Dear Mr. Snyder

Sell your team, Coward!

Source

Let them fight.

Davante Has Earned His Spiked Shoulderpads

So like .. I shared that video in the last column,,,

This week, I'd like to make a joke about it that I stole maybe, last Wednesday:

Davante has earned his spiked shoulderpads.

Thank you. That is all.

OK. Now I'm done.

Crabby

Source

I'm no fishing expert, but that seems really fuckin bad.

My submission for reason why happens to be riding the coattails of an easy one: Russia's fault. Those assfaces. Definitely them. Has to be.

The End is Near!!

Those mother fuckers at Salesforce are closing down the Free Dyno option for Heroku projects.

That fuck does that even mean, you ask?

Well, this column relies on free dynos to fucking run. I've dabbled in the paid tiers, but only for a couple months out of the year because .. well, this shit only needs attention from late August to early January.

It's one thing to force me to fucking pay for this shit, but I don't want to god damn deal with a full calendar year of payments for something that's used for less than half a fucking year.

Fucking greedy pieces of shit. I fucking hate Salesforce. From building that giant god damn assplug in San Francisco, to forcing so many of us asshole hobbyists who can't ever follow-through and take their hobbies to the next level to actually needing to put in the work I'd rather not do to find a new fucking home for this shit.

Fucking fuckers. Don't they know how absolutely lazy I am??

https://blog.heroku.com/next-chapter

They fired Greg Easterby

Congrats Houston fans!!

NFL

Ok. With those boring and stupid topics out of the way,

Bears vs Commodes

Carson Wentz is the King of Thursday Night. He's fuckin 7-0. What. The. Fuck!?

Greatriots at BOROWNS

Thought we were in for a Sunday of shit when the Pats went three and out at the fucking one yard line after their opening drive.

Thankfully, things got significantly better throughout the game and Belichick ended up tying George "Papa Bear" Halas. I hear that fucker was a pretty god damn great coach. To be tied with that guy in NFL wins definitely seems like a good thing.

Who's next on the list? Some old piece of shit named Don Shula. That fucker is such a salty piece of garbage. Dude complains about Belichick all the fucking time when in reality, he should shut his fucking mouth until he accepts that he would be known for absolutely nothing if he coached during the NFL era of 16-game seasons.

Fuckin decrepit, diaper-wearing bitch. Dude can't stop crying every time he sees a snowplow.

Because Don Shula is fucking, bitch-made.

Back to the game, I hope any and all BOROWNS fans were able to find the support they needed.

I personally look forward to this plucky band of misfits named, The Patriots.

Led by their curmudgeon head coach,

9ers @ Falcons

Tom Brady: undefeated against Falcons.
Jimmy GQ: Defeated against Falcons.

These mother fuckin Falcons are right on the Buccs' heels for the NFC South division. I can't wait for it to come down to a bitter and salty divisional matchup in late December. The anger-fueled energy of that division is just one of the best parts of being an NFL fan.

Jets @ Packpackpack

Haaa hahahahhaa! Get fucked Packers. I don't know why I dislike you, probably from the Super Bowl in '97. Yeah sure, it was a long time ago, but it also led me to cheer for the fucking Broncos in the following Super Bowl, and I'll always hate Green Bay for having me cheer for a John Elway-led team.

Anyway. As a fan of an AFC East team, I'm kind of fuckin terrified of this god damn Jets team. They're unbelievably young, they unbelievably talented, they have a solid head coach who has all of them yoots bought in; frankly the one redeeming quality that has me able to sleep at night is that until their QB learns to stay off of milfhunter.com, they'll only be good enough to disrupt other franchise's playoff runs.

At least, that's what I tell myself while huddled, crying, in the shower.

I mean, look at the skill these fuckers display when trolling. It's god damn god-tier:

I'm fucking terrified of Breece Hall debuting Can't Wait Vol. 2 in honor of this banger,,,

It still hurts so fucking much. That was possibly the saltiest I've ever fucking been after a big game. Shit, I stopped watching big Patriots games in public for a couple of years after that.

PS. 🧾🧾🧾🧾🧾

Jaguires @ Lolts

Fuckin wild turn of events for Jags fans.

It wasn't that long ago when Jacksonville was 2-1 coming off an absolute undressing (who the fuck came up with this phrase??) of the Chargers in San Diego Los Angeles. What's-his-face at Quarterback was the latest hotness. Maybe he's finally turned that corner and we were going to see Dougie put Duval on the god damn fucking map.

...

Then the Colts lost to the Eagles. Then the Texans (good fucking God). And now, the dipshit Lolts.

