Folks, when you're right 52% of the time you're wrong 48% of the time

Let's talk football.

But first, time to get into the mood:

Rainy City Bitch Pigeons @ Cards

What in the doodoo-batter-splatter were those Cardinals Jerseys?

Now, I consider myself a huge fan of a nice clean jersey, and those fuckers weren't clean whatsoever - by design.

Endzones were pretty great, though.

..oh right.. And there was a game played, which I didn't really give a shit about. Congrats to the Seafuckers.

Yikings @ Ireland Stillers

Haven't seen Vikings repelled by the Emerald Isle since the Battle of Clontarf in 1014.

Commodes @ Failcons

Hahahhaa, fucking Washington. It's going to take fucking years to wash the Snyder Stink off your franchise.

On the other hand, what in the cinnamon toast fuck is up with Atlanta? The rollercoaster of emotions this team gives fans has been driving my coworkers out of their minds.

Aints @ Bill's

I don't really fuckin care. Bills are good. New Orleans, ain't.

GPODAWUND @ Lions

Ooo...k...... welp. Over the years, the Elite Joe Flacco has cooked his way to a Super Bowl. But right now, he's fuckin COOKED. He done. Stick a fork in him. Just bring in Shadeur so I can have the absolutely fucking worst takes about him.

Pound Kitties @ Greatriots

While I've never met a man who made me question my own sexuality, Drake Maye.

Charge @ GEEEEEE-Men

Good to see the Chargers are back.

Iggles @ Buccos

It didn't seem like this was going to be competitive whatsoever, and then Philly just kept fucking up and Baker went Touchdown Maker.

Thankfully for those Brotherly Lovers, Philly secured a win after snatching a late-game turnover.

Best way I've seen this game described by an Eagles fan:

First half: Da Vinci-level masterpiece

Second half: Smearing shit on a truck stop bathroom wall

Tittans @ Tejans

Titans fucking suck. They have to be fucking Fantasy Football poison, even Tony Pollard. How does a team not score a single point??

Lolts @ Charge - no wait Rams

Aka, Indiana Jones and the Touchback of Doom

Wish I had more to offer on this one, but not sure how to discuss a game that I literally watched no footage of. I guess uhhh, Stafford is old, but he can still sling it, like an Alec Baldwin or Robert DeNiro who for some reason won't stop having kids despite their fuckin old nasty ages. Just chill out you guys, we get it. You have sex. Congrats.

God Hates Jags @ 49IRs

What the fuck, the Jags are 3-1? Holy shit. Tied with the Incredible Colts who looked remarkably human on Sunday (right?). I guess I shouldn't be surprised - although I don't think I've seen a single iota of Jaguars football yet this season, but from what I've read they have a fuckin great defense. Something like 14 takeaways in the last 3 games which is fucking nuts.

Now. As far as SF? What's been going on there..?

Raves @ Chefs

To say that this is a down year for the Ravens is truly underselling how fucking bad they've been performing this season. Since I have to base most everything I know about the NFL via the snapshots provided by Fantasy Football stats - it would appear that Llamar Jackson and Derrick Henry are both going to be forced into retirement by week 7; The Baltimore defense is being punished and has only been able to field 9 players on defense for the first 6 games; Mark Andrews was so traumatized from the postseason fuckups last season that he will never play at a high level again.

Brrs @ Rrrrraidrrrrrs

Are ... are the Bears, good? I really should catch these motherfuckers on TV because it seems like they could be a really fun team to watch with the new head coach, Caleb "fruity painted nails" Williams, and some fairly decent offensive weapons.

Or the teams they've been playing have been dogshit. Like the Raiders. Fucking wild to think that they'd be such a laughting-stock, but the more I think about it, I think the Raiders have been 8 lbs of shit stuffed into a broken ziploc bag for maybe .. over half of my lifetime? How could the franchise who drafted a drunken kicker in the first round have fallen so much?

Pack @ Boys

This is quite the, What the fuck is up with ______? week. The fuck, Packers??

Honestly. How the fuck does a primetime Sunday Night game end in a 40-40 tie?? I'm not totally against the concept of a tie, but if you're the only game, and both teams have scored more than 17 points, then keep that shit going until someone fucking wins. If it's a 6-6 game, then just give fans mercy and slap a tie on that abomination.

But 40-40?? That's a fuckin shoot-out. Keep those players playing until someone finally gets a score. Fuck player safety, no one believes in that bullshit anymore. GIVE ME A SATISFYING END. I DON'T EVEN NEED EYE CONTACT OR A HAPPY ENDING - JUST SATISFACTION.

Jest @ Lolphins

Tyreek with literally only a single leg is a better football player than human. I don't want to say I ever root for injuries but.

And while the Jets lost, I think there was some really fucking great takeaways for those NYJ fans,

Now if the head coach would stop pissing away games by trying to pass the ball. Just fucking run that shit.

Bungles @ Donkeys

What the fuck? A second Monday Night game? Is this because the NY/MIA matchup was supposed to be that fucking awful?

At least the first MNF game was kinda close so it stayed interesting, this game was fucking over before the NYJ/MIA game was even over. Holy fuck the Bungles are so fucking bad - and we have them in like, five or six more primetime games. INCLUDING A THANKSGIVING GAME. I do not want to fucking watch anymore Cincy football. That shit is fucking horrific for your health.

