Vikes @ LAClippers

We begin our recap between the battle for that one chick fan who seems kinda cool,

Yeah, that's the one!

What started with so much promise, actually never started at all because this game in all reality could have been dressed in a colonial rayadillo uniform - that's right, pure seersucker.

While we had to struggle through another awful awful awful trip on down to Wentzylvania that Thursday Night, no one hated it more than announcer Kirk Herbstreieieit who cares more about the well being of his dogs than actual human being Carson Wentz.

The fuck was that comment about not showing emotion if you want to be a true alpha? Carson Wentz literally has nothing holding his shoulder together other than a couple feathers from the ducks he most recently massacred on a hunting trip.

Atlanta Flailcons

We move to the first Sunday in a long long while where we were spared the absolute horseshit that is European game so instead we got a slate of absolute horse vomit.

Leading off would be the chunks of miami tuna and atlanta chick fil aww shit.

Despite barely seeing above or to the right of his offensive line,

[Tua's swollen eye]

Tua HisrunasastartingQBmaynotbeova did as they do in Miami and blasted dline after dline rush to toss 4 fuckin touchdowns.

This mother fucking Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde team scares the shit out of me, and of course the Patriots are going to be seeing the Falcons coming off a loss next weekend. Fuck me.

The Mangold Game

Next up was the highly emotional rollercoaster of a game between the Jets and Bengals.

After dealing with a full week of being thrown under the bus and repeatedly driven over by Jets' owner Boner Penis, Justin Fields put on a very respectable performance that not only included actual completions but a whole tiddie toss.

Just when the Bengals and Old man Joe Flacco finally thought they were going to build on their one-game win streak, the Jets came absolutely roaring back complete with mathemagician moves going for the 2-point conversion late in the 4th quarter.

The Cincinnati defense is absolutely abhorrent - they gave up 39 points to a Jets offense that hadn't scored a touchdown in two fucking games. Of course, Bungle fans are used to this hell their fandom lives in.

As an aside, rest in peace Nick Mangold. You were a fucking beast, and you were fucking cursed with a kidney disease that would ultimately take your life. You were a great family man, and a friend to many.

[rex ryan thing]

"He's probably the best. He's probably the best center, I believe," Wilfork said on Thursday. "I've been saying this ever since the guy's been a rookie. He's been pretty steady for them. And it hasn't changed."

• Vince Wilfork source

Greatriots March Onward

We continue on to Foxboro, the home of the greatest fahken NFL franchise evah.

The Browns came into town hoping to give Drake Maye the toughest test of his young NFL career with their vaunted and brutal defense.

And while Myles Garrett went Kendrick Lamar on our poor boy Drake, he ultimately Maye be the last one laughing as he Charged Up and threw Back to Back (to Back) touchdowns as he shat all over the Meek Browns.

Again, I ask this every week: how the fuck did this team lose to the god damn Raiders? I don't care if New England didn't have Gonzo - that team sucks shit, and this team frankly does not.

SkattebooOOOH MY GOD

Let's go on down to Philly where the Eagles were wearing their seemingly invincible Kelly Green jerseys (5-0 when they sport the uni), playing beautiful football in that one-bridge-having piece of shit city that no one gives a fuck about,

The Eagles played near-perfect football as the Quadfather finally broke out for a great game, Jalen Hurts playing like the difficulty is set on Rookie with literally every fourth pass being a touchdown, and AJ Brown hilariously acting like a fucking internet troll.

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU GOT TWO TOUCHDOWNS AND 100+ YARDS LAST WEEK. WHAT IN THE LOVE OF GOD DO YOU NEED MORE TO JUSTIFY YOUR TIME ON THE EAGLES? YOU WON A FUCKING SUPER BOWL WITH THEM.

However, if he wants to come to the Patriots, I will personally pick him up at the airport and give him a welcome hj.

I also have to give props to the refs, incredible game by them. Great rulings.

PS. Holy fucking shit Cam Skattebo. Feet aren't supposed to point in that direction.

Any Given Sunday

Let's travel on down to Charlotte and ... wait..

• Panthers beat Falcons 30-0
• Falcons beat Bills 24-14
• Bills beat Panthers 40-9

This fuckin league, I swear to God.

Anyway, back to the game - in a growing trend, we saw yet another old man at Quarterback, but in this case the Red Rifle in Andy Dalton not just misfired, but backfired into his own fucking face and it resulted in complete fucking disaster for the Panthers.

For the first time in a couple years, the AFC BEast is back.

Monsters of the Mid

So the Ravens will have to deal with some shit because of the way they reported Llamar's participation in practice, which is going to be fucking hilarious with all the recent events regarding the NBA - but the Bears... holy fuck.

