Joe Throwgan

Yeah. I ain't got shit to bitch about.

Well .. I have plenty on the list:

• Rock n Jock sports
• Dude you're getting Odell
• Kyrie > Q'Aaron
• How much you all rule

But do I have the capacity to write it down?

GAMES

ATLIENS @ NO

Is this that Saintsy/Falconsy game I've heard so much about?

What started as a letdown by the Saints ended up being a great close game with a bit of redemption for Matt Ryan and them Falcons. They actually won a comeback.

DEN @ DAL

Dak's back!
Oh shit!

Last time the Cowboys defeated the Broncos, we had Aikman and Elway in the league and it was 1995. How does a team named the Cowboys have trouble with some dumb horsey team??

This game wasn't even fuckin close. Them Boys hit 200-yards of offense with 5 minutes left .. in the fucking fourth quarter.

NE @ CAR

🚨 NSFW 🚨

Pure.

Sex.

The dogs were barking and the Patriots won their game on the road in Carolina.

New England not only gained on the AFC East crown, but they also happened to climb the ladder on most of the AFC.

Fuck if I know my survivor, but Patriots fans are that guy. AFC East and rest of AFC are the two women.

OK, now that I'm done explaining and thereby ruining the joke, let's talk about how The Darnold may have finally been absolutely broken by Belichick? The Chin Man started out hot going 3-0 but since he's been fuckin up left and right, and this reunion with the Haunted Hoodie and his ghosts,

It was a pleasantly boring game, really. And I kinda, sorta, loved it. Let's fuckin go.

MIN @ BAL

First half Vikings + second half Ravens = 2004 Patriots (aka Greatest Team of All Time)

I didn't really catch much of this game, but it sounds like Minnesota may just have crushed their fans' hearts once again. A major hint was someone trying to describe their thoughts on being a Vikings fan:

I imagine being a Vikings fan is a lot like being a Jets fan except they're burdened with the curse of hope.

NFC North teams defeated by a game winning Justin Tucker field goal:
Detroit Lions
Minnesota Vikings
Chicago Bears (11/21)
Green Bay Packers (12/19)

CLE @ CIN

DPJ dad gonna post an 11-minute video after this one

Baker Mayfield literally visited Cincinatti and just went to fucking town on the Dolly Parton Towers. Absolutely fucked the bajeesus out of that city.

Now. I don't think Odell is a bad NFL player. I think he's pretty fuckin good at running routes, catching the ball, and I'm pretty sure he's peppered a couple passes here and there .. of course, so much of it was so fucking long ago.

And as someone that carries Mr. Beckham Jr. on their keeper league roster, he's been a god damn waste of funds for a couple seasons now.

I don't understand what the fuck is the dude's problem with his own teammates. I feel like players do actually enjoy him, but when game time comes, he just doesn't have the discipline to follow a structured gameplan.

I just fucking hope he goes to a team that he wants to play for. He's really fucking fun to watch when he's absolutely murdering defenses.

BUF @ JAX

Josh Allen on Josh Allen crime.

The mic'd up is very entertaining:

HOU @ MIA

Please. Please don't make me do this.

There were nine combined turnovers.
4 fumbles.
5 interceptions.

Good fucking God, sorry a sorry display of what these two teams assume "NFL Quality" means,

OAK @ NYFG

Sure, there's a bit of a rivalry with the Patriots .. and that whole kerfuffle with Jack "choke on some dickbag, you dickbag" Tatum paralyzing Darryl Stingley ,, then apologizing for a book. Yeah, that's right, I have the power of the column.

So yeah, along with the family of Tina Tintor (& Max), https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-for-tina-tintor-max?qid=e9536a6c950d18c1589ec32ef54e799a

I also feel for the organization. On the heels of the realization that their head coach was anything but Raider material (being a racist, mysoginistic, homophobic, piece of shit), their young star receiver murders a woman and her dog because of a DUI, and then another young cornerback completes his downward spiral by threatening people with weapons.

Hope the locker room has each other's backs, the team has counselors available for those who need it, and ultimately they can find something or someone to rally around.

Going back to that link above - it's remarkable to see the outpouring of support. If anyone feels compelled, it's still active and it is the legitimate gofundme for the victim and her pup.

Now, as far as football .. I truly have nooooo fucking clue what happened with this game. For all I know the Raiders won and the team has found its true leader in the Mascara'd Carr (I can never remember if it's Derek or David or what).

But if the Giants won, I guess Joe Judge earned himself another week of suicides, oklahoma drills, and lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap of running.

SDC @ PHI

Let's see what I have in my notes for this game,,,

Yeeaaaaah...

GB @ KC

Hahahaha, fucking Q'Aaron. My only regret is that this shit didn't hit the fan any earlier than it did. I could have been on top of all the gaht dang memery, putting all of you in a better situation

Well, let's take to the interwebs to see how some fans thought the game went,

Mmmmmm.. hmmm..

