 points
• AJ Brown 24.1 points
• Davante Adams 21.5 points
• Oronde Gadsden II 22.4 points

That's fucking insane, and if I were a man with more time on their hands, I'd try to figure out if that's the most a team's ever scored in this league's history.

Brutal way to lose for Ceedeez nutz given that he did fuckin incredibly as well with topping 126 points. Life isn't fair. And fantasy is just fucked.

W (6-1) I'm Thinkin' RBs
L (4-3) Roll Tide

Speaking to a more mortal outcome, I'm Thinkin' RBs' modest performance was all that was needed to secure a win against Roll Tide whose roster is the embodiment of when it rains it pours - and in this case, it wasn't raining points, just bullshit.

• Ashton Jeanty fell short because the Raiders fucking suck and the Chiefs do not
• Woody Marks is part of a completely disappointing Texans team who were supposedly playoff contenders, but instead are just fucking shitheads
• Matthew "fool's" Golden had no shine
• Rashid Shaheed only performs every three weeks (on the bright side, week 8 should be a big one from him)
• David Montgomery is sadly, not Gibbs
• Butker is an asshole

Better luck in week 8, unless you happen to be going against me, in which case I wish you to have less than any luck.

Now, I hate to focus on the negatives, so I'm Thinkin' RBs, I just want to laude you for surviving a week where you have so many fucking 0.0's on your bench it's kind of mind bottling. Sucks to have a player as incredible as Garrett Wilson not knowing who the fuck is going to be remotely capable of getting him the ball in week 8.

W (3-4) Broken ICE Machine
L (1-6) San Diego ICE ICE Babies

Now, I don't want to show any bias as a rabble rouser myself who thinks that I.C.E. is nothing but a modern day brown shirts movement - and no, not like the S.S. because the S.S. were actually a lot more strict in allowing who could join as well as demonstrating a lot of organization and training. But I do hope that much like their historical analogues, they're Nuremberg'd out of existance -

Now. I realize that San Diego ICE ICE Babies don't have any sort of connection with the modern day Gestapo that is I.C.E., and that like the rest of us teams they're just having some good ol' fun. I mean, it's not like I'm a huge supporter of DeSantis, I'm just playing off the fact that his middle name is Dion.

That said, I love rooting against anything that has even a remote reference to ICE:

• San Diego ICE ICE Babies
• ice hockey
• polar ice caps
• icee's

They can all go to hell, so good on Broken ICE Machine despite the fact that I'm still on the fence if I'm rooting for them despite the context of their team name. Remember, if it has ICE, it must melt.

L (3-4) Sunstroke Serenaders
W (7-0) The Super Wicked Problems

Sunstroke Serenaders had a chance going into Monday Night Football with Rachaad White and Amon-Ra St. Brown - but thanks to that dipshit White, that chance disappeared into fat air.

Welp, I kind of am at the end of my free time to write these so I'll have to be super fuckin brief for the remaining. My bad - I did not plan this week out that well.

Congrats on the incredible and undefeated The Super Wicked Problems. You fuckin jerk.

L (1-6) Australian Heath Ledgers

W (3-4) Neon Dion DeSantis

Hmm. How can I quickly get through this recap?

I know, I'll post my way through it!

Fin.

Welp. Finally, week 7 can be officially declared dead and gone. Get ready for week 8 and the BYEmageddon that it will bring forth (there's like, 18 teams on BYE give or take a dozen) and especially get ready for the home stretch of Spooky Season! We got 7 more days until Halloween and the beginning of fucking November, holy shit. That was fucking fast.

So stay safe out there, keep your ass warm and out of the jackpot, and definitely take care of yourself. Much love to all you motherfuckers, and as always - I hope you all lose.

PS. Stay away from any NBA-player-hosted poker games for a little bit

WE DOUBLIN' UP TODAY