Good lord, I'm terrible at titles

The Remake Game

So this has little to nothing to do with the NFL - but it was something that came to me while watching some dumbass ad for the new Home Alone movie on Disney+ after catching a previous SNL with Kieran McCulkin:

Instead of just status-quo remakes, can we get like .. some movies that pay homage to the shit we ate up as kids (I mean content, not actual wet shit), but targeted to our now-adult selves?

Can we get a Home Alone where Mac is really old, broke, and actually needs to rob some house? Instead of the perspective of some kid, we get a late-30s deadbeat dipshit that we can all relate to? Like, thanks to Buzz being a belligerent anti-vaxxer, both parents passed away when he wouldn't help them get to the hospital.

Then his sister could be someone who happened to be on the observation deck of Tower 1 (he had a sister, right?).

And then any remaining sibling could just be actually Kieran.

Kevin could have nightmares about the Pigeon Lady, and it turns out the Shovel Guy next-door was schizophrenic and thought the thieves were actually crab people (taste like crab, talk like people).

Make this some super dark comedy and you'll make heaps of cash from us Millennials. We love content, especially content that's inspired by shit we used to god damn love from the before-time.

You know, the long-long ago from when we were growing up in the 90s (and some of us in the early aughts) when the World seemed so fuckin simple and easy to obtain for us Fatmericans. Then we had to live through a couple wars and a few economic recessions.

Then everything we were taught through movies, tv, comics, and pop-culture turned out to be completely fuckin wrong. We were promised pay-phones that allow me to travel beyond our virtual reality, we were promised a decent career if we started in the mail room, we were promised a god damn robot uprising.

Instead, all we fuckin got was so much of our generation just now coming to realize Rage Against the Machine is political and a Transformers franchise consisting of nothing but some LeBoof kid and Lens Flares.

So fuck you Michael Bay. Give me a 30-years-after, somehow-alcoholic Rodimus Prime talking about how he actually got Optimus Prime killed to a group of Transformerlings.

Don't give me some bullshit Transformer movies WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE OPTIMUS PRIME HIS GOD DAMN FUCKING MASK. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD THE NERVE TO DIGITALLY ANIMATE OPTIMUS' STUPID LITTLE MONKEY MOUTH TALKING.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCKING WHY???

DJax

So. We've had some fun with dumbass athletes saying dumbass things. No one gets through it unscathed:

Tom Brady told us that you can drink water instead of using sunscreen.

Drew Brees joining the conversation several years too late, with info several years too old

We'll take the ball, and we're gonna score.

Head Coach Edition: Coach doesn't know why he did things.

Ryan Tanneyhill doesn't know dick about NFL division and conference alignment

Backup quarterback Matt Moore then quizzed him on a few teams. Tannehill had the Chiefs in the NFC East and the Giants in the NFC North. And then Moore laughed and said, "How do you not know this?"

Good fuckin lord, Tanneyhill.

"Holy shit, there are ties in football?"
McNabb (probably)

So this all brings me to, a couple years ago we had quite the fuckin statement from waaaay Left Field:

What the holy fuck is this nazi shit?

Yeah anyway, I feel like it helps keep certain things in perspective - and hopefully reminds people that these superduperstar athletes have been coddled their whole lives because they're absolute human physical specimen. Very few have ever been mentally challenged, and I'm sure many of them believe They Are Very Smart™, which only makes them make stupider statements with more confidence.

Just look at Rodgers the other day, dude sounded like such a condescending dickbag talking about his good friend, Joe Rogan.

Athletes shouldn't generally be role-models. Want to highly respect their motivation/drive? Sure. Want to model your workouts after theirs? Go for it. Want to use their highlight reels to pump yourself up before taking a dump? Crush those shits.

But just be careful with which fellers you defend because they're makin big plays on the field.

Unless you're a big anti-semite, then you might just get a podcast on Showtime. (Fuck that asshole)

So Joe, what the fuck was the point of all this shit? I'm happy that the few progressive and tolerant folks among us can unite and cheer when a dipshit like DeSean fucks up,

What is it with Jackson and the fucking red zone? Does he think it's fuckin lava? Is he being extorted to stay out of there with a ball? What a bigoted dipshit. Get injured you tub of horse dicks.

