Playin' solitaire 'till dawn with a deck of 51

Thanksgiving

Yeah. I should have fuckin bitch n moaned about Thanksgiving and all its fixings in the previous column that I literally fucking published on Thanksgiving 2021.

But fuck you, this is now the official Thanksgiving 2021 Recap.

Sure, I didn't even get invited to everyone's Turkey Day celebrations, but I was sent a couple pics. I've been to a few Friendsgivings. And actually, I attended two different Turkey Dinners. So I consider myself something of an authority now.

The first one was pretty great, I got to actually catch like 60-70% of the first two NFL games while being there. Usually, there's very little NFL watching; occasionally I've been able to steal some moments with the TV on - and way back when, my grandparents would just leave their TV on the Thanksgiving Day game. It was pretty important to me since it was really the only chance I could reliably catch me some Barry fuckin Sanders.

Anyway, it was super fuckin rad to have the game right there while making small talk with Rachel's family. Occasionally I'd get asked about my opinion on something NFL related, and other times it'd be something not NFL related. The range in conversation was a sight to behold.

As far as the food went, we had some delicious turkey and stuffing, obviously mac n cheese (BOOOOO), a green bean casserole, and instead of mashed taters we had mashed cauliflower (delicious alternative). We also had a couple ringers that showed up in the form of grilled ribs and chicken. Both were fucking delicious and an absolute joy to include on the Thanksgiving plate.

To top it all off, there was the classic Thanksgiving-walk-after-dinner. Was able to catch a beautiful Kingston (MA) sunset.

Overall, the only bad thing about the whole time there was being forced to watch the god damn Bears at Lions game. What a god damn pile of shit. I'd give it five thumbs up.

The next Thanksgiving was on a different day, and it was with the parents! Mom's not contagious no more! It was quite the adventure nonetheless for I was the one tasked with carvin the turkey. I do it once a year and I think I'm getting better (I follow the Church of Cut off Each Turkey Titty as a large chunk, then I cut servings) each year.

Had three different kinds of stuffing (one baked with turkey, one that's vegan, one that has sausages but baked outside the turkey), squash, cabbage, mashed taters, and turkey of course.

Loved it all. Couldn't get enough of it. And especially it was nice to see the whole family. We're definitely a little weathered, but it's time to start enjoying this god damn holiday season.

Plus I got a dog-treat advent calendar. I'm pretty fuckin pumped.

I score this: seven thumbs up!

Mac n Cheese

Speaking of awesome Patriots players,

This Judon guy fuckin rules. I love his god damn look out there,

I'm not the only one.

But yeah anyway,

I fuckin love this guy. He makes so much fuckin sense, and I don't care if he isn't a full-blooded cheese hater like myself because I know that this cause needs as many allies as possible. If I can get Judon on board with ridding the world of mediocre Mac n Cheese, maybe Mac n Cheese as a whole can take a huge hit and stop torturing poor kids.

I remember visiting some fast casual mac n cheese fucking restaurant. You chose your noodle type, cheese, some other shit, and you'd get it made and given to you on a cast-iron skillet. Looked pretty fuckin rad and it fuckin pissed me off that I would hate the taste of anything made there.

It's a bitch to get seats and I remember there was a group of people leaving a rather large table so of course, my group started making our way to help clean up and sit down. Well, while taking care of stuff I noticed one girl who had a classic hangry stankface and nothing in front of her except two cookies in plastic. Boy did I recognize that fuckin look: she hated cheese.

Don't think I'll ever forget asking her, "don't like cheese?" And her looking up and nodding, almost like we shared a moment of understand. Her thinking optimistically that I'm about to impart some wisdom as a cheeseless sage.

So like any 27-year-old after a couple beers, I remarked "yeah it totally sucks."

It was very important to me that she understands the absolute futility of not liking cheese.

Fuck Mac n Cheese. So jealous at every single one of those sleepovers where the parents would make a tub of mac n cheese for the kids. I'd eat like,, nothing. Parents probably wondered how I could be my size despite not eating any dinner. It was really simple: I usually fuckin do and I'm fucking starving now.

