Aaaaand USA Lost

Followed by Poland. Stupid fuckin sport.

Late

Let's say, hypothetically, that you were, for instance, using my keyboard. Now keep up. Let's say that you, yes you, wanted to type up one of these columns. Hypothetically, of course.

Now that we have established that you want to type up one of these columns, I am to provide you with content. Am I not wrong?

Now let's say that once the column writing has started that you, hypothetically, you are able to type out full sentences like some libtard college student enrolled in, hypothetically, some leftist academic institution. Now at this point this is what we're going to call the climax of the story, understandably you creating this column has made me angry considering the fact that the content was not to be provided by me. Now let's say I start tickling your feet, you would start to giggle and laugh. Am I not wrong?

And now let's say that you, while laughing, were bound to this aforementioned keyboard. At this point, I'm confused about what content you are writing about. Am I not correct??

After being confused, you proceed to finish writing a portion. You would start to feel uncomfortable at the prospect of proof-reading made you forget about the previous events occurring. Now let's say hypothetically, I tickle your armpits as well. You would then be laughing again. Am I not correct?

Now, let's establish that you need to publish this column Wednesday morning. However, currently it is Wednesday evening. This may seem like an impossible task, but do not worry, this was all consensual. Now, back on topic. Let's say that I grabbed a ballgag and shoved it in your mouth while you typed. Now this, of course, only fuels my passion. You would most likely be choking for air while tears streamed down your face. And you would find it impossible to publish this column Wednesday morning. Am I not correct?

Thank you for your time.

- Shenny Bapiro

Calvin & Hobbes

I recently moved a whole shitload of old stuff we had in storage into my basement and god damn: 90% of it is mine. Old transformers, LEGO, shit from gradeschool, middle/high school, college, Brooklyn, San Francisco. Some good shit.

I thought that was particularly sappy. So eat that shit.

...I gotta share more,

OK OK OK, that's enough. I guess I have a column to finish.

GLASS SMASH

That video right there is proof of why Stone Cold was better. Would have probably just burned the place down, chugged two beers (in reality only 2-3 ounces would end up being dranken), given a couple middle fingers and then ride off on a Harley.

Man, that Attitude Era was fucking awesome.

Manningcast

So this was the first time I've ever gotten a chance to dabble with the ManningCast. Been a subscriber to YouTube TV for the season and finally remembered that this shit DVRs itself. Started the morning with a nice mug of jetfuel cold brew, a bowl of cheerios, a peeled cuke up my asshole, and the Mannings on TV.

I gotta admit: it's shittier than the cucumber juice I squeeze out.

It's so fucking bad. Isn't this season two!? Is the production being done by Austin Collie or some other perma-concussed receivers from Peyton's days?? The volume of any guest is like 3x the Manning brothers'. There's so much boring dead-air. And the shit those two goobers talk about gets boring after a handful of minutes.

I couldn't make it one full quarter before I had to turn on the smooth voices of Smokin Joe Buck and Troy "fuck romo" Aikman.

Bill's @ Greatriots

I frankly do not remember if I had any hope during this game.

But if I had, Matt Patricia made sure to stifle it like he's still coaching the defense... which he may think he is doing. It would explain how we keep running into 3-and-outs like they're painted brick walls and we're Wile E. Coyote.

Don't let his scientician degree fool you: there are a shitload of stupid-as-fuck scientists out there. They try to create medication to help people suffering from angina, and end up with a bunch of fuckin boners. Fuckin morons.

Steelers @ Falcons

Death. Taxes. Steelers ending the season with an over .500 record.

As much as we all thought Pittsburgh sucked ass, Atlanta had to sit the Steelers down and show us all true consistency.

[Obligatory sympathy for Falcons fans]

Broncos @ Ravens

AHHHH HAHHAHAH AHHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA.

Holy shit. I cut my teeth (what the fuck does that even mean) with my sports fandom during the 90s. So I got to enjoy being crowned "The Fellowship of the Miserable" as well as constantly hearing about the greatness of the 80s Celtics while watching fuckfaced dinosaurs like Eric Montross lumber up and down the court. Shout out to Employee #8, though.

But yeah anyway, despite being regularly let down like I was some dumbwaiter, I still had it better than Broncos fans as of late.

And it makes me so happy to dance on the grave of their hope.

I watched the prosperity of a nameless people undone by a forgotten king. I stood by as rushing water took the lives of playing children. Wind carved through rock across uncounted centuries, and when the final precarious stone was toppled I was there to see it. My influence is potent and it reaches all things. While I feel neither remorse nor joy, my mark upon the fabric of life is indelible. Hope is not my enemy - it is the canvas upon which my pernicious brush performs its work. Joy exists in a fixed amount; for each measure of it so too must there be an equivalent portion of Sorrow, by whose agency I am driven. Time alone may lessen the stain of my touch. I originate from a place no light escapes, the one place where darkness glows so fiercely as to divert nearly all eyes. The misfortune of those who cannot fly from my nest is greater than any low fate I have gazed upon through timeless eons. My name is Failure, my home is Mile High Stadium and I, over Broncos Country, Preside.

