Preamble

It's come to my attention that people have found some discrepancies in a number of comments I've made in my past. Specifically, my rather mild opinion of, "fuck cheese."

Many of you may have called into question the integrity of my entire column history given the contradiction of my aforementioned statement along with last week's Fast Food segment in which I consume, and fairly enjoy, two burgers who contain cheese or cheese-like material.

Yeah so like, I think the first significant mistake that was made here was anyone assuming there is any sort of integrity that goes into the writing of this shite. The second is anyone thinking that I would ever yield in my opinion that cheese is the worst fucking innovation man has ever produced.

Shit man, cheese was nothing but a fucking mistake. It was a mistake that some asshole stubbornly leaned into and instead of humanity moving on from amorphous titty-milk curds, the dude survived the constant peeing from his butthole until it was popular enough that assholes everywhere starting putting it on all the god damn food they ever made.

Thirdly, and lastly: cheese is doodoo.

CHECK. MATE.

IN YOUR FACE, DAIRY LOBBY.

ENN EFF ELLLLLLLLL

Giants @ 9ers

Man. Fuck Danny Dipshit.

Dude is a absolute dumpster fire of a quarterback, I can't believe the Giants actually gave him that giant extension.

All that said, I think the fuckface Giants may have uncovered the secret to defeating the 49ers:

Tittans @ Borons

I'm struggling to find this guy on the waiver wire damn it

And now let's take a look at sexual offender, Deshaun "I'm a fucking scumbag shithead" Watson and perhaps the worst fucking play you'll see this decade,

All his other bullshittery aside, this is exactly what I'd probably do if I ever woke up and found myself under center in a real NFL game. I'd be in a rush to end the play, get benched, and check my bank account to see how much I actually get via the league minimum salary.

Speaking of bullshittery - how can a ref be this fucking bad?

PS. Ryan Tanneyhill fuckin blows

Falcons @ Detroit

Holy shit, Bijan rules so much. Dude plays angrier then those hornets I keep running over with my lawnmower.

PS. WHY WON'T THOSE FUCKING HORNETS JUST FUCKING DIE.

Nawlins @ Packpackpack

This was a game, but it didn't involve Taylor Swift or Colorado/Deion Sanders so I don't really care outside of the upcoming incredible drama that's about to be played out in determining the future starting Quarterback,

Denver is MIA

First of all, I lost so much fucking money betting on,

Number of Patriots fans that Dolphins fans will kill today: OVER 0.5 (-120)

But gambling addiction aside, this is a complicated one to go over,

As you all hopefully know: on one hand I fucking hate the Dolphins. And then on the other hand, I fucking hate the Broncos.

I'm frankly not really sure which I hate more - yes I realize one is a divisional foe who have embarrassed the Patriots during the Brady/Belichick era.. Who defeated the Patriots in Miami for decades during games in August/September.

But the fucking Broncos .. that god damn piece of shit Shannon "THKIP THKIP" Sharpe calling the National Guard and that horse-faced John Elway literally never losing to New England during his career. Jake "the snake" Plummer and that non-Hall-of-Famer Champ Bailey.

God damn it was oh, so, sweet to watch the enemy of my enemy be less of my enemy but absolutely pushing the shit in of that other enemy.

As horrifying as it is to be in the AFC BEast, it's tough not to credit this particular domestic abuser as extremely fucking good at football:

This game was a terrifying warning.

LAClippers @ Minnesotr

But I know that Keenan Allen owners were probably pretty excited after this game.

However, owners of Mike Williams (like myself) are coping the only way we know how,

I hate this fucking league and/or hobby

Past @ Jest

I'm fuckin pumped. The Greatriots have straightened themselves out and are headed in the right direction now that they've righted their ship with a win against the Zach Wilson-led Jets.

Holy fuck. What a dumpster fire of a god damn game.

I can't express how fucking much I fucking hate watching anything that JuJu Schuster does on the field. Either he completely whiffs on receptions or he leads to penalties that absolute break the back of the Patriots.

I mean thank fucking God the Greatriots could rely on one of their most prolific  ad generous opponents,

But the fact that despite Zach Wilson checked down on a fourth down pass to turn the ball over still was a buttery-handed cobb away from the craziest hail mary upset is absolutely fucking soul crushing.

..at least we don't have to deal with that Mr. INT Indicted in JC Jackson.. PHEW!

Bill's @ Commies

Good fuckin God.

Also, that last second field goal to prevent the shutout was perhaps the most pathetic offensive play for the entirety of week 3. And that included:

• team that lost 70-20
• daniel jones shitting pants
• dallas getting stomped by cardinals
• zach wilson
• daa bears

Oh wait. I think it's second place to that microwaved-brain backwards pass by Deshaun.

