It's easier not to be great

Fuck you, Thor

Let me paint the weekend picture for you:

It's mid-Friday afternoon, I'm trying to wrap up a bunch of dependency updates while yelling at my computer because fuck you, the tests worked before the update so WHY DON'T THEY KNOW, as one does. The wife is out seeing a friend and I decide to take a session on the Peloton (don't judge - I am a fucking believer now after a year of using it as a coat-hangar).

As the session winds down and I'm done with my workout farts, the wife returns with a much-needed refill of toilet paper and things start to get ominous: alerts about an incoming thunderstorm and .. well .. what felt like a complete blotting out of the sun as the entire downstairs becomes darkened. Distant rumblings start giving our pup Sophie anxiety as she paces back and forth between my wheezing ass and my wife who's getting settled back into the couch.

I finally wrap up and the storm starts to absolutely open up: the rolling thunder is replaced by flashing lights, crackling, booms, and reverberating bass while it starts absolutely dumping rain.

We initiate Sophie Babushka Protocol and wrap the pup up in her Thunder Jacket as well as my Carhardtt to help reduce her anxiety:

THEY'RE SO CUTE WHEN THEY GET ALONG

I decide to forgo a shower despite having about a 1/4" layer of sweat since I didn't want to get my shit rocked by lightning while showering - although what are the chances of lightning actually hitting the house, right??

We're all sitting together in the living room after quickly unplugging most of our prized devices, handling the storm pretty well - my usual strategy is to watch through my peripherals for lightning flashes and slowly count up in my head until I hear a crack or rumbling, hoping that the number I get keeps getting higher and higher.

Unfortunately, that number was falling. Fast. To the point where a couple cracks seemingly happened in unison with the lightning flashes.

And that was when it happened: a flash so sudden and bright it filled the room, followed almost instantaneously by its thunderous tag team partner to give our house an aided wheelbarrow facebuster that we could feel in the floor. The crack was crazy - almost indescribable, and it scared the shit out of the entire family. We knew something spectacular must have hit because we could hear debris hitting the house.

We immediately moved inward next to the stairs, away from the windows. We corralled the cat into his cat carrier and all just sat in the narrow hallway hoping that the worst was behind us. Fortunately, while the thunder and lightning continued, it was less devastating and intimidating and more Tiki Barber and Ron Dayne.

After 30 to 45 minutes of huddling together, me covered in gross, smelly, stinky sweat that the dog found comfort in, the cat didn't want anything to do with, and Rachel was indifferent about .. the danger had cleared. Thunder clapping like thicc cheeks now a distant tummy rumble in the distance.

But something was wrong.

Very wrong.

The memes I rely on to comfort myself in troubling times were hardly reachable. The devastating videos of people getting kicked in the balls could barely load. It was then that I realized: I am only connected to mobile data? Panic.

I immediately scrambled to check the router, and while the lights were blinking away .. one was dead.

OH GOD NO. NOT THAT ONE.

My attention switched to the cable modem, the gatekeeper of our internet data, and horror finally sank in as I see its lifeless face. I immediately tried switching the power in the hopes of stimulating any sort of recovery but it was to no avail. Our cable modem had been taken from us. Six years of faithful service, showing us the beautiful wonders of streaming, online gaming, and cute animal content had come to a shocking end.

And so it was then, in the early evening that the wife and myself realized this was an issue that was going to impact our ability to enjoy both week one of the NFL, but also our entire quality of life. Fuck water, we need streams of data.

Sadly, it was also learned upon troubleshooting that while still alive, our router was mortally wounded: the ethernet port that allowed all our devices to experience the wonders of internet connectivity was also severed - making this quite the already-expensive problem.

However, despite the costs mounting, the worst was yet to come: dealing with Comcast customer service.

I will spare you the nightmarish details, but it wasn't until 4:10pm on Sunday when we finally were back to living in 2023. Surfing the wonders of the World Wide Web - the Information Superhighway - again. Content was reachable and consumable. We could use our exercise equipment (the fuck is that bullshit, Peloton?). We could live our lives and enjoy what remaining vestibules of week one remained.

