It's not rocket appliances

Gobble Gobble

Hey everyone! Hope y'all enjoyed the week and had a mother fuckin awesome Thanksgiving week!

Despite the result of the Greatriots game, it was still such a fucking great day of football - one that I barely fucking caught because I was playing the god. Damn.

HOST.

Rachel and I took on the duty of hosting Thanksgiving and boy oh boy was it such a blessed clusterfuck of preparation and good fortune. Had to buy a giant new dinner table, only to have a mouse fucking move into the fucking box. Such a god damn mess to clean it all down in the garage before assembling each piece inside.

Then we had to actually like ... move in. Yeah, we've been moved into the house since something like the last week in July, but holy fucking hell it takes a long time to really unpack and have light in every room. Didn't realize how fucking dark it'd be for the olds. Don't want them wandering into our giant fucking cat-tree and suing.

...speaking of litigation. Thankfully I don't think Rachel's family is too into that shit. Of course the victim wasn't related by blood so -.. shit. I gotta get some signatures.

But it's no big deal, just two broken bones. In one finger. The pinky.

Nothing a couple dark and stormies couldn't fix.

Anyway, the shit went fantastical.

Easy, No Fuss Thanksgiving Turkey - Tastes Better From Scratch

The BEST Thanksgiving Turkey recipe that packs all of the flavor and juiciness you expect from the perfect Thanksgiving turkey, with none of the stress!

Tastes Better From ScratchLauren Allen

We used the above recipe for that shit, including absolutely molesting the fucking turkey titties with butter. Not proud of what I saw my wife do that morning, but I have to admit I absolutely admire the dedication to a delicious bird.

The shit on the left was kind of cobbled together as,

Roasted squash

• Cut in half, scoop out seeds, pour oil with garlic into that hole thing
• paint rest of surface
• 40 mins at 375 degrees
• take out and sear on cast iron

Brussel Sprouts

• cut in some special way I learned on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
• coat in oil and salt
• roast for like .. 20 minutes?
• throw on cast iron skillet for color

BUT BEFORE ADDING THE ABOVE TWO: sautee red onions and garlic for a while first

Ok, let's see, what else.

Awww yeah. The stuffing. Some magical recipe that my mom started me off with:

• sausages sauteed (good enough to eat)
• chicken liver sauteed (good enough to eat)

And mix that day of with prepared,

• boiled carrots drained
• boiled turnips drained

And then you add an egg, salt, pepper, and some chicken broth. If it gets too wet, you add some of that stuffing shit that Pepperidge farm has. My personal favorite consistency is what I got pictured, but people have varying tastes. I like it a little more like a dry paste because the turkey's gonna get it all nice and juicy.

So I take the above, and just shove it directly into the turkey. The remaining portion I bake on a skillet (apparently I have like, eight of these cast iron skillets).

It was a great spread for 14 people.

Still can't believe we pulled it off. Best part was that it was at home, so I could get fucking loaded. What a Thursday.

Hope all y'all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Why sure, I follow Football

oh wait

oh no

OH NO

NOT THAT FOOTBALL

NO WAIT NOT THIS YEAR. I CAN'T THIS YEAR - FUCKING QATAR. THOUSANDS OF DEAD. C'MON MAN, THEY BANNED DRINKING. THIS ISN'T ABOUT PEACE, IT'S ABOUT IMPRESSING SOME ROYAL DIPSHIT'S DAD.

JOE NOOOOOOOO

..OK. I had to. It's literally fucking impossible to avoid this shit, and I don't dislike soccer at all. I grew up playing it. The '94 World Cup championship game was played on my birthday (Brazil won 3-2 against Italy). I went with a slew of close friends to party in Poland during the 2012 Euro Cup.

But I just fucking hate FIFA so fucking much and this shit was too far for me.

Fuckin blows though. I really hope my patience gets tried because Poland, Mexico, and USA make it to the semifinals.

Nostalgia corner

I came across this silly little picture on some corner of the internet:

And boy oh boy did it remind me of,

                          --Actually--

I really, really, really hope a significant majority of yous out there know what I'm about to share here with everyone. I wish there were a way to mark a photo as a spoiler or some shit (hide it until one of you assholes clicks it) .. i'll just do it the old fashioned way,

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┻┳| •.•)  You ready, fuckers?
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Worth it.