ARI @ SF

I don't understand the 49ers. They seemed to be consistently good, occasionally great, capable of making runs deep into the playoffs, and recently appeared to be trending upwards.

It's almost like Mahomes absolutely broke the SF 49ers when they played in the Super Bowl. It's like this team can't do anything well.

'Zona on the other hand, is missing literally every single offensive skill position and needed to suit up the entire practice squad to even get half of their OLine in uniform. Absolutely incredible that Kurt Warner signed a 3-hour contract to play QB, and his wife Gozer the Gozerian able to play some receiver.

CHI @ PIT

What a game by Josh Fields, and did you know that Najee Harris grew up in a hole in the ground to become a college janitor who solved some crazy unsolvable math problem during the combine? Fuckin' wild.

Oh, and NFL refs are pure fuckin traysh.

What the fuck??

Recapses

L - 72.14 (7-2) Everywhere Roll Tide

W - 85.58 (8-1) Australian SteveIrwins

EVERYONE GET IN HERE. We got a mother fuckin showdown. That .. well, was good enough.

I'm just happy that the Australian SteveIrwins gave us a simple enough-score from down undah to understand. It's kind of amazing but 85.58 is a perfect paldindrome in that if you flip it upside-down, it still says 85.58

Pretty cool.

But yeah, I guess in this battle of the greatest Nations on Earth we so far have it as,

Alabama: 0
Australia: 1

In this best-of-19 matchup. Man, this is gonna take a while.

L - 42.0 (0-9) War Eagle is Cool

W - 68.66 (5-4) I'm Thinkin' RBs

EWWWWW. Good god man.

I guess if it's any consolation, even if you had managed to shoehorn Carson Wentz in there, you wouldn't have won. So you have that going for you, which is nice.

RBs. You're riding a 3-game win-streak. That's pretty cool. I'm hopin to get me one of them one of these days. Maybe even a sweet little .500 record too. I hear they are tough to hold onto though, especially that 3-game streak because no matter what, you lose it after a week. Fuckin crazy how that happens.

Either way, I Jak it to you. Let's go Meyers, I want to see someone get fantasy points for his first career touchdown.

W - 94.04 (5-4) That's a Paddlin'

L - 86.98 (5-4) New Baby Daddy

Oh God. Certified Sex Haver is not having himself a good time. Yet another loss, and this time at the hands of a Chubb n Sherbert. Even the Bengals couldn't ruin this grand ol' time, which as we all know means: That's a paddlin'

Was a close game, and really there are a ton of fingers to point at the New Baby Daddy roster: I think the pointiest of points goes to fucking Adam Thielen. What the fuck, dude? Do you suck now? Why can't you god damn catch anything anymore? You used to be a god damn boss and now you kinda just blow. Nothing consistent or dependable. It's fuckin wild.

L - 77.34 (3-6) The Koi Pond

W - 87.24 (4-5) San Diego Super Marios

Jesus, there are so many fucking near-.500 teams in this league right now. But anyway, tough matchup for The Koi Pond, especially with a shockingly low 16.72 points from Baker Mayfield. It's kinda wild, damn. But yeah, ~210 yards and only 2 tiddies (heh).

Speaking of "does this guy suck now," what the fuck is up with Ezekiel Elliott? He had 3 straight performances that I'd grade as highly as a shat on to be almost a non-factor in fantasy.

L - 74.4 (3-6) Essential Twerkers

W - 115.5 (4-5) The Super Wicked Problems

Wow. Someone actually started Jordan Love. Love to see it. Although he did not have a good time. A better time than Danny Dimes, but not a good time overall.

This Super Wicked Problems dude has two fuckin kickers, huh? I'm speechless, it's a strategy I haven't seen since at least last week. And frankly, I'm scared because it's what I'm attributing your win to.

Hmmm. Third paragraph, third paragraph. What could I toss into a thi-. Oh shit, McCaffrey is back! I almost forgot, and he played against my favorite team. That must be a sight for sore eyes. Although it's tough for me to imagine him getting more than 10-15 touches a game for the next couple weeks.

L - 90.82 (4-5) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

W - 91.78 (6-3) I'm here for The Recaps

Oh cool. Fuckin greeeat. Yeah sure, appreciate the name change, super.

The fuck you gotta go and beat me by less than a point for? I thought I had this stupid fucking matchup, was finally going to go above .500 for the first time this season (I'm pretty sure), and just continue my ascension to the promised land.

But then this fuckin guy who lulls one into a false sense of non-capitalized security before BLAM BLAM capital T capital R. Yo, the fuck you trying to pull with this shit? This stupid fucking Steelers D/ST god damn beat me with a stupid 4.0 point production. God fucking damn it.

Good show.

Fin.

Welp.there went a solid week of matchups. Congrats to everyone and see you all in hell, from heaven.

I dunno, here's to hoping that Kaaron Rodgers says or does something really fucking stupid in the upcoming weeks - maybe something that gets Dan Snyder sued/fired (out of a cannon). Now that would be some shit.

Take it easy.