Holidays

So. We got holidays. Happy Holidays. Soon. Almost.

Next week. Humbug.

GAEMS

Ravens n Miami

Just as we all predicted, the Ravens completely dominated a shitshow of a Dolphins squad. Tua is trash, and Brissett needs to come in as the savior. It's just crazy how fucking good the Ravens and AFC North division is.

Oh wait. Thank goodness I didn't have too much written for this initially.

So I'm not going to focus on the Ravens failures, more just one singular moment:

And then the MEMERY

Anyway, before we move on I feel like most of us are asking,

Wtf is this AFC North division?

Buff n Jest

Frankly, it's not a big shocker that Buffalo would end White Supremacy .. on offense.

And that's about it. I dunno.

Buccs @ WFT

First things first:  Gronk, please fucking stop the USAA ads. Please.

I feel my brain expand ever so slightly every time one of those Gronk/USAA ads come on the tv. I feel like my head wants to absolutely explode.

Second things second:  Brady, too old?

It's fuckin' wild how bad he's looked this game. I already forgot the previous one, so I can't really speak to whether it's been a 2-game shit streak. Just know that in the last two weeks, Tom Brady has two losses while the Detroit Lions have none.

Then in that final 4th quarter, I still believed that the GOAT could muster up the will to put together a game-winning drive. But good god damn, if you're a fan of clock management, that 10+ minute drive to keep Brady off the field was fucking pornography.

What a fucking clutch catch by Terry. No flag either,

MONEYMAKER,,

Falcons vs. Cowboys

Perhaps the greatest comment made about this game was,

Can someone explain why the Cowboys were not called for taunting when they made the score 28-3? Source

Second quick thing to add before moving on: Trevon Diggs is fucking incredible. I absolutely love watching that dude play cornerback, he's so amazingly talented it's absurd. He has eight interceptions already.

Saints vs Titans

Just out of curiosity, why the fuck do people tweet dramatic shit like this without a clip? Fuck you PFT. I don't care if your PFTCommenter's dad, you're a useless piece of online shit.

Florio aside, Titans are pretty dang good. Marcus Johnson is the guy and shit. Pretty neato!

...

Oh and Vrabel mentioned some shit about them having rostered and used 82 players so far this season. To give y'all some context: the record for an NFL season is 84.

Jags vs Colts

This game was way too fucking close. But the Colts will still put up a banner this season for making the playoffs or some embarrassing thing that I'm too lazy to make a specific joke about. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Lions vs Steeeeeers

This is the most impressive shit I've ever seen by the Lions. What the holy fuck is this Detroit game? How can the team have zero wins through ten weeks and I still have no idea whether Dantera is any good as a head coach?

A fucking tie. Fucking Jared Goof. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING WITH THIS DETROIT TEAM. I tried putting this stream on one of my computers to watch and it was the most ridiculously stupid car crash I couldn't stop watching. No Wafflesburger, Goff is god damn fucking horrible, and it seemed like no one wanted to win this fucking game.

Just take the sequence of events from the overtime:

Overtime!!

• Fumble
• INT
• Punt
• Fumble
• Offensive penalty
• Fumble
• Defensive penalty
• INT
• Offsides
• Fumble

Tie game.  
(source)

Browns vs. Greatriots

These fahken Patriots ahh a serious threat right now! I fahken can't fahken beleeve how fah this Mac kehd come in what? Half a season?? Ahh we gowna have a second Tawm?? What a wicked sweet fahken spawt ta be en! Fahk alla youu fake fans, I betta nawt see any at tha Packie or along that rail trail bullshit all these outta townahs love jerkin awff on. I sweaah, once the couahts let me wwalk on them shits, imma be pointin' out awll dose brand new pats hats.

So I got no end to this joke, it was just fun to type that shit out. I imagine most of you have already read it out loud to yourself a couple times. Hope I fahken NAILED that shit.

I just feel inspired after this incredible McCorkle performance. Just like, ignore that very first drive by the Browns and it was a god damn one-sided barn burner .. so really more of a pillaging than anything.

I still can't believe Odell did this.

