Not garbage can't, garbage can

Happy Fuckin Halloween and All Saints Day and Dias de los Muertos! What a god damn trilogy of days. I don't think there's much of anything like it.

Speaking of spectacular, check out this incredible performance,

So what severity of CTE would you say this is?

Base-a-ball!

I'm torn. On one hand, we don't fucking go to these games (who am I kidding, I don't even watch).

Hah kidding around, we don't watch baseball for the umps. We shouldn't really know their fuckin names. We shouldn't have to deal with them acting like god damn Diamond Divas.

But I also love numbahs. I love nerd stats. I love the idea of anyone having a "Perfect Day" at where they work. Whether they're a barista and got zero orders wrong, nothing served too hot, nothing with too much ice.

Or maybe you update spreadsheets all day, and you managed to never need to ctrl+z and undo anything. You didn't once input data into the wrong cell.

Maybe you

...

I think I'm in favor of this form of Ump celebration. If they get lauded for being perfect? The fuck am I gonna complain for?

The Dork Knight

NO FUN LEAGUE TIME

Ravens @ Buccos

Denver Broncos @ London Jaguars

What the fuck. People actually woke up early to watch this game? I have a lot to say about the various time zones and how they affect football watching. Actually, I probably rant about it at least once a season. But just to at least touch on it, here's what the start times are:

• EST: 930am
• CST: 830am
• MST: 730am
• PST: 630am

Are there no fucking NFL fans on the west coast? Is this for fucking real?

Yes. Yes it is for real. I fuckin lived it for a couple of years. Fucking garbage bullshit.

Really, the only saving grace, is that probably every single game in London has sucked asshole. There was that Rams vs. Patriots game I wanted to catch, but I'd rather sleep so you can understand the bind I was in.

There were plenty of facets at play, but instead of delving in it - I'd like to share this very simple questionaire about NFL Timezonery: https://forms.gle/iXBSQQMiGBVqmBve8

Answer it as honestly as you can and I'll speak to the results, especially if I disagree with them.

Panthers @ Falcons

I can't wait to see the seismograph chart graph shit they always have for Falcons games. The end of the game always looks like someone who is getting their dick attacked by bees having their path transcribed with an etch-a-sketch. Love that shit.

And wouldn't you know it, here it is:

Resulting in quite the slew of division leaders,

Bears @ Cowboys

Justin Fields with the "business decision"

But really, kid looked great.

Dolphins @ Lions

As a Top Tier Power-Hater of the Dolphins, this was just fucking painful as hell. I really fucking want Detroit to fucking win some games and maybe even assert themselves in this fucking league.

God damn mother fucking TuAnon just keeps on chugging down there in Miami. Indiscriminantly picking up pure-blood fans from the broken-down Tampa Brady bandwagon, and most likely staying the fuck away from Duvall County.

Why would they not want all Florida fanbases? Simple:

• Duval County has a 904 area code
• First drop was 10/28/2017 (happy 5th year anniversary btw!)
• 904 days after the first drop, was 1/26/2018
• We are currently in 2022, shortened to '22
• If you subtract 20 days and then add 2 years to 1/26/2018: 1/6/2020
• Oh wait, add one more,
• And you get 1/6/2021 which we all know, was just a false flag. It wasn't real. It can't be proven. There are literaly zero pictures or video taken of this. It was staged by Antifa in conjunction with the Reverse-Vampires.

Ipso facto: Duval County isn't located in the United States. I have plenty of sources coming from smobserved dot com (Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox browsers will actually wipe any hyperlinks to the site, but those smoothbrains are no match to my workarounds).

We're through the looking-glass here people.

Cards @ Vikes

It's awesomely poetic that the Vikings won on back-to-back sacks on Jared Allen day. I gotta admit, there's a bit of nostalgia for that mustachiod & mulletted man.

I have nothing nice to say about the Cardinals. As mentioned earlier, I'm not a fan of their frachise aesthetic. And when I say not a fan, I would lead a crusade in order to wipe them from the planet as well as history books.