Sadly, that thunderstorm also seemingly claimed a Mac power cube, our fucking central air unit in the attic, and one of the garage lights (we think).

And while we never used it anyway, I think our invisible dog fence might not be recoverable.

That shit got fucked up.

Thankfully, the physical to the damage to the exterior of the house was fairly minimal,

Anyway, some takeaways from the story are:

• Thor is a fuckin shithead. Fuck that guy, he owes us damages.
• Invisible fences are kinda just giant ground rods that may attract lightning.
• Why does a stationary bike require internet to work? COME ON.

Thank you for reading. Fuck a World with no internet.

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS FUCKING THING:

RECAPS!

WE BEGIN WITH,

THE LIONS @ CHEFS

Great oogly moogly, what an absolutely incredible game from the defending World Champion Chiefs of Kansas City.

They took the field without the handsome Kelce or Kadarius Toney's hands.

And .. well .. shit did not get any better for them Chefs.

Not sure if you heard, but that Kadarius Toney guy sucks asshole. Could you believe that this pass ended up as a touchdown for the Lions?

AND MAHOMES STILL GAVE HIM A CHANCE AT REDEMPTION.

Patrick has more faith in Toney than I have in myself when it comes to resisting Steam summer sales.

Carolina @ Atlanta

Let your nuts hang, Atlanta: you are over .500

And you got yourself a .. second incredible running back in Bijan,

With Allgeir, you might run for 4000 yards.

..which is good because Pitts and Drake London might combine for 135 yards this season. Fuckin garbage, holy shit.

Houston @ Baldimore

Damn. Week one and this game might just be the most demoralizing win of the entire year. Half the god damn roster for the Ravens went out and we had Llamar shit himself .. again (poop mention counter: 1).

As far as the Texans .. Stroud pulled a Favre and caught his own first pass. Next up: traded to another team, a painkiller addiction, god damn Wrangler jeans ads and sending dick pics to a young news reporter.

Bungles @ Borowns

So what do the Bengals do after they sign their quarterback to the highest paid contract in ever?

I guess at least it was an exciting game, right??

First Half:

• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Fumble
• Punt
• FG
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• TD

Second Half:

• Punt
• FG
• Int
• Missed FG
• FG
• Punt
• FG
• Downs
• TD (2PT)
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt

Game.

Was this a god damn Big Ten game!?

Factoid: Lions and Browns both win in week one for the first time since '92. 1492.

Jaggin off @ Indy

Good teams win. Great teams cover. Well done, Jags.

Despite playing on Monday, Josh Allen snuck in some defensive snaps and got himself three fuckin sacks. God damn.

It's remarkable how close this game was .. some would say if the Colts had any sort of running back, they could have pulled off a win.

Tampa Bakers @ Vikes

BAKER BROS: ASSEMBLE.

LET BAKER BAKE.

Vikings?

Tittans @ NOOOOOO

If you can't beat 'em, cover the spread. Well done Vrabel with that field goal.

I uhhh ,, have no more notes for this one.

9ers @ Pitt

Brock is Purdy good, god damn.

And so is Run CMC holy shit. Aiyuk even throws in a pancake to go with his double tiddies,

Can't believe the 9ers have that fucker.

Worst Aesthetic in the NFL @ Commies

With the Bad Man gone far, far away in some remote location on his megayacht, the Washington Commies played with a renewed sense of life. No longer hamstrung by one of the shittiest owners in sports who would make such incredible decisions like selling expired beer to the fans, or committing sex crimes with the cheerleaders in between shit-quality seasons, the Commies came out with a rookie (right?) Quarterback and actually won their first game of the season.

And the loss was most likely welcomed by those garbage, dipshit, Cardinals.

Fuck I hate the Cardinals' aesthetic. Watching their games is fucking painful on the eyes.