Texans Jaggin' off

Oh thank goodness, it's not like I have one or more Jag players on every single fucking fantasy team I run. What the fuck. The Texans?? How?? WHY??

FUCK

Colts @ Baldimore

Minshew Mania is BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS.

And ... Justin Tucker is washed?? What the fuck did I god damn watch!?

How do Ravens fans survive entire seasons of this shit?

Panthers @ Seahawks

I can't believe this was one of the three afternoon games, WHICH ACTUALLY:

Having 9 fucking games in the early slot and then only fucking three games in the afternoon is such a fucking bunch of diseased rat shit.

PS. FALSE START, NUMBER 79

Bears @ Chefs

Much like Mahomes, the excitement I had for this game was palpable,

So while we already had one complete shit-pumping of a matchup result between Miami and Denver, I was so excited to get one that would actually matter in the afternoon! Sure, the Dolphins and Broncos are actual, true-to-life NFL teams, but neither of them had T-Swizzle in attendance.

Oh wait - did you not know that the One True Kween herself was in attendance??

Well, much like any other Legitimate News Organization out there on the Internet, I'm obviously here to report on what the people want to know. And we all want to know how Travis brought up his boxscore to the mighty Tay-tay after the game,

As for the Bears. I don't know what the fuck they should do at this point. The wide receivers are all god damn peckerheads. Justin Fields kinda fuckin sucks (still). They might as well just run the table and go 0-17, and then fucking blow the draft like they did when they drafted Mitch over Mahomes.

This Is Our Year @ Arizona

For a week 3 that offered so much fucking embarrassment, the Cowboys really went out and strove for excellence.

Sure, this isn't anything new for America's Team, and we've all been there witnessing the brutal cycle for decades:

But I have to hand it to McCarthy, Dak, and Jerruh, this is all really, really, funny. Perhaps I was wrong with how Arizona wants to handle this season. I thought they were there to tank for Caleb Williams, but perhaps I was wrong (again).

Either way, with the Cowboys losing like, a quarter-dozen linemen last week, their superdupermega all-pro corner back in practice (fuckin BRUTAL), and being coached by perhaps the fattest human thumb in history, I don't really know what they could possibly do to fix things,,,

Fuck.

Oh wait, here's one more

fuckin broncos lmao this franchise used to be a consistency of excellence

Steelers @ Raiders

Jesus fucking Christ, Jimmy GQ is as bad as he is striking. Every time I went from the main tv, to the phone when walking the dog, then to the bedroom tv getting under the sheets, I swear Jimmy would throw another back-breaking interception.

I almost feel bad for Raiders fans dealing with this dipshit head coach, McDaniels. This is his fucking third attempt (I count him ghosting the Colts as a Head Coach attempt because it's just too fucking hilarious not to) and it's the same dumbass stuff.

In a way, I'm fucking psyched that he's finally been swept away from the Greatriots because I would lose my mother fucking mind if he ended up as the successor to Bill.

HE GAVE UP A FIELD GOAL AND 90 SECONDS OF PLAY AT THE END OF THE GAME TO GO 3-AND-OUT TO JUST KICK ANOTHER FIELD GOAL. He ultimately wasted 90 seconds of valuable gameplay for nothing. HE WAS DOWN 8 FUCKING POINTS.

ELGSES @ Buccos

So I sat through this whole game, and was really confused at the entire nationwide infatuation with the Kelce/Swift pairing.

Sure, they're incredibly talented and work insanely well together, but I didn't think it warranted so much hype and hate.

LARs @ Bungles

Yeah, I ain't got much else. This game was fucking awful.

LET'S GET READY TO MAMBO

L - 71.38 (2-1) The Super Wicked Problems

W - 131.4 (1-2) The Bryce is Right

While he had no fucking chance going into Monday Night, there was a valiant comeback from looking like a complete fuckin jabroni thanks to Jalen hurts, Puka Nacua, and Shooter McPherson. Holy shit, without those points the motherfucker had like 30-something after Sunday. Not to blow up your spot - ED that shit happens - but holy fuckin hell,,

Bringing this shit to a more positive perspective: let me be the first Joe to congratulate The Bryce is Right for his first league win of the season. And holy shit, it was fucking high-powered. All he needed was Herbert, Walker III, and Jefferson to actually outpace The Super Wicked Problems, but I guess why not pile on another 60 for good measure.

I know you won in dominating fashion, but really: fuck Darren Waller. That dude is a straight up bum this season. The fuck was all that hype even for?

