Happy turkey day everyone!

It was kind of a wild week at work so I ain't got shit in regards to recaps for week 11 games. But I can't let y'all walk away empty-handed, so here's my best attempt.

Ravens and Bengals or some shit

What a brutal loss for the NFL as a whole. Joe Burrow was an awesome story of a kid who literally played himself healthy.

Instead, the Culkin misses the rest of the fucking 2023 season.

Steeers @ Browns

Browns going with the Trent Dilfer/Ravens strategy with DTR. Good for them. Let's see where this goes.

Bears @ Lions

oh god i don't know

Charge @ Packers

Dramatic footage of Justin Herbert's career,

Raiders @ Dolphins

oh I dont fuckin care

Giants @ Commies

Oh hell yeah

oh my god there are so many more

christ, I still have to go through and proof-read this shit, and make sure that the writeups are actually kind of fucking funny

Canadian Football League

Congrats Canadia.

Oh wait, Browns again

Cards @ Tejans

Jets @ Bills

I ain't got shit except this thing. I think it's neato.

Hawks @ Rams

Oh my god. How many more of these are there.

I think that just means it's time for some delicious climax,

Vikes @ Broncos

God damn what the fuck is going on with Denver? It was so much fucking fun when that Broncos team sucked ass. So many hilarious fucking memes about Sean Payton coaching a team with the worst fucking defense in like, the history of the god damn league. Remember when Miami scored 70 fucking points on them?? What the fuck happened to that hilarious shit??

Now Denver is IN THE FUCKING PLAYOFF HUNT?? WHAT THE FUCK.

I hate this. It's fucking bullshit.

Eages @ Arrowhead

This might be my favorite ever tweet ever tweeted.

And of course the obligatory followup,

But as far as this game, what the fuck was that? Chiefs looked god damn near unstoppable. The defense was monstrous, shutting AJ Brown down and completely bottling up Hurts. But then it came down to the hands of a couple fucking KC receivers,

I think maybe there's simply too much oil used in KC BBQ or something. It's the only explanation. Just look at the fuckin fans, they can't secure any sort of catch either,

Yikes. OK. I think I kinda pulled it off.

Well. I think I was able to piece together maybe the weirdest week of NFL football recaps in recent memory. I may have not referenced every game, I may not have like ... any actual NFL highlights, and I may not have a third item here, but I'm satisfied with it.

Hope y'all are as well.

All right. Time to finish off this bad larry and proof-read it to make sure there are some funny parts in it.

Let's recap some fantasy nightmares

L (7-4) Sunstroke Serenaders

W (6-5) Cryptocurrency Cucks

Well god diggity damn, our Glorious Commissioner keeps his playoff chances alive with a gahd damn WIN!

I'd love to provide some details on whether or not he has a win streak, but ESPN can be such a fucking obnoxious fucking platform for finding some of the simplest god damn data.

Don't even get me started on trying to find the exact same shit on the mobile app compared to the desktop web page. Yeah, I should have some added sympathy given my occupation as a web developer but you know what? WE TRY TO MIMIC EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FEATURE BETWEEN MOBILE APP AND WEB APP. FUCK YOU ESPN. GET YOUR SHITTY ASS TOGETHER.

Anyway, the matchup. Good shit from the Crypto Fucks. Probably the biggest surprises are:

1. Davante is back? Maybe?
2. Kyler "Just one more loot crate" Murray is a gahd damn franchise qb. Right?

RIP Burrow. That sucks, but at least now the Strokers can really go hard into TuAnon. It makes the roster really god damn fuckin Dolphin heavy, but everyone knows that the real colors that thrive in the winter are teal and bright orange.

L (8-3) Australian Heath Ledgers

W (7-4) The Super Wicked Problems

First off, I need to dedicate this matchup recap to the memory of one Gabe Davis,

I see you, Tee Higgins. Don't think you're next.

I don't really know what happened, but he was a man. A man of contrasts. His top export was maize. A complex person who has moved on to bigger and better things.

yeah so, with the loss them Australian Heath Ledgers tumbles all the way down to first place, while The Super Wicked Problems rockets up to fifth.

And why no, I don't get paid for this analysis, how do people know??

PS.

W (7-4) It's a Tide Ad

L (7-4) I'm Thinkin' RBs

Holy fuckin hell. HOW MANY 7-4 TEAMS DOES THIS LEAGUE FUCKING NEED?? What is this, fucking five?? God damn this stupid god damn crowded playoff field.