The horror, the absolute Horror

OK people, please don't do this,

It's just .. an awful, awful thing. You can root for both, but for the love of God do not intermix like this. Call me old-fashioned, call me despicably out-of-line, but you'll never ever call me late for dinner.

NFL games

Let's fucking ride.

Bills @ Lions

God damn. So much fucking pain involved with Lions fandom. It's bad enough they constantly underperform and let their fans down, but there are plenty of those franchises around: Bills, Vikings, Bengals, Falcons, Chargers, and then in case you wanted some non-Super Bowl attendees: Browns, Texans, Jaguars. Yes yes, I realize that including the Texans and Jags is kind of cheating since they haven't even existed for that long.

The thing with Lions fandom is: having a bad Thanksgiving is built-in.

They haven't won on Thanksgiving since 2016. And despite the four-game winning streak they had from 2013 to 2016, they had an eight-game losing streak before then. Lifetime, they're fuckin under .500 on that particular Thursday.

I personally recall some really fuckin fun matchups during the 90s that included a Mr. Barratheon Sanders. Madden makin the calls. The mutant insect-turducken was created so as to give away like 6-8 turkey legs from one "bird" in recognition of outstanding play.

But now? Jesus fucking hell. Lions fans can't have anything.

Giants @ Cowboys

I was knee-deep in Thanksgiving Hostingness. I have no fuckin clue what the ever-loving fuck went on in this one.

It would appear the Cowboys won.

And given the betting was,

• Dallas -10.5 points
• O/U set at 45.5

That extremely garbage time touchdown lost/won people a lot of motherfuckin money.

Greatriots @ Vikings

Man. Fuck this stupid game. FIRST OF ALL while waiting for it to start, I got sucked into the fourth season of Atlanta, and god fucking damn it I missed the entire first fucking half.

Second half was pretty solid. I barely remember. I was riding the high of hosting. Holy shit that was fun.

But then that special teams penalty. What the ever-loving fuck was that. I hope that once I'm blessed with a child or some children, I will never miss out on an opportunity to remind them every morning: "THAT YOU NEVER RUN INTO THE PUNTER."

HOW THE FUCK.

YOU EEDIOTS.

YOU GIVE UP A FUCKING KICKOFF FOR A TOUCHDOWN, THEN WHAT WOULD BE A GAME-LOSING PENALTY. YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKERS.

How does that happen. For real.

Broncos @ Panthers

Man. I'm so tickled god damn pink by the absolute suckage that the Broncos are going through right now. I truly hope there are no Broncos fans reading this shit at any point because I will never cease in my schadenfreude.

That said. You gotta fire that dumbass coach. He seems like a funny guy as per at least one story,

But the dude seems like a complete slapdick.

..speaking of slapdicks..

Fuckin [chef's kiss].

Buccaneers @ Browns

Damn Brady. Losin to the Browns, huh? Does not seem ideal for your playoff chances, that's for sure. And I know I've mentioned this before, as much as I really don't want Deshaun coming back to a Browns team with any fucking wins, I really want nothing but awesome shit for Jacoby. Shit man, I'm sure Brady was able to congratulate his fellow Wolfpack member,

..holy shit Jimmy GQ..

But yeah, looks like the Jacoby Brisskett era ends with a happy ending.

Ravens @ Jaguars

At first when this game was in a weather delay, I definitely did not want the game switching back from the Bengals/Titans .. and I'm so fucking happy it didn't. Was able to enjoy a really solid Cincynnessee game, and watch that absolutely crazy final quarter of this game.

I can't fuckin believe the Jags came back. What a god damn performance by Tlaw. Dude played bigger than his fuckin nose.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
His name is Doug Pederson
And he's going for two

Texans @ Dolphins

The Texans are so fucking bad. What the fuck.

Also: fuck the Dolphins. Loser franchise. Good at ruining transcendent that one Quarterback.