Packers @ Bears

I think A-A-RON's been hanging out with known Nazi Sympathizer Well-Wisher, Yedolf a little too much.

Yikes. Who would have thought there'd be such a push for a fifth Reich. Who the fuck wants that? Has a 4th sequel ever been good (obvious exception is Rocky V)?? But yeah, Geopolitics aside: I think A-A-RON literally does own the Bears.

The crowd was shitting into Rodgers' open mouth, and yet he just demanded more and tossed a couple tiddies on the unwiped masses to ultimately win the game with a literal mouth full of poop.

Jags @ Lions

What a weird situation. Normally, I feel like it'd be in the best interest of the Bears to lose as many games as possible.

But I keep forgetting that their long-time franchise QB is taking care of it all: the team he was traded to is sucking so much ass, that the pick that Detroit received for aforementioned player is going to be a quite high.

Shit, it's gonna be higher than me that one time i put an entire 1/8th into a cake and ate it. Holy shit. I swear I could see through time.

Back to the NFL ... I found this pretty neato:

The Lions scored on 8 of their 9 possessions versus the Jaguars. Their final possession was 2 kneels in victory formation.

Source: some dude on reddit who believed the Lions were finishing 10-7.

..maybe..

Team that is starting a sexual assaulter at Quarterback vs. Texans

12/22 for 131 yards, 1 interception, and 20+ sexual assaults. And that motherfucker won. God damn it.

Stupid fuckin NFL and their measley 11-game suspension.

Jacoby died for this.

No .. wait.

Jets @ Vikings

What is this fucking Vikings team? As much pity as I have for fans of teams like the Washington Football Team or the Falcons or the Lions, the Vikings have a separate category all-together of: "I sure hope you live longer than your 50s with the consistently maddening ways your team plays."

I can't imagine any other team whose fans would lovingly and endearingly scream,

I HATE THIS TEAM LETS FUCKING GOOOOO

Maybe Jets fans. Maybe.

WFT @ Giants

The NFC East is fuckin weird as hell. But I guess it's a tradition? The Giants and Washington Football Team tied before, November 23, 1997. Fuckin' hell. 1997 was 25 years ago?? Fuuuuuuuck. That hurts my soul and my lower back.

Motherfuckin' Seahawks are just watching from the sideline all pissed because a tie doesn't help them one bit while saving both teams from a loss.

Titans @ Eagles

Incredible performance by the refs. Always a big fan whenever Adrian Hill and Roy Ellison share a field. Jim Quirk (I have him on my superflex ref fantasy league - best Side Judge in the league) should definitely be in one of the lockerrooms icing his shoulder. No idea how he was able to perform with that kind of consistency. And the range.

Also, did you all know that AJ Brown used to be on the Titans? Wild shit!

Seahawks @ Chargers other LA team

Fuck this stupid Rams logo. I can't stop thinking "Chargers" when I see that logo, I swear that has to be one of the rules of design: the logo can't fucking remind people of a direct competitor. Also, I gotta stop saying logo.

Holy fuck, this Seahawks team is really fuckin fun. Geno Smith. I still can't fucking believe this shit.

Dolphins @ 9ers

I'm sure all seven Purdy jerseys are gone from that 9ers shop.

[Nick Bosa] Sounds like he's fighting for his life after taking a 500mg edible

Chiefs @ Bengals

Looks like Mahomes has himself a fuckin rival. 3-0 against the Chiefs. Joe Burrow is so fuckin cool.

Dibs on Joe Burrow being Brady. Mahomes can be that fuckin HGH goober five-head sexual molester, Peyton Manning. Although it'll be quite the test - I don't know if Patrick Mahomes' dad can be a shit human being on the level of Archie Manning.

Anyway, fuckin fun as fuck game to watch on Sunday. Let's fuckin go, Bengals. Who Dey, indeed.

Chargers @ Raiders

Perhaps the most second most winningest cry we've seen in NFL history:

3-0 since them beautiful eyes cried those tears

Number one is obvious:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r43Rfh6Csjg

Haha just kidding, I meant:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5nt8geK-Gs&t=43s

What a god damn crybaby, jesus fucking christ.

Fuck the NFL and it's stupid fucking restrictive sharing.

...

That said, crying rules. That feeling you feel after a good cry is second only to that feeling after you puke. Such clarity and peace.

Colts @ 'Boys

Ahhhhh. Now after a fresh bong hit, I'm ready to conclude this with the next to last game.

And what a game it was. Jesus Matt Ryan is done. Put Matty on Ice at this point.

The game was pretty fuckin close, a god damn 2-point game. With 14 minutes left in the game .. then 12 minutes later the score was 54-19. What the fuck?

If you told a Colts fan at around 14 minutes left in the game when they were only losing by two points, that Indy was going to end the game with the victory formation, I'm pretty sure they'd have fucking been so happy they could shit.

Unfortunately, 33 points were scored in the following 12 minutes .. exclusively by the Cowboys. To bring the score to 54-19. Again: what the fuck?

