So I spent so much time coming up with these cryptic matchup titles, I kinda just didn't leave myself enough time to actually troll the information superhighway enough to steal memery and share it here.

Which is probably for the best given that you've all probably seen't the ones worth viewing by now. And if you haven't, then you probably don't enjoy fun anyway.

With that, let's kick this fucker off! Enjoy!

The Battle for the Bears' Draft Pick

Fucking insane to realize that the Panthers will not have their draft pick next year. How does a team as shitty as the Panthers actually fix themselves after losing out on a very, very hard-earned number one draft pick??

That said, I couldn't be happier to see all of this dipshittery take place under the ownership of another one of these asshole hedge fund billionaire shitbags. David Tepper bringing some fucking asshole "disruptor energy" that he probably insisted on his investments and it only led to the stupidest fucking outcome.

Poor Panthers fans are stuck with freebasing any amount of copium they can get their pulled-pork soaked hands on,

And boy, it's fuckin vinegary (or mustardy).

Violations in International Law

I don't want to overreact, but this is literally my reaction to realizing the Patriots still have 7 more fucking games this season,

I think Robert Kraft owes the German Chancellor a hand-written apology after this absolute fucking atrocity of a magnitude unseen since the mid-40s.

Stroud Boys, Stand Down and Stand By

Holy fuckin' hell. Are the Texans going to get a playoff spot!?

Unleashing the Jameis

2 Touchdowns.
2 Interceptions.

If you don't like that, you don't like Jameis Winston football.

PS. What is this fucking Dobbs guy?? If you presented this script to a Hollywood exec, they would literally slit your throat, break your legs, and murder your family.

We have a 23-19

Fuck. This title was too obscure. I already forget which matchup this was supposed to be for.

Will Levis Survive the Season?

This kid has quicker and better hands pulling his pants back up after the backhand, than the entire Titans offensive line when trying to block for Levis.

God Hates Jags

THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD

Deshaun Cosby Doesn't Know When to Stop

Lmao.

And they gave him a guaranteed $230 million contract.

Now the fucker has opted for season-ending surgery.

MW3 So Bad Kyler Studied Game Tape

(Feat: Arthur Smith Master Class)

meh.

Justin Herbert is Detroit Matthew Stafford

The Mercy Rule Should Exist

I can fuckin hear their voices,

YOOOOOOO. TAWMMY FAHKEN DEEEEEEEE TAWSS A TOUCHDOWN AND MOM WILL MAKE US ANUTHAH LASAGNA WHEN WE GET HOME!!!

Washington in Washingon with Washington losing

Looks like Washington earned themselves the win.

Televised Dumpster Fire

lmao fuck the broncos but also, fuck the bills

Lucky 13.

Matchup Recaps

ARE YOU ALL READY FOR THE PEAK OF PERFORMANCE EXCELLENCE? BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS SOME OF THE MATCHUP RECAPS OF ALL-TIME ON A LEVEL SEEN BEFORE.

haha. what.

W (7-3) Sunstroke Serenaders

L (8-2) Australian Heath Ledgers

God damn. In a battle of the (not Tennessee nor NY) Titans, the fuckin Sunstroke Serenaders completely fucking emasculated the Australian Heath Ledgers.

Like, they Pet Cemetery'd Heath, and then fucking banished him to the shadow realm.

Sure, a 30+ point win isn't all that out of the ordinary - but it was done almost entirely with Sunstroke's fucking B-Team. That motherfucker got zero fucking points from his bench. Absolutely fucking insane. Everyone was on their god damn *BYE* and the only one who wasn't, was "no-show" Nico Collins:

• DeVonta: BYE
• AJ Brown: BYE
• Raheem Mustard: BYE
• Waddle waddle waddle: BYE
• Pacheco: BYE
• TuAnon: BYE

What the fuck, man.

L (5-5) Anne Sullivan Omen 666

W (3-7) The Hellen Keller Exorcists

From one humiliation to ANOTHER.

I knew this shit was probably going to happen eventually, and I figured it would be against my dumb ass. However to see it happen against a streaking fucking Commissioner who himself actually had a great fucking 100+ point week, is completely fucking wild.

AND HELEN KELLER SCORED 111+ WITH THREE PLAYERS SCORING FUCKING ZERO POINTS.

