I played a little hookie from work and went apple picking last Friday. And let me tell you: I know a thing or two about apples and apple picking. Shit, I'd consider the region I grew up in as the land of Apple Orchards.

With the the birthplace of Johny Appleseed just a hop, skip, and a couple exits down route 2 away, several surrounding towns have been blessed with some of the tastiest tradition of titillating apples.

Growing up, it seemed like whenever Field Trip season came to be at school, the primary go-to was a god damn Apple Orchard. Want to go on a cheap date? Take that bitch to an Apple Orchard. You happen to be fuckin higher than pterodactyl pussy and want to enjoy the outdoors and munch on delicious food? Let's roll one more and hit up an Apple Orchard.

So yeah, I don't want to toot my own horn too much but,,,

Toot toot.

New age orchards

So let me get back to the original story: Rachel and I took our talents to Tougas Apple Orchards, and the place was really fuckin quaint. It was like some kind of mini Orchard Disney world with animals, a fuckin pretty picnic area, extra buildings you could buy food and kitschy shit in, even what looked like 8 fuckin tractors for hay-rides.

Definitely one of the better setups for celebrating the best of the four seasons.

I'll get to those shits later (maybe), because I need to say that these new-fangled god damn orchards are fucking weird.

I'm used to the classics. Like Carlson's orchards. Like Doe orchards. Like Honeypot Orchards.

You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones where you can walk all around actual fucking apple trees:

These god damn modern aberrations are more akin to fuckin apple hedges or some shit.

It's like they plant rows and rows of apple poles, connect them together with several wires to keep them in line, and then trim any fuckin excess branches.

Sure, the apples this technique produces are fuckin delicious, and I'm sure it's insanely simpler to maintain this formation of apple tree but god damn it's without soul. The magic and mystery of getting lost between apple trees is completely lost. Keeping track of kids is so much easier because these shits just create walls of apples, no more criss-crossing between everything. Trying to sneak in some booze or a couple hits is so much fuckin harder because there's no where to hide.

That said, I have to repeat: the apples were fucking juicy, crisp, and tasty as fuck.

But yeah, fuck change.

Shout out to Bolton

One of the most important parts of apple picking is at the end, after you put your huge 40 lb sack of apples in the car and check yourself to ensure that you didn't separate your shoulder too badly: the apple cider donuts.

I don't really know when these fuckers came to be because I don't remember them from my childhood whatsoever, but they are so fucking good - and you gotta make sure you get the cinnamon sugar or whatever the fuck it's called. I feel like I've never met one that I didn't like, and the very best ones are made so fresh they're still fucking warm. Like, I don't even think there's such thing as a legitimate grading system for apple cider donuts. There's really just two categories:

• Having apple cider donuts
• Not having apple cider donuts

But that aside, apparently boston.com called out Bolton Spring Farms!

Don't believe me? Well fuck you, read this.

Yeah sure, they're really fucking good. But so are the donuts from a handful of other places we've gotten them fresh (shout out to Shelbourne orchards - your apple picking sucked donkey dick, but the donuts were divine).

That said, the place is a local stop just a little bit from our house so I guess I'll show some pride and FIGHT ANY MOTHERFUCKER THAT QUESTIONS THEIR DELECTABILITY (if you visit, bring cash cause they are perhaps the only cash-only place left in the region).

Ultimate Apple Power Rankings

I'll put this stupid fuckin preamble to a rest with a quickie power ranking because the wife and myself have strong opinions about apples and have yet to be ever proven wrong.

1. Jonagold

The reigning GOAT for me personally. Sure, the wife wasn't as fond of them as I was but it's my column and god damn it, I'm putting it number one (sorry babe, please forgive me). Easily the juiciest, crispiest, sweetest bite I took while picking. It was so fucking good I wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. Like seriously, I was unbelievably obnoxious.

2. Honeycrisp

A mutual love by the wife and myself. We picked so fucking many of these at the orchard because they're both delicious and pretty easy to bake with. Actually, this was made:

3. Granny Smith

I fuckin hate these things, but the wife loves them. I'm just not a fan of tart - but if I were, these bitches would be highly rated by me as well.