Yeah but anyway, great fuckin game on all sides by the Patriots.

Fucking Browns. Stop fuckin sucking and shit. Although it's rough to be missing your two absolute studs at running back, hopefully at least one of them can return next week and Cleveland can take advantage of the shit division they're in.

In regards to Troy Hill, reports are saying he has movements in his extremities. Ultimately he was diagnosed with a cervical neck sprain and released from the hospital Sunday night.

vikes n Chargers

I forget if I should give a shit about this game...

[checks notes]

Meh. Vikings didn't blow the game, actually got to see them in victory formation.

BOOOORIIING

Panthers n Cards

So happy to see Cam back on a roster and being featured for his fashion. Usually he looks a little ridiculous, but today he looks fuckin great.

I hate to toss some hate at Mandler, but this is getting kind of annoying if he's gonna be doing it every week. All he has to do is file a request with the league and they'll probably approve the shit. And if they don't, then you can complain how unfair the shit is.

Shut up, Florio. The fuck you think you know about this shit?

More importantly: Cam's back.

Fuck I love that dude. I'm so happy to see him back on the Panthers, bangin the drum, and absolutely truckin defenders.

Eagles vs Broncos

Only other thing to mention is I think the Eagles are undefeated against animal teams. So yeah!

Seahawks vs Packpackpackpack

GUESS WHO'S BACK?

And of course, congratulations to Blitz Boy!

This was the game where I think my Rodgers hate boner was born. Yeah sure, I have a bias against people who talk a lot of stupid shit with confidence .. who play for other teams*

And I guess I just learned what it's like to hopelessly watch any chance at happiness disappear like dust in the wind. Just a brutal game. Definitely not worth start Mr. Wilson this week.

*Because fuck you if you think I'll ever hate Brady despite his dumbass TB12 method shit... or hell, when he was on the team, Carl fuckin Everett:

Carl Everett doesn't believe in dinosaurs because Adam and Eve didn't see them.  

Carl Everett would consider retiring if a teammate were gay.

Carl Everett doubts Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.

Carl Everett thinks Wrigley Field should implode.

Carl Everett says it is proven that 99% of baseball fans have no idea what they're > watching.

Carl Everett once head-butted an umpire.

Carl Everett was arrested in 2011 for assault with a deadly weapon and tampering with a witness.

Ok .. nevermind, I can make an exception for Crazy Carl. Fuck that guy.

And Urbina. That shit was fuckin wild. They both can fuck off.

PS. Y'all see Pete Carrol toss his Life Alert instead of the challenge flag??

KC vs. Raiders

Rams vs. 9ers

Huh. I guess the Rams still kinda suck? Or are the 9ers good?

                                     --{[REEKAPS]}--

L - 78.54 (5-5) I'm Thinkin' RBs

W - 127.12 (9-1) Australian SteveIrwins

Wellllll, it looks like the win-streak has ended for RBs - but at least it was during an off-week for most of his roster. Massively underperformed in a number of spots, and didn't even have a TE starting. I have to say: sometimes you simply need to eat an L to keep your season alive.

Yeah, I know, fuckin deep. Well, that's why you come here.

Sadly. This recap will probably be the highlight and it'll all be downhill from here. Trust me, I know myself.

But before we talk about failure, I gotta give props to the big man above:

Australian SteveIrwins at 9-1. Jesus tittyfucking Christ. This roster is an unstoppable train. And it's thanks to players who I'm not even sure are good: Jalen Hurts, D'Andre Swift, Jonathan Taylor .. maybe Antonio Gibson.

And then there are some fucking solid fantasy roleplayers on the bench. I seriously hate to actually provide this dumbass general analysis that any asshole could determine by just looking at the roster, but it needed to be actually added to league record.

Well. That and the phrase, "CeeDeez Nuts"

L - 57.44 (6-4) It's a Tide Ad

W - 109.54 (8-2) Everywhere Roll Tide

Ooooooh, new team name plus a new and relevant team logo??

Unfortunately, you got fuckin absolutely trounced by Everywhere Roll Tide. Like. Holy fuckin shit. Despite the Big Dak Energy, the entire rest of the roster just said T.Y. I'm out. Everyone fuckin underperformed. Kinda just sad to see some of those numbers.