The end of the game was a complete Ben Johnson disasterclass. Caleb is incredible at making the simple look impossible.

I need a takeaway from this game

Down to Houston we go where I am completely fucking clueless when it comes to judging whether the Texans are good, or the 49IRs are just fuckin bad.

What I definitely do not know is how the fuck San Francisco continues to be one of the most injury-ridden teams every single fucking season. They must have built that new stadium on not just an old Native American burial ground, but also probably shipped in bodies from every major religion to throw in there as well for good measure.

Good luck with the Meadowlands next weekend - they will not be able to field a 53-man roster after that matchup.

The Aints aint good football

Bourbon Street is next where the jovial many and sober few couldn't possibly have enjoyed their home team play whatsoever. Holy shit, the Saints are so fucking bad.

The future ain't right

Much like in Philadelphia, there was another incredible showing by the refs on Sunday - in the spirit of the season, there were phantom whistles heard throughout the Superdome.

The Simpsons Curse Lives On

How 'bout those Cowboys??

Since Homer Simpson was gifted the Denver Broncos by Hank Scorpio on > November 3rd, 1996 they have:

Gone 261-207 (.558) in the regular season

Gone 14-10 (.583) in the playoffs

Won their division 8 times, and lead the division for a would be 9th

Won the Super Bowl 3 times, Won the AFC 4 times

Had the greatest QB season in NFL history in 2013

Never lost to the Dallas Cowboys, Homer’s original ownership choice. (8-0 > since Week 10 of 1996).

Homer Simpson is a top 10 NFL owner ever

• Source

Turns out, Marge knows ball.

Oh my god, Titans vs. Colts?

Let's head up to Mark Sanchez's personal boxing ring, Indianapolis where after 8 very, very long games, the Titans have finally eclipsed 100 points on the season.

Incredible that such a poor quality team with such poor quality ownership decided to move on from their poor quality coach for somehow an even worse replacement. Mike McCoy is a loser playing loserball.

Now, them Colts are doing some incredible things. Indianiel Jones and Jonathan Touchdown are blazing an incredible path towards their traditional loss to the Patriots in the AFC Championship game. I simply can not wait.

Old man yells at Love

As Sunday Night rolled around, it was time to head up to ... or down to.. or east to.. Fuck man, for the longest time I couldn't tell where the fuck this game took place because everything and everyone was god damn fucking yellow.

Either dickhead fromunda cheese heads to the absolutely fucking garbage Mutant League Footballesque Steelers throwbacks,

The only time I was finally able to place the location was with the Mr. Rogers reference. As a big time Neighborhead, I knew that it originally was founded and filmed in Pittsburgh.

But yeah anyway, fucking Green Bay Packers. Are they seriously going to god damn luck into another fucking hall of fame QB? Fuck outta here.

Åssholes at Arrowhead

Still actually watching this Middling Midwest showdown of teams struggling to rekindle last season's magic.

The Commies have career backup Marcus "Not at all Super" Mariota completely throwing away any chance at leaving Kansas with a win while Mahomes sucked absolute asshole through the first two quarters with zero help from Mr. Swift's bumbling hands.

The second half yadda yadda yadda, Rashee Rice is a scumbag blah blah blah. Chiefs are still not in the playoff picture so fuck them.

Recapulations

Welp fellas, it's that time again! The day after the next week's games have already started!

L (4-4) Roll Tide
W (4-4) Ceedeez nutz

WELL GAWD, DAYUM. This shit was too close to call on Sunday when I started putting this horseshittery together and boy oh boy oh boy, this matchup was a wild one to follow Monday Night.

Sure, having Patrick Mahomes is a great confidence builder for Roll Tide as they were going into a matchup despite the scoring deficit: Over the last 5 weeks, that Kermit sounding motherfucker has been playing incredibly well.

That said, you know the best way to counter that sort of roster decision?

Starting most every single fucking target that asshole could throw to. Ceedeez nutz started Rashee Rice (scumbag), Travis Kelce (bitchmade), and Xavior Worthy (human).

Worthy kinda sucked, but holy shit, Rice and Kelce easily made up for Patty Mahomiecakes.

L (1-7) San Diego ICE ICE Babies
W (5-3) ICE machine still broken

ICE machine status: still broken.

ICE machine still broken captured his fifth win of the season on the fragile, achy, and creeky back of Joe Flacco, Saquads, a bunch of general riff-raff, and the fucking Bengals.

Found it fucking wild that the most exciting game of week 8 that included a really fuckin awesome shootout was represented in this very matchup:

San Diego ICE ICE Babies had the Jets D/ST, and ICE machine still broken had the fucking Bengals D/ST.

