This past Sunday was a momentous occasion. No, not because the Greatriots righted the ship. No, not because I made any sort of shift in fantasy football. And definitely no, I wasn't anywhere the fuck near Munich for that fuckin game.

It was mine and Rachel's very first NFL Football Game!

That's right.

And not in the sense that it's the first game we are attending together, it is literally each our first times watching any National Football League game live, in a stadium.

Sure, I guess there is a little shame in that - we're both New England Greatriot fans and neither of us has ever seen the greatest Patriots to ever play in person:

• Brady
• Gronk
• Bruce Armstrong (my GOAT)
• Bledsoe
• (the good) Faulk
• Bruschi
• Vrabel
• Chris Slade
• Tebucky Jones
• Sam Gash (GOAT fullback name)
• Adam Vinatieri
• Gost-face
• Welker
• Randy Mawss
• Jules
• Ty Law
• Lawyer Milloy
• Junior Seau
• Revis
• "Clock Killin" Corey Dillon
• Vince Wilfork
• Richard Seymour
• The list goes on and on and on, holy shit does it go on

At least Rachel had participated in at least one rally (before the 2018 Super Bowl). My best attempt at attending a sporting event in-around Foxborough was a 1999 Revs game at that piece of shit Foxboro field. Sure, it was a god damn blast, but I can't believe it's been almost 25 years (although I was there for an AC/DC concert thanks to Feeley, like 10 years ago - that shit was fucking fun).

Anyway, it was fucking fun as hell. I reached back and had a performance for the ages. Despite just turning 40-years-old in July, I was able to dial it back to my college years, and started pounding beers and burgers at 1030am.

And unlike my college years, these were 3 and change % Natty Lights - they were kick-you-in-the-fuckin-face IPAs that ranged from 5.9%-6.8%

Hell man, I even did the decent thing and not asked the tailgate chef in charge to "hold the cheese." I fuckin pounded those charred-as-fuck beef patties with any cheese they came with. Sure, I complained several times to Rachel, but voice a request to the grillman? No fuckin way.

I have to say, I almost fumbled the road soda though: I completely forgot to transfer my beer into a red solo cup before the trek. Thankfully, someone gave me the protip and I was on my way with 18 more ounces of brew for the 30 minute walk. Nothing like pounding a couple road sodas in public. Really harking back to the days I barely remember.

So enough about the tailgating, let's talk about the game. The game.

The game I go out there and die for.

And boy, it sure was a game all right. I thought they were frustrating to watch on TV, but live you get to see all the players at once - the in-person all-22 was sight to behold, and jesus fucking hell it was obnoxious. Yeah sure, there was quite a bit of excitement watching the turnovers by the defense (although I missed the forced fumble takin a piss, but it's always such a glorious bonding moment when you're away from the action with other fans, and everyone's trying to make the funniest joke about something going on while none of us are there watching), seeing the tiddie toss to Hunter "Hearst" Henry, and that incredible run by Deandre the Giant.

But then the shit. So many dropped passes. So many terrible throws. So many terrible, horrible, god awful flags.

And most of all: that fucking 3rd and 23 conversion by Howell where all he did was run for the first down. Who the fuck lets a non-mobile QB get that fucking first down? Holy shit that was trash.

I spent quite a bit of that fourth quarter just hanging my head down in absolute shame while masshole fans around us were telling Mac to "get youah head in the fahken game" or "who the fahk is that cohnah who couldn't cover a bed!?" And of course, "THAT LIGHTHOUSE IS WICKED FAHKEN FAKE, TOO"

Sure. The game ended in embarrassment when our for-sure game winning drive sputtered and Mac tossed a god damn motherfucking game-ending interception. So many disappointed fans just showering the field with curses and boos.

But then it happened.

Now - before I get to the incredible event, I'd like to discussing a topic that I'm sure anyone of us who have ever attended a sporting event has thought about: what happens if I fell forward over some seats? If you're in the lower deck, there really isn't that problem. There's enough space in to allow people to shuffle to their seats deep inside a row, and if not people can stand up and give you a little more wiggle room.

But if you're in the nosebleeds, the upper-decks, the 300s and above, shit gets sheer. The backs of seats barely poke above the path and you can't really rely on leaning on them for support. And there's the possibility that, if you maybe lost your balance, how far would you tumble?