Ramses @ Seapigeons

Death.
Taxes.
Rams over Seahawks.

Iggles @ Greatriots

Welp. That sucked. Tough to spot a team 16 fucking points in the first quarter and then come back and win. At least,, not without Tom Terrific slingin the pigskin.

Mediocre Mac Jones couldn't get it done with the GOAT in the stands, and boy oh boy, that was a kick in the fuckin nuts.

I could go on, but I don't wanna because I'm a pathetic loser who can't stand watching his favorite team embarrass themselves on opening weekend. Also I'm a stupid moron with a big butt and my butt smells and,,, I like to kiss my own butt.

Lolphins @ Charge

For the other 99.9% of football fans let me explain to you what it's like being a Chargers fan. It's like you hired a dominatrix for the evening to edge you the height of sexual pleasure. The moment you can feel the sweet release coming, she instead stomps her stiletto heel into your ball sack. You start screaming the safe word, but she just leaves the heel in place until all pleasure is gone. Then you wrap your bloody sack in your LaDainian Tomlinson jersey and are reminded once again he wasn't selected to the NFL 100 team. You cry yourself to sleep and prepare your body to do this again next week.

RRRRRRRRRAIDERS @ Donkeys

Pack pack pack @ Brrrs

The Bears may end up being just fine this season, but god damn this Packers/Bears dynamic is fucking brutal.

Big ol' D @ Giants

This fuckin game was a god damn war crime. What the shit.

Before it even started, I knew it was going to fucking suck ass - I hate watching Giants games. And no, it's not because they bested my Greatriots twice in the Super Bowl (although that definitely didn't help), it's because growing up if there wasn't a fucking Patriots game on TV, there was a fucking god damn piece of shit Giants game on. Before the Greatriots showed up, New England was Giant Country in terms of media market and it's why we have a bunch of old piece of shit Giants fans all over the fucking place.

Dave Brown.
Danny Kanell.
Kent Graham.
Kerry Collins.

Fucking god damn boring shit.

But bringing it back to 2023,

Boy I Love Losing Superbowls vs. Just Enough To Survive

Four snaps into the 2023 season and ... Rodgers is out?. For the season.

RECAPPIN TIME

L 86.18 (0-1) JonathanMarjorieTaylorNoGreen

W 93.7 (1-0) The Super Wicked Problems

There are a couple things to unpack here:

• holy fuck that team name is long
• Ekeler had a great week
• Cowboys went fucking off

But I gotta lead it with:

What on fucking Earth is that bench???

You have 7 fuckin slots and yet JonathanMarjorieTaylorNoGreen got only 1.7 points of production, including four fucking goose-eggs and one negative value.

I'm shocked and amazed at that type of futility. It's like nothing I've ever seen before.

L 97.46 (0-1) Australian Heath Ledgers

W 99.16 (1-0) I'm Thinkin' RBs

OH. MY. GOD. THE WALKOFF PUNT RETURN CAPTURES THE WIN AND FIRST PLACE IN THE STANDINGS FOR THEM HUNGRY, HUNGRY RBS.

Sure, the rest of the roster kind of shit the bed with regards to Amari, Jacobs, Pierce, and the pants-shitter himself Llamar Jackson, but god damn when it rains it pours and Evans, Pollard, Jacob Elliot, and the Jets defense dragged that pile of roast beef across the finish line. Incredible that he was able to overcome an absolutely horrifying performance by Tyreek Hill.

From abusing his pregnant girlfriend in college, to slapping old farts in Florida (his SLAP+ always flies under the radar), Tyreek Hill is just outstanding in everything he ever tries to do.

I hate to say it, but if them Heath Ledgers had started any wide receivers over the corpse of Tee Higgins, we'd be seeing a M next to their team name.

