In memory of Gobbles

Texans rustle some Bluecows

ok google, show me an image that describes the Buffalo Bills' Super Bowl window,

Chi-town Steamers Steelers

Steelers waking up on Monday checking the standings,

Chi-town? You're one fuckin win away from the #1 seed in the NFC. Hope to see the Greatriots and Bears in the first ever Fraud Bowl in February!

Stalingrad Patriots

Sure, it's great to escape with a win against a team who frankly, I thought was going to beat the Pats, but god damn, did it have to cost the team most of its offensive line?

It's a double-edged sword for sure, with every one of these skin-of-the-teeth wins, I keep rising to absurd and unsustainable levels of pure confidence that the Patriots won't ever lose again. If this was during either of the Brady/Belichick runs of the early '00s or mid-late '10s then sure, those teams were fucking loaded .. but this shit? As great as Vrabel has been, he's not Belichick. This team is not as talented as that '03 or '04 squads.

I'm obviously rooting to end the year with a win and another Lombardi, but I still can't shake the thought that this team could easily lose next Monday Night against the Giants.

Hopefully, I'm fucking wrong - I know I have been before .. like, several times. This week!

He rapes, but he tosses touchdowns

Jameis is a helluva entertainer player. He's funny, charismatic, and only has two civil settlements for sexual assault accusations.

So yeah, Jameis throws and catches touchdowns!

..but he does rape..

Another failure of McCarthyism

JJ fuckin sucks, holy shit - no, not that JJ, I mean Number Nine.

Seahawks vs. Who??

6-point win over a 1-9 team.

Colts confirmed frauds

I don't care if the Chiefs won, I'm absolutely freebasing that the Colts were shown to be fuckin frauds.

I'm absolutely sure there's no possible way we might get fucked over by the Chiefs slowly sneaking their asses back into the postseason hunt.

Ravens are so back

I uhh, don't have shit to post about this one, so I'm going to just share a very intriguing dating strategy I've learned from the World Champion of Divorced Dads,

Like, what the fuck is with this dude? He's like, 3-4 felonies away from being the Redneck Antonio Brown.

I don't understand at all why he's even posting shit like this,

How does anyone even lose to the Raiders

Trevor LawrINTs

Now. I realize the Trevor Lawrence - I mean, LawrINTs - may be one of those aggressive interception throwers in the league right now. Sure, he was supposed to be a generational talent unseen since the likes of Peyton Manning and John Elway, but sadly hasn't been able to fill those shoes due to a complete lack of postseason failure at this point in his career.

But as disappointing as he has been this season, I actually am in awe with what he's been able to accomplish. I frankly can not believe he has been competing at such a high level this season given his medical condition:

He looks so happy, and I frankly wish him and his growing family nothing but cheer and joy in their future.

Lolggles

Oof. Everything looked so great for the Eagles, until it wasn't,,,

Saquads performed so poorly, any fantasy owners should be worried that he'll be benched in favor of his backup who had more yards than he did last Sunday,

But most of all I don't know if I know of any division in the NFL that has the united solidarity against whoever happens to be leading like the NFC East. Washington and NY may be out of the postseason, but they definitely can enjoy these types of results,

On the plus side though - I realize that as a Masshole by birth, I really appreciate the attitude of our fans, but we've become fat and complacent. Our hatred of teams just isn't nearly what it used to be.

Frankly, the model fanbase for Hating has to be Philadelphia. I mean, look at this specimen:

This man put on like, 18 chains, scoped himself out in the mirror, and went out in public and attended this game. At no point during that entire journey did anyone treat him like he was weird or out of place. I'm sure he actually got dozens and dozens of people high-fiving him.

This is hall of fame hatred.

Falcons @ Saints

Broken Buccs

Eh. This game was over before the first quarter ended.

panthrs vs 49IRs

Brock Favre did his best to throw the game away, but little did he know that the Bryce and the Panthers have the edge when it comes to pissing away games.