4. Macintosh

They're perfectly adequate.

5. Pink Lady

I get this shit in stores all the time. It's such a weird shape because it's dimpled like a golf ball, but god damn if it isn't juicy and sweet.

[like, 40 different strains]

n-1. Pinova

People wouldn't shut the fuck up about the tropical flavor or whatever about this one, but we couldn't locate that taste anywhere. Nice and crisp, but we couldn't find any worth writing home for. Although I did bring a couple home because, why not?

n. Macoun

The fuckin budweiser of apples. I thought I really liked these, but no. They just aren't good.

n+1. Fuji

Why is it that everywhere that sells apples has this bullshit? What is up with the word "Fuji" that people love throwing on shit to fool people into thinking it's high quality. Fuji water is from like, a Pensacola or Scarborough or some shit. Fuji apples are lamer than macouns.

NFL GAMERY

Brocos @ Chefs

What the fuck was this. I was promised pulverized Bronco ribs slathered in KC bbq sauce.

Instead it was just this disgusting bullshit,

Thank God Sean Payton was so abrasive, it actually distracts people from shitting on Belichick too much

Ravens @ Tittans @ England

Fuck that. I chose to rake fucking leaves outside.

Commies @ Flailcons

Anyone remember when I actually provided commentary on these games instead of just straight up stolen memery?

No? Yeah, neither do I.

Vikes @ Brrs

And yes, it is real:

Bitch Pigeons @ Bungles

49IRs @ BOROWNS

CONGRATS - THIS IS THE MEME GAME OF THE WEEK

heh.

Carolina Pulled Pork @ The fish

Instead of some silly sports memes, I share a word from my God, our sponsors:

On second thought, let's scope out the horrific violence wrought on by Hekker,

Clots @ Jaggin off

NOOOOOOO @ Tejans

CJ Stroud finally tossed an interception. Neato.

Boo England @ Rrrrrrrrrraidrs

STL Cards @ LARs

I'd rather watch,

Iggles @ Jest

Now that was a loss that,

This is for all the fans who (tried to) watch the end of the 49ers game before Fox fucked up a nation of NFL fans,

Lions @ Buccos

Gints @ Bill's

daLLas @ LAClippers

Just your average Chargers fan,

Let's a gooooo!!

W (4-2) The Koi Pond

L (1-5) Everywhere Roll Tide

Sometimes it pays to take risks, and other times it's completely fucking insane to carry two kickers AND two defenses. At least Everywhere Roll Tide started the right kicker, but completely botched that D/ST gambit.

And holy flirkin' shnit: you picked a helluva time to start Damien Harris. Poor kid got a singular yard and earned himself a nationally televised ambulance ride to the hospital. I really hope he's doin all right. Always seemed like such a great person and player.

And what the fuck has happened with Patrick Mahomes? I swear he's been replaced with an imposter,,

What does 4-2 get you? Well, the Koi Pond got himself into fuckin 6th place. What the fuck, are we still super fucking top-heavy? Jesus titty-fuckin Christ.

L (4-2) It's a Tide Ad

W (2-4) The Bryce is Right

Oh hell yeah, fellow Joe. Takin down a goliath in It's a Tide Ad mostly thanks to Kiss my Butker and Zay's first fuckin' touchditty. I guess Justin Herbert and Kenny Walkie III get some credit, but they just met their projected numbers - get them shits up if you want lauding you lazy fuckers.

More and more, any wins that The Bryce is Right can scrape together will seem like miracles given how fuckin brutal some of the injuries he's got to deal with:

• Justin Jefferson is irreplaceable
• Jahmyr Gibbs' pride will never recover
• Miles Sanders is apparently hurt or some shit?

And it looks like we have another double Kicker & D/ST haver in It's a Tide Ad. The fuck is this shit? Are those positions really that sought after??

