Yeah so. This week's gonna be a little lean.

While I don't have any league-wide memery to share, I do have specific targets of my ire:

Deshaun vs. Burrow

It was great watching how happy Joe was for Jake Browning, and I think that type of sideline help gave Jake the confidence he needed to completely fucking kick god damn ass in the game.

Now.. where have I seen this before? And how can I connect this back to my favorite team?

Hmmmm...

NFL Quarterbacks vs. Injury

Like most NFL fans, I echo that empty gesture of "I don't root for injuries" but I'm different because I'm me, and I totally mean it. And yes, I don't even root for Deshaun to get injured - but that's because I want him to have to play and get his fucking face smashed in by as many blind-side tackles as possible.

As far as players I actually enjoy, I'd have to say that Joe Burrow going out for the season is easily the most bummed I had gotten for an IR'd player. Kirk Cousins is also up there because of how hard he balls out, and similar to the Bengals, those franchises just can't fucking catch a break unless it's their own franchise QB's leg or something.

Now, what the fuck is my point? Well it would be that another Factory of Sadness Franchise has potentially entered the fray:

I'm sorry, Jags fans. I guess ol' faithful rings true: God Hates Jags.

Truly tragic shit. I really hope that long-haired hippy motherfucker gets back on the field. Jacksonville had themselves maybe half of one game in control of their AFC Seeding Destiny, only to end up on the losing end of a battle with Jake fucking Browning. Jesus Christ.

Lmao Eagles

Now. I don't personally have any sort of direct hatred of the Eagles. I thoroughly enjoy rooting for them because I feel a kinship with Philly as a fellow salty Northeast city asshole. While John Wick can kill someone with a pencil, Philly fans can commit mass murder with a 9Volt battery. Hell, at least one of their fans literally ate shit when the Eagles won a championship.

Sure, that championship came at the expense of the Patriots in one of the most exciting Super Bowls ever played (after XLIX, XXXVI, XXXVIII, and LI of course), with iconic plays and players like the Philly Special, BDN, and Brandon Graham's strip sack, it should lead to me being super duper spiteful.

But it doesn't. Not historically speaking. There are plenty of other franchises that I hate so much more.

Howevah. The confidence and swagger of this team and their fans is so fucking easy to hate and abhor. It's on a level close to those Ray Lewis Ravens teams. I'm sure that's what most of you peasants who hated the Greatriots at their peak probably felt as well.

So when the team gets it's face kicked in like Philly did against San Francisco, even a blowout is super fucking entertaining to watch,

So yeah. I'd be doing everyone a disservice if I didn't address how fucking funny that shit was,

OK OK OK. I'm done.

Oh no wait, one more,

Hehe.

Fantastical Nightmares

HEY YO YOU FUCCBOIS, LET'S GET FAHKEN PUMPED UP FOR THEM SHITS. YOU FINALLY GET OVER YOUR HEARTBREAKING LOSS IN WEEK 13? WELL LET ME BRING IT ALL BACK UP TO SHIT ALL OVAH YOUS.

DON'T WORRY. THIS REGULAR SEASON'S OVER, AND NOW THE FUN WILL MOTHAH FAHKEN BEGIN - AND BY FUN I MEAN FEWER FUCKING MATCHUPS TO RECAP. CAN'T FUKKEN WAIT HO-LEE SHIT.

L - (7-6) Time for Salad

W - (9-4) I'm Thinkin' RBs

And with that, the end for Time for Salad has arrived.

Some would blame the Bye week for completely fucking over this streaking team: Davante would have absolutely filled in where Old Man Thielen would not. Justin Tucker might have outdone Jason "Colonel" Sanders. Gus Bus .. would have started.

Others would blame the complete and utter failure of Austin Ekeler to make any sort of impact on the countless Fantasy rosters he's continued to plague. The fucker takes up a roster spot despite not producing anything of value. All he ever contributes is countless amounts of doubt on whether or not to start him, giving owners the Fantasy FOMO that leads to so many god damn Fuck-Bombs over the course of our shared sunday experiences.

Me?

Well. I blame the obvious:

I mean. It's right in the name.

I'm Thinkin' RBs is now thinkin Postseason run. As opposed to the streaky-as-fuck commissioner he went again, he's been consistent and stayed the course. And for that, he's been rewarded with the third seed in these playoffs.

As his name would indicate, he's been receiving great running back performances - with one of the better ones held out because of the stupid fucking Bye week. Toss in a dude who's now sharing a record with the great Jerry Rice (Mike Evans) and lastly give the whole product some Love - and well, you got yourself a chance at that championship.

Having Llamar coming off a Bye, a very capable Jets D/ST, and Jake "The Make" Elliott as accoutrements just adds to those wonderful chances.

Good luck, you son of a fucking bitch.

W - (9-4) Sunstroke Serenaders

L - (4-9) The Bryce is Right

Deadlier than being trapped in a compact car with stuck windows, riding next to me after I've eaten a pound of steak wrapped in bacon, we have the Sunstroke Serenaders showing off a fucking stupid god damn hi-octane roster of players who shit points like I'll be shitting after we arrive at our shared destination.