Indy is now 3-2-1 (Contact!), and Matt Ryan is good? I'm genuinely curious what kind of psychopath actually puts any money on any Colt-related outcomes. Overs/Unders/Parlays/Moneylines/etc... I feel like needing to include the Colts puts you in that stratosphere of adrenaline junkies who just can't ever fucking get off unless they're threading the needle through a 22" diameter passage while wearing a flying-squirrel-suits.

Vikes @ Dolphins

So I followed a bit of this on the Red Zone channel and a certain Mr. Chris Hansen made a joke about,

The most millennial of plays!

For a pass from QB Skyler to WR River.

Excuse me? What the fuck did you say? The fuck have us Millennials done to get ragged on like this? If you're going to make fun of my fellow members of the greatest generation, then get your fucking jokes accurate.

Skyler? River? When the shit did those become Millennial names?? God damn River Phoenix was never part of Generation Y.

Or Skyler? The fuck? I know literally zero Skylers outside of that one pedo character in South Park who dated Stan's middle school sister. So I'd like Mr. Hansen to please inform me how the fuck he came to the conclusion that our generation owns those fucking names.

Now, if the joke was about Kayden passing the ball to Caydenn. Or Jaeden to Creidon. Or really, any fucking name that ends in the "-ayden" sound, then he's on to something.

But only if they're whites.

I had to bring race into this because my expertise is exclusive to ragging on the Caucasity of Millennial parents and their spawn.

So yeah. Get your fucking Generation Y names right if you're gonna shit all over us. Fuck you, Chris.

Now. If you thought I'd be talking about this matchup, then you're kinda right: especially since those stupid fucking idiot Dolphins lost!!!

Get fucked you dolphin shitbags.

They have some of the best homefield fucking advantage in the league,

But can't help but get in their own fucking way, losing games and their young stud QB.

Fuckin Margaritaville-goin assholes.

Who Dey @ Who Dat

I should probably just do some googling and figure out the source of both phrases. See who came up with theirs first. Find out whether one impacted the creation of the other.

But instead, I'll just not give a shit.

Ravens @ Giants

OH SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT JUSTIN TUCKER MISS? OHMYGOD, HE'S THE GREATEST KICKER WHO'S EVER TIED HIS SHOELACES. THE GREATEST TO EVER WAKE UP, POO OUT HIS BUTTHOLE, WIPE IT, THEN CONTINUE WITH THEIR DAY - POSSIBLY PLAYING AN NFL GAME AT SOME POINT.

HE'S THE MOST AMAZING TO EVER AMAZE. HE CAN SING. HE IS A GREAT TEAMMATE. FRANKLY, HE'S A GREAT AMBASSADOR FOR THE NAME, JUSTIN.

SO IT WAS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBALLS HOW HE MISSED A FUCKING FIELD GOAL!! OHMYGODOHMYGOD - IT MUST HAVE BEEN FUCKING FOREVER SINCE THE LAST TIME HE MISSED, RIGHT?!?!?

On the broadcast they said it was the first miss since week 10.

Of last season.

...

Am I supposed to think this is a big deal? The fuck? It's not even a full calendar year or full season of field goals. Are people amazed by this stat? I'm genuinely curious, hit me up in the DMs if you actually find this incredible.

Because it's just a fuckin miss by a dude who's routinely tested because of how fucking incredible he is.

Giants? They're pretty good.

Daboll? He just passed Dan Campbell in career wins, and Brian's only coached 6 games. Yikes!

But I ain't letting you get through here without mentioning that the phrase,

Intercept Cancer

While meaning well, is a fucking trash slogan. Holy shit. Why not,

Send Cancer to the Blue Tent

Facemask Cancer

Chop Block Cancer

Shit man, why not go after some illegal hits? It's not like Cancer plays by the rules in the first fucking place,

Clothesline Cancer

Launch Into Cancer With the Crown of Your Helmet

Target Cancer

Suspend Cancer 11 games

etc.. etc..

Buccs @ Steeeers

Yikes. Hope everyone's till with me here. Shit got a little weird at the end there.

🤔🤔🤔🤔
🤔
🤔
🤔

Panthers @ Ramses

Words can not truly communicate how fucking awful this game was. So let me describe it with captioned imagery:

Me every fucking time this game came on RedZone

Way to dodge that obnoxious Cyntha-doll-lookin bitchass, Jets. Common NYJ W.

(PS. This is where I'd like to make my second Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood reference.)

Cardinals @ Seahawks

Wtf. 19-9??

The fuck was this fucking game.