Well. Rachel and I learned through first-hand observation that you'd tumble a minimum of 3-4 rows of seats. Holy fuckin shit, and you're gonna god damn land HARD.

No one from our group actually saw what originally happened, but before we knew it, two male adults just fucking tumbled backwards into our row, slamming down on the seats next to us before finally stoppin in the row ahead of us. It was fuckin wild, one of the dudes took quite a bit of impact right IN THE FAAACE, popping his hat off.

Thankfully, no shoes went flying so immediately I knew no one died - but they were fuckin rocked hard. The older guy just kept holding his mouth - but no blood, or even broken teeth. But holy shit, those aerial acrobatic tumblers must have god damn tossed themselves down with how far they rolled. My only regret is not actually seeing how they fell originally, because it must have been quite the fucking sight. I can only assume one started falling and grabbed the other, kicking off a deep-seeded rivalry and/or brotherly hatred that will last for as long as the bumps and bruises do.

All in all, great time in section 313 for the Patriots game. Fuckin sucked that they gave up a god damn fucking touchdown lead, but whatever, at least I got to get drunk and see a game, all for free.

ENN EFF ELLLLLLLelelelelelelel

This is going to be the stupidest fuckin abbreviated shit you ever done seen.

SO BUCKLE-UP BUCKAROOS

Tittans @ Stillers

It ain't pretty, but the fuckin Steeers are 5-3

That AFC Norf is such a clusterfuck. Gonna give the 2002 AFC BEast a run for competitiveness (all teams finished 9-7 except the Bills who went 8-8).

Fraudphins @ Chefs

Photo of Dolphins arriving at the game vs. the Chiefs

Vikes @ Failcons

STL Cards @ BOROWNS

LARims @ Packpackpack

The 9ers really fuckin made out like bandits by having their bye-week to just watch the absolute fucking failings of the rest of their division.

Commies @ Trashriots

Not sure what the fuck else I can even say about this game.. And really the entire fucking division either.

It's gonna be a long couple of years with Bill searching for the right mix of players while the rest of the NFL deservedly dunks on us like a 21st Century Lister Blister.

Brrrs @ Aints

All I got are a couple fun facts:

• The Saints are now 15-1 when Hill has 8 or more rushing attempts in a game.
• A coin has correctly predicted the Saints first 9 weeks

Seadonkeys @ Raves

Ravens treat the NFC like Brady treat the Bills.

Quoth the Raven,

"Imma fuck you up."

Buccos @ Tejans

Baker Mayfield watching his defense giving up the win to ruin his chance at a game-winning touchdown drive

Clots @ Kittehs

Gins @ Rrrrrrrrraiders

daLLLLas @ EGLSES

Bill's @ Bungles

Here's a clip from some movie: Bills fans watching the Bills leave 13 seconds for Mahomes knowing now it was their last shot at a Super Bowl,

Charge @ Jest

Recaps!

Ayyyyy let's fuckin party.

W (2-7) The Helen Keller Exorcists

L (8-1) Australian Heath Ledgers

My dude. Mr. Helen Keller, just fuckin move some shit around with your roster. jesus christ.

I'm begging you because I'm fucking terrified of facing you in two weeks. I don't think my pride could take the hit of losing to this autopilot team when Fields comes back. At least put Rodgers in so no one has to fear the potential of facing an active starting quarterback against you.

Christ man, here's a photo of what JFK would look like if you were looking out of that book depository in Dallas:

Now, moving on from the neglected franchise to one that definitely has a bit more tender love and care provided to it: this motherfuckin Joker from Down Under is on fuckin fiyah. Even with some absolutely laughable production via Breece, Zack, TYREEK (yeah, that T. Hill), and Gabe this motherfucker easily cruised to a win.

Shit man, his bench outscored a handful of fucking teams in our league. The dominance is terrifying, and that was with Etienne on bye.

L (5-4) It's a Tide Ad

W (6-3) Sunstroke Serenaders

Sunstroke is absolutely flush with wide receivers to the point where it must be an absolute struggle to choose the right combination each week. Thankfully, since they all appear to be producing exceptionally well (all except one of his starters anyway), I guess it doesn't really fuckin matter how he goes.

Pretty fucking disappointed in Tua this week. Miami spent the whole fuckin week in Germany, but them Dolphins I guess just aren't native to the area, while .. well.. we've all seeing History Channel specials about a German Chief or two.