But hey, this Rondale Moore guy is pretty good at what he does,

Raiders @ Saints

I misse most every second of this game, but it would appear that the entire Raiders coaching staff did as well. What the fuck was that? 0 points?

Belichick Double Agent Theory at work right here. Although the Raiders really aren't that hated by the Patriots now that we had our revenge for the Phantom Roughing the Passer call in '76 (I remember it like it was yesterday), so I dunno why Belichick wouldn't be trying to do this to another franchise.

Colts and McDaniels made sense. The Broncos with .. well.. McDaniels made sense. The Texans with a slew of fellas, I guess made sense?

But the Raiders? Maybe Bill is pissed they left California.

Pats @ Jets

13th straight win.

Conklin is a fucking beast at wide receiver.

And there's plenty of other solid skill positions on that roster.

So you know what you gotta do, Jets:

TRADE FOR BRADY, YOU COWARDS.

Steelers @ Eagles

Steagles are reunited, once again.

Kind of a cool history.

This game, though? Yikes. How about we play this game:

Which team had only one play in the red zone?

Yep, you guessed it: The Eagles. And that's why they scor-... Wait what the fuck, 35 points?

Tities @ Texans

Everyone was talkin about how the Texans are pretty mushy, so you can rush on them. Makes sense that Tractorcito just stomped the life out of the Texans like good ol' fashioned American History X Curb Stomp.

Oh God. We have the Texans on this Thursday Night? Ewwww.

Commodes @ Colts

That Sam Ehlinger (spelling?) wasn't all that bad.

Good for him.

49ers @ Rams

1. What the fuck is Kupp doing out there!?!?
2. The Rams have no real fans.
3. CMC = good.

Giants @ Seahawks

The Geno Smith revenge tour continues.

A sentence that would have literally melted my brain if you showed this to me before week 1. Shit man, the crowd's fuckin chanting his name. He's a god damn legitimate MVP candidate this season. What the fuck is this timeline?

Geno is frankly, a terrible tank commander. He'd be great in the Russian armed forces.

(s/o to Carroll - I guess he's pretty, pretty, pretty good)

Packers @ Bills

The Packers covered. Not bad.

Bengals @ Browns

A couple years ago, this would be absolutely dreadful.

In 2022, it ended up being pretty close to dreadful.

I'll just describe this matchup with the help of a reddit user,

The Browns recently are basically Joe Exotic: we’re an alcohol-fueled disappointment of an organization that likes to abuse tigers
Source: ledforthehead

Recaps!

W - 125.14 (2-5) Deep Tissue Illuminati

L - 102.38 (4-3) It's a Tide Ad

Damn. New COD came out and it looks like Kyler got himself some new perks. Fucked 'em up with the god damn gunship kill streak it appears.

[JOE: Just fucking read the god damn mother fucking league chat. You clever mother fucker. Well memed, Loud-N-Stroud. Well memed.]

Fucking back to this stupid recap. Yeah whatever,

AJ Brown = beast.
Jaylen Waddle = basically beast.
????
125.14 pionts and a win!

Fuck if I know that delicious secret ingredient!

L - 64.14 (4-3) Australian SteveIrwins

W - 109.5 (4-3) Everywhere Roll Tide

Oh shit. A Battle of the Titans-of-yesteryear results in .. good lord, Everywhere Roll Tide absolutely smearing Australian SteveIrwins like some vegemite on a fresh piece of toast.

Shit. Everywhere Roll Tide could have won if he just started Tony Pollard and Derrick Henry, which is frankly completely fucking ridiculous. I mean.

What even gives you the right? 67.50 points? Really? How dare you, sir?

L - 95.14 (2-6) Sunstroke Serenaders

W - 124.66 (5-3) The Koi Pond

Looks like someone remembered how to WIN A GOD DAMN FUCKING GAME.