Saints @ Buccos

And behind that door, Tom Brady was waiting with a 12-guage shotgun.

It was really something special to witness another fourth quarter comeback by the GOAT. It's so fucking incredible to watch him work.

Given how shit this division is,,

I think Brady's making another postseason - but his win % is gonna take a hit because there's no way they go that deep, unless they can keep him upright. He'll fuckin' drag that pure dead weight team to the Super Bowl even if it kills him.

Weekly Recaps

Alllll right, popped a Benadryl a couple hours ago, ripping bongs all night long, time to have some auditory hallucinations while writing th-.. WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?? Oh right, the bennies.

Welcome to the recaps. Get comfy, lower those expectations, and with any luck I won't get burned from not proofreading this this column.

L - 96.84 (3-10) Stupid Virtuous Solutions

W - 125.14 (8-5) I'm Thinkin' RBs

The streak! It ended!

It's all right, sometimes things come up and the time and energy to invest in something just isn't there.

UNLESS IT'S THIS FUCKING COLUMN. FUCK I'M SO TIRED BY I'M LITERALLY HANDCUFFED TO THIS COMPUTER DESK. I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

LIKE, I HAVE A TYLER DURDEN PROBLEM. IF I LEAVE, I'LL END UP KICKING MY OWN ASS. FUCK I JUST WANT TO PLAY SOME ROCKET LEAGUE AND MAYBE GET CAUGHT UP WITH THAT ADVENT OF CODE EVENT THING.

[cough]

Phew. What the fuck was that.

Holy shit, Burrow scored 32 and change in another league I'm in, and yet he only got 21.8 for I'm Thinkin' RBs in this league.

Fucking praise be to Tebow. I fucking love this league.

FUCK YEAH. TEBOQ!

Oh damn. I just noticed the starting Quarterback. Actually, if that's why the team name didn't change, then I applaud it.

In fact, I'll applaud it either way.

W - 99.0 (5-8) Sunstroke Serenaders

L - 88.28 (2-11) That's a Paddlin'

Ehh.

No playoff implications. Two of the bottom three (although damn, 5 wins is in 10th place? That's pretty brutal). Gotta be painfully frank here:

HOW DARE YOU TWO BORE ME DURING THIS BOXSCORE REVIEW!?

The nerve of these teams. The absolute gaul of th-...

Oh fuck. Who the fuck is Isiah Pacheco? Have I even read that name before? I've probably included him in this fucking column before. Whatever. 14 points is fucking baller.

Not Jalen Hurts 30+ baller, but it qualifies.

W - 82.0 (6-7) Australian SteveIrwins

L - 78.96 (8-5) The Koi Pond

You needed this win dude. And really, if there's a finger to point, it's at Josh Allen. Sure - you could have started either Diontae or Samuel over Sutton and gotten that dub, but really Josh Allen has to produce more than just 16.92 points. The fuck was that, man??

What a win by the SteveIrwins. His playoff hopes have gone bush, but this motherfucker is choc a bloc with pure spite. And that spite is going to upset some cunts.

Don't worry, that's not a bootable offense.

L - 71.44 (6-7) Deep Tissue Illuminati

W - 95.82 (7-6) Everywhere Roll Tide

Was this the last game of the season? I guess so? Well, it's always best to end on a dub, so congrats Roll Tide. Probably not where you thought you'd be given Pollard, Mahomes, and Tractorcito .. and shit, let's throw DraftKings Metcalf on there too. DraftKings. Use DraftKings.

But hey, fantasy sports is such a fuckin bitch-goddess there is no such thing as fair anyway.

Frankly, if we're going to blame anyone, it's that motherfucker JuJu. Maybe the most irritating player in fantasy currently. Drops touchdowns. Can't score 3 points when you need him to. Will go off for 19 when you win by 25.

L - 99.56 (8-5) San Diego Loud-N-Stroud

W - 101.06 (8-5) It's a Tide Ad

Holy shit. It's a Tide Ad not only vaulted himself into a fuckin playoff spot, but he also knocked out The Koi Pond because of tie-breakers. What a fuckin performance.

And it's all because .. of the Browns Defense. Just like we all predicted. Tyreek Hill helped, along with a decent outing by TLaw. Jason Myers - despite your dumbass last name missing an 'e' I'll give you an attaboy as well.

But 31 points from the fuckin Browns is crazy:

• 2 fumble recoveries
• 2 interceptions
• 3 touchdowns
• 0 sacks .. ( ._.)

So yeah.

L - 70.1 (6-7) The Super Wicked Problems

W - 87.14 (11-2) Shelybille Shelbyvillian

I'm not really sure how all this shit adds up to 87.14 points but I'll take it. I'll take it very much.

Bummer for The Super Wicked Problems, but you were good eatin' before these playoffs.

Uhm. That's all I got in the tank, I think

Fin.

There we go, lucky Week 13 is fucking done. Bring this shit on, December. Week 14 and the thick of the Holiday Season?? HELL YEAH. I was fuckin born for this shit.

So yeah, good luck this week everyone, hope y'all have a great time but as always: I hope somehow, some way, you all lose. Except me.