Maybe it's best to move on from this absolutely grisley scene.

L (6-4) The Super Wicked Problems

W (6-4) It's a Tide Ad

MOTHER FUCKER. WHY'D YOU HAVE TO WIN GOD DAMN IT, YOU'RE KILLING MY CHANCES TO MAKE THE FUCKING POSTSEASON. AND I'M GOD DAMN FUCKING STRUGGLING.

...anyway...

So like,,, I guess The Super Wicked Problems kinda sorta had a chance to capture the win going into Monday Night. I guess. And really, Josh "The White Favre" Allen and Stefon "is not Trevon" Diggs did their fucking very best to completely fuck everything up and be a Super Wicked Problem for It's a Tide Ad.

[JOE EDIT: I'm sorry, the previous paragraph was as stupid to write as it probably brutal was to read]

But even after a pretty fuckin great performance from Hussle and Bussle Wilson, there really wasn't no fucking chance he would outscore the Buffaloser tag-team by 11+ points.

I feel like I should capture this moment as the one time this 2023 season that someone depended on both Josh Allen and Diggs for a win and they actually delivered.

Hahah, they fucking suck so much.

L (7-3) I'm Thinkin' RBs

W (7-3) The Koi Pond

Hot diggity damn, it is getting tight at the top! A three-way tie for fucking 2nd place with each team having seven fucking wins is complete and utter fucking madness.

The Koi Pond went fucking off this week thanks in no small part to Trey McBride replacing Kelce like he's some picture to burn. Travis' performance as of late has been so bad that The Koi Pond and that Kelce tight end may be never ever getting back together.

And then of course, a great game from one of the several surprise MVP candidates this season,

Last but definitely the opposite of least: this entire Elephant Walk of victory was led by CeeDeez Nuts.

Now, I understand there's no way it made a difference in the loss, but Llamar Jackson fucking did it again: authors a 30+ point offensive performance while landing a complete fucking dude in fantasy. Dude seriously needs to consume more psyllium husk to be more productive with his points, and stop being all backed up with shit.

W (3-7) The Bryce is Right

L (1-9) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

Brutal. Absolutely brutal loss by Mr. QuadAnon after directly losing out on a win by having Singletary and his beefy 22.1 points on the bench while his starter in Craig Reynolds scored a complete fucking goose-egg.

As a fellow member of #JoeGang I have to give kudos - I don't care if he's a Joseph and I'm just a Joe, we bleed the same blood, we both suffer from being considered the average, we both have sloppy joe related trauma.

However, we are everywhere. We are strong. We are legion. We. Are. Joe.

L (4-6) Neon Dion DeSantis

W (3-7) Everywhere Roll Tide

FUCKING A BUFFALO.

You mother fucking dipshit franchise. LET YOUR KICKER TRY TO GET SOME FUCKING POINTS OR SOME SHIT. 2.0 FOR TYLER BASS?? WHY THE FUCK??

MOTHER FUCKING EVERYWHERE ROLL TIDE PLAYED QUITE THE FUCKING SPOILER GOD DAMN IT.

DOODOO ASS FUCK SHIT.

Fin.

Aww. We're finally hitting that fantasy football regular season home stretch and it's always kind of bittersweet. Sure that means we're going to be coming up against some of the best holidays of the fucking year and the prospect of beautiful fuckin snow, it also means that so many of us have zero fucking chance at postseason play.

Combine that with being a fan of a complete dogshit NFL team and things would appear to become bleak. But fear not! I hope to demonstrate that anyone willing to stick around, willing to keep setting their rosters, and willing to click through and read these dumbass fucking streams of thought, none of it will be for naught.

You spoiling people's playoff chances will be rewarded and recognized. Maybe even lauded and awarded.

And as usual, I hope to provide some dumbass memery you can save and share and impress your colleagues with.

Well .. maybe not work colleagues. Yeah, definitely not them, they're fuckin losers.

All right, well good luck tonight for anyone with players in tonight's surprisingly high-quality matchup. Let's hopefully see Al Michaels put in at least half the effort I put into these columns.

Take care everyone! Hope the rest of the week plays nice and isn't too shitty.

And of course most importantly: I hope somehow everyone loses and I win.

That's right, y'all deserve a double feature.