Oh wait, no one has Godwin on their team? Well, I did my best to shoehorn a reference in this particular recap.

As far as the loser of the week, Mr. Tide Ad just couldn't get it going to grab that sixth win of the season. I think it would have been close if maybe a couple different decisions were made with that starting roster .. although I feel like it would have been for naught given how much Taysom seems to be vulturing all of Kamara's touchdowns,

L (2-7) Everywhere Roll Tide

W (5-4) TeslaTerra Doesn't Catan

Holy fuck. 125+ points??? What the ever loving fuck? This has to be one of the highest point totals I've seen not during the fucking playoffs. Fuckin' everything came together with Dak, Ek, Rhamondre the giant, Gus Bus, the mother Tucker, and shit even chosing the Raiders over the Chiefs. Fuckin' incredible.

Shame that an incredible effort by the Roll Tides ultimately wasn't enough to prevail. So many fuckin bye week victims, and yet this tag-team run franchise topped 80 points. God damn, they would have beat me and I'm the greatest fantasy football team owner the world has ever seen, so that's something.

But for reals, I feel like the only time Deandre Hopkinton ever goes for big points is when they're on the fucking bench. I don't really have any hard evidence of it except for week 8, and as everyone knows: all you need to prove causation is a single fuckin data point.

So yeah, I hope you start him next week against me because I'm fucking struggling to get back to .500

L (6-3) The Koi Pond

W (6-3) The Super Wicked Problems

This shit was super close when I checked Monday, but now it's not.

True story! Believe it or not!

Yeah I dunno, outside of Compact Disc Baby-sheep it didn't look like you had much of anything going, Mr Koi Water Feature. I guess you had that motherfucker Howell going, and he kinda spoiled my first ever in-person Patriots game.

..No wait, it wasn't him, it was the actual fuckin Patriots that did that..

OK OK OK, I'm done shitting on the losing team - now on to more serious business:

Diontae Johnson! Congratulations, Mr. Johnson you have finally caught another fucking touchdown! I'm fairly sure that the last one you had caught was thrown by Mr. Fat-fucking-face himself, Wafflesburger!

L (1-8) San Diego SaQanon Barkleys

W (7-2) I'm Thinkin' RBs

Well. You'd think that at least one of the owners for San Diego SaQanon Barkleys would have caught the multiple BYE weeks of their players. Instead, that poor motherfucker had four starters all on vacation.

Of course, even if he caught as many as he could and substituted .. well .. it'd still kinda be shit. Like, what the ever-loving shit is up with Cooper Kupp? Does he suck now or something? This is three straight weeks of garbage play. Then you got Ja'Marr Chase barely able to keep pace with aforementioned dogshit receiver, Kupp.

As far as QB, it's probably best not to talk about that. Instead I think it's best we move on to their handsome opponent:

Them RBs became such a powerhouse so quickly, I didn't even have a second to myself to notice. This cocky fucker was riding so high they didn't even start a defense.

At this point, nothing is stopping them on their path to the playoffs.

No. Not even some bitch-ass security doors.

Or a lack of silverware,

L (2-7) The Bryce is Right

W (4-5) Neon Dion DeSantis

MAKE WAY FOR WILLY JOE. I'm fucking riding high as I am crawling my fuckin self into playoff contention. Sorry Joe, but this Joe WILL NOT BE STOPPED.

Really, the only thing getting in my way is my god damn inability to start the correct fucking running backs to maximize my points. Fucking Mattison on my bench is a god damn beast, while Bijan keeps getting handcuffed by his very own dipshit head coach. The fuck is wrong with that chinless freak? Fuck off, Arthur Smith. Why can't you just fucking do something right??

I guess if there's a bright side, the Browns defense is definitely worth having.

Oh, and that there is no fucking way anyone can ever trust the projected points. Holy shit, you were absolutely betrayed by even the most modest of predictions.

UPDATED Joe Power Rankings

1. Joe
2. Joe

Fin.

OK. Good Lord thank goodness it's over. I probably should have just taken a bye this week - it was a struggle to get through all the matchups using complete sentences. Sometimes you just ain't got it, but if you've made it to this point then I congratulate and appreciate you.

If you haven't, then I still appreciate you.

Good luck this week everyone! We're halfway through the NFL season, which means we're a little bit over halfway through the fantasy season.

Cherish these moments! I know I do!

Take care, fuckers. Love you.