Oh gee. Looks like Llamar Jackson finally fucking produces after his team scores 30+ and for what? Fuckin nothing. A 20+ fucking point loss. Where the fuck was any of this god damn production in any of the previous fucking weeks, huh??

I'm Thinkin RBs needs some fucking help. Unlike Arby's delicious roast beef, his RBs are slowly going bad: Achane is back on the pain train, and Dameon Pierce .. well.

That Tide Ad tho. Found a replacement for Dallas Gogurt in the best way possible. And he was able to stave off a loss while Alvin was on the Bye week visiting his brothers (they're brothers, right?).

W (4-7) Everywhere Roll Tide

L (3-8) The Bryce is Right

I'm fairly sure Everywhere Roll Tide just might be the hottest team in the league. Although that could just be because my dipshit ass lost to them last week, so them and the {enter Rob's team name here} are the only two teams I can confidently say have at least two game win streaks.

[EDIT: oh wait lmao, Rob lost to Helen Keller]

Maybe it was depending on the Denver Dual-Threat Receivers for too long. Maybe it was depending on Tractorcito not aging 48-years this year. Maybe they were born with it. Maybe it's congenital.

Either way, this Roll Tidery roster seriously should have rolled more teams this season. Oh well,

In a similar vein, this fuckin The Bryce is Right team just can't seem to get the dominoes to fall their way. Herbert and Gibbs just continue to absolutely god damn fuck up the opposition while the rest of the roster is just struggling to keep their shoes tied.

On the bright side, at least they have the right Zay. Not that shitbag one in Jacksonville. So that's nice.

W (2-9) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

L (7-4) The Koi Pond

And here we have yet another team who just couldn't capitalize on the top seed losing in week 11, giving us a review of the 5th fucking team in total that has seven god damn wins.

Christ, The Koi Pond really must have been feeling himself or some shit, starting two fucking Tight Ends. What kind of murderous sociopath, serial-killer shit is this?? Yeah sure, who the fuck even would have guessed Jameson Williams would have topped 10 points and change, but who cares. Starting two Tight Ends is a straight up call for help.

Man. What the fuck is wrong with Pooper Kupp, huh?

Who the fuck does he think he is? 1.1 fucking points?? What the fuck is that? Combined with Ja'Marr and you only had 8.3 points between the two? What a stupid fucking 2023 this has been. Those two superduperstars were eclipsed by fucking Darrell Henderson Jr. who is literally not on a team for week 12.

Speaking of dual-threat WRs, this San Diego SaQanon Barkleys mother fucker has the market cornered on fringe-flex receivers from Green Bay. Picked a rough week to keep 'em benched, but speaking of psychopath red flags, starting either of them over Kupp/Chase would have resulted in a wellness check on your ass.

L (3-8) The Helen Keller Exorcists

W (5-6) Neon Dion DeSantis

Holy fuckin shit. 130+ points?? What fucking league am I looking at? Thank God I fucking poured on the points because if I'm gonna make a playoff run I fucking need that point tiebreaker. And wouldn't you know it,

I'm only 4, maybe 5 plane crashes away from a playoff spot. Let's fucking goooo.

It's fuckin wild to me that despite being completely on auto-pilot, this stupid fucking Helen Keller team can actually score some mother fucking points. He wouldn't have beat me, but this fucker could have easily surpassed 100 points this week if he didn't play the obvious dead weight players.

Sometimes it's better to be lucky than smart. And god damn, if there's a name synonymous with good fortune, it's Helen Keller.

Fin.

And there we have it! Week 11 is done a mere ... 4 or so hours before Week 12 starts! I feel like I'm back in high school getting my math homework done just the period before, during CAD class. Ahh sweet, sweet nostalgia. After all, what are deadlines for if we aren't supposed to go butt-up against them?

Good luck in week 12 everyone, and most importantly: Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! Today the wife and I travel to her sister's place to celebrate. Tomorrow, I drag the wife to my parents (mostly willingly). I'm pretty fuckin pumped that I get a double-dose of fresh Turkey over the next two days - and with the Black Friday Game, it'll make Thanksgiving Pt. II even more authentic!

I'm extra hopeful that this column gives all you fuckers a little laugh, and possibly a reason to take an extra couple minutes in the bathroom when you eventually need to escape away for a break from the holiday maelstrom.

Just remember: the Holidays are just beginning. Tomorrow marks the official start of Christmas music entering society. Christmas Trees will start showing up on top of everyone's cars. And folks like myself will be excitedly putting off holiday shopping until December 20th.

Ahhh. I love this season.

Take care everyone. Please travel safe and binge responsibly. Love y'all.