W 89.84 (1-0) The Helen Keller Exorcisms

L 85.02 (0-1) The Bryce is Right

Looks like we had ourselves yet another close matchup .. but unfortunately there's nothing too hilarious about the result. I'm pretty disappointed in that, but hey you can't always get what you want. If I did, then the -2.0 points from Gano's bitchass would have led to a loss. Now that's comedy.

Hmm, but like,, what actual analysis could I do? I guess, good job not starting Drake London. That dude seemingly fucked a lot of fantasy lineups - including my own wife's starting roster. I found it kind of hilarious. Out of all the leagues I'm in, this is the only roster that had him benched.

Oh damn, we got an Aaron Rodgers sighting, I guess it's a good call to have Justin Fields on that roster as well because .. well .. A-A-RON done fucked up so bad he's listening to opinions that he would previously deemed perverse,,,

W 77.34 (1-0) It's a Tide Ad

L 58.22 (0-1) The Koi Pond

IS IT A POND? IS IT AN AD?
NO! It's a mediocre matchup.

Now, I don't want to laugh too hard but holy shit The Koi Pond had himself a bad day. Like, one of those legendarily horrible days. Sure, his achilleses survived, and Anthony Richardson actually topped 20 fucking points and might ultimately make him look like a mother fucking genius .. but at what cost?

• Kelce: 0.0 points (injured)
• Skyy Moore: 0.4 points
• Antonio Gibson: -0.1 points
• Lolphins: -1.0 points

And then the worst of them all: if you had started the Ravens D/ST and Tank "Clayton" Bigsby .. I think you would have actually fuckin won the week.

But you didn't.

Instead, It's a Tide Ad survives a week where his top running back literally died, and Josh Allen did his best to murder his own integrity. Thank goodness you got a bunch of tasty receivers, maybe you can get yourself a running back until Kamara gets back from his suspension .. cause right now you ain't go no one to start.

L 62.88 (0-1) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

W 89.54 (1-0) Everywhere Roll Tide

Yo, who the fuck are these people on the SaQanon bench? Yeah yeah yeah, I recognize Cooper Kupp, and Zay Jones rings a bell, I guess. But Gerald Everett? Jayden Reed? Tyjae Spears? Come the fuck on. I'd say these can't possibly be real players but what the fuck - they have point totals. God damn mind bottling.

How many times am I going to make that same joke? Good lord.

Oh god. Fuck. Almost done. Uhmm. Yeah so Tractorcito, he's pretty good right? I guess.

Uh oh, now I gotta just fill some space

L 68.28 (0-1) Sunstroke Serenaders

W 90.74 (1-0) Neon Dion DeSantis

OH YEEAAAH. FUCK YEAH. GIVE ME THAT GOD DAMN DUB.

I actually can't fuckin believe that Allgeier had the better fucking game than Bijan, that's going to piss me off to no end while I struggle to figure out which of the two to start. But an embarrassment of running back riches isn't anything I'm going to fret about.

I should be worried about how thin I am at receiver, but for now I do not give one shit while I embrace my Bourne Supremacy.

Ultimately, I'm thanking a higher power that the Sunstroke Serenaders didn't have some wild moment of clarity and started TuAnon over Joey Joe Joe Jr. Burrow .. although, why would anyone ever fucking do that? The man got paid hundreds of millions of fucking dollars while Tugmydickallova is one hit away from watching MacGruber for the 48th time.

HELL YEAH BRING ON WEEK TWO.

Joe Power Rankings

1. Joe
2. Joe

Fin.

And there we go, week one is in the books.

Hope everyone had themselves a great time, maybe even had a fantasy team that won, perhaps drank a bit too much and peed themselves a little.

Yeah I know, a recap that comes out the day week two begins is a little late, I'm sure a lot of these memes and jokes have already been said but whatever, IT'S HARD TO GET THIS SHIT OUT. I need the column equivalent of psyllium husk to help me shit these out cleaner.

Anyway, poop aside, have a great week two folks. Let the weather be awesome, the air be brisk, and the pumpkin lattes spiced.

Take care you jerks.