What am I thankful for? Well, first off I'd have to say all of you motherfuckers. For everyone who tirelessly clicks to open their email, and then clicks again to load the column, and then for those of you who go that extra mile and actually scroll through it, well, I applaud and thank all of you.

I hope everyone had a handful of days off, and during aforementioned days off you all had the opportunity to eat until you hated yourselves. Other than using biological warfare to enact a genocide on an indigenous people, it's about as American as you can get.

[EMERGENCY EDIT]

Turns out, he is in there!!

Oh fucking hell yeah, what a wonderful start to the holidays! Get fucked, Hank. Hope you painfully burn in hell for making the World a worse place while you habitated it.

OK. That's enough from me on the topic.

For now.

Thanksgivingery

OK. Let's get back to dipshit sports stuff.

Lions vs. The Stars

Man. I legitimately felt awful for all the Lions fans out there. Not because they lost, but because they all fucking knew this was going to happen. The god damn Packers just fucking dad dicked Detroit, in their home stadium, while their fans had to just watch. I can't imagine how bitter that turkey tasted on Thursday.

Despite that game's outcome, the Detroit Lions are still 8-3 and they have a stranglehold on the NFC North. It's probably a really weird and foreign feeling for those fans - for example, here's one being told that they still are leading the division,

Cowboys Humiliate Washington

No matter how delicious any of the turkeys were in all the surrounding areas of DC and Landover, DaRon made sure everything the Washington Football Team fans could taste was Bland.

People seemed to lose their minds at that historical display. Sure, six interceptions returned for touchdowns is pretty fucking incredible .. but with how the Cowboys have played this season, they're all against the most dogshit of teams. Who fuckin cares? And the Commies were no exception. Even Jack Harlow put on a more inspired performance than Washington.

Seahawks Obliterated by Miners

Did I seriously see a shotgun playcall on 4th & inches?

What in crayon-eating-adults was that shit??

I swear, that entire fucking game could have just been an email.

What a dogshit trilogy of Thanksgiving Day games. Next year, just show Barry Sanders highlights for 2 hours if the alternative is just the equivalent of SEC teams eating the ever-loving fuck out of tier-3 conferences.

The Blackest of Friday Games

Dolphins Fuck Up Jets

Much like Al Michaels' reaction to that David Chang sandwich, I happily fuckin ducked this game.

But to give the Jets some credit, they are still the only team that have defeated the god damn smelly asshole iggles,

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Sayeth the Ravens, Tucker more

So is Justin done? He's not perfect, which is still better than probably 95% of the league, but still - I NEED DRAMA.

I have to admit, it was special watching the Stoppable force vs. the movable object in the Chargers Chargering and the Glue-eating Ravens trying to choke away a 2-score lead.

Ain'ts, Ain't good Football

Sure, children still believe in Santa Claus so why not let grown men believe in Derek Carr, but I really think it does a disservice to the psyche of these adults putting faith in a symbol that will do nothing but let them down like a pallbearer.

Oh well. Congrats Falcons, for you are the Kings of Shit Mountain.

I'm so excited for the Falcons to go 6-0 in the division, end up with a losing record, and then defeat the Cowboys in the playoffs.

Steengals

The Muth is looth!

After booting Matt Canada Pittsburgh's offense is finally bringing its eh game.

The Second Reich (firing)

Sure, it was fucking hilarious to watch the Brooklyn Nets suck complete fuckin ass and then hand the Celtics both Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum thanks to that KG/PP trade, but I dunno .. at least there was some excitement in those early Brooklyn Nets days.

This abomination is just the result of a Football Terrorist in GM Scott Fitterer. Panthers really could have the fucking number one pick and it won't even matter. On the bright side, they could feasibly run it back and get the number one pick next year, too.

YOU GOT MINSHEWED

Colts are scoring 20-something points per game and that's without their neato studly rookie QB. Good for them. Must be nice to have a god damn bulletproof offensive line. Even the Jorts King looks decent behind it.

On the other hand: holy fuckin shit being a buccs fan sure sucks ass some most times.

New England Patheticriots vs. New York Football Gabagool

WHAT A SPICY MEAT-A-BALL OF A GAME

I'm going to give Ryland and Belichick the benefit of the doubt and assume that missed field goal was on purpose in order to spare the crowd and tv market the absolute fuckin torture of watching overtime. Sure, it's free football but it would come at a price.