Recapulet

L (6-6) Happy Birthday Terra
W (8-4) The Super Wicked Problems

For most of this season, the only Super Wicked Problems that existed were for teams playing The Super Wicked Problems. Those fuckers have eight wins, are in first and don't seem to be slowing down whatsoever. They have a slew of incredible offensive players, very productive QBs, and even have some incredible potential with Joe Burrow coming back and maybe Keon Coleman eventually getting unbanished.

If I were actually in competition for a playoff spot, I would be terrified of that Super Wicked Problem.

On the other side, Happy Birthday Terra was all great intentions but sadly, not all that good execution.

That roster is a great proof of concept that when it rains it pours:

• Jonathan Taylor was more turnover than touchdown
• Drake London has ceased to be
• A whole bunch of BYE bullshit
• Whoopsie, should have started the Rams
• Brock has embraced the giving spirit for the holidays

L (8-4) I'm Thinkin' RBs
W (5-7) San Diego ICE ICE Babies

I'm Thinkin' RBs continues his drastic slide, and now he'll have to change which quarterbaker he mayfield. At least he will be able to go against the philosophy described by his own team name since if there's anything he has plenty of quality in, it would be his running backs.

And meat. For sandwiches. RBs has the meats.

In all honesty, as long as I'm Thinkin' RBs can get one above projection performance from his RBs/WRs, a serviceable QB, and anything from his kicker, he'll be fine. It's when you have a player like a QB just drop off the face of the planet is when shit starts to suck fuckin bad.

That's right, the killer analytics you all come here to read.

For example, did you know that when San Diego ICE ICE Babies gets 28+ points from Jalen Hurts, his team tends to win? That's right! Look at this week for example: 30+ points and he got a win! I have a series of tubes I've run these calculations through, and they always come out with the same result.

If you're curious about the setup to perform this experiment at home, I can provide you the readout displayed in the photo diagram above.

W (7-5) Yes this is the OG team
L (5-7) Roll Tide

Welp, I guess this is what it looks like to have a player like Jahmyr Gibbs go off for your team. Holy shite, Yes this is the OG team did pretty god damn good for themselves, even with diddly shit from Saquon, Llamar, and Eggbigboo.

Much like The Super Wicked Problems, I find this all incredibly unfair. How dare you make bids during our auction draft and then actively pursue high quality players on the waiver wire while I sit there doing fucking nothing and thereby having nothing to show for it.

This is even more unfair to teams that seem to actually be competitive, like Roll Tide. The roster has some great talent, but instead of being able to enjoy earning some wins, assholes like Tee "hee" Higgins had to go ahead and get fuckin injured. The nerve of a player like Jonnu Smith to kind of just suck asshole, too.

And don't even get me started on how greedy Gibbs is when he has a more-than-capable teammate in David Montgomery simply trying to feed his family. Did Gibbs seriously need all those yards and touchdowns? Why on Earth could he not grace his very own teammate and partner in crime with some touches? Very greedy. Maybe he should be renamed, Jahmyr Greedds (fuckin got em)

W (7-5) Ceedeez nutz
L (3-9) Australian Heath Ledgers

Extremely clutch win by them stanky nutz to earn themselves a firm grasp of 4th place and ensuring that they control their own playoff desssstiny.

And with players like Fratthew Statpadford, Run CMC, and Rashee Rice, this is definitely an attainable destiny - unlike those stupid destinies that are impossible to achieve. God damn out of reach destinies. I hate those things.

But it's going to take a bit of work, specifically ensuring that CompactDisc Lamb and his incredible drop radius stops being such a dipshit on the field and get some motherfucking points... and probably some other things too, but I dunno. Maybe finding a different running back outside of Chooba Hoobrd, since he got that RICO shit going on.

On the other end of the electromagnetic Fantastical Fantasy spectrum, we have Australian Heath Ledgers who did their god damnedest at playing spoiler. I'll applaud the effort, but ultimately it just wasn't enough. Incredible how unfair this world is - I'm not sure if I've ever touched on that subject before - but relying on so much of the AFC North for your offensive firepower just ain't paying off this season.

