Au Reservoir
Yeah.
I ain't got shit for this one outside maybe a meme or two,
Football happened.
Actually, two weeks of football happened: week 17 and a game or two on Saturday from week 18 before I finally get this shit out. My bad. It's 2022 and it's gettin harder and harder to get out of the bed by 11am.
But whatever, everyone's playin hurt this time of year. Everyone has to make sacrifices for the betterment of the sport. No individual is bigger than the Shield No no no, not James Shields. I'm talking about The Shield.
God damn it, no, not the show with Mikey Chiklis god fucking damn it.
The SHIELD, god damn it. The fuck is wrong with you? It's just a stupid acronym and it's probably the biggest shit in media/entertainment now, only influencing more and more of popular culture.
Fuck man. Not only is that wrong but god damn it reminds me of how dirty The Mouse did so many of those really good Marvel/MCU shows. God damn. Like. The fuck are they doin with Agent 19's watch? The fuck did Mockingbird ever god damn do to Mickey, huh? HUH?
But yeah, wrong fucking Shield you dipshit. Fortunately there can't be any other wrong answers left.
...
fuck this.
But for reals,
I ain't got shit for week 17 games, and good thing too because the week 18 games literally start as I'm writing this right now.
So yeah, some people save their best material for last, other people start off on the right foot, then there are some of us that exist only to be anxious of the next task that needs completion. And don't worry, that anxiety has been driving me to photoshop and write dumbassery for decades, so it has to be good.
The Australian SteveIrwins
A Tour De France Force
What started out in dominating fashion, ended in dominating fashion.
Yeah. Not the most Hollywood-esque plot for a sports movie, but I have to admit: this shit was fucking fun as fuck to follow from a writing perspective.
Shit man, until your first loss in week 8 - in which you completely and utterly shit the bed, scoring 69.32 (nice) points - your "worst" win was in week 3 when you only won by 18.72 points.
Adversity
Really, the closest thing to adversity this fucking team ran into came in week eight.
And who better to school about adversity than the dipshit who can't get out of his own fucking way in fantasy?
THIS FUCKIN GUY (me)
So yeah, while I did score 126.7 points and would have handily defeated this guy if it came down to an actual showdown, it didn't really fucking matter. And it didn't matter because Australian SteveIrwins completely shat his own pants and scored 68.32 (nice) points.
I'd like to think that this loss was the game that this championship caliber team points to when they start to lose focus. We all know that this week eight matchup was the ultimate trap game:
☑️ Middle of the season
☑️ Team riding high with all them wins
☑️ About to face a complete jamoke
☑️ Week Nine matchup with Everywhere Roll Tide
Just Win, Baby
I could just share this,
And call it a column. But really, you gotta appreciate some of the fucking wins there specifically:
Week 9 vs. Everywhere Roll Tide
Week 12 vs. The Super Wicked Problems
Week 13 vs. That's a Paddlin'
Each of these three wins found Australian SteveIrwins underperforming like a fucking bitch.
HE FUCKING SCORED EVEN FEWER POINTS IN HIS WIN AGAINST THE SUPER WICKED PROBLEMS THAN HE DID WHEN HE LOST TO ME.
Absolutely fucking crazy. Australian SteveIrwins was winning games by the literal skin of his teeth. Wait. Do teeth seriously have skin??
googles "do teeth have skin"
Ah ha,
Skin of my teeth (Hebrew: ע֣וֹר שִׁנָּֽי ‘ō-wr šin-nāy) is a phrase from the Bible. In Job 19:20, the King James Version of the Bible says, "My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth." In the Geneva Bible, the phrase is rendered as "I have escaped with the skinne of my tethe."
Anyway, this Aussie cunt fucked up his mates like it's a tuesday night out with Russell Crowe.
..or fulfilling a Make a Wish! with Russell Crowe.
The Second Season
Blah blah blah, the playoffs came and went, and this fucker rose to the top like a healthy turd in a toilet bowl (right? It's supposed to do that I think). In both rounds, this fucker was outscored in the first week - and then would absolutely lay the wood down in the second half.
So yeah. This motherfucker is the ultimate champion with one of the most dominating seasons in recent fuckin memory. It definitely helped to have the fucking beast that is Jonathan Taylor, but roleplayers like Mark Andrews and Jalen Hurts helped carry the load like nothing else. Especially in this postseason.
You mother fuckin crazy bastard.
L - 168.78 (11-4) Everywhere Roll Tide
W - 205.12 (14-1) Australian SteveIrwins 🏆
Welp. With all the spoilers ruined at this point, I'll just dive right in and say that I'm kinda fucking shocked to see this Amon-Ra St. Brown dude on a roster. What the fuck. Seriously. This Australian SteveIrwins guy just can't not make the right move. The fuck is this shit.
Well. Whatever it is, it got Singletary 23 and JTD 17 n change, and ultimately that was enough to take home the crown.
Great battle between the two best teams of the season.
https://i.imgur.com/yROn86o.png for downloading purposes
Fin.
And that's a wrap. A nice underwhelming final column is just what the doctor ordered. For me.
Hope everyone had a great fantasy year, I know at least one dude who definitely did: me!
So take care everyone in 2022, I hope it's wonderfully successful and spectacularly exciting. Until I meet all of you IRL again, stay healthy, stay safe and sound, and keep on rockin'.
Enjoy more photos and videos of my growing petting zoo!
I was somehow able to capture the action on my hyperslo-mo camera that records at 10,000 frames per second:
You gotta bulk up a little, Cashew.
And last but absolutely not least, here's how I feel when you guys message me about enjoying the column - not any specific column, not the latest one, not all of them, just any .. shit, it could just be one that a fellow league-member told you about. But when I read that email/text it just,,,
Love you guys. Have a great 2022 and see you at the draft!