THIS IS A T.Y. HILTON COLUMN NOW

Speaking of T.Y., have I ever mentioned players on my other fantasy football teams? You know, in other leagues? No? All right, I'll bend the rules this one time.

T.Y. has been very disappointing. And the only week he actually performed well, he was on my fuckin' bench.

The End.

Factoid: he has scored a total of 10.0 points given our league rules.

Jesus, I don't need to be talking that much about a Hilton unless it's in regards to how her dumbass boyfriend wouldn't shut up in that homemade video.

And damn. 8-2. Fuckin impressive. Despite a couple recent losses, this fuckin team chugs on like some sort of machine that travels on a pre-determined track. Laid upon the ground and criss-crossing much of the country. But not really enough to be of consequence for us regular folk, unless you want to take longer and not necessarily adhering to any sort of specific timetable.

..wait. what?

W - 73.48 (6-4) New Baby Daddy

L - 70.6 (0-10) Team Effective Like Ivermectin

God damn it.

God fucking damn it.

I had the whole squad ready to fucking live it up after you were to finally get this fucking win,

But no. You got beat up by Mr. Certified Sex Haver. It seriously appears like no one truly wanted to win this fucking game. I mean, look at this shit. That fuckin Coronavirus hairstyle receiver guy on the Panthers could have helped steal a literal, first-time win in 2021 for Ivermectin.

And even dat Babby Daddy could have reciprocated with Callaway or fuckin Cousins.

Well. Not Callaway because who the fuck is Marquez Callaway?

But starting Matt Ryan against the Cowboys? Ehhhhhhhhh. Now that's a move I can shit all over right now and people could possibly have trouble determining whether I'm wicked smaht, or just another jerkoff using hindsight.

Oh, and I also made this,

W - 106.74 (5-5) The Super Wicked Problems

L - 58.0 (5-5) That's a Paddlin'

Holy fuckin hell, another god damn pummelling of another team. Like .. holy fucking shit you almost got doubled the fuck up. By a team who got fewer than 10 points from their starting Quarterback.

And yeah. Even if you slapped in those points from you bench, you still wouldn't have won (fyi: your starting lineup + your roster = 106.34 points).

Despite the team name, at least one of your Super Wicked Problems ain't bein under .500

W - 78.38 (3-6) The Koi Pond

L - 41.8 (3-6) Essential Twerkers

Oh come on.

Now this is getting ridiculous.

41.8 points?? Fuckin, 41.8 points????

I understand that you have gotten quite fist-to-cuff'd in the poopin chute (a.k.a. assfucked) seeing how hilariously shitty your QBs were - I mean, who would even have both Rodgers and Old Man Brady on their rosters? Waste of two spots, really.

And then you seemingly have the three stooges in,

Robert Woods (IR, done for season)
Calvin Ridley (Mental health issue, done for season)
Chase Claypool (Toe injury, so obviously he's done)

All interchangeable with 0 points in week 10. I'm no professional, but moving forward I would say you are rightly F'd in the A.

Koi Pond. Not only did you win, but thanks to Ezekiel Elliott, you are bar far, the most Patriotic Fantasy Football Team this league has,

You earned this.

Sorry.

W - 82.12 (4-5) San Diego Super Marios

L - 65.44 (4-5) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Fuck. I didn't even write a recap for this until like ... 10 minutes before publishign?

I'm too fuckin tired to care right now .. so just like the effort my dipshit team put in, I'm cuttin out early.

OH FUCK I DIDN'T START STEVENSON? NO FUCKING WONDER WHY I FUCKING LOST AHHHHHH. THIS STUPID FUCKING HOBBY.

Fin.

And here we are - done with week 10, and only a giant handful more to go. Mercifully, I don't have to fucking write 8 more. All I gotta do is survive to the playoffs, at which point I may or may not continue.

Oh fuck me, of course I'll keep em going because then I get to cobble together some stupid as fuck bracket. I think I had one from 5-6 years ago .. but meh, whatever.

Good luck this week everyone, and I hope as many people as possible are taking Monday and/or Tuesday off. You all earned it for being such wonderful human beans.