Thankfully, the Patriots won the Tank bowl and keep pace with the Cards and Panthers. Let's fuckin goooooooo, and draft a QB.

AFTER THAT FUCKIN NEW QB, THE NEXT STOP IS THE SUPER BOWL

Manning vs. Brady: The Next Generation

This shit was pretty neato, and it came down to like 3". Which is a lot. More than adequate.

This Stroud and Lawrence rivalry might just drag the AFC South out of mediocrity and make for an incredibly fun string of matchups for a decade.

Anyway, speaking of the past, check out this awesome image,

Denveland Browncos

I didn't expect much resistance from a team that's giving mother fucking Joe Flacco reps with the first team this week so Denver winning isn't shocking, but after what they've gone through I can't fucking believe they are still in the hunt.

Just take me back to a simpler time, when Miami was scoring 70 fucking points on them. I hate the fact that Denver has so much god damn fucking hope,

Ram Jam feat: A R I Z O N A

K Y R E N W I L L I A M S
Y
R
E
N
W
I
L
L
I
A
M
S

Kansas City Football Team @ The team formerly located in Oakland formerly located in LA formerly located in Oakland

Kansas City is 10/10 with Rice.

Motherfuckin Chefs went on a 31-3 run to end that game. Although the Raiders did make it kinda funny going up 14-0.

Buffalolololol until it Jalen Hurts

Josh Allen had himself an incredible Josh Allen game with just another typical Josh Allen end.

That's kind of fucking insane. Although to even get to OT it took one of the wildest weather-influenced kicks since Vinatieri's two kicks against the Raiders in the 2001 NFL playoffs.

Jake "The Make" Elliott is a god damn fucking boss. Almost as much as this kid,

I hope no one watched Monday

WE BIG-10 NOW

CONGRATULATIONS! THE FIRST DIVISION WIN IN THE DWEEBERFLUS ERA!

Fuckin 1-9. Good fucking god.

That said, I feel like Bears and Justin Fields fans don't really fucking feel all that great or willing to fuckin celebrate that chemical fire of a game.

Welcome back to Earth, Passtronaut. You played like Asstronaut.

Fantasy Nightmare Recap Time

HERE WE GO. I am fucking jacked up right now and hope you all are too!

L (7-5) Rob Going for Longest Road

W (7-5) Wood Time for Nate

It's a god damn battle of headline writers here.

With both of these fuckers struggling to get into that final postseason spot, some would say that each of their playoffs have already begun. A loss would absolutely fuck up either of their shits.

The Commish started off unbelievably strong, but unfortunately the absolute point binge on Thanksgiving did not motivate any other part of his roster to perform... well.. none of his starting roster. The fucking bench went abso-fucking-lutely wild.

Kyren Williams shit all over the Cardinals like me after eating sushi made with mayonnaise and then visiting the Vatican.

Mmm. Sacrilicious.

With three fuckin players going on Monday Night, how hard could it be to make up ~15 points? SERIOUSLY. HOW FUCKING HARD COULD IT BE??

Well, fairly difficult - but not impossible because he got the win. And thanks to a completely shitbag performance, Herbert completely Khalilled Rob Going for Longest Road's chance at capturing the win.

W (8-4) I'm Thinkin' RBs

L (8-4) Australian Heath Ledgers

WELP. It looks like Gabe Davis has finally returned to the NFL season, and just in time to get benched and utterly fuck up Australian Heath Ledgers' attempts at holding onto the top seed.

In a battle of the two-game-losing-streakers, I'm Thinkin' RBs was the one to walk away with their first win in what feels like FOREVER. What does the future bring? Well, I'm sure they hope it's the mother fuckin postseason - unfortunately for him, trying to muster up three quality running back starts with the roster is the most consequential game of whack-a-mole since enough tickets for that switchblade comb was on the line.

Speaking of dumpster fires, remember when the Patriots gave Jonnu Smith a 4 year, $50 million contract? Christ. Belichick, what the fuck were you on? Because I need some, myself.

Now, as far as losers go, Australian Heath Ledgers shouldn't bein the worst shape since he's got Mark Andrews and Tee Hi-... Oh wait, it's not week one. It's week 12 and like T.I.'s reputation as not being a creepy as fuck father, they're Dead and Gone.