Specifically, what's up with that triple threat of slapdicks in Odunze, Doubs, and Watson? Mother fuckin Three Stooges, but with more slapstick sound effects and drops and significantly less good content.

Also, thoughts and prayers for depending on that Bucky Irving dickhole for so long. What a massive god damn disappointment. Hurts himself and then just edges literally every fantasy owner in the league for the last 7 weeks.

W (6-6) Sunstroke Serenaders
L (5-7) I fuckin suck asshole

Yeah sure, I don't have the worst god damn record in the league. Sure I won last season. But frankly, none of that forgives the fact that fuck this stupid idiotic hobby for jerkfaces. I can't even fully extend my complaints because I happen to be going against someone who has fucking Justin Jefferson on their team.

That said, I'm going to make like Ja'Marr spittin on Ramsey and give it my best shot.

FUCKING STUPID ASSHOLE CHASE WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING DISGUSTING AND GET YOUR DIPSHIT SELF SUSPENDED FOR THE WEEK. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M PSYCHED THAT THE GREATRIOTS GOT TO AVOID YOU BUT COME THE FUCK ON THAT REALLY FUCKED MY FANTASY TEAM OVER YOU SHITBAG. I HAD TO FUCKING RELY ON GOD DAMN ZAY FLOWERS WHO CAN'T GOD DAMN PUT TOGETHER A COMPLETE GAME AS IF IT'S HIS FIRST FUCKING NAME. I MEAN, WHAT EVEN IS A ZAY ANYWAY?

AND FUCKING HELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU D'ANDRE? ARE YOU GETTIN TOO OLD TO RUN THE BALL? THE STEELERS ARE SOFT AS SHIT, THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU WHY'D YOU NOT EVEN SCORE A SINGLE FUCKING POINT? FUCKING GERIATRIC D'ICKHEAD.

Ahh. That feels better.

Now as far as Sunstroke Serenaders, I do legitimately feel for that roster. Dual wielding Justin Jefferson and Amon-Ra was supposed to be a 1-2 punch unseen by the league this season. But instead, you had an up-and-down Lions offense and some asshole Quarterback whose head got way too big from winning a National Championship with a team where a stuffed pigeon could have gotten the same result.

Then you had Jayden die, so you have to depend on Bryce. You lose out on getting Emanuel after Josh Jacobs goes down. Rachaad White fuckin sucks as a replacement for Irving. Turns out Aaron Rodgers may be losing his battle with Father Time... It kinda just goes on.

..good win, though.

Fin.

Hey hey! Week 12 is in the books! And guess what today is?

Thanksgiving!

I hope this column finds everyone well, and perhaps gives folks that extra motivation to linger in the bathroom by yourselves just a couple minutes more. Whether it's a welcome distraction from annual family drama, or some reading material while you squeeze out that mud monkey from eating too much god damn potatoes - I'm here to serve all of you, my faithful readers.

What am I thankful for? Why, every single one of you dipshits who made it this far. I'm thankful that you spared some of your day to peruse some memes I found, and cheap jokes I made. I'm thankful that you all took the time over the last three or four years to finally learn to read - something that I'm hoping to achieve one day as well.

But most of all, I'm thankful for the family I have - whether the one I grew up with and have spent what feels like countless thanksgivings with, the one I married into that I can't wait to see and enjoy merriment on Saturday, the one I share with my darling wife with a 16-month-old daughter who is already outsmarting her dumbass dad, or the extended Fantasy football family of friends that I consider all of you fuckers.

I mean this from the bottom of my nut-sack: love you guys. And while my ass remains out of the playoff jackpot, I still love following every god damn matchup every week. The blowouts, the comebacks, the teams playing down to their competition, the absolute fucking brutal heartbreak losses - I love them all almost as much as I do the managers who run these absolutely busted ass rosters.

So take care out there, have a wonderful fuckin Thanksgiving today, and I hope the binge eating and carries you through the weekend. We've got like 5 straight days of football to celebrate - whether it's the NFL, college, or even high school - so enjoy it to the fullest.

See y'all next week.