And that's with 55+ between DeVonta Smith, Michael Pittman Jr., and Nico Collins who rode the bench. I realize this is fucking fantasy sports so one week of excellent play doesn't indicate fuckall about the next week, but it's tough to assume this team will do anything but keep it rolling. I MEAN LOOK AT IT. JESUS FUCK. THE EAGLES GOT THEIR SHIT PUSHED IN AND YET AJ BROWN TOPPED 11+ AND DEVONTA GOT 15+. WHAT THE FUCK?

The Bryce is Right wraps up his inaugural season. And while it ended with an L, it's not without its completely valid excuses to serve as the always important coping mechanism that some of us ride throughout the offseason, only for our confidence to rise from the ashes like the phoenix come draft time.

• Poorly timed Bye weeks.
• Brutal injuries sidelining fucking insanely high-scoring players.
• The Chargers.

These are the the foes you must vanquish in order to make it far in this stupid fucking league. God damn I hate it here sometimes.

Oh. Excuse me. I didn't mean to make it about me. Again..

What was I talking about?

Oh right: STAY OUTTA MY BOOZE.

L - (8-5) Australian Heath Ledgers

W - (9-4) The Koi Pond

What's the sound of Australian Heath Ledgers entering the playoffs?

Unlike your namesake, you are one lucky son of a bitch. You rode a god damn four game losing streak into the playoffs!! Holy fuckin hell. Thankfully, you didn't lose much other than your god damn fuckin pride. We ain't got bye-weeks in #thisLeague. No sir. We go hard right off the fucking bat.

And what does The Koi Pond get for winning? Sure, he gets the number one seed, but just like I had mentioned just in the last section: enjoy your miserable kiss of fucking death.

Yeah. So what does The Koi Pond get as a reward for paying like, $130 dollars for Kelce at the auction? And then another $65 for McCaffrey, and then $45 for CompactDisc Lamb? Welp: he gets that number one seed, and two more weeks of Australian Heath Ledgers.

I have to admit: that's kinda neat. I don't think I remember that ever happening before.

L - (3-10) The Helen Keller Exorcists

W - (6-7) Everywhere Roll Tide

Man. The team owner did his god damned best impression of an actual Helen Keller with this week's lineup.

I mean. All the details, down to the inability to react to a Bye week just like the actual corpse of Helen Keller. Good fucking God. I don't fault Everywhere Roll Tide for absolutely destroying this historical figure to biblical proportions.

It was like watching prime Macho Man Randy Savage absolutely beat the hell out of some 13-year-old child.

Ultimately, I may have to cut this one short because at this point, I'm just going to be making fun of physically disabled people and really, they don't need to be catching strays as a consequence of a perfectly able-bodied person relying on a room-temperature IQ to run their fantasy team.

PS. No offense - but maybe a little. I mean. Come on.

L - (2-11) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

W - (8-5) It's a Tide Ad

Holy fucking god damn. It's a Tide Ad made such an incredible attempt to land that final playoff spot. He needed everything to fall apart for Australian Heath Ledgers and god damn, it almost happened. But sadly, despite scoring what is an insane amount for this league - he fell short by fewer than 6 fucking points.

God damn what a brutal outcome, especially given that HE HAD TWO PLAYERS NOT EVEN SCORE POINTS.

If I were to blame anyone, it'd obviously be Hollywood Brown. How the fuck does some that mediocre get that nickname?? It doesn't make any god damn fucking sense. What's like, three tiers lower than Hollywood? Indie? Nah, those movies at least have effort and character.

I swear, it's more like Marquise "B-Reel" Brown or some shit. Maybe Marquise "YouTube Short" Brown.

Oh wait, Marquise.mov.

W - (8-5) The Super Wicked Problems

L - (5-8) Neon Dion DeSantis

You know what. I'll give you that name change for our matchup because frankly, Rob's road is done. The longest road got longer. Maybe he just went completely off-road for all I know.

Anyway, this stupid fucking meaningless game was god damn fucking bullshit. In an effort to help Helen Keller Exorcists feel a little more welcome, I fucking forgot to pick up a god damn fucking kicker. Although I do appreciate The Super Wicked Problems helping my ass out by starting that garbage Cowboys D/ST and netting negative points to help offset my stupid fucking idiot roster management.

But yeah, my playoff run died long ago. The Super Wicked Problems needed his own string of miracles to make it in, and while he tied the fourth seed, that god damn tie-breaker is a god damn ball buster.

So yeah, this was probably the least consequential matchup of the entire weekend. Seriously. Nothing disastrous. Nothing to be excited for. No dumpster fire to enjoy watching grow into an ecological disaster. Just a couple of dipshits being dumbasses.

Fin.

Welp. That's week 13 in the books! December is fuckin here and hope y'all are pumped for more holiday shenanigans!

I'll keep this short and sweet because frankly, I'm pretty fuckin sick and just want to get back to bed to play Metroid Dread and eat some soup.

Take care this week, stay healthy, don't forget to get whatever god damn presents you need to, and see you all next week! Love you guys - take care!