Bears @ Jets

OH SHIT. IT'S ALL OVER. IT'S ALL OVER.

THE COIN.

IS DEAD!

Mike White: 22/28 for 315 yards, 3 touchdowns and 0 interceptions.

What a fucking game by that kid. One that stared destiny in the face and said, "your money is no good here."

Bengals @ Titans

So Derrick Henry had a run that could have been a 75-yard touchdown. In most leagues that's 7.5 points for the yards and then 6 for the touchdown = 13.5 points.

But instead, the motherfucker fumbled at .. let's say, the 5-yard line. So 70-yards is 7.0 points, and you fuckin subtract 2.0 for the fumble to turn that huge fucking play that ended up scoring a Titans touchdown, into a measley 5.0 point output.

Falcons @ Washington Football Team

I guess I'll take this spot to shit on the franchise some for their dipshit Sean Taylor display.

The thing looked like a fuckin invisiquin,

Adidas cleats. Reebok pants. Nike jersey.

The fuck is this doing other than selling their gear? You see this kind of shit at a Nike store or something. Don't want to be overly critical because at least this Snyder fuckface is finally considering the possibility of maybe thinking about selling the team. And Danny boy definitely seems like the type of dude who's willing to fuck everything over just to spite one or more people.

Anyway. The actual game-worn jerseys were fuckin fire. And the commodes won again. Good for them.

Most rational Washington Football Team fan.

Chargers @ Cardinals

Good fuckin game. And what a mother fuckin ending by the Chargas.

And what another classic end by the Cardinals.

A side note (because the analysis is so thicc and informative so far):

The fuck is Acho's deal?

Fuck outta here.

Hah. Memed right back at ya. Hah hah! Memes!

What the fuck am I doing.

Raiders @ Seahawks

I guess a bunch of channels went away from this game and missed the shocking overtime twist that took place. And boy, that kinda fuckin sucks. I know I was literally shitting all over my floor when Jacobs was running for daylight.

Literal piles of my own shit. On the floor. Crazy stuff, I know.

Rams @ Chiefs

Read this on reddit:

I cannot believe the under hit and the Chiefs covered

I had no idea. The amount of same-game parlays that were fuckin busted by one of these outcomes is mind-bottling.

As far as them Rams,, holy fuckin shit what a fall from grace. I'm sure plenty of fans would be fine with a decade+ of mediocrity if it meant a Lombardi win, but that team was fucking loaded. To absolutely shit the bed because the depth was paper-thin, kinda fuckin blows. Expected, but blows for their tens of fans.

Saints @ 49ers

I'm reading that this Dennis Allen guy is pretty fuckin bad at calling the offense for the Saints. The madman really went and didn't attempt a single Taysom run (or really, any run whatsoever) from the 4-yard-line. Despite having all four downs.

Oh, and a bunch of shit for brains eyes refs called this game. Was fuckin terribad for both sides.

Packers @ Eagles

Welp. Much like their AFC brethren, the NFC BEast just keeps chewing through opponents (fuck you, Minnesota).

Jordan Love to Christian Watson. Is that some shit we gonna be hearing for the next 6-10 years? Probably not, but at least we know what it might look like.

You ever wonder what it would look like if Jason Kelce convinced some other Eagles players to perform for a Christmas album? Yeah, me neither.

Hah. Fun.

Steelers @ Lolts

Recognition

I gotta just pause this whole column to congratulate a Mr. Devin McCourty on an incredible NFL achievement:

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A post shared by New England Patriots (@patriots)

WEEKLY RECAP TIME

Ok everyone, I hope you all got the flier I sent out for this week's column - if you exchange it, you get a free swag item of your choice!

The printers really fucked it up and I can't really believe they refused to fix it. So many fucking typos I feel like my message really isn't truly getting across. But whatever, I guess it could be worse.

W - 98.34 (6-6) The Super Wicked Problems

L - 85.96 (3-9) Stupid Virtuous Solutions

Welp, that was a pretty painful, yet brutally appropriate death to the Stupid Virtuous Solutions.

That should serve as a lesson to everyone in attendance: Even if your solution is virtuous. If it's stupid, then it's a stupid fucking solution.