Being completely serious for a moment: this is why I try to avoid watching any/all Arizona Cardinals games. Just fucking awful. The franchise is nothing but torture for the eyes.

Just contract the team away and give Seattle the Supersonics back.

Bill's @ Chefs

First off, let me lead off with the stupid fuckin soundbyte everyone's talkin' bout:

But yeah. Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes are gonna be givin us what Brady/Manning did. Who wouldn't be excited?

Soon it'll definitely be Zappe vs. Jones

Dallas @ Ilggles

Welp. It was a fun ride for Coop. But it's painfully obvious the dude's a backup at best - and don't get me wrong, that shit fuckin rules. You can make bank and model yourself after Clipboard Jesus. Just fuckin rock the shit and don't look back.

Philly is pretty fuckin good. Offense. Defense. Special Teams. Complete. Let's see if they can carry this momentum through the remaining 2/3rds of the season.

Broncos @ San Diego Chargers

I tried watching some of this, but instead I'll provide a synopsis of the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

So the episode started during the final day before the women were supposed to give out roses to the gentlemen participants. Now, there are much fewer women at this point than men both due to design but also because the women have been self-eliminating due to poor quality of male.

Anyway, there was a bunch of drama with this dude that came on, Pizza Pete:

Dude was a classic scumbag. Like, you could not write a better absolute fuccboi character. He was incredible. The type of dude to take an insult and distill it into a compliment and a complete "NO U" kind of comeback.

😙👌
Simply magnificent.

Anyway, a bunch of the meatheads got together and gave the dude the boot. Told him to leave and shit. So Mr. Pete took his cue and on his way out gave out an incredible,

B-b-b-b-b-buongiorno bitches!

So with that dude gone the rest went to the rose ceremony and the usual suspects were chosen. One of the curveballs was one of Massachusetts' own James was left out in the cold. Lost a rose to Logan, some ugmo who really kind of worked out in what I consider an upset.

Post rose ceremony, people seemed to be pretty happy. So obviously, shit absolutely must be fucked up. Jesse Palmer (the host) shows up and ends up outright removing all the women from the spot and just bring in five new women. And then they gave the women five new dudes.

If there's one thing the producers of that Bachelor in Paradise show know, it's how to absolutely mind fuck a bunch of 20-somethings. It's completely insane and I'm 100% in for it. Especially because they get them all absolutely loaded with booze. Absolutely brilliant stuff.

Mudda. Fahken. Recaps.

L - 79.72 (4-2) Everywhere Roll Tide

W - 71.6 (4-2) The Koi Pond

Wooo. What a fuckin comeback. Everywhere Roll Tide stays the fuck away from .500 and grabs his fourth dub of the season against a slumping Koi Pond.

There's only so much carrying Josh Allen and CMC can do, and it looks like what truly fucked Koi Pond was his trio of D/ST. If he had chosen either of the other two (Greatriots/Fish), he would have taken home the win. I mean, who starts Jacksonville? Man, you have more faith in that garbage franchise than most of their own fuckin fans.

Fuckin wild. What was a really fun game to watch on TV, had the roles reversed and Patrick Mahomes took home the win against Josh Allen.

I am using a lot of hindsight, but I award this matchup,

W - 95.46 (3-3) It's a Tide Ad

L - 83.88 (1-5) That's a Paddlin'

At this point, That's a Paddlin' needs to pivot to becoming Mr. Trap Game.

The Spoiler That Was Promised.

Yadda yadda.

So you better clench up and get that fuckin team right, otherwise every fuckin weekend for That's a Paddlin' will be a fuckin trip to,

As far as Mr. Tide Ad, what the fuck do you want me to say? They're a god damn fucking Tide Ad.

L - 94.58 (1-5) Deep Tissue Illuminati

W - 114.8 (4-2) I'm Thinkin' RBs

Good fucking Lord, the rich get richer, and the suck get suckier.

Another 1-5 team in the league. What the fuck is going on. We have ourselves a fuckin canyon[ero]-sized gulf between the good teams and the completely dysfunctional.

Now, I really should take it easy on some of there 1fers, especially since it's not like they dribbled poop juice down their legs. 94 fuckin points is a great showing for #ThisLeague.

But I don't feel merciful today. In fact, it would appear this Deep Tissue Illuminati is demonstrating some hidden numerology symbolism with Kyler Murray's output:

14.88? Where have I heard those numbers before ...