PS. Jakobi and Dalton both scored 12.1 each, and that's pretty neato!

L (2-4) The Helen Keller Exorcists

W (4-2) I'm Thinkin' RBs

Should we call in a wellness check for The Helen Keller Exorcists? Startin' injured players on their Bye week is pretty symbolic and a cry for help. Plus it's fucking brutalizing my own ego seeing that his god damned auto-pilot ass is outscoring me, someone who is struggling for his own fantasy football life.

Mr. I got RBs on my mind held up pretty well - and even went against his own team name and philosophy by starting a wide receiver in the flex, and being rewarded with a preeetty decent performance! Always impressive to see such discipline on display.

Also,, what the fuck? Jonnu Smith leaves the Patriots and seems to be doing pretty well for himself on a fucking team that already has a young stud Tight End. The fuck? Where the fuck was this shit for the Greatriots, you motherfucker? You too good for Mac's passes? You prefer Desmond "the" Riddler over the miggity Mac?? FUCK.

W (5-1) Sunstroke Serenaders

L (4-2) The Super Wicked Problems

Holy fuck what a battle of 4-1 teams. Yeah sure it wasn't that close but I like the spirit of the matchup. Always a fan of matches that matter, and this one has a little bit of gravity behind it. LOVE IT.

No idea how intentional it was, but I'm loving a team named Sunstroke Serenaders depending on the offense of a team that literally built their stadium to give their opponents as high odds as possible to get sun stroked out.

Them Dolphins are serious business, and I'm deciding that Waddle riding the bench is a disrespectful flex - especially that shitshow Carolina team.

And I'm fuckin watching you Super Wicked Problems. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt with your starting of Tyler Allgeier because you had to with Jaylen Warren on BYE.

But god damn, if I ever lose my Baejan Robinson and you get to capitalize with Allgeier, I just may have to spend extra time coming up with stupid fucking photoshopped memes in response.

PS. Holy shit, Cooper Kupp just stole Puka Nacua's essence like Ursula did to Ariel or some shit.

W (2-4) League Champ 2 Chump

L (1-5) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

Wait, you were League Champ? Or is this some reverse jinxery?

Anyway, solid win by the commish despite having the ageless Adam Thielen on the bench. I understand it: shit I would have definitely started Davante vs. the Patriots because that New England team sucks shit and frankly, I'm shocked he only got 2.9 fucking points like some god damn chump. But then again, I fuckin suck at this shit so what the fuck do I even know?

I'm super fuckin impressed with the Kyren Williams perforamnce; an absolute hero performance along with the Chiefs D/ST and Justin "I'M BACK, YOU MOTHER" Tucker.

And well .. Cooper did the best he could but,, god damn

W (5-1) Australian Heath Ledgers

L (2-4) Neon Dion DeSantis

I don't really know what to say here. I got my shit completely and utterly pushed in. I was so close to getting my fucking score doubled-up it hurts my pride holy shit.

Weeks like these get people getting all existential about their own Fantasy Football mortality. To get over this shit, I just need to drop a hit or three of LSD, crank up Third Eye by Tool, and stare at Winamp visuals.

There we go. Better.

Congratulations you contendah from down undah.

..you jerk.

Joe Power Rankings

1. Joe
2. Joe

Fin.

See you later, week 6! Bring on [Street Fightin' Man] WEEEEEK SEVUUUUUHHNNNN!!

With that, we are fuckin firmly in October and this Autumnal season and while that may not mean fuckall for people living in certain regions of this giant landblob of a country, we all at least are here and happily enjoying the greatest season of them all: The NFL Season.

The good and bad are separating like oil and water, with the god awful teams are curdling like the Baileys Irish Cream in a carbomb.

I hope everyone's enjoying their fantastical football season and somehow making it to the end of these fucking columns from time to time.

Take care everyone, stay safe, and PLAN YOUR HALLOWEEN SHIT NOW. DON'T BE LIKE ME AND WAIT UNTIL AMAZON CAN'T SAVE YOU WITH 2-DAY DELIVERY.