L - 98.74 (1-2) Touchdown Vishnu

W - 102.36 (1-2) The Koi Pond

Holy fuck man. This matchup ended in literally the same fashion as the one my wife was in:

Atwell refusing to catch fucking anything worthwhile while Matthew Fratford continued to force-feed the bitch until he finally relented, and ate some garbage [points] at the end of a fuckin mediocre loss. That fuckin game was over, then Stat Padford scampered for that stupid fucking first down and you could just tell something bad was going to happen. Fuckin' Tutu, man.

So what the fuck is up with that Ekeler asshole, huh? The fuck is his problem? Is he just fuckin terrified of suiting up finally for the Chargers because of Brandon Staley's insanely uninspiring coaching?? High ankle sprain or not: get the fuck out there, you pussy.

On the bright side for [the team formerly known as] Touchdown Vishnu: Adam Thielen is on some fucking wild HGH or TRT or something.

Pretty impressed by The Koi Pond showing some strategery and picking the D/ST that was going against his favorite NFL team. Although, when it's Zach Wilson, it's maybe not as much a brilliant gambit, but more like expecting the inevitable.

PS. Did you know that Taylor Swift is dating Travis Kelce? Pretty wild. I had no idea.

W - 117.96 (2-1) Sunstroke Serenaders

L - 92.78 (1-2) Everywhere Roll Tide

I imagine this is how Sunstroke Serenaders reacted when he opened up his roster after the early games,

And yet, it wasn't an automatic given they'd get the win. Sure TuAnon and Mustard got 66.56 points but Mahomes and the Bill's defense countered pretty fucking well with 56.68

Wait holy shit, Miami pulled that fuckery off and WADDLE DIDN'T EVEN PLAY!? Holy fuck.

Also, holy fuck: Sunstroke Serenaders could really get carried pretty far with those three Miami players as long as McDaniel doesn't McDaniels.

PS. Najee is so fucking obnoxiously disappointing

W - 111.86 (2-1) Australian Heath Ledgers

L - 91.82 (2-1) It's a Tide Ad

This wasn't even a bad matchup - and shit, it was more competitive that just the previous one - and yet I'm going to be super disrespectful and scoff it off.

Shit, it even included a Miami Dolphin and yet,

Probably because I see Darnell Mooney on the bench over there and can't get over how much hype that dude kinda got as a quality sleeper who might surprise people as Justin Fields' target and yet HE JUST SITS THERE AND DOES FUCKING NOTHING.

W - 82.2 (1-2) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

L - 77.72 (2-1) The Helen Keller Exorcists

Holy fuck. This league is nothing if not binging on parity. Every single team is either 1-2 or 2-1. No undefeateds. No defeateds. To see this SaQanon squad grab their first fuckin win of the season without Cooper Kupp or their namesake in Saquads is kinda sorta impressive.

If you also add in that they were outscored by four of the other five losers, then it also gets really fucking hilarious.

Oh look, there's that Justin Fields fucker. I've come to realization that maybe he is in fact, good for something,

But yeah, I'm not sure how many weeks in a row this is happening but motherfucker:

Stop. Starting. Cam Akers and Aaron Jones.

W - 98.76 (2-1) Neon Dion DeSantis

L - 96.08 (1-2) I'm Thinkin' RBs

Holy shit. This really went back and fuckin forth.

Jake Elliott and Mike Evans absolutely dragged I'm Thinkin' RBs back into the fucking lead on Monday Night only to have Joe "FUCKING DO SOMETHING" Mixon show some life late in the fucking game to secure the win.

Personally speaking, I'm just happy to not waste that great Mike Williams performance because .. well ..

The fuck. Such god damn bullshit. And I'm not fucking excited to anxiously decide between Trevor Lawrence and that motherfucker, Kirk god damn Cousins despite Kirk being fucking dominant the last two weeks.

I'm just happy that Amari Cooper has been so wildly inconsistent (and frankly forgettable) that he was left on the bench. No one in their right mind should have started that bitch anyway. What a fuckin bitch.

Fin.

Heyyyy, we made it! Congratulations everyone! It's Autumn. The weather's getting brisk (at least for us normies in the Northeast), and we are in the midst of Oktoberfest season. So far: two weekends, two Oktoberfestivals. Can't wait to try my hand at Steinholding next week while getting blackout drunk on IPAs - just like the Germans intended.

Maybe I'll even piss my pants in celebration.

So good luck this week y'all. Hope you are all eyeing some decorative gourds, grabbing a pumpkin or two, and enjoying photosynthesis makin our leaves all fuckin pretty.

Love you guys, have a great week!