OH WAIT. SHIT

The primary slogan in the Fourteen Words is "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children"
Fourteen words

Neo-Nazis use the number 88 as an abbreviation for the Nazi salute Heil Hitler. The letter H is eighth in the alphabet, whereby 88 becomes HH.
88

You got a lot of splainin' to do, Kyler Murray. It would be the dude who gets into Heated Gaming Moments all the fuckign time off the field. Of course.

Crazy stuff given that Kyler Murray scored 14.88 in another league I belong in,

We're onto you, Kyler. You midget fuck.

L - 61.6 (2-4) Sunstroke Serenaders

W - 94.7 (4-2) The Super Wicked Problems

What the fuck happened? It wasn't as much a Sunstroke Serenade as it was Sunbleached Asshole.

As an owner of MGIII in another league, I share your complete and utter pain with seeing him earn less than a singular fantasy point. The fuck is that Bronco team even doing? Stop putting the fucking god damn ball in Wilson's hands.

blah blah blah

Enjoy Stevenson. Dude's gonna be getting a lot more carries the rest of the year.

yadda yadda yadda

L - 69.04 (1-5) Homer Simpson Smiling Politely

W - 76.8 (3-3) San Diego Loud-N-Stroud

Oh jesus fucking hell. Another 1-5 team? Good fucking God.

I'd rather watch sped up footage of a turtle fucking a block of wood,

Hah, look at him go!

L - 53.82 (3-3) Australian SteveIrwins

W - 73.1 (6-0) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Holy fuckin hell, I'm 6-0? The final fucking undefeated?

BOW DOWN YOU FUCKERS, BECAUSE NO ONE CAN STOP ME.

COME AT ME. YOU WON'T.

Sucks for those of you down-undah.

BUT IT DOESN'T FOR MEEEEEEE.

Power. Fuckin. Rankings.

We ain't done you fuckers. It's that time of year where I do one of these at a random cadence,

King shit

1. Shelbyville Shelbyvillian (6-0)

NotDoneYet

1b

2. I'm Thinkin' RBs (4-2)

Not the worst bye week situation. Even with Diggs gone.

Let's round out the top

3. The Koi Pond (4-2)

YOU COULDA BEEN 5-1 OR SOME SHIT. BUT YOU LOST. LOST.

4. Everywhere Roll Tide (4-2)

I frankly don't know why I stuck this dude in fourth instead of above the very team they just defeated. Well, I'll tell you.

5. The Super Wicked Problems (4-2)

DAKSTREET'S BACK! ALL RIGHT!

Hey, at least you have a playoff spot

6. Australian SteveIrwins (3-3)

No one's safe until Australian SteveIrwins is buried 20' underground.

Uh oh, spaghetti-o's

7. It's a Tide Ad (3-3)

Good fuckin luck with that QB situation. NOT SO MUCH OF AD RIGHT NOW, HUH?

8. The Sunstroke Serenaders (2-4)

Blah blah blee blow blue.
Without Kupp, you are screwed.

9. San Diego Loud-N-Stroud (3-3)

You're .500 and some asshole stuck you in 9/12 place on his dumbass power ranking? Man. What an absolute ball buster.

The fuckin smelly, moldy, mildewy, basement

10. Deep Tissue Illuminati (1-5)

I dunno. Your team seems fucking good. Stop losing n shit.

11. Homer Simpson Smiling Politely (1-5)

This might be my favorite of all the fuckin name changes.

12. That's a Paddlin' (1-5)

Coming in last on the power rankings? You better believe that's a paddlin'.

Fin.

Hah hah! We did it! And just in time too:

We have precious little time to prepare for the festivities!

"What festivities?" you may ask. Well, it's to celebrate the birthday of the NFL Camerlengo: Mo Lewis.

Every year, around this time, I share this article.

It's been fun watching cold hard football facts dot com go from a small NFL news site with a hyperactive message board, to being bought by so many fucking digital publishing companies, only to have it return to form. Unfortunately, the article has long been scrubbed from the original URL - but that's why I'm so happy for Way Back Machine.

Enjoy the writeup, I know I always do. Maybe if I have some time, I'll enhance it with all the updates it deserves.

Anywhoooo, much love to all you guys. I hope everyone's having a great Autumn. I've seemingly come out of my shell, and have a streak of Saturdays where I do stereotypical new england fall shit. I think this weekend, I'll throw a hot toddy in a thermos and go for a hay ride or two. Steal a pumpkin. Maybe even smash it.

A big shout out to The Koi Pond, Homer Simpson Smiling Politely, and I'm Thinkin' RBs - wish I were able to meet up with y'all for whatever days of debauchery you have planned. Go Jets. Beat the stupid Broncos. And share some photos so I can photoshop them into next week's column.

Take care everyone!