And since I don't want to do the math, I'll just assume that the points all line up and .. well .. Sunstroke claims another victim of "Benching a Win" with leaving enough points to have possibly won, on the bench.

With that said, as much as I'd love to play the game of "what if" of substitution, we could easily be talking about how The Koid Pond started CMC, Kamara, and D'Onta Foreman for a collective total of 97.86 points.

(For context, Foreman was on the bench, and if I'm going to assume the Serenaders playing with a different roster, I should consider that The Koi Pond also could have played with a different roster. Ipso facto: just shut the fuck up, Joe)

L - 72.98 (1-7) Stay Above the Equator

W - 73.88 (2-6) That's a Paddlin'

Neither score hit 75.

Both started at 1-6.

And yet, the references are out of mother. fucking. CONTROL. And because of this,

Gentlemen, we have ourselves one of the greatest battles of the season right here.

One that ended so stupidly. That's a Paddlin' got 3.5 points from Gabe Davis to keep the matchup very much in reach for Stay Above the Equator, who thanks to Joe Mixon's dominating 5.9 points, lost.

W - 106.78 (5-3) The Super Wicked Problems

L - 103.18 (5-3) I'm Thinkin' RBs

Holy hot shit. We got ourselves some grueling battles this week.

And yeah, despite the previous matchup being chock full o' nuts and gum Simpsons references, I think I may have to award this matchup,

This poor RBs team is gonna die buried under the points from his bench.

L - 64.52 (7-1) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

W - 136.84 (5-3) San Diego Loud-N-Stroud

Well. Week H8 continues with upset after fucking upset.

And fuck if I don't deserve to get dabbed on after dancing like I won the championship after last week,,,

Shit on my ass. God damn fucking loss. Fuck.

At least I got absolutely wtfbbqpwned. Loud-N-Stroud had 5 players with 20+? What the fuck? Yeah no thanks. I'll take the L and just move on. with my collective 0.2 points from Wide Receivers (thanks for the call out, Commish).

Oh fuck oh shit, power rankings too???

Kit Kats

1. ME STILL, YOU FUCKERS

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

2. San Diego Loud-N-Stroud

What the fuck are you doing up here? What? You've won four fucking games in a row? The the fuck outta heeere.

Milky Way

3. I'm Thinkin' RBs

One of the old-school GOATs. And perhaps my 1b. to twizzlers 1a.

Twizzlers

4. Everywhere Roll Tide

Probably my GOAT regular candy, but within a Halloween context? Down here.

Snickers

5. The Koi Pond

Good shit, but just not Milky Way good.

M&Ms

6. The Super Wicked Problems

Ya gotta score more points. You gotta build up that tie-breaker.

Candy Corn

7. It's a Tide Ad

Don't let the loss get you down, you're in a spot with perfectly delicious treats. I fuckin love candy corn. The Jellybean of October.

Mounds

8. Australian SteveIrwins

I feel like it gets a decent amount of bad press, but this shit is god damn fantastic. Dark chocolate? yes. Coconut? YES.

Crunch Bar

9. Deep Tissue Illuminati

Mr. Win Streak over here.

Smarties

10. That's a Paddlin'

I guess I overvalue win streaks. But not by much.

Tootsie Roll

11. Sunstroke Serenaders

Four-game losing streak. Awful treat.

Necco Wafer

12. Stay Above the Equator

What the fuck kind of chalk candy is this? How the fuck did this get sold?

Fin.

Hey! We did it! Fuck yeah!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween, maybe binged a little here or there, possibly imbibed some delicious beverages. Whatever you gotta do to keep yourself spooky. I myself went as a construction worker, and fit four nice beers in my tool belt. Worked flawlessly.

Looking forward, you better get yourselves preppin' for that Turkey day (oh fuck we're hosting) if you so choose to celebrate it. Otherwise, whatever, you do you.

Much love to you all, hope everyone enjoys their week 9 and takes care.