That's why I always loved Neil Ozzie's family (not to brag, but the dad was that Ozzie who was CEO of Microsoft - that family was fuckin loaded). The mom would always notice if I didn't maybe like something and would go so far as to get me a fuckin McD's cheeseburger to get me fed during sleepovers. Sure, we separated ways after second grade or some shit, but it was fun while it lasted.

In conclusion,

Hooray: Neil's mom
Boo-urns: Mac n Cheese

Turkey Day Games

Bears vs. Lions

I don't know why. Maybe it's because they're such a lovable bunch of dipshit losers. Maybe it's because that franchise started the whole NFL Football on Thanksgiving tradition,

Maybe I decided to root for the Lions this game because of those incredibly fond memories of watching Barry Sanders perform; he seemingly scored 3 touchdowns and ran for 180 yards every Turkey Day, even though I realize that's just nostalgia warping my memories. Kinda. He did run for 3 tiddies one year:

I just remember it was really fun to watch him play, then John Madden would give him one of those spider-turkey legs,

Whatever the reason. I feel like a lot of America rode with me along the Detroit Lions decrepit pile of shit bandwagon. And good fucking god damn I couldn't stand it. I don't know if it was because, as a Patriots fan, I have a certain standard in what I expect from certain coaching qualities.

And I kinda sorta yelled at the TV when this shit happened,

I feel serious fucking shame and disappointment after rooting for this fucking team,

I swear to God, Thanksgiving is actually a day of mourning in Detroit.

Raiders vs. Cowboys

The coin never lies. 11 for 11. Anthony Brown is a believer.

"What the fuck is this coin talk," you ask? Well, let me learn you somethin:

another source

So yeah. At this point, I say we just praise our new coin overlords and do our best to avoid any sort of violent repercussions from subversive actions.

I think it's kind of funny how the game had 28 combined penalties, but since it was the Raiders and Cowboys, I'm not in the least bit surprised. I've always thought of the Raiders as a historically over-flagged team, and right there were the Cowboys because who teh fuck knows.

Oh wait, I found this and had a chuckle: Anthony “Leon ‘Thanksgiving Day Game Disaster’ Lett” Brown.

Bills vs. Saints

Bills won, but at what cost? They lost their White (DB) supremacy. It's fuckin rough, it reminds me of when Jason Sehorn retired and it signified a much greater downfall in white defensive back supremacy, aka the cracka-assed cracka cornerback.

And this is the play that I fondly remember from the Semen Demon. What an asshole.

Excited to see this Bills team vs the Patriots on Monday Night.

I don't see why the Patriots won't be eating a W of their own come later Monday Night

Early Sunday Games

Bucs vs. Colts

Apparently I got a lot of notes about this game - one of the bigger notes was about how it had everything in it: offense, defense, special teams, shit I swear I might have even seen a coach at some point.

It must have been super refreshing for Tampa Bay to watch the other team beat themselves for once,,,

The Colts after taking a 24-14 lead into the third quarter:

• Fumble in field goal territory
• Interception at the Bucs 5-yard line
• 3 and out
• Picked off on the hail mary
• Allowed points in three of the Bucs four 2nd half possessions
• Outscored 24-7

Can't fucking believe Wentz threw it to the sidelines like some chode. YOU HAD A FUCKING TIMEOUT. TOSS IT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD YOU DICK.

Jets vs. Texans

9-8 is still on the menu.

Eagles vs. Giants

1-0 to start the Kitchens era! Looking forward to reminding Iggle fans that Justin Jefferson was picked right after Reagor.

Panthers vs. Dolphins

It would appear that the reports of the Panthers death are greatly accurate.

Tu'anon vs. Ï M ß Ä Ä Ä čk

How the fuck did this team beat the god damn Cardinals??

Titans vs. Greatriots

I hope everyone understands why we named the Bourne Bridge after this Kendrick kid. And not sure about all y'all, but this game felt closer than the score indicated ... although it wasn't? I seriously have no idea. I kept worrying about turnovers but the Titans' playcalling was as well-thought out as Project Orca.

To be frank, after expecting this Patriots rebuild to be like that throwaway, that wacky free agent fueled 2013 Red Sox season, and getting that full season of under .500 play.. It was suffering.