And as you can probably imagine, they both had negative fucking points. What the fuck was that shit? The Jets D/ST is defensible (hah) because it's not actually super terrible. Shit, in week 6 it scored 10 points. But the fucking Bengals??? That defense is fucking dogshit. IT SCORED -9.0 POINTS. AGAINST THE JETS.

Jesus Christ, you have the Chargers - just start them and stop wasting a roster spot.

W (7-1) The Super Wicked Problems
L (7-1) I'm Thinkin' RBs

This shit was fucking wild. I did not expect I'm Thinkin' RBs to win this at all when I started putting this column together on Sunday. I even actually pre-wrote The Super Wicked Problems having the win and being 8-0.

Sorry I'm Thinkin' RBs, it's not that I had no faith in you, I just figured that there was no way that Deebo would be such a slapdick and that the Chiefs D/ST couldn't possibly score 11.0 fucking points.

But I was wrong. Again. For like, the thousandth time this fucking week.

There were some fucking wild curveballs thrown in this matchup:

• Jake Ferguson seriously scored zero points? What the fuck.
• Bijan al-Gaib was a god damn false prophet - only 2.8 points? What the fuck.
• Baker Mayfield only got 4.08 fucking points??? What the fuck.
• Jordan Mason sucks. This is no surprise.

While both teams had a rough BYE week, I'm Thinkin' RBs got absolutely wafflestomped. Losing out on Brock and Puka from the BYE is brutal - but tossing in Garrett Wilson in there as well is just a swift kick in the dick.

W (4-4) Sunstroke Serenaders
L (1-7) Australian Heath Ledgers

[JOE: So I was scoping out my previous column and realized that some of my commentary for Australian Heath Ledgers' last matchup (vs. yours truly) was completely all fucked up. My bad. That's what I get for not proof-reading.]

So .. well .. of all the matchups this week, this is definitely one of them.

Now, I don't want to talk down to Australian Heath Ledgers so instead, I'm going to stand beside them and discuss how absolutely bullshit it is that he had to ultimately go against:

1. Dak Prescott deciding to eat literal horseshit against the Broncos
2. Rhamondrehedron Steviewonderson fucking sucks asshole when he's not also fumbling
3. The BYE week is both cruel and harsh, and how dare six fucking teams have one
4. ROMEO DOUBS - YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP LIVING OFF THAT ONE FUCKING WEEK AGAINST THE COWBOYS, CAN YOU GOD DAMN FUCKING DO SOMETHING

This is fucking stupid. Sunstroke Serenaders barely had to suffer through anything this week - only one BYE week player, and while Jayden is injured, the Stroud Boys were able to stand back and stand by.

Then you had the favorite son of Robert Kraft shitting out a spectacular 26.3 points?? That tight end makes Justin Jefferson look like a fucking asshole pedestrian like me! ME! Shit man, Khalil "Shakira" Shakir-a and his truth-telling hips scored twice as much as Justin Jefferson.

WHEN WILL THESE ELITE ROSTERS HAVE TO PAY THEIR FAIR SHARE? WHEN?

W (4-4) Neon Dion DeSantis
L (3-5) ChauneyDid It All 4 That Pookie

What the fuck, WHY CAN ONLY ONE CHASE SCORE GOOD POINTS PER WEEK?

JA'MARR CHASE
CHASE BROWN

I CAN ONLY CHOOSE ONE? MAN. What the fuck is this shit. Yeah sure, I won, but it was on the back of like, the sole breakout performance I'm going to get from Chase Brown for the next 5 weeks.

And don't even get me started on super butthole Jacory Croskey-Merritt. The dude has like eight fucking names and I can't come up with a funny joke for any of them. It's driving me absolutely crazy. What the fuck am I supposed to go with, Jacory Feldman?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

Oh to something that's a little easiser to joke about: I'm sorry oh glorious commissioner, you lost the Alpha Meathead in Skattebo for the season, Drake London apparently decided he wasn't playing for the week, and then between Quinshon, your Kicker, and your D/ST, literally 2.7 points.

The fact that you managed to tickle the balls of 90 points for the week is fucking remarkable.

Fin.

Welp folks, the longest, most rambly of all my rambles, and it's all finally fucking done. I hope y'all enjoy what you can from it, although I swear it's more messed up than the wild creations that they came up with for John Carpenter's The Thing.

And of course here we are, it's Halloween! I hope you enjoy the end of your Spooktober, because once we roll over into November, shit's gonna get realy wild real fast. The seasons are a changin' and the holidays are fast approaching.

So have a safe trick-or-treat if your kids are into that sort of thing, and may god have mercy on your souls if they've aged out and use this time of year to get wasted (ahhh, so many blurry memories).

Take care out there, love y'all and see you at this same time and channel next week!