At least there's always CJ Stroud and Tank Dell as a 1-2 punch. And Travis Etienne Jr. has to come back to life, right? It's only been 4 weeks since his last double-digit performance. HE'S DUE FOR A GOOD JAG OFF.

W (4-8) The Bryce is Right

L (3-9) The Helen Keller Exorcists

Ahh yes, my favorite roster snapshot of Week 2 vs. a team owner with the best first name in fantasy sports, square off.

The Bryce is Right captures his fourth win thanks to a wild Thanksgiving: LaPorta potty and Christian Watson leading the way while Gibbs and Chardonnay being completely corked by defensive lines.

Of course, even with the great Sunday Night from Flowers and ..kinda.. Herbert, it doesn't fucking matter when you're going against a roster frozen in time: Aaron Jones, Cam Akers, and Graham scoring GaNO points.

What a sad waste of Keenan and the Sun God. Shit, even the 9ers D/ST as well.

W (8-4) The Koi Pond

L (7-5) It's a Tide Ad

It's been quite the battle, but after week 12 The Koi Pond has taken the number one seed.

Truly a remarkable story of perseverence, consistency, and making sure to not start shitty players every week. I personally feel like the starting part is really super easy - but the fact that the players he started don't suck shit makes him near-prophetic.

Regardless of whatever god damn fucking superpower The Koi Pond is running with, It's a Tide Ad pulled off an incredible impression of the Buffalo Bills by absolutely wasting an outstanding Josh Allen performance and losing a heartbreakingly close matchup.

If I had to blame anyone, it'd definitely be DK Metcalf because I also have him in another league and his completely dogshit output fucked me over so fucking badly. What an asshole.

W (5-7) Everywhere Roll Tide

L (2-10) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

Everywhere Roll Tide is now the proud owner of the largest active winning streak in the league at three. Sure, maybe this recent win came against the equivalent of a couple 9-year-olds stacked on top of each other with a helmet.

But a win is a win is a win, and you're only able to play who you're scheduled to play. Besides, it's not like our very own SaQanon Shaman doesn't have dangerous talent on that roster. It's more that the deep state was able to pull enough strings around the NFL to ensure that the entire roster couldn't secure enough votes points to win the decision.

Couple that with all those Soros checks finally cashing for Najee and Tractorcito, and there's no chance for a fair fight.

It's a tale as old as time.

L (5-7) Neon Dion DeSantis

W (8-4) Sunstroke Serenaders

And just like that. Big K failed to deliver and my 1% chance at the postseason is nothing but whispers in the wind.

What a fucking ballbuster of a loss god fucking damn it. Sunstroke Serenaders did their god damn fucking best to give me a chance at winning by benching a slew of scorers, and yet my second-highest point total for the week just was no match to the league's #1 scoring attack in week 12.

With three motherfucking 20+ point RB performances, it's even got me Thinkin' RBs while feeling the meat sweats.

Congrats on the win, Sunstroke Serenaders, you mother fucker. The better team and deeper roster won. And I couldn't be completely not mad and actually laughing about it.

Fin.

While we close the book on week 12, we're just getting started on an incredible holiday season! Thanksgiving was incredible thanks to a double dose of delicious meals and our first-ever Black Friday game .. and while it totally kinda fuckin sucked, it's a nice little preview of what's to come in the future. Kind of a perfect day for just a dabble of football, and it's early in the day so it doesn't completely crater your afternoon.

Couple that with a pretty relaxing weekend spent passing as much of the Turkey grease you were able to mop up with stuffing and mashed potatoes, and you got yourself a great start to the holidays.

Shit's only going to get wilder and wilder, and don't forget: if any of you assholes want a reason to spoil your kids, partners, spouses, or whoever, you can always get that gift ready for December 6th, which us Polaks call, St. Nicholas' Day. I've ranted about it before, but it's such a nice little aperitif to the rest of December.

If not, then no worries, we all got a wonderful early present with the death of that bloodthirsty bag of melted hog fat, Kissinger. Boy oh boy am I going to sleep well tonight!

Anyway, good luck this December and have a wonderful week 13. Continue to stay safe and as stress-free as you can, cause shit's gonna get fuckin wild as they always seem to.

Much love and take care. Can't wait to see everyone next week!