Pain.

So I feel rejuvenated. After our long, pain-filled absence, it's time to rise up again and reign for decades to come with McCorkle leading the way.

Or learn to use fitbits or some shit.

Whatever.

So Belichick, what's the Patriots record now?

Steelers vs. Bengals

Wafflesburger looks to be fuckin done good god.

Falcons vs. Jaguars

Cordarelle Patterson isn't just the real deal.

He's the only fucking reason to ever watch the Falcons. Shit, he might be so good he's the only reason you'd ever want to watch the Jaguars either.

Mother fucker had the Falcons' first fucking rushing play that went over 20 fucking yards this season. What a god damn pathetic fucking team. I know they have Matt Ryan, but they fuckin suck at passing the ball too.

PS. Jaguars fuckin suuuucks. Anyone out there know any good Urban jokes?

The rest of the fuckin games

Chargers vs. Broncos

What in the fuck is this Broncos team? Can anyone tell me? I hate that entire franchise with the fury of a thousand suns, so you won't be able to get an unbiased opinion from me other than they obviously must be fuckin cheating or something. They did it before with their salary cap and won a Super Bowl so of course I assume they'll want to pull some shenanigans again.

Mindless rambling aside, I read that there's actually a scenario where the Lions, Jaguars, Chargers, and Jets can all make the same playoffs.

Yeah. I don't have any evidence or maths or anything to prove it, but I find it food for thought.

It may be as empty as a rice cake, or it's as inedible as gasoline-soaked styrofoam .. but it's for thought.

Rams vs. Packers

God damn.

Green Bay really did just fuck around and sweep the entire NFC ~B~West. And fucking up a Matt Fratford-led team is a Packer tradition.

This fucking Rams roster: Built like an NBA team, soft like one too.

Felt so bad for this dude,

No need for shit like that during a Thanksgiving game. You gotta act all over-outraged when you're watching with family, or even more complicated: your girlfriend's family. Don't get me wrong, I hate any and all injuries in the NFL (I know, I'm very brave). I don't care if it's turf toe, a separated shoulder, a swollen knee, a brain bruise, whatever, they're all fucking terrible.

With that out of the way, with a lull in gameplay leading to a lull in conversation (I mean, it's tough to act jovial when there's some unusual injury), I took it upon myself to lecture everyone in that fucking room about how certain injuries come from bad form and bad mechanics, and that bad shit comes from terrible coaching.

Rachel's entire family now know about at least two coaches: Bill Belichick (obviously), and Dantera.

PS.

Vikings vs. 9ers

I wonder if Odell wishes he chose a better landing spot. The 9ers were supposedly in the running and holy shit they are in such better shape than the fucking Rams right now.

So everyone, can we take a sidebar?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to give a shout-out to NFL RedZone. Thank god damn Jesus himself for that shit. Without it, I'd have to suffer through Vilma as an announcer .. and supposedly he is fucking TRASH. So thank you, RedZone. I ride with Hansen for life.

Sidebar over.

Browns vs. Ravens

Just. Sit. Baker.
For the love of God.

This fuckin offense scored just 10 fucking points off of 4 turnovers. That's unbelievable. Actually, it's almost without precedent:

Cleveland blew a 52-0 streak* when opposing QBs throw four fucking interceptions.

*since 2015

MNF

"Who cares?"
- Mike Francesa

Super happy recap fun time

W - 94.82 (7-5) New Baby Daddy

L - 87.6 (6-6) It's a Tide Ad

Oh shit. Someone was going to walk away with hurt feelings and a .500 record, and it would appear that the Unverified Virgin is walking away with the loss and those wonderful prizes that go along with.

New Baby Daddy skirted through with a win this week despite no real standouts .. well, except Thielen. Seems like he's finally starting to consistently heat up after a weird and I want to say --- anti-vax start of the regular season? Ahh fuck it, that shit was so god damn long ago. At least two variants, anyway.

Congrats on the sex, and the win.