..Moving on..

Week 4 is in the books. We are knuckle-deep into Fall. Leaves are changing colors. Mornings are brisk, baby! September is over, so wake the fuck up,

October is next up, along with week 5 and the first set of byes. Now that I'm fuckin old, the upcoming Halloween holiday carries a completely new meaning. Instead of being excited for probably the most boob-o-riffic holiday of the season, I'm excited to get my own child dressed up in a costume. Hopefully this is the year I actually put some thought into my own costume and don't just throw on a toolbelt and go as Bob the Builder (who I've been told, is an actual thing).

Although, I have to admit that any costume that includes a tool belt is fucking prime for walking around in one of those Trick-or-Treat groups where the adults are pounding beers and the kids are scrambling from house to house. The belt I have can literally fit an entire 4-pack of 18oz cans, with plenty of room to spare for empties, coozies, and excess candy.

So what was I talking about? I can't even fucking remember, let's just move on to the fucking reacaps.

LET'S RECAP SOME HORSESHIT

L (1-3) Jimmy Kimmel Lives! 86@47
W (2-2) Sunstroke Serenaders

[JOE: Lmao god damn it Commish. You tryin to get this column on an FBI list? Which, in case you are successful: FBI, hello! Welcome to the column!]

This week has some heartbreaking losses. Holy shit, poor Commish lost what should have been a pretty sure-fire win with Kenneth Gainsyardswell on the bench, but Josh Jacobs was like: something something funny joke hah hah you lose

I guess good luck with the mindfuck that is deciding between Justin Fields and Justin Herbert going forward.

L (2-2) StreakEnders Anonymous
W (4-0) The Super Wicked Problems

Solid attempt at earning some clever-team-name karma, but it looks like no streaks were ended in week 4. StreakEnders Anonymous got themselves pounded into week 5 by mostly an awesome performance from Bijan-Love.. Wait. Is this math right? 107 fuckin points from The Super Wicked Problems?? Why does that roster not look like it should have scored that much?

Am I so easily fooled by double-digit numbers? I swear at a glance, StreakEnders would have scored more points.

Jesus, I am suffering from some extreme brain rot or something.

W (3-1) It's a Tide Ad
L (0-4) San Diego ICE ICE Babies

This Tide Ad mother fucker. You would have lost to fuckin everyone else in this god damn league, but luckily enough you happened to play against a crippled roster in San Diego ICE ICE Babies who in the spirit of the actual ICE organization, tried to brute force their way into respectability but have found losses at every turn.

But for real, ICE fuckin sucks. I actually feel bad for San Diego ICE ICE Babies because:

1. Vanilla Ice was a personal favorite of mine after the appearance in TMNT2
2. When I returned to the USA in '93 after living two years in Poland, I knew fuckin shit about any semblance of pop culture, so when some kid asked me for my favorite band I said Vanilla Ice and was made fun of so fucking badly it scarred me to the point where I bring it up in a fucking Fantasy Football column over 30 years later
3. Malik Nabers is gone for extended time if not the season
4. Terry McLaurin is probably gone for a long time despite the lack of a Q/P/O
5. Aaron Jones Sr. is deceased
6. Jaylen Warren has been replaced

I should give It's a Tide Ad his shine, but for this week, the losers get their shine.

Keep your head up San Diego ICE ICE Babies, you'll rebound. Just keep following orders and I'm sure you'll get what's coming to you.

W (3-1) Roll Tide
L (0-4) Australian Heath Ledgers

Good lord. Another 0-4 team? I do feel bad for Australian Heath Ledgers for not getting a win yet this season but come on .. you started Geno Smith over Dak Prescott? Like,, I get it: the Cowboys are a fucking joke of a franchise (which makes perfect sense that they would be America's Team), but come on now. Even with CeeDee gone, they can't possibly be that bad.

They could be, but probably not. But maybe?

Frankly, I don't fucking know. I'm a shitty writer, not a statistagician.

W (4-0) I'm Thinkin' RBs
L (1-3) Neon Dion DeSantis

God fuckin damn it. This stupid fucking bullshit. I didn't fucking need much, just for Ja'Marr Chase Brown to have a couple reasonable games, and what ends up happening? I get absolutely fucked by the god damn fucking asshole Bungles. Why did I come into this season depending so deeply on that dipshit franchise?? God damn shitface Jake Browning.

Good game, RBs.

Fin.

Welp. That's all he/she wrote, my dudes and dudettes. Good luck dealing with our first bye week, and enjoy the last few months of 2025. Just think, right around the corner is another year of potential, of adventure, of opportunities to finally make something of yourself.

Or if you're like me, another year of calcifying yourself in your ways!

Anyway, I shouldn't get too ahead of myself. Enjoy the waning season of Oktoberfest events, get that flannel out of the closet, and snort a line of pumpkin spice. Because it's October, it's fuckin Autumn, and if you don't live in a region that gets to enjoy it, well.. I guess this sentiment is meaningless.

What isn't, is that I hope y'all enjoy the rest of the MLB postseason. Well. Unless you're a fan of the Yankees, in which case I hope you suffer a brutal loss tonight and have nightmares of Trevor Story, Garrett Crochet, and Connelly Early until pitchers and catchers report.

Take care, love you all!