If this were a matchup that I were scoring a la .. uhh .. that other show that leads in PTI. AROUND THE HORN! If I were scoring it like announcer boy, I'd frankly give +20 to the name. Especially for the avatar. Not sure if anyone can see it so:

I mean, come the fuck on. Give that man the ten thousand dollars!

W - 95.0 (7-5) I'm Thinkin' RBs

L - 94.96 (5-7) Australian SteveIrwins

So right now, as of this instant in time (10:53 PM EST, Monday Night), I'm Thinkin' RBs is winning by a micropeen-thin margin of 0.04 points. Like,, good fucking god. I have more commas in this paragraph than he has a lead.

Thankfully that only active player is Freiermuth, and he'll be in there just to fuckin smack the bitchass out of defensive players. He ain't that dude when it comes to hands anyway. He did his job, and holy fuck, if this holds it might be the closest matchup I ever done seen.

HOLY SHIT. THE FUCKIN SCORE HELD.

0.04 FUCKING POINTS.

God fucking damn that totally sucks for you dude.

L - 82.32 (2-10) That's a Paddlin'

W - 87.44 (6-6) Deep Tissue Illuminati

There's no way you get out of these losses without one or more paddlin'ses per loss. So at this point I'm curious if this has turned into some kind of new discovery turned personal curiosity during the fantasy season. No shame either way, whatever floats your boat. I want to get ahead of any accusations and proclaim that this is an Anti-Kink Shame Column. We stand for what gets you to stand. Or slide. Or whatever.

Now that I've made it awkward, let's talk about how close this matchup was,, mostly because I don't know what the fuck else to bring up. Latavius is a shitty replacement for MGIII. Rachaad White scored exactly his projection .. something I've seen maybe once before.

..

And fuck. What the fuck. At just a glance, with all the double digits from Paddlin' and Deep Tissue having zero fuckin points from his Tight End, how the fuck did the latter still get that win??

Am I just high? JUST LOOK AT IT. Fuckin look-being-deceiving mother fucker.

W - 95.72 (8-4) The Koi Pond

L - 80.16 (7-5) It's a Tide Ad

OH SHIT MAN. WHAT A MATCHUP. TWO 7-4 TEAMS BATTLING FOR THAT SECOND SEED AND ONLY ONE WALKS AWAY WITH EIGHT WINS.

What we got was just a .. Pond.

Tide Ad? Nope. Just an L.

Hmm. Yes. Of course.

L - 63.5 (6-6) Everywhere Roll Tide

W - 89.64 (8-4) San Diego Loud-N-Stroud

Welp. The three-headed monsieur of Mahomes, Henry, and Pollard couldn't quite carry the rest of the roster like they have in the past. Kinda brutal. Never want to see a 1.1 come from any part of the starting roster.

Far from ideal for Everywhere Roll Tide.

Now. San Diego Loud-N-Stroud? Who the fuck cares if A-A-RON has a bad trip the night before the game and only scores 9.5 points? Cause you got Cubbster, Jefferson, and DeAnfernee Hodgkins. Who cares how shitty Cook and McLaurin were cause you got that sweet, sweet dub.

PS. Time to start Mac Jones over A-A-RON, just as I predicted four or five words ago.

PPS.

W - 131.86 (10-2) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

L - 119.62 (4-8) Sunstroke Serenaders

Well holy shit. Thank you, Josh Jacobs. I love you so much. And please, please, please don't be hurt long term, Elijah Mitchell. I got a couple too many goose-eggs on my bench - and I don't think Brissett is going to be a viable QB no more.

Ahh, who fucking cares. I FUCKIN WON, BITCHES. OH HELL YEAH.

OK. That's all I got. Sorry Serenaders. I gotta call it.

Fin.

BAM. DONE. OVAH.

Week 12 done-zo.
Lucky Week 13 go.

Always sad to consider the end of the fantasy season right around the corner, so let's make the best of these final few weeks. Good luck on this one despite my hope and wish that somehow, some way, every other team loses and I'm the only team that wins.

Good luck. And take care.

Cause fuck. It's December fucking tomorrow. God damn. Balls.