L - 72.9 (6-6) San Diego Super Marios

W - 117.0 (7-5) I'm Thinkin' RBs

I'm Thinkin' RBs is on a god damn fuckin tear and I am absolutely here for it. Thanks to wunderkinds Josh Allen and Cordarrelle Patterson, them RBs had most of the points he needed wrapped up and ready to fuckin go. Any ol' combination of D/ST and Kicker could then carry this fucker to the win.

Congrats, here's a holiday version of .. you?

L - 61.78 (6-6) The Super Wicked Problems

W - 68.16 (11-1) Australian SteveIrwins

Yo. What the fuck dude. Where the fuck do you get away with scoring god damn 68 fucking points in fantasy football and walk away with a fucking win?? You scored one of the lowest fucking totals of the week?

Me: WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?
Australian SteveIrwins:

I guess you don't get to 11-1 without having some outright lucky fucking shit swing you god damn fuckin way. And at least you aren't fucking kicking yourself for keeping. 21.0 points from a kicker on your bench?? What the fuck, two kickers? And you're 11-1?

Whatever. Congrats on the down and dirty win. It's encouraging to see a truly dominant team that can win at any level and any output.

You lucky fucker.

L - 80.8 (4-8) The Koi Pond

W - 106.3 (9-3) Everywhere Roll Tide

It's been a brutal last 6 weeks of WLWLWLW but at least that triple-decker dubwich begins and ends in the right way!

Speaking of brutal, The Koi Pond was absolutely mauled by the Cardinals Bye Week. Kind of amazing he still ended up scoring as much as he did. Good coaching, master motivator, it's not easy as a fantasy manager to get your roster of fantasy mercenaries to play above their abilities but it would look like the Koi Pond knows just the trick.

Well. Some of the trick.

Probably should learn more of it so he can like .. win.

Fuck yeah, Mac Jones! Why even hold onto Patrick Mahomes? Dude's just a hoarse-throated son of a baseball player. Fuckin soft as wet toilet paper. You gotta go with someone who's truly hard:

W - 113.72 (7-5) That's a Paddlin'

L - 58.78 (0-12) Team Effective Like Ivermectin

Oof. Well. If it's any consolation, even if you started Wentz you woulda gotten your shit completely pushed in anyway. At 0-12 there doesn't seem to be a pulse on Team Effective Like Ivermectin. I can only assume that they may be on some sort of life-support, not allowed to change the team name, in a medically-induced coma of some kind.

We hardly knew ye, Mr. 0-fer. Hopefully, you will rise again.

While we get to see the Happy Paddlin' pic again,

Damn Paddlin', you got some shit to work through to figure out the best running backs to start. One would think the obvious no-doubter would be Nick Chubb .. but not this fuckin week. God damn dude, good fuckin luck with that next week.

W - 97.98 (6-6) Shelbyville ShelbyvillianEssential Twerkers

L - 58.54 (3-9) Essential Twerkers

OOOH SHIT. I'M BACK TO .500 YOU MOTHER FUCKERS.

I know I'm in 8th place, but I think there's a chance I could sneak into the playoffs with maybe a win or two so fuckin hell duders, I'm god damn pumped. So let's fuckin go.

Hmm. Shit. Looks like AJ Brown is done and gone. Fuckin whoops. Looks like it's time to activate the Beasley. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, I got 14.1 fuckin points from Odell and 12.0 points from the Patriots.

I do declare: This Patriots D/ST is a fun one to hold onto. Hoping to see some more bullshit that most NFL fans will agree to fuckin hate. Of course, this makes me excited and possibly even horny.

Fin.

Sup folks, hope everyone had themselves a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and weekend. Definitely in my Mount Rushmore of Holidays, especially since it's non-denominational, it's heavily involved with NFL Football on tv, food is a huge part, and uhhh .. the dinner is supposed to be eaten earlier so you have the rest of the fuckin day to just chill the fuck out.

The events leading up to Turkey Day were far from ideal but who fucking cares (for now), we all survived and got to god damn binge on delicious food in celebration. I swear it tasted even better because of the trials and tribulations.

So take care everyone, I hope no one goes through that shit themselves or with their family - I want all of you to have a wonderfully festive holiday season.. or not if you'd rather keep it mellow. Much love, stay safe, stay healthy, get those boosters, watch out for anything from Omicron Persei 8.